Can a Sociopath/Narcassist change willingly?

skymom21 · Newbie Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

Hi my name is Gabi. I am brand new to this site. I am a newlywed and have been for the last 8 months. My husband and I have a daughter together. I would like to tell you a little bit about my story and hope that you have positive insight for me! I believe that my husband was a Sociopath after I read all the personality traits, everything fit him perfectly. At the time that I met my husband (four years ago), I had just come out of a very serious relationship with a very sweet man. I became bored with him and came to the conclusion that he was just too nice and desperate for love. Later I realized that I was a fool for leaving him. I never knew that my now husband had traits of a Sociopath or Narcissist until I started evaluating our past, to be more secure with the present. Now I am a bit disturbed at what I had found. I need to know if these men can change willingly because I believe my husband has.

When I met my husband, I was instantly drawn to him in a way that I have never been drawn to anyone else. He was working at a fast food restaurant in the small town we both were from, and he had no car because he had recently had his license suspended for a DWI (this lasted over 6months of our relationship) but he was so handsome, charming and witty that all the negatives seemed to lack importance. Now I am not going to get in detail by detail because this would become a novel and I am sure it will as it is. After roughly 1-2 months I realized that there was something very wrong with him. He would blow up at the smallest things. Making me feel worthless and a little crazy, like everything that went wrong was my fault. He would constantly deceive me. There was gossip in our small town and lets just say everyone had a lot to say about him, but he would tell me to ignore it they were just jealous or that no one liked him. This was the guy that parents would warn their daughters about. I moved in to an apartment with a friend shortly after I met him and he jumped to the opportunity to live with me. I have a hard time standing up for myself and didnt especially because he was my weakness. I consider myself a people pleaser and a pushover, something that I am still struggling with today. I felt very used and taken advantage of, as if I were being raped by the relationship. He would mooch off anyone and everyone for a place to stay constantly bombarding me with his responsibility. He ended up having us evicted after one month because he did not follow any of the rules as a guest, and he insisted on living there without any contract or commitment to me or anyone/thing else. I was forced to move back home. I lost a lot of respect from my friends and family during this time... but I didn't care. I kept seeing him. He would ask for me to buy him things, not ever help pay for anything. I probably spent over $1,000.00 over the course of our first year just on things that he wanted to do or for himself. With the job I had as a secretary that didn't leave me with much. He cared more about himself than anyone else and didn't care who he hurt, he was gona get what he wanted no matter what. He was very selfish and self centered... got through most of his life soley on his physical appearance not his personality. He seemed normal on the surface, like your typical metrosexual, blaming his personality flaws on steriods... but when he was no longer taking them and his personality/attitude didn't subside, I knew that was how he really was. He would get extremely jealous and start fights with me for no reason. He would verbal y abuse me and he would kick me when I was down. At times when these fights were escalating violently, I literally felt like I was staring at the devil himself. I would get suicidal, and that would force him to withdraw. Sometimes I think he would just start the fight so he could have an excuse leave to go be with someone else... or several women and not feel guilty. The verbal abuse emerged into destructive behavior. He must have broken about half a dozen of my cell phones. But time after time I would keep going back. He never offered to replace them or make amends for what he had destroyed. I just eventually had to get over it, but I could never forget. I had later realized that I was Codependent, by that time it was too late. I read some books but nothing seemed to help, I was addicted. Became feeling as if something was wrong with me. Even when we were seperated I felt as if I was sufficating. I had to see him, even went as far as stalking him. It was a very dark time in my life. I moved into another apartment, at this time we had been broken up again for the 100th time, but as soon as he knew I had my own place he slowly but surely creeped back into my life. An overnight stay, turned into a year of living with me and seven attempts moving in and out.

Overall that first year was the hardest I had ever had to endure in my life, but after that things started getting better not worse as I had anticipated. He got a good paying job, started being more trustworthy and honest... but he would still have these little ticks with his personality (hot/cold). We moved into our own place together and started things a little smoother. He had acknowledged the way he treated me was wrong. But I had gotten sick of his outburst and fearing when the worse would happen again. Fear of living in the unknown. I felt as if I was walking on eggshells and sometimes even now I still do. I still felt like he had a brush with infidelity and maybe was incapable of being in a monogamous relationship. He would be faithful for about 6 months and then he would fail and try again. I had cut it off twice after that on the count of resentment. I wanted to leave him and start a new. I became distant and disconnected. I tried reaching out to anyone who would be there for me and I too wasnt perfect and decieved him. Tried things his way for a while. On his birthday, he couldn't take it anymore and asked if maybe it would be best to seperate... if I still loved him... I asked him to move out of our apartment (that he now helped pay), so I could sort through my feelings. I did love him; I just wasn’t in love with him and questioned the fact that he ever really loved me?

