Recently divorced by trying to reconcile! - Restoration of my family

adambomb · Newbie Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 3

Back in March, I was handed divorce papers. These papers I deserved to receive. But for the last year and a half, I have changed, and tried to restore my family but have found resistence! Here's the story...

I was married over 12 years ago (when I was 20). My wife was two years older than me. We had a lot in common, but passion during our marriage was not very high. After two years of marriage, my son was born. I have enjoyed him every day since! I wanted to be a young father to be able to enjoy the things he enjoys! After that, we seem to get more distant. I was a musician as a hobby, so as I performed, people would give me accolades and kudos, but my wife was rarely there! I felt unloved and underappreciated. Unfortunately, that opened the door for Satan to bring others into my life that could fill that void... or so I thought. Instead of being truly unfaithful (in my mind at the time), I moved out to pursue other relationships. We separated for about 1 year and a half. At the end of that time, during some reconcilitation with my wife, my daughter was conceived. We didn't know until about 3 months into it. I didn't know what to do, but I told my wife, I would move home to help her raise the 2 kids and we would see where we would go from there. When I returned, everyone acted like nothing had happened! So, after about a year, I moved out again for the same reasons! I lived apart for another year or so, and determined I really needed to try one more time otherwise I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror. We tried counseling. After a few sessions, the counselor said what I knew all along, we did not communicate well with each other. So, we stopped going. BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO GO TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE! So, we drew further away. I was bitter because we didn't spend any alone time together, and she was upset that I didn't help around the house more for her to have energy to do alone time. But, SHE NEVER TOLD ME!

I know now that God gave us two ears to hear, and I wasn't listening. But I moved out again! This time, my wife really disconnected emotionally from me and began dating on her own! She filed for divorce and I am technically divorced now.

I did recommit to the Lord and have been demonstrating that to my wife, family and friends. But my wife says she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and she probably never will. Even her mother is a source of unforgiveness and poor counsel to her daughter. My father-in-law has encouraged me to hang in there, but I think her mother wears the pants in that family! They are all Lutherans, and no offense, but they certainly don't practice forgiveness and cherish the sanctity of marriage and that marriages should be saved whenever possible. So, I am trying to restore my family, but no one around my wife is encouraging that to happen. So, I'm a man on an island!

What I am wondering is does God go to bat for us with our spouses when they don't listen to us? How does God intervene on our behalf with those that we have wronged, but asked for forgiveness? Would God find ways to keep her other relationships from blossoming? Can the Spirit intervene? I believe that my wife has a free will, but I believe God has millions of ways to show her the right path and where His blessings lay. Is that true or am I dilluting myself!

Even though my wife is now the one committing the sin, is there hope for us after all, or should I walk away and let God lead me elsewhere? I pray so hard for one thing in my life, and that is this one miracle to come to pass! I would give up everything I have for one more chance to make things right before God. I want to have that miracle story to tell others about how wonderful God is to bring a healthy relationship up from the ashes, but I have lost so much hope! I need that so badly!

Does anyone have any advice, or have heard of other miracles that might bring me strength and comfort during this hellish time? I cry a little each day, and I do that because I know I CAUSED this to happen, and even though it takes two, I led us down this road. Now I need God to lead us back! I am faced with the prospect of other relationships, but I'm so afraid that if I move on, I will not be available for the day that phone call from my wife might come! Or, I am afraid that God doesn't want me to move on, therefore I would be not acting in HIS WILL!

I'm on my way to find a burning bush to speak to me. Until then, I'll check back and see if anyone has any words of encouragement! Thanks for providing this forum for help! It has really be a source of strength over this past 7 months!

Desperately seeking the Lord, and a miracle,

Robert

Janine · Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2002 1:53 pm Post subject:

Generic short picture:

You two were married. You two had unrealistic expectations due to bad communications. You tried to soothe your perceived hurts through adultery.

There has been a revolving door on your family, your home, your marriage, as far as you have ben concerned.

After various reconciliation attempts, the broken status of the relationship stands.

Papers have been served & after the legal process is completed you will, in the eyes of the state, be legally divorced.

You said, "Even though my wife is now the one committing the sin..." Please explain, how is she now sinning?

It is never God's best plan to have a family bust up. But, there are reasons outlined in Scripture why God would allow it.

What does the teaching leadership of your wife's church family tell her?

headed4glory · Newbie Joined: 28 Oct 2002 Posts: 7

Dear Robert,

At issue here is the covenant nature of our marriage commitments. The Bible tells us that God hates divorce and I think we can intelligently argue that marriage is meant to be a lifetime commitment. Can God restore a marriage that seems broken. Yes, unquestionably. Believing that we have made covenant promises not just to our spouse, but to God when we exchanged marriage vows, many today are standing for our marriages.

There are many online communities and resources where you can learn more about standing, and if you'd like me to share some with you I'd be happpy to. There's a lot to learn about what standing for a marriage is about, and what it isn't. What's important to understand is that while it's God's will that your marriage succeed, we still have free will. He doesn't condemn and asking Him to would be wrong. We can ask God to convict our spouses of His plan for marriage, and we can allow Him to work His perfect will in us.

