PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST OPINION!

Empty Shell of a Man · Newbie Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 24

[quote="rdsmith3"][quote]I have found posting here helps. Most of the time, I don't get a response, but that is okay[/quote]

There are people listening and praying for you. Unfortunately, I do not often know what to say or how to respond to your suffering, but I am certainly here to listen.[/quote]

that was such a kind response...it touched me deeply.

Empty Shell of a Man · Newbie Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 24

I have some good news to report and share with those who have been praying for me. (It may also be of value to someone thinking of going to the doctor about the depression).

My wife has been wonderful the past 4 months. For me, not a single day where I did not cry, and to be frank, I seem to be getting worse. Nightmares, bad dreams, racing heart, etc, all speak of hormonal rushes that are very unhealthy. Depression, hypervigilance, hopelessness, etc....Some days are not so bad, other days I think that the only way to end the pain is to kill myself. As a Christian, I simply cannnot.

My wife was so strange during the 4 month emotinal affair. She was like a zombie. she never cried, rarely laughed, and was so "gone" that when I tried to talk to her, it got me no where. It is so hard, in words, to tell you how close we have been since day 1 but, perhaps this will help: 4 months after admitting to meeting him, hugging him, sending e-mails, I am still in almost complete disbelief that it happened. It is SO not her personality to be close to a stranger.

After being raped at 16, she went through all sorts of terrible self destruction; up to salvation.

anway, last April, in her job, she had to interrogate a rapist. It scared her to no end and instead of talking about it, she went into a bad depression....she went to the doctors and started ****. By June, she was a zombie. She was not herself. She is so honest that it can be almost painful to hear, but during this time, she lied with impunity.

I look back now, and when she confessed her sin, she IMMEDIATELY stopped the ****, and within a few weeks, was like herself, except now, with such guilt, that she wanted to harm herself.

I am going to read up more on ****, including **** Nation, but here it is...

She has been saying all along that it was "not me", and really felt that it was the ****. Except, I thought she started the **** in the summer and never checked with the doctor. In fact, I didn't want to know because if it turned out that the affair started before the meds, it was not the meds. She said she knew she was on them first and felt like a zombie. She said to look at the evidence: we weren't fighting, we were gettting along wonderfully and she tailspinned into depression after that rapist encounter. She said that in the 4 months she was involved, she would only speak to him every 3 or 4 days, or not respond to his e-mail for 3 or 4 days and in 4 months, she had only seen him twice, never kissed and that he embraced her and she just stood there, still, but not scared as I would have guess, just there.

He was cold, nasty, and disliked by the community. He disapproves of everyone and everything. He is the "reincarnation" of her father, and it was the same self-punishment pattern that plagued her before she was converted.

On Wednesday, she called the doctor and sure enough, she had started the **** about 6 weeks before this thing happened. Even the kids, during the summer, would ask what was wrong with her. It was scary because she was there, right in the living room, holding my hand, but she was not there. She delighted in nothing. It completely stopped all her tears, but she could not feel ANYTHING.

I have always enjoyed trying to learn why God does things, and why He allows things to happen. I think it is holy speculation and NOT demanding an answer. She belives that she was allowed to be raped and to suffer beause without, she would be like those around her, highly intellectual, snobbish, probably with money, and in NO NEED of a savior, rather than someone broken, who recognized that she needed the Physician. She has even thanked God for all things, including her suffering, which prepared her for Christ.

For me, I could not DAY AFTER DAY figure out WHY this happened. What did I do? After 4 months of asking, she never backed away from her answer, which was: nothing. you were a good and loving husband. this is my sin.

I have never accepted that. I have never lost my temper with her because she is so loving, but I do treat her the way I would like to be treated....this relationship has ALWAYS been so easy.....always, except for the 4 months in the Summertime, June, July, Aug, and into September, when she pursued someone else besides me, with absolutely no gusto or real interest, nor any reason why.

She has been off **** for 4 months and BEGS people that she meets to NEVER go on that drug.

Well, I learned this all on Wednesday.

2 days with no nightmares. Only some tears of relief. My heart rate when she calls comes down quickly (it would often rise and stay up for an hour). No thoughts of suicide for 2 days. A returning interest in life again.

Funny, but I play chess. On my computer, I am able to beat a certain level EVERY OTHER game. I have played it over and over and have not won a SINGLE game since she told me, in September.

Wednesday night, I was able to maintain enough concentration to win for the first time.

I think my life is starting to come back to me.

