charity1
Full Member
Joined: 07 Jan 2008
Posts: 97
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 Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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Broken07,
I am glad you understand the affair was not your fault no matter what you might have done or not done in the marriage. We are all responsible for our own actions.
I understand totally what you are saying about your wife's lying. When a person becomes involved in an affair, lying is part of it - it becomes second nature to them. That was one of the biggest obstacles in restoring my marriage. My husband wouldn't tell me the truth. He said he didn't want to hurt me any worse than he already had, plus he felt so stupid whenever he had to confess what he had done. I finally made him understand that if there was any hope of restoring our marriage, we had to rebuild trust and that was going to take his being open and honest with me and not having any contact with the OW or any other woman for that matter. There is no doubt your wife is ashamed. She doesn't want to admit the things she has done. Satan has a way of deluding us and making us feel justified in our actions. She finds it easier to blame you for her sin and all the problems in your marriage than herself. The following is a link to a very good article regarding addiction and affairs and how people are deluded: http://www.familydynamics.net/_pdf/Interventiondocument.pdf The addict can get to the point they don't even know the truth. The article is very long, but pages 4 through 8 were especially interesting to me and helped me understand my husband a little better. One important thing to remember in expecting her to be honest with you is, you can't make her feel threatened or judged when she is honest. If she tells you the truth and you start ranting and raving or acting judgmental, it will shut her down in the future. If you want the truth, you have to be willing to handle it. She needs a safe environment in which to be honest.
You indicated you know who the real enemy is in all this and that will help you in your recovery and your forgiveness. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places]." This isn't an easy battle. No doubt your wife would rather have you and your children than any other man (the way God intended it). The fact that she still goes to church and has Christian reading materials lying around indicates she is struggling. She is being pulled in two directions. Your continued prayers will help her break free from Satan.
In reading your posts it seems like you are very good at expressing yourself. When I read your comment:
| Quote: | | I love this woman more than i can ever describe in words. i know i had my faults in the marriage and i am trying to work on them. |
I couldn't help thinking it might be good for you to write her a letter. I think a letter I wrote to my husband helped turn him around.
Tell her what she means to you (use the words above). Let her know you realize you haven't been the kind of husband you should have been and with God's help you want to make that up to her. You can tell her you are not taking the blame for her affair, but you take the blame for her not being as happy as she could have been. Then tell her how much you want to make this marrage work, but that in a marriage, there can only be three - you, her and God - nobody else, and there has to be honesty and openness. Tell her you want to be her best friend and best friends confide in each other and can trust each other. Obviously once upon a time you had that. Tell her you want that back. Tell her you forgive her and you are asking her to forgive you. Since she has asked you how you are so sure you can change your end of what was wrong in the marriage, she has to be noticing changes and wondering if this is for real. If you haven't told her the story of how God changed you, tell her. Let her know that God has made you a new man. (Maybe that will get her to thinking that she can be a new woman.) Don't put any pressure or blame on her, just let her know you are there for her if and when she wants to give the marriage a real try. If she is a good mother, compliment her on that. Treat her like you did when you were dating. She wants to feel loved and cherished - everybody does. I will be praying for you. |
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