Alcohol Problems in Marriage

conradsmom · Newbie Joined: 25 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years, married for 11 years. Well my husband has a problem with alcohol, he drinks beer heavily. A twelve pack each night and about two - three over the weekend. This has been going on for about 9 years and its caused a lot of problems in our marriage.

My question is - do I have to accept him as an alcoholic? He's not abusive and he does work and attempt to pay the bills. He said since I can't respect him for who he is (drinking) then maybe we shouldn't be together. I'm a christian that fulling practicing and he's has not committed his life to the Lord yet. He says he not going to or have a desire to. I know I had started seperating myself from him because all I can see is his drinking. A minister at my church says yes. I feel I have a right not wanting to live with someone who is so consume with alcohol.

What do you think?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

When you married 11 years ago were you a Christian? Or, have you become one since you married? Did you take vows that said, "until death do us part", or "until the Lord takes us home?" How about, "In sickness and in health?"

Your husband is dealing with a sickness/illness called alcoholism. When someone we love or have loved is dealing with an illness or addiction, we try to find a way to seek help. Perhaps the pastor you spoke with at church would be willing to come to your home to speak to you and your husband. Perhaps, there are friends and family that would be willing to do an intervention with you and address this to him.

Have you considered attending an Al-Anon meeting? These are meetings for people who are dealing with an alcoholic. Is your husband feeling at all that he has a drinking problem or is his drinking your problem? I would highly encourage you to have ameeting with your pastor to search scripture (pull out the bible), look at the verses on divorce and see if you truly have a "right" to divorce. As far as I have been able to find, divorce is only for adultery, not for drinking problems. You've mentioned no abuse, holding down a job and being able to pay bills. That is the positive things to work on. I encourage you to pray that God will take the desire for alcohol away from your husband and bring healing to your marriage.

More so than the alcohol, there may be the issue of not being equal in spiritual matters? There is a wonderful book out by Lee Stroebel called, "Surviving a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage".

God hates divorce and I would never recommend divorce. I pray you will consider counseling and talking with your husband about his illness. Perhaps you could join him and encourage him to participate in an AA meeting. This cannot be an easy life for you and difficult to live with this illness. I pray God will give you the strength, the words, the courage and the perseverance to walk through this difficult time as well as the wisdom to see the help you need for you and your hsuband.

conradsmom · Newbie Joined: 25 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

No, I didn't accept Christ until after I got married. Even before that, I believed in those scriptures and still do. I wasn't raised in the church, but read and believed the bible. My husband was raised in the church until his high school year and I believe he knows the Lord, just deciding to live his life his own way.

I understand and believe in everything you said regarding marriages and divorce, but when you have someone telling you they are never going to change and I have to accept it - yes its really a hard life. He acknowledges his drinking problems and even tried counseling, but that was a requirement to get his license back.

I don't want to end my marriage, because I know what a good person my husband is whenever he's not drinking and have his mind focus on other things. I just don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who spends his free time drinking all the time. I feel whenever I go on with my goals and aspirations, I'm leaving him behind. I try to include him in with the things I'm involved in or ask for suggestions of what we can do together, but he's not interested in participating. I mostly go alone or with our son.

I'm thinking about going to an Al-Anon session, but haven't gone through it yet. I guess i'm afraid of disconnecting from him even more. I mean, I have the church now and the more I participate in it, it seems to seperate us even more. (I have cut back on my commitments at church to be home more)

I'm just totally confused, scared, tired and don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the Minister to come talk with us, but my husband is so angry right now, I'm not sure if its a good idea.

Thanks for listening and your prayers. I'll keep praying to God for answers and try to hold on.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

conradsmom · Newbie Joined: 25 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

To Give an Update on my situation:

My husband and I was still on dangerous grounds. I even started a fight with him because he took his wedding band off and said he would not put it back on until he felt like he was married again. This made me very angry because no matter what we went through in the past, I've never taken my ring off or said something like that. Well the fight ended with me packing my things to leave, but then I remembered I love my home and told him to leave and I packed his bags.

Of course he wasn't going for this so he unpacked his bags. By that time I was really tired physically and spritually. Earlier I was praying to God to show me a sign or scripture of what I should do concerning my marriage. The words "Be Still and Know that I am God" kept repeating in my head. When I researched it, I found it came from Psalm 46:10. Not only did that repeat in my head, but it seemed that every devotion I read that week said the exact same thing. One even had the exact scripture. Well when I started that fight, I know I didn't "Be Still" but I repented later that night for forgiveness and continued praying for my marriage.

To get to where we are now: When Mother's Day came, my husband said that even though we have some serious issues, he still loved me and wanted Mother's Day to be special. I accepted that and agreed not to do anything that would cause the day to go bad. We had a lovely day and he cherised me with attention like he has done in the past and that night we reconsiled to the point to admit our wrong doings and to say we still wanted to remain married to each other and we both will try our best to not let our marriage get back into this situation again. I told him that we still need counseling to be sure of that, but he didn't say anything. I told him that I'm going to take the advise of attending an Al-Alon meeting so I can cope with his drinking.

I still need your prayers for our marriage. I know we still have a long way to go, but with your prayers, my prayers, and God's help - we will get there.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

Thanks for letting us know how things are going. I'm so sorry for your pain. I prayed for you and your husband this morning with hope for release from this addiction.

These exits from your marriage and threats cannot continue. This is where counseling is necessary. If your husband will not go, then you should go for yourself. Sometimes when we take the first step, our husbands will follow. Same thing with the Al-Anon meeting or going to an AA meeting - take the first step to find out what a meeting is like.

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