differences

justinswife · Newbie Joined: 03 Nov 2005 Posts: 13

I have learned that men are visual, I have read the books, talked to professionals, i understand. But women are different, i have a need to express myself, I need to tal about things that bother me, ask for prayer, and sometimes I just need to complain for 5 min (I really dont do it often). But I cant get dh to understand this about me. He feels like I should supress it like he does and it will just go away (I have told him its unhealthy and the marriage counselor has too but it was in reference about sometihng else)but I cant do that. So he told me I should talk to only him about private things (ex, feelings about infertility) he doesnt feel its appropriate to talk to another friend about this, a friend that has the same infertility problem I do (its not dh with the problem), he doesnt even like me on these boards with 'strangers" telling them our business. How can I get him to understand how much a support you are here as well as those on the fertiltiy board? That this is something I need and just talking to him that doewsnt always understand, doesnt always want to listen when I need to talk, and doesnt have the same info that helps me in my battles. I have told him this stuff but he is just so private he just doesnt want me discussing any of our or even my business to anyone. Is there a book out there I can get for him to help him to understand this is a part of women and a need we have?

webacus · Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 8:48 pm Post subject:

Hi There

Well, you just described one of the big differences between men and women Smile

You need to share; you need to talk about it...

You're right: Guys tend to bury stuff.

Some husbands eventually "get it"... I think for guys it takes
time and maturity.

You asked for a book suggestion: Every Man's Marriage

Are you both still in counseling?
Or, have you considering mentoring? Is there a program at your church
or is there a couple you both trust and can open up to?

justinswife · Newbie Joined: 03 Nov 2005 Posts: 13

We are still in counseling but we dont go back till after the holidays. We have talked to someine in the church when dh was caught looking at porno, and he did talk then, but only to pastors and counselors and I am NOT to talk to anyone else about this. We are planning to get Every Man's Marriage but havent yet, is there stuff in there that addresses this issue? I dont want to go behind his back all the time just to get some release when I neet to, I would like his permission to do so. I want him to understand its ok for me to talk, it helps me. I am careful about what I tlak about and to whom, but he doesnt want me talking at all.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Question, what is there to hide when speaking with other brothers and sisters in Christ? One simple piece of scripture about carrying each others burdens comes to mind. What about praying for each other too? I can think of some other specific scripture I can give you, if you want me to.

The book Webacus brings up is an excellent one. Men and women communicate differently - obviously. We are not meant to be clones of each other, so that means, you are not designed by God to be exactly like your husband. You're not meant to feel like him, to communicate like him to react like him, etc. We all have different needs and sometimes due to family of origin junk, we just cannot possibly meet all of our needs in our spouse. Sometimes we need to ask God to fill those needs - I can rant and rave at God pretty good sometimes, but my hubby is really good at just letting me vent - whether it makes sense or not. Sometimes these needs are met through being part of a couples group or a women's group.

It really is not realistic to expect our spouses to meet all of our needs. They can certainly try, but don't be surprised if they fall short. After all, we are only human. But, I would ask him to honestly pray to see how he could best meet these items for you instead of just dismissing them as not logical or trivial - or to exlude all others from your marriage. Isolation in marriage is not a healthy thing - we need and crave community with fellow Christians.

The book by Les and Leslie Parrot called Love Talk is great!! It has a study you can do together as a couple as well as an online evaluation of how you communicate with each other and what your fear factors are.
It is well worth the investment and the cost of the online evaluations. Please consider this.

My prayers are with you - and, will continue to be so that this is something you can overcome in your marriage. I also asked God to open your hearts to other possibilities for Christian community.

webacus · Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 9:22 pm Post subject:

Yes-- Every Man's Marriage talks about a wife's needs and begins with the basics.
The book is from the best selling series from David Arterburn.

Explain to your husband that your identity here is protected.
In fact, I think he should spend some time here. It would be
a non-threatening, safe place for him to vent and get some
second opinions (he doesn't need to mention that he's
your husband) ...

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