This is awful

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 189

Jo-jo,
I understand your need to have answers to your questions as well. It is so hard for us to understand how once they've admitted the ultimate betrayal that they think they can hurt us any worse, but my husband said he believed he could, and he was right. He took her places and did things, I would have never believed he could have. It hurt so much to hear those things, but strangely with that pain came healing. I think just the fact that our husbands are willing to trust us with the secrets helps build trust. When they refuse to answer questions we feel like they and the OW are still hiding things from us, that they still have a bond. The OW needs to be on the outside now, where we were for so long. Each time my husband would give me a detail, which is how it was pretty much done, one or two at a time, and after crying and dealing, I would thank him and tell him I felt closer to him, and I really did. He couldn't understand that at all. If it had been the other way around, he wouldn't have wanted to know any details. Men and women are just so different. After reading tons of stuff on affairs, I understand that once they come to their senses, it is very hard for them to deal with the hurt they have caused us. They know how badly they would hurt. I have finally stopped asking questions. I finally realized that the more I knew, the more I had to heal from. Yes, I wish he would start from the very beginning and give me complete details, but then would I truly be able to live with that? I'm not sure. Sometimes what I already know is overwhelming. It is probably better not to know everything. Knowing the details doesn't change the fact that it happened. As Dr. Phil says, "You can't make sense out of nonsense". The hurt is unbelievable in all this, but I know I would hurt more if we weren't working on our marriage. I do love this man with all my heart. That has to be of God. Nothing else makes sense. How else could you love someone who hurt you so badly?

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Today is a bad day for me. My H is a serial cheater and apparently has been his entire life. I won't bore you with ALL the issues. For now, he says the right things and is in prayer. My concern is that serial cheating is a red flag for narcissism or probably a tragic character flaw. I don't have the strength to endure this relationship long enough to ever trust and respect him .

Numbers 6:24-25 "The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracsious to you: The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. "

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 189

Fishi,
I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I still have those a lot too. I went back and read some of your posts, and you've only known for a short time, right? The first few months I thought I was going to die from the pain. I have to ask, did you just find out he was a serial cheater, or have you known this from the beginning? I don't remember reading that in your other posts. Whether it was one affair or numerous doesn't really matter though, the pain is the same - betrayal is betrayal. I understand how hopeless you feel, but remember that's the way the devil wants you to feel. He doesn't want our marriages to survive. Try not to give in to him. If your husband is in prayer right now and trying, that's all you can ask. I think about David in the Bible, God never gave up on him, and look at all the sins he committed, but he was still referred to as a man after God's own heart. Pray for strength and courage. Remember your marriage vows. Just because he broke his doesn't mean you have to break yours. I'm praying for you.

Colossians 3:12-14 (NIV) . . . Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

My dear Charity, thank you for your words and support, and especially for the Bible verse.

I found out about the most recent affair on 2/6, so yes it is still "fresh". After doing research, I knew there had been more. He finally admitted he had engaged in affairs and one night stands. And there is probably more that he hasn't told me, I think he confesses to what he thinks I know. We've been married 15 1/2 years and until Feb. I had no clue.

I don't intend to violate my marriage vows. We will either work through this, or we will get a divorce.

I just find that I don't have the energy for all this "crap". My breast cancer was diagnosed a year ago and I'm still healing from that. This sexual addiction, or whatever it is he has, is wearing me out. It is such negative energy.

Yes, I agree with you regarding the devil and infidelity. I am also guarded as I see this as a way for the devil to get to me, we know he has his hand on my husband.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 110

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

FHJ, THANK YOU! Those verse carried me so far. Today, I just felt as if I had hit a wall.

