need direction - my husband stopped going to church

james · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2004 Posts: 2

This is my first experience sharing my personal life with people I've never met, but I'll do my best to get my story across so I can receive prayer and guidance from those who may have already walked in my shoes. My husband and I were very young when we began dating. It was five years later that we got married. We were faithful members at our church and were involved in the youth group as leaders. He played drums and I sang. Things seemed to be great. We had the big wedding and had been married about 5 years when he decided to stop going to church. His decision to leave had to do with him being hurt by someone and certain expectations being placed on him. As a result, he stopped attending and it did great damage to our marriage. I don't blame him for the way he feels. Part of me truly understands, however, I also know that he has never been good at expressing his feelings and confronting those who've hurt him. Because of this, he tends to pull away when conflict rises. The other part of me knows that avoiding the conflict will only further damage his life, my life and our marriage. I've prayed and fasted over this for nearly 5 years now. I've talked and prayed with my pastor and a few close friends. I've been truly blessed to have their support and prayers. Through circumstances of this past year, we've been forced to re-assess our marriage and have been haunted by what little is left. Shared values and interests are gone and though we both want it to work, neither one of us are willing to let go of what is most important to us. The most important thing to me is keeping my relationship to the Lord. I will not walk away from God. I was called to ministry when I was very young and to this day am still very involved. My husband has not asked me to stop attending church or stop paying tithes or quit the ministry God gave me. To some degree he still values all of that. You see, he believes like I do, but he has been blinded to think that his way is ok. Because of where he is at spiritually, I realize I can't make him understand that God wants to do great things in our lives and marriage. It must be revealed to him. We are definitely at a crossroads in our marriage. I'm just not sure what my next step should be. I've done everything I know to do and left the rest in Gods hands. If anyone has any thoughts or direction in this matter, I sure would appreciate it.

james · Newbie Joined: 23 Aug 2004 Posts: 2

Jim · Posted: Tue Aug 24, 2004 2:47 pm Post subject:

james, thanks for writing.

First, you definately have the priorities straight-- God first.

What about Christian counseling?
Does your husband value the marriage as you do-- does he want to make it work?
Do you have any common Christian friends (group?)? Has anyone ever confronted him about this?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2051 Location: Chicago

I agree that Christian counseling would be a number one priority, but not with the pastor of your church. It would need to be with a licensed counselor in your community.

Are you still attending the church where your husband's feelings were hurt?
If that is the case, then I would find it very difficult for him to return there under any circumstances. If you still are attending and involved, then I would imagine he does not feel supported or honored by you.

Looking for a new church home together may be your only solution to moving forward with your husband and with God. Unfortunately, even as Christians, we can still do a lot of damage to each other. If he is not comfortable returning to this church, then you really do need to find a new one together. Ultimately, it will be your decision, not his. Sometimes we really need to take a look at our own "heart" condition and stop focusing on that of our spouse to move forward in our marriage.

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