Homosexuality in marriage

MCM75 · Newbie Joined: 24 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

I found gay porn on my computer and was completely shocked. My husband and I are very active in our church so I did not expect to find this. When I confronted my husband he denied for about 30 minutes then came clean. I found out he was sexually assaulted as a child and now I am concerned. He says he has not acted on this urge but how can I trust this? How can I trust him again? I do not want to break up my marriage but this is other men I am dealing with.... Crying or Very sad

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

First, welcome to GT. I am so glad you have been willing to share this.
The issue of homosexuality/lesbianism in marriage is becoming more and more prevalent that we think.

The problem is, as with any other type of sexual exploration outside of marriage or pornograhy, it breaks down the marriage bond instead of building it up. My heart breaks for you, your pain and your discovery.

If you have some very trusted Christian friends, your pastor, the elders, etc. your husband needs to come forward if he honestly wants to give this to God and show a heart of repentance. Has he ever dealt with the molestation as a child through therapy? If not, this would be a place to begin. I would also find a Christian counselor to help both of you through this. Specifically find one who specializes in this issue.

If you do not have blocks or special software on your computer, I have heard of one called "Covenant Eyes" for internet porn. I believe there are others. Growthtrac has some great material within the site on the topic of homosexuality and pornography.

I recently read a book by Stephen Arterburn called, "Every Heart Restored". A wife's guide to healing in the wake of a husband's sexual sin.
Arterburn has written a series of books, that are excellent. Also, "Every Man's Battle" and "Every Man's Marriage."

Rebuilding trust takes one moment at a time. Watch for the condition of your husband's heart and whether it is one of true repentance and wanting to do everything to make this work, seeking the help that is needed and one that will rebuild your trust. You cannot trust that he has not acted on his impulses. A mutual doctor visit to have him tested for aids and any other sexually transmitted diseases is called for.

Please let us know how things are going. I pray for healing and restoration in your marriage and protection.

webacus · Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:44 pm Post subject:

MCM Welcome.

MCM75 · Newbie Joined: 24 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

He was sent to the dr the next day and his results as of now are clean for stds but I told him he must be retested again for my peace of mind. he is "too ashamed" to be completely honest w/ the people @ our church and we cannot afford counseling outside of church. The kicker about talking to anyone in our church is that we are close to the associate pastor and his wife but really they are the only couple close to our age in the church. He is making an effort but apparently he has been "looking" @ this stuff most of the 8 yrs we have been married. I do not believe he was abused during counseling but has a low view on what counseling is capable of doing. I have a spyware program that I put on the computer and that is how I found out about the porn but it is almost as if he wanted to be caught b/c he knew I was going to put one on due to the fact that we have grade school children who use the computer. I know that this is not my fault but I feel so discouraged in my faith and home life and I feel like an ugly toad right now instead of the princess I am. Thank you for all of your suggestions I will check into the porn blocker, books, and I will continue to pray. I love my husband I truely believe he has a calling in his life and I know that God can build him up but I need God to help me carry on.... Thank you for your prayers.

webacus · Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 6:27 pm Post subject:

MCM
Glad you had him take the test (and re-tests). Also, "well done" on installing the spyware. Be tough.

You might lay out what you need from him to begin re-establishing trust.
One of those things might be disclosure to a third party -- regardless of how ashamed he feels. He needs accountability.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

The accountability thing and coming forward to another Christian other than yourself is an absolute must. He needs this from someone other than you. You cannot be his guard and he may not feel he can always speak to you about this because of your emotions.

This sin has been hidden and kept secret for a long, long time. It can be hidden no more. I highly encourage you to bring this before the associate pastor and his wife. There needs to be accountablity established. He needs to have someone other than his wife, holding him up in prayer.
The more prayer, the better.

Many counselors will consider a sliding scale for payment. So, please do not write counseling off because it is something you cannot afford. Counseling is something you cannot afford not to do for the restoration and healing of your marriage. Please pray that God will find a way to make this happen.

Your husband's sin has less to do about you than you can imagine. I know that is hard to believe right now. Your husband can be deeply in love with you and still be stuck in uncontrolled sexual sin. It is part of a man's wiring.

Something for you to consider as a wife. You can bury yourself in self-doubt and unforgiveness or be the helper and co-builder of your marriage.
God has not left you. He is walking right beside you every step of the way, longing to comfort you, to hold you as a the precious Princess that you are, to capture every tear and to heal every wound. Take things moment my moment, minute by minute and lift everything up to Him. He will help you through this. Just rock back and forth in His loving arms.

MCM75 · Newbie Joined: 24 Apr 2005 Posts: 3

Thank you. You have given me a great deal to think about and opened my mind to another point of view. However I do believe that his sexual sin being part of his wiring is a cop out...I do not feel like a man is anymore tempted than a woman..... He has been out of town for work and comes home tomorrow. I do pray and even though I get discouraged at times. I have mixed feelings about him coming home tomorrow. I really want him to come home and hug me and just spend time with me but at the same time I have a hoe in my heart and it feels as if it is being filled with concrete. I know that I must believe, have faith, and take it one day @ a time. Thanks for your advice and prayers.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I encourage you to not let this go, do not hope or wish it away, but deal with it head on and in a God honoring way. Do not hide it, do not bury it, because it will continue to rear it's ugly head into your marriage. Please consider having him come forward to someone at your church.

You are in my prayers -

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Once you read "Every Heart Restored", you will gain a different insight into the sexual wiring of your husband. Men are very much different from women.

praise · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2005 Posts: 11

Hi MCM75

I'm in agreement with what SAM said. Please hold on to your faith and don't give up. I have a similar situation like yours and I can imagine exactly how you feel.

I suggested to my husband actually this past weekend about me getting counseling since he was not receptive to it before. But praise God he is open to it and I believe that God is going to work miracle on our behave. I have ordered the book that SAM suggested to you and looking forward to reading that and gaining some wisdom in this situation.

Know that you are in my prayers....be strong and don't try to overlook you. God will give you the wisdom to know exactly how to do it.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Sometimes if we say we need counseling to work on "me", our husbands have a different outlook on joining us. I have been very blessed to have a husband who has always been willing to go and to work on our marriage. I know I am blessed because I talk to way too many women who tell me their husbands will not go. Pride, unwillingness to open up, unwillingness to change, unwillingness to let down their guard and share "feelings" - Honestly, I think it is a heart issue and also has a lot to do with hiding from a wife and hiding from God. Yet, every aspect of us still seen my our Heavenly Father.

I only know I had to do it for myself the first time I went. I think when my husband started seeing positive changes in how I responded to him, he was then willing to join me. If a man thinks it will only be a "witch hunt" against him, then I understand his reluctance. Sometimes it helps if we are willing to see a male counselor instead of a female. It helps our husband let down their guard a little. We have gone for additional "tweaking" two more times throughout our marriage and always walk away stronger than when we first started.

Something to consider - when my husband an I were unconnected to a church, when we tried to do marriage on our own with no community and no accountability to anyone but ourselves, we failed miserably. Once we surrounded ourselves with loving, caring Christians who were willing to invest in us and us in them with friendships, with bible study and with the voice of truth, our marriage became the marriage we always wanted it to be. That included a commitment to Christ for both of us and a commitment to going to church together and with our children. One spouse cannot sit home week after week while the other attends church alone. Building the intimacy you desire in a marriage has to be done with the help of God, with the help of friends and community. Hiding our sin or "stuff" can no longer be an option.

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