It is in God's hands, and the strength he gives me is all I have.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 189

Fishi,
When I mentioned your not keeping your marriage vows, I didn't believe for one minute you would go out and do what he has done, I meant, not to let divorce become an option. Please take that word out of your vocabulary. We all vowed "'til death do us part" not "'til my husband betrays me". This is a very tough one, but I came to realize I also said "for better or for worse", I just never imagined at the time how bad it could get, but the fact that I said it does away with my walking away. If at some point an unfaithful spouse should go back to their old ways, they should be the ones that destroy the marriage, not the faithful Christian.
1Cor 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
1Cor 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such [cases]: but God hath called us to peace.
These are tough sayings, but they are from God, so we have to seriously consider them. I know the Bible also says a spouse can be put away because of sexual immorality, but I believe that is reserved for extreme cases where the unfaithful spouse just refuses to see what they are doing is wrong and shows no signs of still loving their spouse or ever coming to their senses. The amazing part of infidelity is that most cheating spouses really love their spouses and don't want to lose them. Your husband seems to have come to his senses. This is where he just has to be turned over to God, and you have to trust that God will save your marriage.

I hope this didn't come across as a lecture. I know you were just having a bad day, so I don't think you really believe divorce is an option, we've all thought it, we just don't need to act on it. As you can tell from this post, I have had to do some real soul searching on this one. Our first instinct is to run away from the pain, but that isn't possible - divorce or no divorce.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Dear Charity, thank you for your words. No, they didn't come across as lecturing. You are very clear on your beliefs and I appreciate that.

The Bible does allow for divorce in the event of infidelity. As of now, I'm not considering it, but I know it is an option. It is not God's first option, but one none the less.

There are some underlying issues regarding H's infidelity, that are different than most. We are working on it and we shall see what the outcome is.

He ordered The Marriage Tele-Fitness Bootcamp for the two of us. It is 1 1/2 hour each week for 7 weeks. There will be "homework", etc. outside of that. I'm praying that it will help our situation.

Charity I appreciate you taking the time to post and I am most appreciative of your support.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 189

Fishi,
Great! I am glad to hear you two are working so hard on your marriage. That is a very positive move on his part. My husband and I took an 8 week marriage course, and we had to talk about things in our "homework" that we probably would have never discussed if it hadn't been for that class. We came away knowing a lot more about each other. It was a great help to both of us. I wish you the best.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Charity,

What was the name of the 8 week course you and your husband took? Was it online or something you both went to? Homework? Is this something you both did together, separtely, or both? Could you let me know how this worked? Sure would appreciate it.

(((((fishi)))))

Sure am keeping you and your family in my prayers. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I'm praying that your H will come to his senses and see what he truly has in you. Take care of yourself, ok?

-RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Hello, to Everyone,

Secured, the kids are grown and don't know about any of this and probably never will, at least from me. (I think you may have me confused with another poster when you mentioned my daughter.)

I'm holding you all in my prayers!

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((fishi)))))

You are right. I had you confused with another poster. I am soooo sorry about that. That will teach me to go back and read prior posts to remember who I am talking to. I do remember you, though. I have been amazed at your strength of having had to deal with the cancer and then the betrayal. I know what it is to have a husband who has had several affairs. Mine did too. I will say I find it hard to believe that my husband can just change after having done all of what he has done for so long. I wonder has he truly come to his senses. Can I really after everything trust him again? Heck, can I even really love him again? I know I care for him, but I'm not sure about loving him. His mother had told him right after we were married to be careful because you can destroy love. She was just giving him advice, and she was right. She has lived a hard life with his dad. My H. feels that he had a problem with sexual addiction because of his dad and how he was raised. His dad was a very hard disciplinarian. My husband was always seeking approval. His mother always said that the dad did not do right by any of the children (there were 3). I read that sexual addiction is an act of trying to fill a void caused by a lack of feeling loved during childhood. My only question is, wasn't my love enough after we were married? I wish I could just go forward. It's hard to believe that I've lived with and known this man for most of my life, and yet I really didn't know him. It's still scary to me that I slept beside this man and didn't know of the secret filthy double life he was living for so many years. How does one fully erase that from memory? I look at pictures from the past during these years and realize they are tainted now. I will say that my husband is trying very hard to live right. He is now the husband I should have had all along. He is very remorseful and tells me constantly that I am his life. He says he is still waiting for the hammer to fall because it's what he deserves and more. Do I think he is truly repentant? I pray he is. Do I think he has changed? I pray he truly has. One thing I have learned is that I cannot control his behavior, only mine. I, being a child of God, must forgive him. Does this mean I can forget? No. I do believe however that I am to give him the opportunity to live a sober life from now on. Easy? Most certainly not. But I know this is what God expects of me. I have to take this day by day as my H. does. It's gotten to where most days are good. Triggers come but with God's help I'm able to deal with them better, faster. I still have valley days when I think of all I have lost and about how I was duped. That's when I can only lean on HIM. I do understand where you are coming from, dear sister. There are so many questions that surround the "whys" of all of this that we may never get answers for. That's where we have to just hand it over to God. It can almost get too frustrating, too constricting, just too dang hindering. I just try to remember that if I do my part and honor God, even though I may falter, HE will sustain me.