Maybe I won't need the name, "Empty Shell of a Man" for much longer.

But, it is a "same old" lesson:

if we knew that God had relief in sight, would we have so pitied ourselves....?

My relief has arrived and it is still happening. I hurt, but the sting is so much the less....2 nights of sleeping! no crying, no twitching of arms and legs or eyelids....no rapid heart rate, or shortness of breath, or chest pains.

thank God.

thank you for praying for this stranger. One day, we will know.

Empty Shell of a Man · Newbie Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 24

6 month update from the Empty Shell of a Man.

Things have improved, but I still suffer from nightmares. I had gone about 2 months with the inability to cry. Seems like the tear ducts were completely dried out. They are working again, but mostly, it is like dry-crying.

Nights are bad. Nightmares and bad dreams plague me. She cannot handle me talking about it anymore. How many times can I say "why?? Why would you do this to me, your best friend?". Her answer has never strayed since getting off ****: "It wasn't me. I don't know. It was an attack. I was numb and wanted to punish myself". Her memory of that emotional affair has faded, which I am glad for her.

Mine has not.

I have done some weird things.

I have always had confidence, after a rocky and abusive childhood. Pulled myself up by my bootstraps and was always not a bad looking guy. Always put wife and children first; never spent a penny on clothing (1 suit for church, bare minimum for work clothes and a good pair of athletic shoes).

for the first time in my life, I have spent money on clothes and shoes FOR MYSELF. Good stuff; not cheap stuff. Overspent.

Such insecurities and low self-esteem since the emotional affair. I sometimes have trouble recognizing myself. She thinks I am worth the clothing and that I feel that I am worth something to someone (her) which is why I have a new, first time in my life interest in looking nice. That is partially true, but I cannot get out of my head one thing:

She complimented him on his clothing.

That made me go out and buy clothing (sounds like an excuse, I know...) and I really overspent. Real shoes (not made in china), sports coats, shirts, pants......I am really good at getting bargains, but it was still way out of the norm for me.

Of course, I still buy her clothing, jewelry, etc. I bought her a beautiful Irish claddaugh ring, white gold, upon her repentance. I wanted to exhibit God's grace and imitate Him; like the prodigal, who came home and it was celebrated with blessings.

I find some amazing new bargains on ebay for her----cashmere and other nice things.

I have stopped buying for myself and will dig out of the small debt mound that I built, but will always put her first (and the kids). I just wanted to share that in case anyone else felt like trash, and began to lose weight, buy clothes (probably more women than men). It is not a mid life crisis because this whole thing is a crisis and I am not in the hunt for a new wife.

I still feel that my foundation is shot.

She says she still wants me to talk, but when I tell her how plagued I am she feels like cutting herself and hates herself. I love her too much for that.

I guess this is my only outlet.

Thank you for prayers.

I wish that 6 months after she (and I) ended her 4 month emotional affair (believe me, the hand holding and the hugging still hurts me so badly I can hardly think straight), and 6 months of her being back to her old lovely self (off that med!), I still ache.

I still ask, "why?".

I still feel that I will never truly let my guard down with her again. I feel like my best friend is still my best friend, but I have doubts about it.

She quietly asks me..."how much longer will you hurt?". At night, she tries to comfort me. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep.

Last night: 3 bad dreams. Imagine 3 horrors in one night? One was about the affair.

i replay it often in my mind and still, to this day, have so many unanswered questions.....but mostly, for 2 people getting along so well, a wife being treated with the upmost respect and love; giving her the things (emotional, physical, material) that she never had.....

a few weeks on **** and she goes completely numb and starts e-mailing someone she worked with?

She wants to stay home full time, which I want to. We are not even close to affording it yet. If I could get out of this horrid adjustable mortgage and...

well, you know what I mean.

thanks for letting this Empty Shell of a Man vent. I am healing, but slowly.

I do not know, for certain, if I will ever trust again and I got to tell you: it is really a most unpleasant thing for a man who LONGED for someone who's heart could completely rest in.....that woman that the Bible describes....that wonderful loyalty that rises above everything; forsaking all others, mentally, physically, emotionally....

Christ loving only His church. His church only lovng Christ. No other gods.

May some of you who read this find that wonderful mate and never experience this pain.

Others who have: may you be healed in His perfect time. I wait upon Him.

Empty Shell of a Man · Newbie Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 24

Finally moving into Spring.

