Torn about decision to send teen away

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

My teen is just out of control with her rage and hostility towards me. We have been to several counselors and attempted family counseling. I say attempted because my H terminated himself from the family sessions in front of our daughter.

Since then (6 weeks ago) she has escalated her behavior by getting suspended from school, hitting me and speaking inappropriately to me.

She finally spoke to me last night after I told her dad to speak with her.

There is a Christian residential program in TN that I would like to send her to. The program is approx 6 months long if she chooses to stay.

I want her to go but I feel guilty at the thought of sending her away.

She has two parents that are messed up and I'm afraid if I don't do something she will become suicidal. Her dad and I are not getting along in the home and we have been told by 3 of our daughteres counselors that we need to get help ourselves before we can help her. I am willing but my H is not.

Each counselor thinks they can win him over, however as soon as they step on his toes, he terminates himself from the session. Now my daughter doesn't want to go to counseling due to that and b/c one of her counselors betrayed her trust.

Anyone had this delima before?

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Where do you feel your daughter will get the best care that she needs for healing? I think once you can determine that, you will have peace about your decision.

The teen years are very diffucult and having both parents healthly and whole and on the same page is necessary. When you are in a place of having to handle her on your own, you need all the help you can get.

Something to consider, would she be able to walk away from this facility or would your husband be able to sign her out without your authorization?

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

My husband and my relationship is not healthy. He just moved back home after 5 weeks of leaving us but we sleep in separate rooms and each time I speak about what our daughter needs he has to run it by his married female friend. So he sent her the email that I sent him about the facility and she replied, "She needs help, not your daughter." So now he does not agree with sending her to this Christian facility.

I am 100% sure I want her to go but he has more influence over her at this time.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

Also she is in 10th grade and has a part-time job. He says she just started working. I say so what she can work anytime. Right now with unhealthy parents and clergy abuse in the last 6 months, she NEEDS help. The trial will be in the next 6 months for her abuser and I want her to be healthy to stand trial.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

After reading your other posts, I thought you had decided your husband was not coming back home until he agreed to counseling?

He's forwarding information to another woman to get her opinion?

This situation needs to change drastically if the two of you are going to be able to help your daugher.

Oh, my. I will continue to lift your family up in prayer.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

I did say he could nto come back, however he chose to come back as he said its his house as well and by law I can not keep him from the house unless we were in a divorce proceeding.

Yes he is forwarding her my emails that I send to him. I only send emails regarding our daughter or financials.

He is still trying to cover up his sins. He told me he will not seek counseling or go to any retreat of any kind. I'm sure he discussed it with her before coming home. They can't talk that much since her husband is back in town.

I thought we could at least agree on what our daughter need. However the OW is trying to make me out to be a crazy women and he is allowing her to talk about me like that. He does not know I know about the emails.

I am in counseling for myself. Trying to get my daughter back in counseling but he is against her getting counseling b/c he has a negative view of counseling.

This should be considered child abuse!

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Ladyt

This is a very complex situation, and it is difficult for anyone here to give you advice that is specific for your situation because we do not know all the facts and issues. You should give this important decision a lot of prayer and thought.

I actually did send my son to a residential program for a year. It was a very difficult situation, but his behaviors left me no choice. I wanted him to get help, but I also had to protect my wife (his step-mother) and the other (younger) children. So there were several reasons for doing it. We prayed a lot about it, and I was eventually at peace that it was God's will. It was not a Christian program. Our first choice (Christian program) did not have any space available. In our part of the country (NJ) there are very few, if any, residential programs, and the place I sent him to was 300 miles away.

In hindsight, with him out of the home, it was more peaceful and stable. My wife and I still have to work on our issues, individually and together, but having him out of the home was helpful for that.

I am not sure, however, that the program helped my son at all. He resents that I sent him, but in his mind, he is fine and everyone else is the problem. He is still not repentant about anything he did (e.g. threatening to kill my wife and I).

If you do decide to send your daughter, please make sure you check out the place thoroughly. My wife and I went to visit the facility before we sent him. Also, you cannot expect that any facility will be able to just "fix" your daughter without you and your husband being involved. At the very least, you will have to participate in the program to some extent. I think you want to question them carefully on how much you should be involved, and how they will handle your husband potentially not wanting to be involved (or even opposing it).

