Is what we're doing in the bedroom wrong

dustildawn

Lately, my husband has wanted to try new things. I agree because I really want to please him. After the birth of my last child, my body has changed. I gained some weight and I am extremely insecure about it. So I am willing to try new things because I'm afraid he doesn't find me attractive anymore. Anyway, my husband wanted to try anal sex. I agreed and he seemed to love it, but it made me feel even more insecure, like vaginal intercourse wasn't satisfying enough. I also wonder if God would approve. Is this perversion? I really feel inadequate and depressed now. I hope someone can give me some insight on this. Is it wrong? I know sodomy is an abomination to God, but does that only mean in homosexuality?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

This is a huge issue with many Christian couples - so here goes:

1 Corinthians 10:23
"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive.

If there is shame, guilt or pain then anal sex is not constructive or beneficial to the marriage bed. Some couples do enjoy anal stimulation, but not necessarily penetration. There needs to be very honest and open discussion about this and it should not be sprung on you in the heat of the moment. Loving consideration, comfort, gentleness and grace - nothing that is forced. And, it if still makes you uncomfortable, the subject needs to be set aside for awhile - no begging, pleading, guilt or shame should be laid on your marriage bed.

Here's a great response I saw awhile back from Michael Smalley's blog:

The attitude of something being "dirty" is the very attitude I don’t like within the Christian community. It feels like few people want to have a healthy and honoring discussion about these issues.

So here we go again:

The Bible says, "To the pure, all things are pure." (Titus 1:15) The Lord created your body, and no part of it is imperfect or unclean. God also created our bodies for pleasure, and anal sex is just one of the many ways, including standard sexual intercourse, that we can enjoy this pleasure and share it with our spouse.

Although the anus is used for elimination, in reality it is not as dirty as you think, especially after a shower or bath. Elimination is also a natural process of our God-given bodies, so our conception of the anal area as dirty has more to do with our own psychological hang-ups. If the idea of direct contact with this area is still distasteful to you, the male can wear a condom as a barrier.

Here's a great article that I came across in Growthtrac that you might enjoy reading.

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/what-is-not-okay-in-bed-673.php

km · Full Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 112

A general thought to apply to anything "different" he wants to try: it just means he wants to try something different - or something more.

Men like to try things that are different or beyond what they've done before. It is one of the ways that we are wired.

It doesn't mean that there was anything less than satisfactory about anything that's been done before. It might even mean that everything else is very good (so good that he wants to take things farther).

stella · Newbie Joined: 03 May 2008 Posts: 2

This is sodomy-- condemned by the Bible and VERY unhealthy for you. Research all of the health problems associated with this and you'll never let your husband do this to you again. It makes me so sad that a husband would request this of his wife.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Can you tell me what scripture condemns this between a married couple?

In a healthy marriage, isn't it at the discretion of the couple especially if done with care, cleanliness and precaution?

veggiemelt · Newbie Joined: 10 Aug 2008 Posts: 11

Anal sex between married people is not a sin, and it is not the biblical meaning of sodomy. Nor is any other type of stimulation or stimulation wrong in a marriage. If you don't want to do it because it is painful or just not appealing, then giving in once was probably enough to show that you are open to pleasing him and that you trust him. But, if you refuse because you feel it is biblically wrong, then you have been mislead by some standards imposed on us by society. God's word in marriage gives us the freedom to express our love in any way we choose. I say love, because anything done
with love and respect for yourself and your partner is not going to be harmful to either of you.

km · Full Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 112

This particular act maybe one for which the "jury is still out" - it is not clear cut proscribed within the confines of husband/wife relations (where anything not painful, dangerous or emotionally abusive goes if both are willing), but it may be such (health concerns are not clearly misplaced on this one) that it might be one of those things that can't be sufficiently hygenically done as to avoid some level of health risk. This one will probably remain in the 'gray area' for a while. If one is going to engage, one must be hyper sensitive to sanitary concerns (and few people are, in practice, sufficiently fastidious in this particular act).