Know that all of us are praying for you. We do share your pain, your grief.

Always, -RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Dear RJ, If I were with you, I would give you gentle hugs. Cyberhugs are the best I can do.

I think it is hard for our spouses to realize that our marriages, prior to confession or discovery of adultery, are DEAD to us. Why? Perhaps it is the difference in being the offender versus the offended. Or maybe it has to do with guilt and shame.

It has helped me to wipe the slate clean and let that marriage die. Periodically, it rears its head and I sob and mourn and then throw it away.

I'm working on attempting to build trust and respect for my husband. It is a difficult task even though I have surrendered it and myself to The Lord. Everything I've read says the betrayed spouse will never be the same. Since I'll never be the same following treatment for breast cancer, I can understand how my personality, etc. won't ever be the same as prediscovery of the adulteries. I understand it, I don't like it, but it is reality.

RJ, we started our Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness program last night. The homework for this week is to:

Put the problems aside (for now). To focus on creating good feelings and good times together. And to create a "Mission Statement" for our marriage. I'm paraphrasing, but Mort said to focus on what you want the end result to be rather than on the problems. There, now. You're caught up on this week's lesson.

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:54 am Post subject:

Hi, fishi. I looked up the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness program that you mentioned. It looks interesting-Please keep me informed and tell me if it is a valuable resource.

I know what you mean about the old marriage being dead. It can't ever be the same even if ignorance was bliss. But I wonder if I completely want that marriage to die. I hope that I can maybe, someday, use what has happened to help someone else. My favorite scripture is 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

fishi,

You were so right when you said that the marriage before D-day is dead to us who have been offended. We do go through an actual state of mourning. But when I think about it, would I really want to resuscitate that type of marriage that we'd had? The one filled with deceit, lies and filthiness. God allowed me to find out the truth after all these many years for a reason. I am so torn sometimes with wishing I didn't know (to be back in my comfort zone) to I'm so thankful that I do know. I believe that God allowing me to find out is HIS judgment on my husband. Letting him know that he did not get away with anything. That God does hold him accountable, since he claims to be a child of HIS. My husband has been astounded with the way God has revealed Himself to him through all of this. Even though he hates the fact that I am going through everything that I am because of what he has done. He is thankful that God has brought it all to light. He wants so badly to start anew, be pure and be a worthy husband.

The problem I am dealing with is that while yes, I want all the above, I find it hard to just put the LONG grim past where it belongs. I want a quick fix to all this dreadful pain, doubt, and lamenting. I am aware, believe me, that God is with me. That's the only way any of us can even manage a smile or a kind word to our husbands. I know that in time these feelings will become muted somewhat. They will never go completely away though, and maybe that's a good thing. We will be more aware and less likely to be steamrolled and sucker-punched out of the blue again.

I'm keeping all of you in my prayers. I count all of you as gifts from God.

SMILE -RJ-

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