Her emotional affair started in June. Finally warm weather has hit my area and it hurts....it hurts knowing that for 4 months, the woman I adored, loved, sacrificed daily for, treated with affection and respect....treated the way I would want to be treated...

sent e-mails, love notes, baked cookies, and snuck around for long hugs.

I still feel awful. I feel empty. I have no one to talk to, as no matter how much she wants me to talk to her, it tears her up. It is like her repetance means zip because I keep bringing back the reminder.

Yet, I cry at night. I feel alone.

Even times when I delight in her are followed by times where I want to kick myself and say "What are you crazy? DO NOT love her this way! You are only climbing higher and your fall will be worse! You wanted to off yourself the first time, what are you doing delighting in her and setting yourself up for another fall?"

even though she has done nothing to indicate that she is going to hurt me again.

infidelity is the most painful thing in the world. Many days I wish I had never been born. Many days I can thank God for her, other days I wish I had never met her.

The pain goes on and on.

One question plagues me, perhaps offending women can answer this:

It is said that when a woman cheats on her husband, no matter what else happens, she can never truly respect him again.

Is this so?

Can she love him, but has the respect been killed?

I am praying about this. If it shows itself true, I am gone. Not in a wim. But with much prayer and thought. No man can live with a woman who does not respect him; in the same manner no woman can survive living with a man who does not love and adorn her, from within and without.

Too bad that I adore her. Too bad that I now look at her, and marvel, over the person that she has become in 4 years of love.

4 years ago, she looked lost, underweight, distrustful, and dressed that way. Now, her countenance is one of love, her weight is healthy, she dresses in beautiful clothes which makes her feel modest, loved, and valued. She thanks me for making her so highly valued.

Can she still do the same for me?

I don't know.

Any offending women have an answer to this? Can you ever truly respect your husband after going out on him?

Please be honest and not weigh in just because of my consequences.

Empty Shell of a Man · Newbie Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 24

May 2008 update.

It has been 11 months since the non-intercourse affair started. It started in June and died in September. In September, my wife came to me to confess, as the guilt was killing her.

As many of you know, the devastation was unbearable. I still have trouble believing it happened. Why? Because at the time, I thought we were not just doing well, but WONDERFULLY! She was my best friend and after years and years of believing that if I had a Christian wife, I could actually treat her the way I had read about in all those books...I could have it all.

So, I did. She loved me and I treated her like I wanted to be treated. I trusted her with every hurt from my life and she was wonderful.

Then, through a tough time at work, she was made to face her past: a terrible rape (as well as an abusive childhood). The doctor put her on medication, which I cannot mention here because the moderators delete it. It stopped her from crying, but she talked about feeling "nothing". Like a zombie.

She met him through work. She e-mailed and met with him. Held hands, hugged and kept this going, about 1 or 2 times per week, for 4 months. She said that she was back in her old pattern, before Christ, where she would seek to destroy herself, out of guilt of molestation and rape. Her father had always reiterated what a loser she was. Under my love, she had grown so much that she would accept a compliment, look in the mirror (she HATED all mirors) and even love me without the lights turned off. This was GREAT progress in just a few short years.

She describes feeling like a bug towards a zap light. Before me and before Christ, she had bad relationships, substance abuse, and an eating disorder: all to destroy herself. When I met her, she came IMMEDIATELY and joyfully to Christ, glad to be free from the guilt of sin. She never even owned a single piece of jewelry or a dress. I delighted in getting her things.

She loved my children and treated my unbelieving ex wife with Christian love; even having this woman to our home for holidays. The kids adore her. Even the ex likes her! She is beautiful inside and outside. We do EVERYTHING together and life is like walking on a cloud; day in and day out, in spite of an ex who, with mental health issues, causes trouble for the kids; and other stresses in life (mortgage, job.....same as all of you).

She had to work with a rapist and he brought back all the shame of her past. She stopped talking so much to me, but I thought it was just the busy work schedule.

She began to see this man. He was not good looking, nor had a good personality, but was a very condemning type of man; no friends because no one is good enough. Very disapproving JUST LIKE HER FATHER. Not a Christian.

Anyway, she came off the meds and within 2 weeks, was her normal, intelligent, loving self.

I was left reeling and empty.

Her repentance is genuine and has done everything you could possilby ask of a person. PAtient with me; 7 months of tears, bad dreams, and even nightmares.

But just this week she said something to me:

She said this:

Since you have know me (4 years, married 3 this summer), I have never buckled under stress, nor done anything self-destructive because of stress. If you subtract 4 months of my life on that medication, have I ever flirted with a man, or taken drugs, or abused myself, or done anything that you were ashamed of?