veggiemelt · Newbie Joined: 10 Aug 2008 Posts: 11

I didn't say I thought it was healthy, I just said that God placed no barriers on intimacy in the marriage bed. He allowed the descression to come from the relationship rather then to set a bunch of do's and don'ts out there.
My mother's generation suffered a great disservice is that many people were led to believe that certain types of stimulation were dirty and sinful. These notions invoked a whole generation of marriages with really boring sex lives.
Setting any kind of boundries in the bedroom, other then those that are specifically spelled out - adultry, lust, homosexuality, and third parties, is simply against God's will. He intended for us to fully explore one another and to enjoy it. The extent of that exploration belongs to the couple and not to the church. Like I said before, anything done in love and respect. If something causes pain, then it isn't done in love. Some people find anal sex pleasurable, others find it painful. It isn't for us to decide or judge the intimate acts of another. When God said no boundries, he meant no boundries.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

This topic has come up before on the boards. I agree, there are no boundaries from God when it comes to sexual intimacy in marriage.

Caution, gentleness and cleanliness are a must. Condoms will help and should be removed, not to be reused vaginally. Extra lubrication is necesssary.

This is very scary territory for many women and can bring high anxiety and shame into the bedroom. It has to be approached with great care. But, it can also bring great pleasure to a couple.

I think what husbands do not understand is, this can appear to be a very selfish act - with little to no kissing or hugging. It can become an exercise in self-gratification. Pleading and begging, guilt and shame can quickly enter the marriage bed. When it is repeatedly asked for, intimacy can diminish. Wives need to see their husband's face - their eyes and their expressions for reassurance of their pleasure and love for them.

veggiemelt · Newbie Joined: 10 Aug 2008 Posts: 11

I think men just want a little variety, which can include things like this that seem a little - well, extreme. I think sometimes, once or maybe only on rare occasions, is enough for most men when it comes to things that are pushing the envelope.
I think men are tempted much less by outside stimulation when we as wives show our willingness to let them step out of the box once in a while. As a rule, I think men like consistancy because what they know is comforting and there aren't alot of extra performance issues or pressure.

But when they are troubled or stressed, maybe in another part of their lives even, men need something more out of sex and we need to be willing and enthusiastic in fulfilling that need. Sometimes our job is to help them forget their problems. God gave women really good imaginations
and the power of seduction for a reason. It is meant to be a gift to your husband in helping him deal with the burdens he shoulders in life.

If the idea of anal stimulation or penetration is beyond your comfort zone, they try playing dress up or something. But don't make him believe that anything he wants is perverted or weird unless it truly is. Give the poor guy a break and indulge his curiosity. If it becomes an obsession, then maybe there is something else that is causing him to act out. Sex is an emotional outlet to men, abusing it is usually just a way of escape from the real problem. But experimentation and variety is totally within the bounds of God's plan and he is thrilled when we use it to strengthen our marriage.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

veggiemelt

That is a great post!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I agree - thank you Veggiemelt for handling a delicate topic so very well.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

