trying to find hope again

calico · Newbie Joined: 27 Jul 2004 Posts: 4

I am new to this forum. I have a question regarding my marriage. What do you do when both people in the marriage think they made a mistake? My husband and I have been married since October, 2003 and were dating for five years prior. I know that might be strange dating for five years and feeling like it was a mistake but I think we both became codependent in the relationship. We have both been Christians for many years. He is several years older than me with three grown girls and grandchildren. I do not have any children. We eloped because I wanted to break our cycle of breaking up while we were dating. I knew it wasn't right but it seemed we had a hard time staying away, the most we stayed away was two months. Anyway, the point is we are married and neither of us is truly happy. In many ways, I take responsibility for this. I was outright disobedient and had all the warnings so I am without excuse. It just seems right now it is hard to find hope. My husband is a good man and a friend but I find it hard to compete with his need to be with his grandchildren, his grandson especially. It is hard to find hope through this but my husband and I both believe we should stay married. We both have been in counseling (for years) and recently came together after a one month separation. My counselor seems to think my problem lies in my lack of healthy attachments from childhood, I am not sure if I feel that is the main reason. I have been praying about all of this but it is so hard when my fellowship with the Lord feels detached at times. Any thoughts or ideas? Thanks for any insights.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Welcome and we are glad you have visited with us.

I am overjoyed that you both feel you should stay married. That is a very important first step. Are you asking the question, how do we fall in love again? What things did you do to please, serve, love and honor each other when you were dating? Do you still date? If not, then it is time to get started. Coffee, picnics, going for ice cream, holding hands, movies - sometimes we need to go back to the basics.

There a couple of very good books I have come across - "Divorce Proof Your Marriage" by Gary and Barbara Rosberg is one. The other is, "What If I Married the Wrong Person", by Richard Matteson and Janis Long Harris. You can find both of them through the Growthtrac Shopping Store.

Another thing to consider - there will be a series of articles through Growthtrac on the "Forgotten Intimacy". This may be the area where your marriage can use a tune-up??

I will pray for you and your husband. If your fellowhip with the Lord is detached, this may be the place to start. He is a God of "do-overs".

calico · Newbie Joined: 27 Jul 2004 Posts: 4

Thanks for your response. I will definitely look up those books you mentioned. Unfortunately, I did not fall in love with my husband (to my guilt) but the Lord has been doing a work in our lives. Actually, we do not have any problems getting along at all. He is giving me a love for him as I have been praying for that, a real love. He has been restoring to me a sense of hope that my life and purpose is not destroyed because of unwise/foolish decisions. I can really see that marriage is a lot of work but it seems it is so much better to go into it with a sense of joy and work out your problems from there.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Sorry I have been on vacation for the past week.
I pray you will find the love you both need. You are absolutely right about marriage being a lot of hard work. We have a tendency to think it should be the easiest relationship in our lives, but it is exactly the opposite. It is a daily choice - to love or not love our spouse.

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