PORN Recovery

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Yeah God! I am so excited for you. God really does wish to give us the desires of our hearts.

Mark and Debra Lasser of Faithful and True Ministries http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/ have a ministry devoted to couples walking through sexual addiction. My husband and I heard them speak at a retreat at our church and they are awesome in talking about Mark's addiction and their healing as a couple. The were launching a new seminar called The Seven Desires of the Heart which are:

Being heard: Have you ever wished a friend or spouse would listen to what you are trying to say? Do you find your mind wandering sometimes when you try to concentrate on what someone else is saying?

Being affirmed: Do you wish that someone close to you would let you know you are doing a great job or support you in what you do?

Being praised: Do you long for someone to express their admiration for you, whether you feel successful or not?

Feeling safe: Is your physical well-being important to you? Do you want to know that you have shelter, food, clothing and enough money to feel comfortable?

Being touched: Do you sometimes need a hug or pat on the back from a friend or spouse just to know they care?

Being desired: Do you long to be passionately wanted and needed by your spouse?

Being included: Do you desire to be a meaningful part of a worshipping community? Is it important to you to be included in an intimate relationship with God?

Deb has a new book out called Shattered Vows that I would highly recommend for women. Her husband has also written a book called Healing Wounds of Sexual Addiction.

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

OH Lord, I am so sorry for not getting on sooner. This is so much more than any of us will ever know. Knowing about the problem is the 1st step, getting help (whether they want to or not) is the next step, than learning how to live with total trust in God, to please Him, to do His will (not our own). Secured, Kemi, Kellison & Loved...we are all on different levels of the same journey, and with total trust in Our Beloved Lord we WILL get through this. I remember when I contacted a lawyer as well, divorce seemed the only way to go, I didn't see any changes in my H, because I was looking for all the wrong he'd do not the positive. He wasn't doing it anymore but I didn't trust myself enough to let myself believe he wasn't. I couldn't hear God talking to me in his still, quiet voice. I couldn't talk to him excpet say WHY?, Why ME? The very selfish question I wanted answered and it would have been easier to get a divorce than to have to work on this marriage. I got the papers (they are still in my safe) but I thought about it, would I EVER trust another man in my future? NO, if my husband could hide all of this from me and I am living with him, anyone else could do the same thing so why go into another relationship without MY WHOLE HEART- it's not fair to the next person. SO I said Lord if this is a clean slate I will do this for You, not me, if it is time just tell me and I'm outta here! He has held my hand every day. And God He is Good!
Prayers to everyone and I pray this helps someone!! Remember even if you can't feel Him or hear Him- He is with you!!!

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

secured
You are so right, it is up to us to forgive, we will not forget.
The trigger issue gets very hard in the summer when it gets warmer out. The clothes these people wear just trigger me as to self worth and I think some times thats just as bad. I know I am the way God made me and He doesn't want to change me- and I thank Him for that! My husband says he loves me just the way I am but...you know what I mean!
God is so wonderful that he will give us the free will to do what we need to do to move on and help our H's and ourselves. I really don't know how people do it without Him.
OH and I love that Hymn, I also attend Contemperory service...and I know what you mean by jazzing it up, isn't it wonderful to have that for us!
Gos is Good!

jlc · Newbie Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 17

It's been quite a while since I've been back here. Things have picked up at work. And honestly, it is sometimes quite difficult to read the posts and continue to feel the hurt of this personal hell we are living in.

Things had been going fairly well over the past several weeks. My wife was beginning to allow me to be close to her, hold her hand in public and kiss her. But, we have had a backslide this week.

We went to a Festivals of Marriage workshop this past weekend. It is put on by LifeWay Ministeries, which I highly recommend. But, it brought up some issues about our marriage that are still lacking. My wife does not feel I will ever be able to give her what she needs in communication and intimacy. She states that conflicts never get resolved and I do not know her well enough or pay enough attention to her to figure out how to resolve conflict with her. These I know are issues I need to get figured out. I have asked her to make a list of areas I need to improve on in our marriage. I feel this will give me specific areas to address with myself, counselor, God and her.

Back to the set back. Over the weekend our kids spent the night at my parents' home. Our daughter shared that our son (4) had seen an inappropriate magazine while he was there. My stated that she has noticed he has taken on a facination with women on TV at times as well. Things got heated when I confessed that I had viewed porn on my step father's computer a few years ago.