Months to Years of being betrayed and mistreated had taken a toll on my self esteem. He moved out for one full week. Then I decided I would let him move back, and we would try to live civilly as roommates in our one bedroom town home (not likely and this was very difficult)... and in 4 months when the lease expired, I decided we would go our separate ways. He insisted on being together. He said he had a "coming to jesus moment", and wanted to make things right. I had a rude awakening shortly after when I had taken a paternity test and it had come out positive. I was devastated and convinced that I was going to give it up for adoption. He wanted to make it work. He was so excited, more than I have ever seen him in my life. He pampered me and took real care of me for the first time during my pregrancy. Made me feel like a princess at times, but the flares were still there and sometimes he would go back to being a self centered womanizer. By this time I had already concluded that he had Borderline Personality Disorder, but Sociopath had never crossed my mind. I decided to give it another try. We got engaged, he received a promotion, we moved into a house (that he now takes full responsibility for paying) and things started looking up. Then 6 months later just like clock work... infidelity begins again. I caught it at the early stages... before anything physical happened I found the proof all over his phone. After that moment I threatened him with everything I had. For the first time, I held my dignity. He told me the truth about what was going on and surrendered (and that is as much as I know). He did everything and is doing everything in his power to please me. Things haven’t been perfect, but I can assure you he is not the boy I had once met. I found it in my heart to forgive him only because I can only forgive the truth, I cannot forgive a lie. After our daughter was born everything has been blissful more than it has ever been. I feel like we got a new beginning. Something to really live for. We got married under pressure. (Not from him, but that is another story in itself.) I wished we would have waited but I also knew that I wouldn't deny my daughter the family that I never had. My biological father never wanted anything to do with me and when he finally did... his time was up. He passed on. It has been a year since I chose to forgive my husband. Sometimes I still bring up the passed because it feels as if the scars are still fresh and find it unfair that I had to endure such abuse. I feel like now he is the most trustworthy he has ever been. He is honest, kind, a real man. He found a spiritual connection to God. He makes me happy. He is a terrific father and loves our daughter very much. I have not found any sign of deceit or betrayal. We allow each other boundaries but we still respect each others space. I need mine from time to time. I do not feel like I am Codependent anymore. In fact if the same was to occur again, on my daughter’s behalf and for myself I would leave him in good conscience. I don't feel like I am in prisoner to this relationship but I am an activist. I know this goes against any therapist or any physiologist. I know that its hard to know if someone has really changed in such a short amount of time. But as a naive as it seems, I am his wife and I do believe I know my husband. As a child his mother and father were maybe not as involved as most parents, but they loved him, even if they didn't show him as much as most. His father is a great man, a spiritual follower, and he is my husband's hero, he aspires to be like his father and that gives me hope because I know he now is. I also know that too goes against goes against psychologist or counselors predication or anything that I have read. How can you come from a decent family, but be a sociopath/narcissist and how do you stop this personality disorder? Can people with this disorder change willingly? Perhaps you might think he is playing the game a little differently, more manipulative or got more clever at hiding the truth? I would like to know what you think regarding my situation. I know what the worst that could happen is, I have been there... I am hoping that there is a happy ending to my story and new happy beggining to my marriage for my family's sake.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Welcome - we're glad you have found GT community.

With God, and a renewed committment to Jesus Christ, a person can change. Perhaps that is what God is doing in his life. Time will tell.

I'm sure it makes you cautious to trust and give your heart to him again.
Forgiving is a process God asks us to walk through, but he does give us self-preservation through our minds that so that we learn from and do not forget prior circumstances.

I would encourage you to find a church community, if you haven't already and participate in a couples bible study. Build support and friendships so you are not walking through marriage alone.

There are great marriage seminars out there that will help the two of you build the relationship skills you need. It doesn't sound like your relationship started out on the best track, but that doesn't mean the two of you can't start fresh and begin building the marriage God intended for you.
http://www.growthtrac.com/events/

Also, I would encourage you to take some time to meet with a counselor or a pastor to work through some of the behavior issues and choices you have made along the way. Self-help is an oxymoron and it's important for you to dig beneath the layers to fully understand yourself and the changes you need to make in becoming stronger with God's direction and help.

I also think all young men, in some form these days, have a feeling of entitlement, immaturity and narcissitic behavior. There are not many who would be able to throw themselves into a pile and call themselves "fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ." They have not been taught by their own fathers about what it means to lead a home and sacrifice "self" for what a wife and family need. Maybe, just maybe, your husband it starting to get to that place.

It seems you may have even struggled on your own to come to a place of being "sold out" for God.

It's a process that we all go through.

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