Need encouragment

trl34 · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 2

I need words of encouragement at this time.
I have to give a little background so you may be able to fully understand my stituation. I met my husband online and married him within about a month of knowing him. I don't know why I married so soon after meeting him but I am in belief that God does not send you a mate but provides all the tools to use to allow you to pick wisely. I believed that my marriage could work with alot of hard work and time. But the one thing I had my husband to be promise is to make sure we enter a church find mentors and get into counseling because we did not know each other. When we started our marriage that did not happen. My husband revealed he was estranged from the church and that he watches church on tv becuase he did not trust people. Things started to unravel quickly in our marriage. My husband had revealed that he had been married three times before and all have divorced him before we got married. But what he did not reveal to me that he did not tell his family he had married me. So when I did arrive it was revealed at that moment that I was the wife. He became gradually very controlling and manipulative..he would do this by telling I was not acting Godly or would be angry at what I may watch on tv or listen to on the radio or if I got into anargument he felt that I was being aggressive and always demanded that I hit him. I relize that now I was and still am extremly independent in my life and my husband did not know how to deal with this because all the wives he has had before depended on him for everything. It got to the point in the marriage that the more I prayed for the marriage the more controlling and aurgumenative he became. I am not saying that I was not at all contributing to the strife. This my first marriage, and it was a very hard adjustment to become someone who is required by the word of God to become submissive ( even in a healthy way) to a man. I became resentful of my husband because he did not meet the expectations that I had put on him. I relize not that I was wrong for this. I became more cold to him because I so angry at him it was to the point that each demand he wanted from me became more of a add on to my justification to leave the marriage. And one day after one of our many arguments I Ieft and moved to another state. The one thing I knew about my husband is that alot of people have left him...abaondoned him and being a survivor of incest I know what abondonment feels like to him in his eyes it is almost as if its adultery in his eyes. I had the desire to leave and divorce...but after the anger had leveled out I relized my anger is normal for newly married couples through talking to others who are married and that I want to reconcile my marriage becuase divorce is not an option. But I have hurt my husband so bad that he will not even talk to me on the phone. I have emailed him and tried to call but he will not talk to me. All I would like him to do is tell me if he is interested in fixing this marriage or if he wants to leave this marriage. What am I supposed to do now ? I am now in prayer and know that right now god wants to work on me. But is there anyone who could give a word of encouragement.

webacus · Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 11:48 am Post subject:

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I know the last thing you need is a reminder
of the mistakes you made. But for the benefit of
our readers, this bears repeating:

before

Whether you were right or wrong,
these things are apparent:

First, reconciliation is a two way street. For this to have any chance of working, he needs to agree to take a few next steps.

I don't think you 'abandoned' him. It sounds to me life with him was unbearable. You needed to get away.
If this were abandonment, you wouldn't want to make this marriage work. And this certainly isn't adultery.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

It appears you have taken the first step toward reconciliation. However, it takes two. Your husband has to be a willing participant.

There is a lot going on in your letter and Christian counseling would be a really great idea for you. If your husband is willing, then as a couple also.

1) Deception - this needs to be addressed with regard to him hiding his previous marriages from you. Also, the issue that he never told his family about you, never telling you he was estranged from the church/God, understanding why three (3) previous marriages failed and perhaps his need to control. Control can lead to isolation and isolation can lead to abuse. There are signs in your letter of this.
2) Understanding why he does not trust people - again isolation from fellow Christians who can provide wisdom and accountability. Something many of us run from.
3) Taking time to really learn about each other - communication, conflict resolution, family of origin, etc.
4) Understanding why you felt you had to run from the situation
5) Working together to make God #1 in your lives

You can't force him or beg him to come back to you so give him time and pray, pray, pray.

ceetee · Newbie Joined: 26 Dec 2005 Posts: 8

Tons of good advice has been posted here for you, so there is not much to add to christian counseling and the benefits of effectual prayer. One point of honesty, I am not totally convinced that you really want this marriage. It will be a long road, not for the fainthearted. But will the help of the Lord, all things are possible. Be prepared to totally honest and open with your counselor so that he or she can give the best course and direction to enrich, grow, and restore this marriage

Peace and Blessings

CeeTee

trl34 · Newbie Joined: 22 Dec 2005 Posts: 2

you are right...I relieize that I am not actually wanting to stay in the marriage..but I have found that I have a co-dependent addication. I am wanting to control the situation I am in. I have this fairytale thought that if I go back it will wonderful and we will live happily ever after.
I have been doing alot of praying and studying because at this time I don't have vehicle and I just started employment so I am not able to get connected to a church or counseling. And what God is revealing to me is that I have strong desire to control situations because my childhood was so out of control. I got married because my life as single person was out of control as far as my bills and financial struggles Embarassed

, so what I did was turn to the first person who said that he would protect me and take care of me...the person who could put back my control ( or so I thought).
I relieze that my marriage has nothing to do with respect or even love but my need to control another situation so I can feel at peace. So here it was two co-dependent people both with alot of luggage, pride and even alot of pain and got married.
I said before I go toanyone else that there is alot of hard work that needs to be done to restore myself.
I would really appreciate feedback because I right need the wisdom of others.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

When we're in control, God's not. It's that simple.

ceetee · Newbie Joined: 26 Dec 2005 Posts: 8

My thoughts are that you are in need of counseling, good solid, christian counseling. Your spiritual health and well-being must be nourished so you can be begin, with God's help, to make some decisions to lift your emotional well-being, spiritual healing!

Not sure where you reside, but urge you to persevere to find a church, pastor or christian friend or co-worker that can guide you through this process. At the growthtrac home page, there are links to many great authors on topics which address your need and many more. Check them all out.

In the meantime, know that you have Christian brothers and sisters who are praying for you and your spouse's healing. Know that God wants both of you in "His Army" and His desire is that none be lost.

Peace and Blessings
CeeTee

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