Pray and fast about this and seek the Lord's direction. If He has called you to stand for your marriage, then by all means, that's what you should do.

In Christ,
Beth

webacus · Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2002 11:01 am Post subject:

Beth, well said. And welcome.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

I moved out to pursue other relationships

Once you had your first affair, you were divorced. After that point, it was your wife's option to move on. God attempted to give you second chance after second chance to reconcilation, but you didn't do the work. You should have been doing back-flips at that time, instead of being bitter you should have been bringing home flowers every week and doing everything humanly possible, plus asking God back into your marriage.

But you didn't, so what now ?

You have to start all over again. You have to dated your wife and court her all over again, without any advantages over her. You need to be humble, and not have false hope. You need to focus on truly loving her and talking to her. Unfortunately you have to die to yourself, and be a servant to her. You going to have to try to win her back.

MY 23:11-12
The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Quote:

but they certainly don't practice forgiveness

Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. You need to be humble. Forgiveness is of a sin, it doesn't include the repair of your damaged wife's heart. Also forgiveness does not preclude your wife from protecting her heart from more damage in the future.

Quote:

Even though my wife is now the one committing the sin

Janine is right on, on this one; How is she sinning. Until you stop looking to justify your position, and truly repent, and stop blaming others, how can God help your harden heart.

adambomb · Newbie Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 3

I agree with all your comments. As for the statement "she is committing the sin now", I think I meant that she began dating others before she knew of the adultery. I'm not trying to make a point about being more right than her. I truly feel that I am the one that put us where we are at. And I know my wife has a free will, and she is exercising it. I know God will not condemn her for what she is doing, but I do know, and the only thing that makes me see a light at the end of the tunnel, is that God's spirit can touch her heart, and maybe He can reach her in a way I can't right now.

As for her church and family, there's not a lot of conviction to do BIBLICALLY the right thing. They don't talk much about divorce in her church. I grew up Catholic, but converted to Christianity, where they teach the whole bible. In my wife's church (Lutheran), it's, IN MY OPINION, Catholic-Lite. There's no true conviction to do God's will. This church has gone through some serious history (previous pastor molested kids, etc.). I just wish that we had a stronger Christian backing during our rough times, rather than a blind eye. We didn't know what to do, and the support really wasn't there. There's more support for each of us doing our own thing. I regret that most of all!

I know I need to trust God to lead me. Right now, I do stand for my marriage, but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My faith, of which I have been clinging to for over a year, is a little shaken. But, I know that I will be okay, and I know that now, finally, I am listening to God and trying to do His will.

Does that help to clarify? I'm not looking to be right, just to be blessed!

Thanks, all!

Robert

Janine · Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2002 7:47 am Post subject:

There are a lot worse advisors you could have than the Father/Son/Spirit and the written Word!

Keep praying.

kelly · Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2002 11:06 am Post subject:

Hello Robert,

I agree with Dave here; you need to win her back. This does not gaurantee anything, but you brought the two of you to rock bottom, now you need to start from where you are and work up. Date her. Send her flowers. Behave as if there was no bad feelings between the two of you and fall in love all over again. Don't expect her to be easily wooed off her feet however (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned), but if you remain persistent, in prayer, and loving, you may be seen with favor both in God's eyes and in her's. In your conversations with her don't get defensive, don't make excuses, don't lose your patience, don't lay any guilt or responsibility on her, just show love. Being a woman myself, I can't imagine she will make this easy on you. If you truly love her stick through it. I would also advise some fasting with your prayer on this one if you really are serious. You have some serious repenting and growing to do to get to where you want to be. It is not impossible though, hang in there :inlove: .

In Him, Kelly

P.S. Do the two of you spend any time at all together right now? Are you on speaking terms?

JustWantPeace · Newbie Joined: 26 Oct 2002 Posts: 11

Hi, Robert! This is my first post where I'm not on the receiving end.

I agree with Kelly. Speaking as a woman, I place a high value on romance and courtship. You are starting at square one, and it seems like your best bet would be to start over from scratch.

You'll have to be prepared for rejection. Unlike a new relationship, there are deep scars. She may not be ready to receive your kind gestures, and this must be ok with you.

Some of the most difficult aspects of a marriage that disintegrates is the tendency to place blame. While both of you share this blame, it will be your place to listen. It's hard to be humble! If you can listen selflessly, she will tell you what she really wants. You may be amazed.

Finally, is God at the center of your marriage? Your chances rise even more if you and your wife put your relationships with God first. He is the Master at solving life's impossible problems, and it will help you as you work through the junk that drove you apart. The goal isn't to excuse or find causes...the goal is to work past them and to ask for forgiveness, from God and from each other.

Then time will be on your side.

adambomb · Newbie Joined: 18 Oct 2002 Posts: 3

Thanks for all the advice. I've been reading so many books on this subject (Power of a Praying Husband, When God Doesn't Make Sense, Growing Through Divorce and When The One You Love Wants To Leave, plus others). I think one of the things that makes sense for me right now is giving her space. I've pursued her for over a year, praying sometimes more than once a day about us, and I think SHE is in a place right now that she needs some space. She knows that I love her, and my actions for the last year plus have reinforced my words! That's all I can do outwardly towards her. I continue to center my life around my recommitment to God, and that is what brings me strength!