The truth is this: take away these 4 months and you have the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent growing Christian woman that you could ever meet.

This really helped me.

I am crying as I write this.

I think about her holding his hand. I think about her allowing him to hug her (he asked).
She says that when she was hugged, she was uncomfortable and thought of me, but had no emotions. She said that in spite of contacting him, she was numb, never looked forward to their secret meetings, never had that racing heart feeling and always felt shame, but destined to fulfill her father's prediction that she would amount to nothing. (parents are not Christian).

My bad dreams continue. My heart hurts.

I am starting to feel some of my personality come back....just a little confidence. I am a decent looking man, but 13 years older than her. She also looks 10 years younger than she is. The man she cheated on with me is unfortunate looking, basically, but he is also 10 years younger than me, makes more money, has no kids, his own home, and offered a much less stressful life. I feel inadequate.

I have spent a lot of money buying clothes for myself. My entire adult life, I had one suit, a few jeans, and cheap work clothes; nothing else. I was always confident, but this destroyed my confidence.

Thanks for listening folks. Thank you for your prayers.

No, we never went to counseling. We are in a small small community and because of our jobs, know every counselor within driving range. THEY all talk when they should not. My wife desperately does not want to go. She feels pummelled by her own conscience and swears that there is nothing that I need to change in order to avoid this again. She said that she will never accept an anti depressant, no matter what, and will just go walking, pray, and do what it takes to release endorphins. (Please, if meds work for you, do NOT take this as advice; this is just my wife's reaction to meds: they have never worked for her. If they work for you, and God is blessing you, GREAT! I do not judge you, but am glad you are feeling better! If God provides aspirin that works, than praise Him for it. If it is an AD, then fine! I am not hyper-spiritual and against meds; this is a particular case, which is why I respect the mods deleting the name of the medication).

Can any women comment on this case? I know the men's point of view, but women, honestly, do you lose respect for a man when you cheat on him?

I read somewhere, and then later saw it on an old movie from the '40's, that when a woman cheats on a man, and he takes her back, she never truly is able to respect him.

I am so frightened that that is the case, and that I make it worse with my nightly tears, bad dreams, and sleeplessnes.

In 8 months, I have slept through the night just once: this week when she made that point about her behavior under stress for 4 years. That night, I made it for 7 hours without waking up.

I am under a doctor's care, and slowly improving.

Who ever knew that adultery was so painful? Really. I have even met with families devastated by it, and saw its power up front, but it is not the same until you are a victim of betrayal. I love her so much, yet am so sad sometimes that she did this to me.

God help me.

At least I no longer wish to die.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 102

So good to hear from you ESoaM,

I'm afraid I can't help you as I too have been betrayed, by my husband. Honestly, though, I don't feel from what you say about your wife, that she lacks respect for you. If she didn't respect you, she wouldn't care about how you are feeling and what this has done to you. She would be, in my opinion, very negative toward you. Is she downing you in any way? I can't truthfully say what is going on in her heart but you can know by her actions how she feels for you. Loving means respect. Caring means respect. I, too, have wondered if I forgave my husband for everything he has done to me and our marriage (at least 8 physical affairs in the first 6 years of our marriage, adult porn houses, porn on the internet the rest of the 20 years), would he respect me? The answer is yes. He shows me everyday that I mean so much to him. He is cherishing me like I deserve. He does not see me as a weak vessel. In fact, he sees me as a strong woman, who is leaning only on God for my support. He is in awe of the fact that even though I am living through one of the most desvastating times in my life, I am with God's help, still standing amidst the rubble. You cannot tell me that if your spouse loves you that she would not also respect you for standing by her still. In my opinion love and respect go hand in hand.

I will pray that you get peace of mind about this. Remember it is a daily choice if we go forward or backward.

-RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 60

Dear Empty, Below I have written something written by Martin Luther (the German) that helps me start and end my days. I know your feeling of an aching heart, and you have my prayers.

"From the bottom of my heart I am against those worring cares which are taking the heart out of you. Why make God a liar in not believing His promises, when He commands us to be of good cheer and cast all our care upon Him, for He will sustain us?

Do you think He throws such words to the winds? What more can the devil do than slay us? Christ died for sin once for all, but for righteousness and truth He will not die, but live and reign. Why then worry, seeing He is at the helm? He who has been our Father will also be the Father of our children. As for me (whether it proceed from God's Spirit or from stupidity, my Lord Jesus knows), I do not torment myself about such matters."

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 84

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