There is so much I would like to say on this subject but do not feel comfortable in doing so.
I would just like to say "Ladies everything in the world is not our fault"
My husband broke his vows to me because he wanted to. He had been spending time with this woman while I was working. She had nothing to offer that I did not offer better. satan went fishing for him and cast the bait in front of him, he was not hungry for this bait but it kept calling him, he didn't know the hook was there until he swallowed it.
He thought I can just play with this fire and not get burned. If my wife finds out I'll just cry and beg forgiveness and give up this sin. It didn't happen that way.
First the spending time, then drinking together, then sex with each other. Looking back I see what happened. When I first found out he told me how sick it had made him the first time they had sex. But did he turn his back on the sin, no. He kept going to see her so the next time he was drunk and had sex with her it was easier. Each time it got easier and easier until satans hook was secured tight. He then decided he was in love. He had to have this woman the woman that was satans bait. satan doesn't want him to be happy, satan wants him in Hell.
Next there was another man involved. She had been seeing them both. Having sex with both of them maybe with more than the two of them. I know this because when I found out I went to the doctor to be tested for STD's and had one that only women get, men can pass it to another woman but they don't get the STD. The thing that caused this STD was having sex with multiple partners at one time. I had never heard of it before. Anyway this other man called my husband and told him to leave her alone this bait of satan. My husband then had to prove he was the better man and take her for his own. He moved her into our first house where we had started our marriage. Leaving me with the new house. He had to have her no matter what it took. He came and ask me for a divorce. Within two months he had lost his job, in another two months he was home again because he had to have surgery and she did not want to take care of him. after the surgery and him doing well she got out of a place to stay so he was in love with satans bait so he had to go to the rescue. He was drunk again packing his things to go when I got home from work. I begged and cried but the bait needed him and he went. He called me the next day and said if he had not been drinking he would never have done it. He stayed gone about two weeks things were not the same with them. She decided to leave and go to another state. She did he came back home. Without a job with bills he didn't have the money to pay. satan was not going to let him get away. I went and begged till I got his job back for him. Then suddenly the bait missed him and loved him, she wanted to come back to him. But wait she wanted everything of his in the house they were living in. He emptied our home even taking pictures off the wall to fix the house perfect for satans bait. I helped him move the things. He was my husband the love of my life. The man God gave me for better or worse. She was on an extended vacation taking naps and partying. I was working all day helping him set up our honeymoon house for another woman(the bait satan cast out for him) and at night staying with his mother who was dying of cancer. The bait came back to town on the twenty-fifth of February. About ten thirty at night on the twenty-sixth I called my husband and begged him to come to be with his mother. I knew and I told him she would not make it through the night. He couldn't leave the bait not even for his dying mother and he had always been a mother's boy. He just told me to keep him posted. I sat next to his mother's bed, his Dad asleep on a cot across the room. She never woke up. At about two thirty the next morning the labored breathing stopped she was gone. When I turned on a small lamp to make sure his father woke up. Coming to her bedside to help me give her the medicine he thought I was going to give her. I had to tell him. I called my husband and gave him the update he had ask me to call him with. It took him about three hours to make the thirty minute trip. He still couldn't stand to leave the bait. Later in the morning after the arrangements for the funeral was made he took off they were delivering the stove and refridgerator for their house. When he got there they were waiting for him she was asleep in the bed, after the men had gone he woke her up to show her what he had bought, she'd see later she was still sleepy.
The next night he came to his mother's final visitation. The bait would not come with him though I found out later he had begged her to. Because he was there she got mad and left. The morning of his mother's funeral he was out trying to find her. He did make it to the funeral but left as soon as it was over, she called about that time. He went to get her.
This bait that satan had cast out for my husband made him into less than he had ever been. She would leave, comeback and leave again, dragging him further and further down every time.
On June 26th she left while he was working. He found her and went and got her taking her back to the house, she would not stay, she left again only to have her sister call him that night to come and get them both they were being thrown out of the place they were staying. Two days later the two of them left while he was working and he hasn't seen them since. He did talk to her a couple of times on the phone in the beginning and then he called and a man answered. She had left the state again and was living with a man. He still called and begged her to come back leaving voice mails for her till the other man tore up her phone and he could not call anymore. Then he started calling her sister and she would talk to him sometimes but mostly not. She confirmed the bait was living with another man. It made my husband no difference he continued to call and beg leaving messages on the sisters phone. Then he found out she was back in town, she had her phone back. He started calling and begging her again. She finally called and left a message for him on his phone. She is with the same man she was with when they first started up. Still he begged.
Then he wanted to hurt her as she had hurt him, at least he wanted to satans bait does not care, never did. He started up with different women. He called one of them one night and she was busy so he went out drinking. It had been nine years since he had even had a ticket, but it was a DWI. He had never even had a parking ticket. Till that night DWI second offence. He lost his job again because of it. In all likelyhood will lose everything we worked for. Only God knows the outcome. I go to work everyday, when I'm home I spend allot of my time praying. I love my husband. God put this love in my heart after all these things I have no love left so it has to be God's love. If she came back today would he still receive her back with open arms. I don't know.
I do know and am certain none of this was because I would have ever refused my husband anything.
satan is out to kill and destroy. There is no sin that we can be tempted with that God will not give us a way of escape.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. You are an amazing woman who has been filled with the grace of God. You and your husband are in my prayers.

No one is immune from the temptation of infidelity - no one.

Do not be puffed up with pride that it "will never happen to me."
When you least expect it, the bait will be laid out before you.

When we make a choice to take the bait, knowing full well the path we are headed down, it seems the spouse is the easy one to blame. However, the finger needs to be pointed right back at ourselves.

It is a choice. To sin or not to sin.

km · Full Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 112

veggiemelt - an attitude like yours would help keep a lot of men from looking elsewhere (granted, not all by any means - but it would certainly make it clear that she did everything within reason to keep from even a plausible excuse for his own failing)

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