She began making statements of how I have continued to be deceitful to her and have lied about this for the past year and a half. Now it is my fault that our son has been exposed to this filth. I have decided to approach my step-father about this issue, but obviously I am quite nervous.

My wife is again contemplating divorce. She assured me that she still has the divorce papers, that she got last year, ready to be signed. I have repented to her for keeping this information from her and expressed my sadness that our son was able to see something inappropriate. We are not sure of the extreme of this mag at this time.

I personally continue to be free of sexual sin, but have obvious need for marital improvement in other important areas. I have expressed to my wife that I am not intersted in divorce and will do whatever I can to make myself a better husband and christian.

We are still looking for a female counselor or someone she can confide in. There may be someone from church, but I'm not sure at this point. She was encouraged to attend Celebrate Recovery meetings at church to have some type of support.

It's still in the air, but I am leaving it up to God. He's in total control, not me, over this marriage. I can only control myself, which I am committed to do.

Thanks for the continued responses and new posts.
God bless all of you.
jlc

jlc · Newbie Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 17

It's been quite a while since I've been back here. Things have picked up at work. And honestly, it is sometimes quite difficult to read the posts and continue to feel the hurt of this personal hell we are living in.

Things had been going fairly well over the past several weeks. My wife was beginning to allow me to be close to her, hold her hand in public and kiss her. But, we have had a backslide this week.

We went to a Festivals of Marriage workshop this past weekend. It is put on by LifeWay Ministeries, which I highly recommend. But, it brought up some issues about our marriage that are still lacking. My wife does not feel I will ever be able to give her what she needs in communication and intimacy. She states that conflicts never get resolved and I do not know her well enough or pay enough attention to her to figure out how to resolve conflict with her. These I know are issues I need to get figured out. I have asked her to make a list of areas I need to improve on in our marriage. I feel this will give me specific areas to address with myself, counselor, God and her.

Back to the set back. Over the weekend our kids spent the night at my parents' home. Our daughter shared that our son (4) had seen an inappropriate magazine while he was there. My stated that she has noticed he has taken on a facination with women on TV at times as well. Things got heated when I confessed that I had viewed porn on my step father's computer a few years ago.

She began making statements of how I have continued to be deceitful to her and have lied about this for the past year and a half. Now it is my fault that our son has been exposed to this filth. I have decided to approach my step-father about this issue, but obviously I am quite nervous.

My wife is again contemplating divorce. She assured me that she still has the divorce papers, that she got last year, ready to be signed. I have repented to her for keeping this information from her and expressed my sadness that our son was able to see something inappropriate. We are not sure of the extreme of this mag at this time.

I personally continue to be free of sexual sin, but have obvious need for marital improvement in other important areas. I have expressed to my wife that I am not intersted in divorce and will do whatever I can to make myself a better husband and christian.

We are still looking for a female counselor or someone she can confide in. There may be someone from church, but I'm not sure at this point. She was encouraged to attend Celebrate Recovery meetings at church to have some type of support.

It's still in the air, but I am leaving it up to God. He's in total control, not me, over this marriage. I can only control myself, which I am committed to do.

Thanks for the continued responses and new posts.
God bless all of you.
jlc

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Triggers will happen for some time that bring all the memories flooding back. Your wives response and over reaction is normal.

Now that your son has seen this information, she only has you to blame.

The sooner (next week) that you can find a female counselor for your wife, the better she will begin to feel. Please be very proactive with this decision - do not delay any longer.

jlc · Newbie Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 17

I'm just writing in an update.

Things are more stable at this time in my marriage. She has still not saught counseling or mentorship, but hopefully that will begin to change. We have decided to give Celebrate Recovery a try together. They are going to start a Men's Purity small group, whick I will attend and she will try the support group for all addictions. Our pastor feels there will be other women there for my wife to relate to. I figure if a small group is being formed for this reason, then there will be more hurting wives coming forward as well.

I have realized, again, that I still display very selfish behaviors towards my wife. I do try to hurry the healing process along at times. And, I continue to need sex quite often. Though, in that area we have agreed that Monday nights will be designated for sex. I just have to remember the rest of the week is off limits unless she initiates it. She is still very disconnected during sex and I know she is only doing it for me, which I appreciate. But, I am definately missing the intimacy and love between us. I really don't like sex just for sex every time. I want more. I want her to be into it and want to explore each other's bodies again. There are so many things that are off limits for me to do or say. I get saddened thinking that I may be years before this happens. I know that I need to change my way of thinking. I am trying to think more of her needs, because this is the very selfish side of me.

