Jim
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Joined: 02 Mar 2001
Posts: 117
Location: Chicago
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 Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:01 am Post subject: The Warning Signs of an Abuser |
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SAFETY ALERT
Do you need help? If This is An Emergency:--Call 9-1-1
--Alert Neighbors
--Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233)
--Use a Safe Computer - Your personal computer can be monitored!
If you are a victim of domestic violence, make a safety plan to help you figure out what to do the next time you are in danger.
Warning Signs of an Abuser
Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his/her victim, he/she typically demonstrates his/her abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:
Charm
He/she can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He/she may use that charm to gain very personal information about you. He/she will use that information later to his/her advantage.
For example; the abuser will ask if you have ever been abused by anyone. If you answer, "yes", they will act outraged that anyone could treat someone that way. Then when they becomes abusive, they will tell you no one will believe you because you said that before and it must be your fault or two people would not have hit you.
The threat to take away children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.
Isolation
Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.
Social isolation usually begins with them wanting you to spend time with him/her and not family, friends or co-workers. He/she will then slowly isolate you from any person who is a support. He/she dictates whom you can talk to; and will tell you you cannot have contact with your friends or family.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He/she constantly accuses you of having affairs. If you go to the grocery store, he/she accuses you of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If you go to the bank, he/she accuses you of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims a whore or a slut or a pimp.
Emotional Abuse
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-esteem. He/she blames you for their violence, puts you down, calls you names and makes threats. Over time, you no longer believe you deserve to be treated with respect and you blame yourself for their violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.
Control
Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim's life: where you go, how you wear your hair, what clothes you wear, whom you talk to. He/she will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.
The following are the reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:
They do not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him /her time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of the car. They wait until there are no witnesses and abuse the person they say they love.
If you ask a person of abuse, "can the abuser stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" The answer will be "yes". Most often when the police show up, they may looking calm, cool and collected and are in control when you may be the one who may look hysterical. If he/she were truly "out of control" he/she would not be able to stop themselves when it is to their advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he/she were "out of control" or "in a rage" he/she would not be able to direct or limit where their kicks or punches land.
Growthtrac Articles & Resources
March 2003 © Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Source: http://www.mvwcs.com/redflag.html |
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