Thoughts from the outside looking in - What do YOU see?

sugarjones · Newbie Joined: 09 Aug 2002 Posts: 3

I'll try to make this short...
Been a Christian all my life, messed up at 19 and became pregnant, married at at 21 and we now have two kids and have been married for 3.5 years. We are having a few marital problems. I am not a perfect wife (nor near perfection). My hubby grew up in church and I believe has been gifted greatly by the Lord, but has seen such hypocrisy in the church that he has walked away. He is a bitter, angry man. I have hurt him through making mistakes. More bitterness and anger. It has now come to the point where he tells me who not to be friends with (mostly Christians), he dictacts the way that he wants me to look and keeps tight control on where I go. He also wants me to believe that this is all my doing because he cannot trust me because of mistakes I have made. And he expects submission to his requests.
Is this normal? It is tough to evaluate the situation when you are on the inside. I am striving to be a Godly wife. Jesus took a lot of abuse when on earth, is this what I am supposed to do? Endure punishment for mistakes, reap consequences. The Liberal Christian would say HECK NO! You stand up and tell him. The traditional Christian would encourage me to trust the Lord, submit and pray fervently. What do you think?
Sorry for the novel.

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

First off, welcome to the board. I think you will find warm and thoughtful comments here.

Quote:

He is a bitter, angry man. I have hurt him through making mistakes

Your husband is bitter and angry. Is this more because of others or more because of your mistakes? What is the source of this anger and bitterness. Was your mistake in being faithful? Would he and you consider counseling?

Quote:

has seen such hypocrisy in the church that he has walked away

While he has walked away from the church, has he walked away from his Christian Walk? Does he pray, read the bible, or do anything to express his faith in Christ?

sugarjones · Newbie Joined: 09 Aug 2002 Posts: 3

The root of the bitterness and anger is not me. I have added to it and irritated it. And no, I have not been unfaithful.

He has walked away from the church out of disappointment in Christians he looked up to. He doesn't read his Bible, nor do we pray together. Yet, he insists he is a "better" Christian than I am, because he is upfront and honest about his convictions and lifestyle (not sure if that makes sense, it is hard to explain).

And as fas as counselling, he thinks that is for weak people. He won't allow me to go either. He thinks I needs to figure my issues and get past them on my own.

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

He has walked away from the church out of disappointment in Christians he looked up to

It's hard to have a Christian walk when we raise our expectations of people we respect to high. Satan will attack those we respect and like. But our faith should be centered in Christ; no matter how good a pastor or lay person may be.

You have posted words like, anger, bitterness, and trust. Seems like there are lots of wedges to separate God, You, and your Husband. Is your husband's control over you normal? Well I would have to say no, it is not normal in the way you have discribed it.

Have you talk to your pastor?
Does your husband allow you to go to church?
Have you prayed on your sitituation?
Do you read your bible?

sugarjones · Newbie Joined: 09 Aug 2002 Posts: 3

My husband allows me to go, but gives me a VERY hard time how long I am there, how much time I devote to doing tasks for the church and how I associate with while there. I have been a part of a church plant for the past year and there is alot of hard work to be done. He originally started out with me on the church plant but after an argument between him and I, stopped attending. His current position is that church itself doesn't do me any good, as I haven't improved as wife while attending.
I have been working through Power of a Praying Wife and have found it very insightful. I read my Bible but certianly not enough. I have been working in discipling myself to reading daily.

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

He originally started out with me on the church plant but after an argument between him and I, stopped attending

How old is your church? Starting a new church can suck the life's blood out of people, if they over commit or as is usually the case get involved in the frustration caused by poor planning. Or if the Pastor doesn't open up the process, it can lead to over control of ideas and decision making process.

Without planning, church organizations develop in random and chaotic process. This confusion and frustation from poor planning invades the discussions a husband and wife have about their new found church. This can cause division and further frustration.

Has your husband's anger been an out growth of planting a new church? How were things before?

tanza · Full Member Joined: 30 Jul 2002 Posts: 76

This is a hard situation---I don't know from experience but my heart does hurt for you sis!

In the past few years, both my hubby and I have grown very disillusioned by what we see in others around us. Especially those in leadership. However, we have also experienced God in a real way in our lives and know that He is not the problem. Sin nature is...and will be until the day of Christ!

I would encourage you to be obedient in your call as a wife. To be your husbands helpmeet. My marriage counsellor told me that my role as helpmeet is to help my hubby become the man God wants him to be. Sometimes this is hard...almost too hard. I'll pray with you that God will give you wisdom in how to respond to your husband in the way that is needed.

And for Anthony... just wondering... are you a pastor? and have you started a church? My husband is a future missionary and loves getting pointers!

~grace & peace~

kelly · Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2002 3:33 pm Post subject:

Hello and welcome. I can't say this with absolute certainty as I don't know your situation any further than what you posted, but, according to how you described your marraige I will say that your husband is not acting as he should. It sounds like he has a big control issue and that certainly is not healthy. He is not giving you room to grow, especially since he is limiting your involvement in your church. As far as his claim to be a better Christain, that is very prideful. A good Christain husband would be praying with his wife as well as for himself. I am really sorry to hear that he is not open to couseling, my opinion is you guy's desperately need it. He needs some good, Godly advice from fellow men and you need the support of good, Godly women.

My advice in the situation would be to keep up what you are doing. "Power of a Prayng Wife" is an excellent book. Pray for him every day, I do so for my husband and I have seen answers to my prayers. As his wife it is your duty to remain his helpmate and to be submissive to him. As long as what he is requesting of you does not go against God's Word, like asking you to sin somehow, submitting will please God, as well as show your husband Christ shining through you. I imagine it is difficult sometimes, but submit with a smile, then go and vent out in prayer. I'm not saying not to let him know how you feel, by all means discuss your feelings with him when the time arises that you can do it calmly, but in the meantime, fulfill your position.

Do the people/pastor in your church know the situation? I think others, besides us here, should know so they can intercede with prayer and maybe squeeze in some couseling for you at least.

I don't mean to soundlike I am beating up on your husband. We all go through seasons, some harsher than others (even the "best" Christains). Keep praying for him and pray also for God to continue to give you a heart for your husband so that your heart doesn't become hard and bitter. Love endures and love covers a multitude of sins. :inlove:

YSIC, Kelly.

Anthony · Full Member Joined: 14 Jun 2002 Posts: 84

Quote:

And for Anthony... just wondering... are you a pastor? and have you started a church?

No, I am not a Pastor, only a disciple of Christ. I have seen a lot of new churches spring up like gas stations, all attempting to serve the same geographic flock. With limited resources and sometimes big visions for their churches, Pastors can get to much into their vision rather than God's vision. Also I take issue with the one pastor one church concept. I feel a healthy church needs several pastors, to not only be able to give a sermon, but to share in the management of a church, otherwise things bogg down, red tape is created and the Pastor becomes a dictator. Also lay people with God given talents, should be given space to do their calling, as long as they are within the lane lines and boundaries that the Pastors and Elders have set-up.

There ae several good books on setting up a church. They have some good suggestions and ideas, but they should NOT to be simply copied or used as a cookbook. Also not all of the suggestions or comments may be proper for one personal style. Still the books offer good insight.

Also read some of the reviews, they go both ways, because crafting a church is a touchy issue, because each person has an opinion on what a church should be and do. These two books highlight two very successful churches. Saddleback Community in Californina, and Willow Creek Community in Illinois.

The Purpose-Driven® Church - Reader Reviews

Building a Contagious Church - Reader Reivews

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