Will this pain ever disappear?

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for fifteen and a half years, all but ten days of it we've been a military family. We have four beautiful and wonderful children (15, 13, 14mos and 3mos...yes, I *know* that's quite a gap! Laughing

) and for the most part our marriage has been bump-free aside from the typical problems deployments bring. For the last year I have seen my husband become someone I did not recognize. Even now I can't put my finger on what it was, but I suspected something was seriously wrong. I couldn't have been more right. Five weeks ago he confessed to having a one-year affair with one of my closest friends (his best friend's wife). To say the least I am totally devastated. I began praying for strength and wisdom almost immediately as the words came out of his mouth, and God has blessed me richly. I've been able to forgive both my husband and my friend (it's hard to call her that, but I am forcing myself to; it's one of a few things I'm doing to keep bitterness at bay) and I was able to hold both of their hands as they separately went before our church to repent and ask forgiveness for the many lies they'd told and the pain they'd caused. Unfortunately this is the second affair she's had and her husband will not open himself up to allow for another chance; he is filing for divorce. I, on the other hand, have chosen to pray that God will restore my husband to the man of God he used to be--and hopefully a wiser, stronger, more valiant warrior for Christ. I have seen the fruits of his repentance and am already seeing how powerfully God is working in his life.
Here's the problem...the pain has me paralyzed. I feel like I've been beaten to a pulp emotionally (I was their alibi--foolishly, I believed every lie they spoke) and I'm at a stalemate in grieving the loss of the marriage I once had. I just cannot get past the fact that he has been with another woman sexually. He is doing everything in his power to reaffirm his love to me and to show me that he means business when it comes to his commitment this time around--we are even renewing our wedding vows in three weeks. But how do I get past seeing what he DID to me every time I look at him? How do I recover from knowing he took my heart and the love I lavished on him for so many years and threw it all away for the ego-boosting attention of another woman? Is it possible to get past this?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

First, my heart aches for you and your pain. I have watched two close friends go through similar circumstances in the past couple of years.

There are two books that I HIGHLY recommend, both by Stephen Arterburn. The one for you is called, "Every Heart Restored" and for your husband, "Every Man's Battle".

The wounds are still very fresh and it can take you a long time to work through this - some say as long as two years. If you are not in counseling for yourself, then I would highly recommend it. And, with time, I would recommend counseling for you and your husband to both attend.

There are underlying issues that led your husband to make this choice to begin with. All areas of your marriage need to be looked at, not just the sex part. I am so glad that he was willing to go before your church for confession, but there needs to be continual accountability to other men, to the pastor, etc. I am so thankful that you see repentance and willingness to do anything - that is the first step toward a man showing his wife that he will take every step needed for restoration.

Your feelings are not unusual and are very normal.

My one friend said she could not take things day by day, but had to take them a moment at a time. Moment by moment. That is how she got through each day as well as starting a journal where she could write down her feelings and thoughts and then lift them up to God on a daily basis.

I hope this helps in some small way. I have never walked in your shoes, but have dear friends who have. Their marriages have both been restored and are stronger than ever.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Carebbean · Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 1:01 pm Post subject:

FallenKnight'sWife
I am so thrilled that you didn't decide to bail on your marriage. We know that you have "grounds" to divorce, but you obviously love your husband enough to begin the process of trusting him again for a "do over".

When Sam said your feelings were normal, she wasn't just patronizing you! They are very normal - especially for a five-week old confession which has left various impressions on you.

There are some key elements(applications) to focus on in that last statement:

You have feelings - justifiable feelings and emotions - betrayal, anger, mistrust, self-worthlessness, loyalty and many other issues. NORMAL!

Patronizing you - the demonstration of repentance by your husband (and friend) to the "church" is an indication that he does not intend to patronize you. That takes a huge heart to stand before the "church" and seek forgiveness while risking condemnation and separation. Is this an indication of REPENTIVE HEART? Chances are it is.

Five week confession - this tragic event has JUST happened. Praise God for His forgiveness and grace that you have extended to your husband and friend. That doesn't automatically erase the pain and suffering which are part of the consequences of an affair - to the partner who is offended, as well. In time, THIS TOO SHALL PASS! In time. Give it time and relieve your self of the pressure that you must be under right now.

Those ugly impressions - images are probably forming in your mind each time you even think of romance, see it on TV or hear another radio program on "The joys of marriage", etc. Pray, "Lord, may our marriage be restored to your design once again .... and as soon as possible, please!" Admit that you have those impressions to your husband without any expectations of him responding. DON"T GO THROUGH THIS PAIN PERIOD ALONE, BUT SHARE IT & YOUR RECOVERY WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I believe that's healthy.

Does the act of adultery carry biblical grounds for divorce and is the offended spouse free to remarry? Yes! Because of just that, we are so excited that you have decided to reconcile with your husband in an attempt to rebuild the trust and romance that God designed for you – both as an individual person and as a wife.

Lastly, consider seeking professional Christian marriage/family counseling as soon as possible, as Sam suggested. This is a must!

YOU CAN DO THIS WITH GOD & YOUR HUSBAND!

Blessings …..

FallenKnight'sWife · Newbie Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 10

SAM and Carebbean, thank you for your encouragement. Just hearing that what I am going through is normal means worlds to me. I've never been "normal" before! LOL

SAM you're right, there are a LOT of aspects of our marriage that had to be put under a microscope. It was really hard to find out why this happened because we really did have what everybody (including us) thought to be a model marriage. I don't know if it's something that can be defined as a His Needs/Her Needs type emotional need, but my husband is gifted with an amazing amount of compassion. His heart goes out to everyone who is hurting and he gives and checks up on people to a degree that most Christians would find inconvenient or burdensome. That's how this started. He promised her husband (we both did, but I was very pregnant with baby #3 at the time) to do everything possible to take his wife and boys under our wing to care for them when he left to go to Germany with the Air Force for two years. Major mistake. HUGE gaps in their marriage left her FAR too open to receive my husband's "help" as a meeting of some major emotional needs of hers that had gone unmet for years. At any rate, my husband has made himself accountable to both our minister and two other men--one he has lunch with weekly. They're a MAJOR help to him in his healing. Oh, and incidentally, I ordered those two books this morning! And I'm starting a journal as we speak...
Carebbean, I know I have Biblical "grounds" for divorce, but I just can't picture myself doing something that God hates. I also can't imagine "replacing" the man I know my husband could be with God's help.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

Yeah, I'm so glad for your openess and willingness to work on restoration.
As you read through the book, "Every Hear Restored", the biggest strength in restoration is the attitude of forgiveness from the spouse who has been hurt. It really will carry you the rest of the way.

Five weeks is not a long time - it is not a long time to grieve. And, that is exactly what you are doing is grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had. It takes time to grieve, to cry and to be angry and all the other emotions that come with it.

I pray for you and know there will come a day when you can take a deep breath and realize you do not hurt anymore.

Let me know what you think of the books -

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