Trying to Survive...

jo · Newbie Joined: 11 Jul 2006 Posts: 10

Dear Friends at Gt:
i am new here and I just found the site today. God has been merciful-He knew what exactly i ned and led me to GT today.
I have been the offending party in our marriage. i have confessed to my husband, and my children. have repented. stays more at home. have completely cut-off all communications with the other party and doing my best to consume and be consumed by the word of God everyday. There were no violent reactions from my husband when i confessed. my older kids have been more reactionary and couldn't understand why their dad has shown me deep compassio and forgiveness(no blaming, no harsh word ecxhanged not even any questions on the details. he just took everything I said, cried when he was praying for me(i asked him to pray for me right after my confession and he did) and it was never mentioned again. its been about a month now. My request is this, please pray for me and my marriage. For me-because i believe i have done everything by the book regarding cases like mine and yet at night I feel a heavy attack of depression, fear and guilt thats really overwhelming. its very hard to sleep but I couldnt tell my husband. i feel like I need to do more and yet I don't know what to do besides what I have already done. No, we didn't think or even consider talking to any friends or even the Pastor to our new church bec we haven't developed closeness to him yet. Please also pray for my children, as i know it was a heavy burden to carry-(knowing the truth about supermom)but i know that if I am to come clean, I needed to tell them as they are affected too by my indescretion one way or the other (and i thought it best that they heard from me rather than from others.)and ihe revelation is hurting my relationship with them. They also couldn't understand why there was no violent reaction of some sort from my husband.(let those who never sinned, cast the first stone?) I know that in due time I shall reap what I have sown but I am holding on to the grace and mercy of God and willing to go through the judgement day when it happens. other than this, I understand that sin hinders blessing from coming or being received-our finances s fast dwindlin and i feel very responsible for this. Please help me pray for God to fully restore me back to his presence for I know there is no safer place.
thank you very much and may God bless you abundantly for the work you do for His kingdom.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

Welcome Jo,
I'm so very glad that you found GT and have come here to feel this is a safe place.

I so appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your story - that had to be pretty hard to write. Healing can be really hard when hiding is still occuring. It's one thing to confess this to your husband but it also needs to be brought forward to others within your Christian community.
I'm not talking about going before the whole church and putting a scarlet red S across your chest. I'm talking about those who you hold close to you in Christian brother and sister friendship.

A couple of things - have you and your husband considered counseling
with your pastor or a Christian professional counselor? Reason I ask, there are things within your marriage that brought you to the place your are at. There was brokeness and issues that were not being dealt with. Hoping all of this will go away eventually doesn't make it go away - it will resurface again.

As for telling the kids - it's been done. I've read articles here at GT that recommend not telling the kids. I believe they may be dealing with the fear of "what if's"? What if mom does this again? What does this mean for our home? What if this eventually breaks up our home? Your husband's reaction baffles them probably because they are quite angry with you and want to express it. They may be afraid to do so because of their father's reaction. They need to be told it's OK to be angry and to let you know it.

When I wrestle with God, I do not sleep. He may be telling you - "I have more work to do here and I need you to be available, even though it's painful."

jo · Newbie Joined: 11 Jul 2006 Posts: 10

Dear Sam:
Finally found someone within my circle of old friends whom I trust one hundred percent. And you were right, I neede to tell someone and when I did, a lot of things I didn't understand , she helped me understand, and when she prayed for me-I felt a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long while.Thank God for christian sisters like her and you.
My hsband has decided that we shouldn't talk to anyone at this point and I want to respect that for the time being and eventually bring it up again. I will also email my son and daughter and tell them it's okay to feel angry because it is okay. I would've been angry if I was them. thanks again. Today has been very nice. I feel good and feel more confident. God has been and continues to be gracious unto me and my family. God bless you!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2164 Location: Chicago

I'm so glad you found someone to confide in.
Over the next week or two please spend some time searching your heart and walking through the steps of what led you in the direction of making the choices you did.

1) What was I feeling at the time?
2) Where was my relationship with God?
3) How did I justify this when I knew it was wrong?
4) What protection/accountability can I surround myself with now that will avoid this in the future?

Many times, it's little exits away from God and away from our spouse over time. Little... subtle... exits.

There is a great book by Nancy Anderson called the "Greener Grass Syndrome" that you might enjoy.

jo · Newbie Joined: 11 Jul 2006 Posts: 10

hello Sam.
I feel a lot better now. more in control of myself. Thank God for comfort and mercy! I am challenged by the questions you posed and yet they are what I need to fully confront myself and what i have done so that i don't do it again no matter what happens. And as soon as I have the answeers, i will post of course. Sam, here in my country, 43year old female dont have much chance to land a job despite the educational attainment. Please pray that I find something productive to do with my hands now that I booted myself out of my ministry and my church until I am more stable spiritually.tnx and Godbless.

jo · Newbie Joined: 11 Jul 2006 Posts: 10

Dear Sam:
these were the questions you gave which I left unanswered for a long while:
1) What was I feeling at the time?
2) Where was my relationship with God?
3) How did I justify this when I knew it was wrong?
4) What protection/accountability can I surround myself with now that will avoid this in the future?

Finally have the answers to them and so I am posting now:

1. I was feeling alone, abandoned and rejected for a long time that was the exact time the affair happened.

2.I was nowhere near God at that time. Nowhere near any christian friends too. I practically left God's side.

3.I justified my sin by insisting that it was time I have something for myself. just for myself and no one else. i grew tired taking care of everyone else except me. I had wanted something for me.

4.The three (3) of us-my husband, me and my 9 year old daughter do our family devotions everymorning as soon as we all wake up. We go to this church and I belong to a womens' group and my husband attends the men's group. I gobble up every bible study reference I could find as long as the doctrines are along those that I already believe in. i pray continually for strenght and wisdom. I still don't do ministry work. i feel I am not ready yet. maybe next year. I spend a lot of time at home, with my husband and our daughter. God has been merciful and gracious to us despite everything-we now manage a family property where we rent out houses and rooms-this keeps us both busy and working together all the time.

I hope to find the book you suggested here in my country.

Anyways, God bless you. I couldn't thank you enough for all the help you have extended to me and to everyone else here with a heavy burden to bear whom you have helped too. may God bless you a hundred fold for your eforts and shower you with all that your heart desires.
sincerely.
jo

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