Just so Unsure

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

Hello,

I'm back again with an update of sorts.

When I first posted in the site, my situation was this: I have been married almost 2 Years (In June). My husband and I met 4 years ago in church when he preached at the church I was then going to.
Things progressed well, we had the regular relationshio issues. He was divorced, so trust issues were there. We wvwn broke up a period of time, got back together, and here we are. But one thing I failed to tell him upfront: That I had gotten my tubes tied before I met him. I didn't tell him because of my rejection issues, wanted to hold on to the first man that ever treated me well. (I had a few very abusive relationships) I just KNEW he would just walk away and have nothing to do with me.

Before we became serious, I planned to get it reversed, but the cost is high and not covered by insurance. We agreed before marriage that we didn't wish to have any more children. (We have 5 combined). SO I left it at that, but it was never far from my mind. So now things have been terrible for the last several months (since Sept 07). He has threatened to leave in occasion. We go through many hot and cold periods. No praying together, sex is dwindling away.

I got an anonymous email that pointed me to a MySpace page. The page was about this lady claiming to be the next Mrs. (My last name). My husbands picture was everywhere with comments like ' My Hubby', 'My fiancee' and more. I printed everything. when confronted, he said that it was a setup... denied it all. I have since sought out other things that I thought he was doing, chatting online, found transcripts of saved messages describing a sex encounter with a woman. Many others where he was making plans to meet or see other women.

I printed those as well. My question is, what should I do? I have been trying to continually pray, read my word, I've been struggling with depression. Prior to this, we had many good days and weeks. Doing family things, being intimate. I just want my marriage to work according to God's plan for us, but everytime it seems that he is trying to communicate and have something with me, things like this are uncovered, or happen.

HELP

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 134

necee22,
How sad to know that your husband was a preacher when you met but has turned out to be so unforgiving and selfish. Unfortunately you can't make him grow up or change. I can understand his being upset that you weren't honest with him, but everybody makes mistakes, and at some point he is going to have to let it go. All this other he is doing certainly proves everybody makes mistakes. He is making some major ones. I suggest that you keep studying God's word, praying and find a Christian counselor. As you will read on so many of these posts, Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson is a wonderful book on not being a doormat, letting your husband know what you will and will not put up with while trying to keep your marriage together. I wish I had some easy answer for you, but the best solution I know of is to turn it all over to God and then wait for Him to control the situation. This is not an easy solution by any means, but it is the best. I will be praying for you.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 68

Necee, I am so sorry this is happening. I'm not quite clear about your situation. Are you saying that your H found out that you had your tubes tied and then began seeking companionship outside your marriage?

If so, he may have felt betrayed that you didn't share this with him before you married. He may wonder what other secrets you have kept from him. Or, he may be using this as an excuse to cheat, in which case, if it weren't your tubes being tied, it would be some other reason he would try to use to justify his cheating.

I will pray for you and and that God lift up your marriage and your spirit.

When you can think more clearly, and after the rawness of your discovery calms down, you might try sitting down and discussing what each of you needs from the other and how to make that happen. Explain that you want to be open and intimate with him and you want to work this out, together.

Don't accept his explanation that he cheated because you didn't tell him about getting your tubes tied. NOTHING you did justifies infidelity. If it troubled him so, then the two of you should have discussed it and worked out a solution.

As to the anonymous email - how juvenile!!!! It most likely was sent to you by a woman (or someone in her posse) that want to upset you.

John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

Thank you for your response.

He's asked me a few times during our courtship and marriage, and the last time he asked, I just told the truth. Either way, it was a lose situation to me. I felt that he would reject me anyway.

He seems so angry at me because I found out and asked him about it. The funny thing is that he seems to pick and choose when to be involved with me, when to be intimate with me. When we do have the opportunity to talk, he sits there. I can see the guilt on his face, because I've been trying to let go of the guilt I feel... He says that he doesn't know how to talk to me anymore. scared to trust me, as other things may be uncovered... But he's the one running around...

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation -

I think SAM has mentioned this before. When you are at an impasse in your marriage, going around in circles and not resolving issues, then it is time to bring in the help of a mentor or a couselor.

What you describe is taking place is what revenge is made of. You hurt me and I'll hurt you back.

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