Emotional Desert--Need Help

Sojourner · Newbie Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 3

I just found this website yesterday and can definitely use some Godly wisdom.

When we married, neither my husband nor I had a mature understanding of emotional or spiritual needs. I was very similar to men in not being able to express my feelings—or even admit to them. However, as the years progressed and my walk with the Lord deepened I’ve asked the Lord for balance and believe he has been answering those prayers.

Over the many years of marriage I’ve been very happy with all aspects of my life, except for my marriage. If ever I broached getting help, talking it through or even reading books together I was met with disdain and anger so backed away to honor his request to never deal with difficult subjects. I learned to put my marriage into an emotional box and hammer the lid shut, just praising God for the many other great things going on in my life.

Then came a place in my life where God started revealing to me the cult-like nature of the denomination of which we both had been a part our entire lives. I wasn’t looking to make a change so as I studied and sought God’s will, I needed my husband for spiritual help, emotional help and just general support. Instead I got increasing levels of verbal abuse. As with most cults, my entire life revolved around friends within the system so I had very little place to turn except to my heavenly Father.

In January the verbal abuse was to the point I knew I couldn’t go on so for the first time ever, I determined to go to counseling for myself and asked my husband to make the choice of seeing a counselor, separating or else getting a large enough house where we can live separate lives, essentially housemates to cut down expenses. He chose to go to counseling, but soon cut it down to every other week, then once a month.

We have each been seeing a different counselor—both of these are Christian counselors and they know each other. Two weeks ago we had our first joint counseling session with my husband’s counselor. The counselor asked my husband to do one task to help draw us closer together. I could tell from knowing him, he has no intention of complying.

A few days ago I asked him if he was happy with our marriage. He said “no”. I asked him if he thought the counseling was helpful because I didn’t get that idea when we went to the counseling session. He told me he doesn’t see any reason to do what the counselor suggested. He insists he has no problems—it’s all me. He says he hadn’t learned anything in counseling and couldn’t remember what had been discussed. Also over the last few months he’s been telling me he doesn’t care how I feel about anything, whether or not I’m hurting. He also doesn’t want me to really discuss anything with him, except for minor facts to hold the household together. He said he would talk if he had something to say. We can go meal after meal in total silence as I wait for him to talk.

He’s been pulling away and I believe he has a fantasy emotional affair with the women with whom he works day after day. I say “fantasy” because she is much younger, happily married and is not doing anything inappropriate. I believe he’s like a young child in his emotional and spiritual maturity and even this attachment is similar to a 13 year old boy with a crush on his teacher.

I fully realize that the only person I can change is myself. On the other hand, my husband has made it clear that he doesn’t see himself as having any part in trying to bring healing to what he even admits is a marriage that isn’t making either one of us happy. No longer can I be successful in putting the marriage back into that emotional box and nailing it shut. Always before I convinced myself that he was doing his very best with the gifts he had to work with. But now that he’s been openly telling me that he has no interest in either my thoughts or my feelings, I question whether he really ever understood marriage.

Needless to say, I’ve prayed, cried and sought godly help. Where do I go next?

Sojourner

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

I am so glad you have joined us and welcome to GT.

I am glad to hear that you have sought out counseling. Has it been helping you? From your post it seems like it has helped you clear your head and sort out your feelings. I would encourage you to continue to work on counseling for yourself even if your husband will not attend.

God does change hearts, one at a time. It appears he is changing yours and that really is the best place to start. We often focus on our spouse's and really forget to look at our own.

You mentioned that the church you are a part of may have a cult-like nature. Can I ask what church this may be and how you have come to this understanding? If it is a cult, can you stop participating in services there? This can be part of the pull/cloud over your husband that is drawing him in the direction he is taking and the source of your marital strife. I ask for you to pray for him and pray for protection over yourself and your marriage everyday.

There is a wonderful book out by James Dobson called, "Love Must Be Tough." This may help you in the understanding of how to handle the verbal abuse or any abuse for that matter.

I read in a book that Marriage is meant to make you holy, not happy. It is meant to stretch you into becoming the servant that Christ was. When we are unwilling to put the towel over our arm and wash the feet of our spouse, then I feel problems become inevitable in marriage. It becomes less about serving our spouse and more about how can I serve myself?