This was a BIG issue this week. But after hearing her complaints, concerns and hurts, I have realized that my behavior has not been nurturing for her. So, I will begin to pray that God help me control my desires to allow for more non-sexual intimacy between us.

She actually told me she had fun w/ me the other night while we were grocery shopping (without kids), though I did have to ask her. But I screwed it up by asking for sex a few minutes later. Sad

I continue to have hope that through Christ this marriage will be resurrected.

One other thing I think I'm going to have to work to help control my sexual desire is to quit reading so many forums, articles, etc. that talk about sex (appropriately), intimacy and marriage. Because I become hurt and distraut at the thought that my marriage is not at any area that I can enjoy any of these things, and I don't know when it will happen.

My wife still has not told me she forgives or that she loves me, which continues to hurt deeply. She still has the door open for divorce, which she admitted to me, because it feels like a safety net for her. I still believe she is holding onto her hate, anger, resentment and unforgiveness too strongly. She has suffered from many emotional and physical ailments in the past 1.5 years, after all this began. Some of it is understandable, but I'm afraid she is destroying herself because of it.

I have continued to apologize and repent to her. I do my best to tell her how I feel about her and how attractive she is to me, but she does not accept the words well.

I feel that I am doing many things good for the betterment of our marriage. But I also admit to continuing to be selfish in many ways as well. I continue to work on my sexuality, because it is a huge controlling factor over my life. I continue to stay pure and fight the good fight, but it is more difficult at times than others.

I just realized that this was a bunch of rambling, so I apologize to whomever will read it. Thanks for "listening."

webacus · Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 1:21 pm Post subject:

jlc
I applaud your progress.

Give your wife time; she needs to re-build trust;
she needs space. Don't rush.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Have you had an opportunity to read Power of A Praying Husband or Every Man's Marriage? If not, please consider doing so.

I would imagine your wife would describe intimacy as talking, holding hands and cuddling. It's kind of obvious from your posts that your primary way to feel loved is through sex.

jlc · Newbie Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 17

I have listened to "Every Man's Marriage" on audio. It was good, but again it just saddened me about the sexual stuff. My wife and I did discuss how sex is a major way for me to express love and my feelings towards her. She understands that aspect of me, but she doesn't like it. Obviously.

I will continue to pray for the desires of my heart to change. And I will begin to work even harder to keep my thoughts away from sex. I have not been lusting or fantasizing about others. But, when it comes to her, I still have a so-called "one track mind," which is actually quite bothersome for myself as well. Because it does lead to my own hurt feelings, untapped fantasies with her, and to be honest unneeded horniness. Plus, the fact that all of my personal feelings come against her and caused continued conflict in our relationship.

But I will ramp up my prayers in this area and continue to work on myself. I am trying to find a good hobby to get involved in to help take my mind off of such things. I like fishing, but there is never enough time! Smile

Thanks for your input.

km · Full Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 112

I'm not discounting that you have work to do, but is she committing to being more open to you and your needs (sexually, etc)?

This may not work if the entire exercise is focused on you largely neutering yourself. She may have to learn that men are 'wired' diferently in regards to sexual/emotional needs and there will probably have to be a lot of compromise on the part of both of you (splitting the difference or meeting in the middle, rather than you trying to fully conform yourself to her view of how you ought to be - that later item will not work and set you up for a lifetime of failure).

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

You're right on the button KM - but she has to be willing to participate in a support group and/or mentoring or counseling. Hopefully, another sister in Christ can help her see that compromise is necessary when it comes to meeting the sexual needs of her husband.

The damage caused by pornography is no less damaging that an affair. The process of healing is different for every person. And, the thoughts, words or actions that tell her she needs to hurry-it-up or get-over-it will not win her heart back.

JLC - you haven't really mentioned what you feel is necessary for you to feel fulfilled. If you were to say daily or even every other day, then your intimacy can become mechanical and self-fulfilling rather than other-giving. If your only focus of being intimate with your wife is sexual intimacy, then she will never feel that you are working on the other intimacies that need to be developed in your marriage.