On the one hand, it may help her to be in a stable, peaceful setting for six months. However, as soon as she comes back in six months, will she be coming back to tension and conflict? I understand the difficulty of your situation. Try to be at peace with your husband, but you do not have to trust him.

Remember Romans 12:18

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

I pray that you have wisdom from the Holy Spirit to make the right decision.

P.S. If you are looking at the facility in Duck River, TN please PM me. My understanding is that they have a Christian element to their program but they do not claim to be a 100% Christian program. I am not saying they cannot help your daughter, but just be aware that (if this is the one run by Three Springs) it is part of a larger corporation that operates these facilities.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I just want to clarify something. It is really, really important that your daughter get some help. There is no doubt that she is crying out for help, and it is important that you, as her mother and protector, should get the help for her. I think you are correct that her situation could escalate.

In my previous post, I was just trying to answer your question about sending her away to residential.

also, is there a youth pastor or someone like that at your church whom you could ask for advice?

Finally, keep in mind that if your daughter does attempt suicide, or if she says something at school along those lines, then your state's child protective services may become involved.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

Hi rdsmith3,

The place is Mercy Ministries. It was highly recommended by a good friend from church as well as a lady from my bible study group.

My husband as of yesterday said he would not attend ANY counseling of any sort to tell anyone anything.

I pray that CPS can get involve. He said he'd rather go to jail than attend counseling. But he tells OW and his email buddy about it, even joked about how he's saving money in case he has to "roll out". But nothing how he plans to help his daughter or save his marriage.

I am praying and seeking God's will in this and I know He will answer or maybe He has answered and I do not like the answer. Not sure.

I asked my husband can we try to move forward for our daughter's sake and he said no counseling and no retreats. I asked how can we reconcile and he said don't ask him about that right now. I asked when could I ask and he said he did not know. Arghhhh

If our daughter committed suicide, I do not think that would change him. I went to the ER Sunday after church and called my sister-in-law where we normally eat after church. She told him and he did not even respond or anything, did not call nor come to the hospital

He keeps talking to her about our problems and the police told us she says she cannot take any more but he continues. I am in awe of his blatant disrespect for our needs as a family.

I am going to an appt Thurs and Fri for my daughter's sake and she will be going back to counseling as of next week but to a Psychologist so she can be tested for depression, ADD, and get help with the sexual abuse she recently endured with our former pastor.

Please pray, however as of today I have said I will stay out of their presence so I will not be subject to their torture. My daughter is not speaking to me. her dad does the same when he is mad or upset about something. I wish he'd tell me what those things are but he always says some things are better left unsaid, so I can fix what I don't know.
"Do not be anxious a

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Again, I will pray for you, and I am sorry you are going through this.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

Thank you. I saw an email this morning where he told his friend of a female he met last week that flew in to work with him. She called him and she plans to come down and spend time with him. He gave her a photo to throw away and she kept it.

So its being revealed why he could care less about his family. I spoke softly to my daughter last night and she responded. I did not wake her this morning as not to nag her. Her dad will get her up although she's late for school. They have gotten closer as far as spending time together so that's a blessing.

I know God will work it out in the end, its the middle part that is hard to deal with. Smile

I will stand and not be moved.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I was away for a few days. Have you made any decisions about this?

You are still in my prayers.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

My daughter will be back in counseling in 2 weeks, praise God. I was having to pay and was referred to a new office at her school using the same agency I was going to pay weekly! That is God's work.

We had a good weekend for the most part. Her dad worked all day Sat and she was so open and attentive but I saw how her behavior changed when he got home.

I'm going to keep praying and standing in the gap for her.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 152

ladyt,

So wonderful to hear of your daughter's upcoming counseling session. I was wondering though. Why hasn't the church stepped up to pay for these sessions for her? Given the situation, I mean.

I pray that the counselor will be able to help her in so many areas. I continue to pray for you too

-RJ-

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

They semi-mentioned it but had not heard anything else. I think they see it as a admittance to guilty b/c they were neligent in calling him to preach although they knew his background.

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