I know you asked "if we spend time together?" We play softball together every Tuesday night, and we worked out together Mondays & Tuesdays. The softball season is over until March, and I chose to opt out of the working out. I think I did that more out of self-preservation. It hurts so much to spend time with her in the gym, but knowing that she's probably rather be working out with her boyfriend. Of course, to complicate things, she's interested in a guy who lives out of state. So, who knows where this relationship is going.

But, I do continue to wait. I do tell her I love her and give her hugs. That's about the extent of what she will allow me to do. So I cheerfully take what I can get. I've asked her to do things with me & our kids, but she usually opts out.

I know that I cannot find joy if I hold on to my sorrow! I am trying to concentrate on me and my happiness and relationship with God! Please pray that I can continue to demonstrate those life-long changes that God imparted to me, and that my wife might be touched by the Spirit and see those changes with her heart. I know this is a noble cause that I fight for, and I know the Lord has forgiven me for not taking better care of it in the first place.

debbie · Newbie Joined: 13 Dec 2002 Posts: 4

Robert,

Check out this sites: www.restorem.org. It has helped me alot as I also am praying for the restoration of my marriage. I have been divorced since Oct. (he filed the papers).

It has not been easy but I had to completely take my eyes off of him and put them onto myself. I was advised by someone to "eat crow" and it was not easy, but I began to... I began to take blame for everything and I sought his forgiveness and I did not bring up things or share anything he did that made me angry. I stopped arguing with him and just humbled myself. I was in the Word and praying (still am) and fasting as well. And I was on the internet reading things about marriage and divorce (Christian sites) and growing in my conviction and understanding of marriage and divorce.

My husband'd heart has softened a HUGE amount towards me and although I believe we still have a ways to go, I believe that God is working in both him and me to bring us back together.

In my prayers, I have learned not to be doubleminded. I am growing in my faith believing in what looks (with the human eye) to be impossible. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want it... but I am reminded of what I've learned the past few months... to OBEY God. When my feelings say... forget it and I am tempted to give up, I am reminded of God's Word and how He tells me to be willing to suffer and so much more.

You also must be willing to suffer. It is in suffering that we really grow and become more like Christ. And your wife will eventually see it. She is probably afraid to trust you right now. It may take time to win her. There is a book by Gary Smalley called, "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It Is Too Late." I have a copy I could send to you if you would like.

Your wife's heart is hardened right now, and there is a spiritual battle. Satan fights hard and he wants to destroy you, your wife, and any chance of reconciliation. You must fight with prayer and Scripture. Keep praying fervently for your wife. Fast for her-- read Isaiah 58:6-11 about fasting. It's powerful.

Change the things you need to change. Whatever bothered her... even if you don't see it as something that you need to change... change for her... simply because you love her. And change to be a better man.

Also, let her be. Don't pressure her, manipulate, or cause her to feel guilty. Treat her always with kindness, gentleness, and love, but do not point out her sin. Allow God to do that. Allow God to speak to her, to change her, to soften her heart.

Here are some really good verses... look them up. 1 Peter 3:12-16. 1 Peter 4:8. 1 John 3:16-20. Heb. 10:35-36. Heb. 10:39. James 1:2-8. James 4:7-10. Jude vs. 20. Prov. 4:25-27.

I made a notebook full of verses that spoke to me during my separation.

Your faith is going to grow! God wants to do a good work in both you and your wife. Sometimes, something has to die in order for it to be brought back to the life God desires for it. Your old marriage is gone and dead. But God CAN give you a new, more wonderful marriage with your wife and I pray He does!! I know that is His good and perfect will. Your wife does have a free will, but you must hope and believe and have faith.

At least, in the end... if she never returns... you will have the peace of mind knowing you did all you could to try to reconcile. You cannot change her, you cannot convince her... but God CAN.

You must be willing to fight... to fight the battle taking place... it will not be easy. You have to pray, be in the Word, fellowship with other Believers because God created us to need each other, you must keep yourself pure and steadfast. You almost have to be "perfect" because your wife will see any failure as reason not to be back with you.

Join a recovery group. Find a mentor. If the chance arrises, share with your wife you've done this. Even if she says nothing, it will speak to her.

I have much more I could say, but I will stop now. My prayers are with you. God is a powerful, almighty God! He made the two of you one and that is a very powerful bond that is not broken by man. His will is for reconciliation. Pray and believe. Wait upon the Lord and do not lose hope. Do what is right so God will hear your prayers and bless you as well. Forgive your wife and love her... from a distance... respect her, honor her, and treat her with kindness.

Don't give up!

God bless you,
Debbie

RobJ · Newbie Joined: 30 Dec 2002 Posts: 11

Any update Robert?

RobJ · Newbie Joined: 30 Dec 2002 Posts: 11

And Debbie, pray for my wife and I too. I posted in the prayer request.

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