If you're wondering what other intimacies there are besides sex Very Happy

let me help you out -

Spiritual
Emotional
Work
Intellectual
Crisis
Common-Cause
Recreational
Aesthetic
Creative

I am really praying for you that this Celebrate Recovery group will provide you with new tools for dealing with this situation.

jlc · Newbie Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 17

Thanks for the replies. She definately needs christian fellowship, counseling, etc. That continues to be a work in progress and hopefull the C.R. will help.

Frequency for me absolutely needs to be more than once per week. 2-3 would be best, but I'm learning to deal with it for now. She has read several books and does understand the differences between men and women, but at this time she doesn't really care! I understand, but it's still hard at times.

I know that I have a very selfish nature, which is constantly a source of conflict between us and within myself. I apologized to her several times this weekend, including on Father's Day because of selfish thoughts I had (not sexual) about our plans. I prayed w/ her today over the phone about God helping with my selfish nature today.

Also, tonight is Monday Smile

. So I prayed about that with her as well. I asked her to try to have some possitive thoughts about our evening, but I know it's nearly impossible for her to do. I just which our times together would be more mutual and fulfilling for both of us. It is pretty mechanical and unemotional for us, even being only once per week.

I know things will slowly change, but I also know that won't happen until she forgives me and begins to express love towards me again. This battle front has been going on since I started getting clean in January 2007. I have been able to gain some victory in one battle area (porn and lust), though I do continue to battle the selfishness area. But it feels as though I've been thrust into another battle trying to win her forgiveness and living in a rough relationship with my wife. It is quite like walking on egg shells at times. At one point our counselor (when we were going) stated to me privately that he has not experienced a wife so unforgiving as mine if the husband has been doing well and actually wants to be free from this particular sin.

I've asked her on a few occasions whether she would be upset and hurt if I died and she never told me she forgave me and loved me again. I don't remember her exact answer, but I wasn't encouraged. My 6 yo daughter asked a question a few months back, when my wife was out of town, that why did I love mommy even if she didn't love me. This was after reading a small note I left for my wife and she had left it on the bathroom mirror where I placed it. My daughter also asked why parents break up and if we would ever. This was actually yesterday on the way to church.

Some of the aspects of my marriage are very difficult to handle sometimes. But I know that God will bless me for my persistence and doing what is right in his eyes. So, I keep going. I'm not trying to get pity from anyone. I know I done great harm in my marriage and have not lived my life right in the area of lust and fantasy from an early age till about a year and a half ago. It's still hard though. I've never physically cheated on her and I have never come close to doing so, physically. Unfortunately, I was never mature enough to control my thought life in the past. Plus, I had a lot of unreallistic expectations for marriage (i.e. no fighting, unlimited sex, fun all the time, etc.). It probably didn't help that my wife was the only serious relationship I've ever been in. We were instantly best friends and it just progressed from there. Then, when reality sat in I was too immature to know how to react. I medicated with porn, lust and masturbation (which the latter really did turn into an addiction of it's own, which has actually been more difficult to master than the other two.) But I've had to learn to do better in that area as well. I found out how much that hurt her as well. But porn and mast. became a medication for me and I could indulge in it without hurt feelings and rejection.

Now, I'm happy to say that I'm becoming more mature in most of these areas. Though, I realize that selfishness in other areas is still harmful to marriage.

We've both had things go on in our pasts. We've both had premarital sex with each other, but also a couple of previous partners. I was not brought up in a Christian home and she did some rebelling from her upbringing. sometimes I feel that she's forgotten how much she has been forgiven for by God and it's his command that we do the same for others. But that's only my opinion.

Thanks again for "listening."

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

You have no idea how long this is going to take. Of what I heard it can take as long as the infidelity has been going on (cheating, porn & M).
Reading about your son finding the mag, seens interesting, about 5 years ago I found porn on my computer than caught my son looking at it, reemed him a new one only to find out it was on there from my H, and my son found it in history...nice? So to be frank, it not only effects one person or two people, it effects every single person in the family, extended family, friends or even total strangers. Because we as wives will never trust anyone again, we look at most men with disgust.
Personaly my H told me 2 years ago and swore to be clean this whole time, still didn't trust him as far as I could throw him, until 2 weeks ago, I caught him! We ARE done, and I with your wife...still have the divorce papers from 2 years ago that I never signed or filed...
I pray you and your wife can get the proper treatment needed, and the nasty beast of lust will be gone...it's not going to be easy..

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

wifeandmother,
I know how upset you must be, but please don't give up. This is an addiction. It is a powerful struggle, and it isn't against flesh and blood

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