Has there been a moment in your life where you have discovered who Christ is, what he did on the cross for you and have you asked him to come into your heart to be the leader of your life and the forgiver of your sins?

Sojourner · Newbie Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 3

Thanks, SAM, for your warm welcome. To answer your questions:

Yes, absolutely I'm a born-again Christian. I have left my previous denomination, which is Seventh-day Adventist. They try very hard to appear mainstream, but there are some cult-like qualities. My issues with the denomination come from Bible study--most specifically they have some real different ideas about the New Covenant. I did not leave because of any hurt feelings or relationship issues with anyone. My husband remains within that denomination. As with many legalistic churches, they believe they are the only ones with "the truth" and therefore I'm now viewed by many as someone who is "lost" rather than merely someone who joined another congregation in the Body of Christ.

Counseling was definitely helpful for me, probably more for sorting out my own issues and clarifying things I'd been learning over the years rather than specifically dealing with the marriage. Unfortunately my counselor is gone for the summer so I will wait until August or September to see him.

I'm very unclear as to whether or not I should request to have the joint marriage counseling sessions continue. My husband is passive aggressive and will appear (in session) to be agreeing, but then at home will not follow through or actively disagrees with what happened. Thoughts anyone?

I've read Dobson's Tough Love book. Also Sacred Marriage and some others. I believe the increase in verbal abuse is fear based. Why, I don't know but he has never really allowed anyone to get close to him. He didn't come from an abusive background, but his father would have been a perfectionistic task master when he was a child I believe.

Sojourner

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Do I understand you are attending one church and he another? That in itself can create a great deal of friction in a marriage. If your eyes were opened to walk away from the church you were attending, pray for your husband's eyes to be opened too. Do you have children? What church do they attend?

I am so glad to hear about the counseling and that is something you will resume again in the fall. I would continue with your own sessions and see if your husband will attend jointly with you again. As for your husband saying one thing in the sessions, then coming home and doing another, have you brought this before the counselor in your husband's presence?
He needs to be challenged on these issues.

Lee Strobel has a book out called, "Surviving a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage". I really enjoyed reading it because is contains issues I went through with my husband for several years.

I can only speak from my own personal experience. Many years ago my husband wanted nothing to do with building spiritual intimacy into our marriage. He fought me every step of the way. I had to continually pray for God to turn him upside down with His radical love. What God did in the process is turn me upside down because I wasn't exactly being very Christlike to my husband, even though I was a follower of Christ. Once my heart and mind turned around, so did our marriage. Now, amazingly, my husband is a follower of Christ and he has been given the gift of evangelism. Waiting on God is not an easy thing to do. I know I was extremely impatient in the process.

Sojourner · Newbie Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 3

SAM, thanks for the recommendation for the Strobel book. I'm going to look for that today.

Yes, my husband and I attend separate churches and I know that only God and not any attempt at convincing will open his heart to be willing to look into God's Word when it comes to examining his belief system. I believe some of his anger is that deep down he knows I'm right but doesn't want to do the hard part of making a choice to choose God over friends. His relationship with Jesus is more intellectual and not a true "relationship" (if that makes sense) and he really doesn't understand how to hear from God or walk in the Spirit.

I have a wonderful relationship with my children, both of whom are married with families of their own. We can talk about spiritual issues. Neither remains in the church of their childhood (praise God) and are growing in the Lord.

Thank you for the confirmation about confronting my husband's lack of follow through and undermining in the counselor's presence. This is what I had decided to do, but wanted other eyes examining it.

Sojourner

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

I'm glad you're willing to bring these issues up in counseling. When we hide things, it makes healing rather difficult. As husband and wife, we really do need to hold each other accountable when the whole truth is not being told.

Yes, I believe many have an intellectual belief in Jesus, so does the Evil One for that matter, but have never taken the step of asking Him to be the leader of their lives and the forgiver of their sins. It is a relationship to enter into and not just a belief that He exists.

We had a guest speaker at church last week and there is one thing that he said that really struck me. If God is the vine and we are connected as the branches and are not bearing fruit - we need to take a serious look at our connection.

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