Separated While Married - Financial Bankruptcy

sopranosong · Newbie Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 5

My believing (yet blinded and back slidden) husband of 17 yrs. has emotionally separated himself from me for the past 3 1/2 yrs., the last year he has actually lived outside the home. We have 3 awesome kids whom we both love with all our hearts. I truly see and believe that our situation is FAR from hopeless and I truly think that my husband is beginning to realize that more and more as well. PTL!

My immediate prayer concern is our worsening financial condition. My husband really feels that we're on the verge of having to declare Bankruptcy.

One of the issues that has already been affected by our finances is that we are not going to be able to continue sending our three children to this most wonderful private christian school in our area. That school has been like a lifeline to me and my kids throughout the past 3 1/2 yrs. of marital hell. We are having to consider public school, which really strikes almost a sense of terror into my heart (esp. coming out of a very wonderful, godly christian environment).

The area that we now are living is terrible for families -- it is a college / university district right by a major state university, and the public school district that we live in is awful (my husband is a vice principal in the city school district, so he knows...).

We have been looking to move now for the past 8 or so years, but have not been able to. Now on the verge of possible bankruptcy, I don't know how likely it is that we can move, or maybe we will have to if the bank takes our house from us....

Part of me can almost be excited about what's happening, because I believe that God is using this to back my husband up against a wall in order to further get his full attention and cooperation. So, if that be the case, then let the pieces fall where He wants them to.

I just need to pray against fear, and doubt as there are sooo many unknowns in my/our future. It's been this way for soo long now....it's just getting really old, ya know?

I would appreciate prayer and any words of encouragement or advice.....

God Bless,

Kathy Sad

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

My prayers go out to you and your family.
If you check around there are many areas, that have financial counseling available for free for credit consolidation.
As for bankruptcy, depending on the equity in your home, the court cannot always take your home from you. Depending on your state, there is an exemption amount for the home.

Many other issues from what I hear in your note. Has there every been counseling and do you have another Christian mentor couple who can walk beside you two? Sometimes we walk away from chruch and interaction with other believers because we don't want them to see our sin patterns.

There a community counseling services available at reduced rates depending on your ability to pay. You don't mention if you are working, so maybe that is a possiblity.

My husband and I were in similar circumstances about 10 years ago. It wasn't fun or pretty, but it definitely drew us closer to God. We weren't Christians at the time and through that experience, we both gave our lives over to Christ.

sopranosong · Newbie Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 5

My husband has not ever wanted or agreed to marital counseling throughout our 17 yrs. of marriage.
He finally began going to counseling for himself and his depression a couple of mos. ago, for the first time ever.
He is not open to the idea of a more mature christian couple mentoring us. I, however, do have two wonderful older women in my church whom I meet with on a regular basis.
I have not worked for the past 13 yrs. or so of our marriage, which was by definite mutual consent. It's taken awhile, but I am now at least open to entertaining the idea of getting a part-time job. I just feel so stretched already trying my best to be a single mom, and I already struggle w/such guilt and resentment towards my husband sometimes, esp. when i am tired and irritable and I just can't be everything to all of my children that they want/need me to be, and i feel so guilty for being partly responsible for "robbing" them of a whole, healthy parent -- my husband is even more guily/responsible of course..... So adding a part-time job onto what I'm already struggling to do is a bit overwhelming at times.
I don't know all the legal ins and outs of a bankruptcy yet. My husband is going to be mtg. with an atty. soon to discuss all that stuff.

Thanks for your feedback.

Kathy

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

When you have the meeting with the attorney, you should also go. Be informed and not kept in the dark.

You can only fix yourself, not your husband. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like for the better of the family. It's called sacrifice and servanthood.

There's a great article on Growthtrac this month about the Forgotten Intimacy. Maybe this is missing from your marriage?
Maybe this would be a start to rebuilding what you once had.

sopranosong · Newbie Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 5

Yes, I plan to get involved with whatever happens in our finances. And I've already told my husband that I really am willing to do whatever I can do to help our situation. I reminded him once again that i did not marry him for money (we've never really had much). I married him for the relationship.

What's strange and confusing about our situation is that as this separation has gone on, and within the past year esp., things have actually started to get much better between us, to a point where my estranged (and physically absent husband) has repeatedly reached out to me in many different ways since his first real sign of breakthrough last Aug. on our anniversary wknd. Since that wknd., there have been quite a few really great times between us (some even inc. physical intimacy again). But inevitably, he always reverts back to all his reasons why this just can't or won't work between us even though that very thing had just been proven wrong (yet again). He still had so much fear about coming back to the MARRIAGE (not necessarily to me as a person at times), but the re-commitment thing scares him silly and so far he still wants to stay out of the house and out of marriage. When I've asked him why, then, does he still come around to see me, or call me just to talk (or to actually flirt with me), he says that he doesn't know why himself, either...

:rock:

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

There is a great book available called Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. I would highly suggest this one to you.

If your husband has a revolving door when he wants it, when he needs it and when he wants physical intimacy - he has the best of all worlds.

There comes a point when the door needs to close for awhile and he knows that it isn't open when he feels like it. This is where counseling with clergy or wherever you can find it for yourself will help build your self esteem and give you the confidence you need.

sopranosong · Newbie Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 5

Yes, I have that book and loved it. It was very helpful. I even gave it to my husband to read. I totally agree about the open door policy being wrong and not healthy for either of us, and for quite some time i was very firm about that and stuck to it. It's wierd, though, because I really feel like God has really impressed upon me at times to go ahead with the intimacy "as unto the Lord" and as an act of loving sacrifice that He would honor me for. But then there have definitely been other times when I feel as if though God has assurred me to say "absolutely not!". I just want to make sure that I am not saying no for wrong reasons (to get back at him or something), and if he truly is trying to make a real comeback, then i don't want to discourage that either....

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Sorry I did not respond earlier as I was away on vacation this past week.
If you were guite firm about the open door policy for awhile, what changed??
By changing this boundary, has it really changed things that much? My guess from your
previous posts is no.

I know many couples who think that if the sex is good, then everything else is better. That was wrong thinking for my husband and myself. It didn't force us to face the real issues and problems in our marriage, it just masked them. We had to get very serious through counseling to realize we had a lot more to work on. Mostly, putting God at the center of our marriage. If we put everything else first and Him last, it just wasn't going to work.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Prayer Requests	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1