Trouble in recovery...

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

I've come so far but I feel stuck now. There has been no contact with the OM for a while now and the OM hasn't been watching me or driving by our house as far as we know either. My problem is guilt and shame from what I did. I know my husband has forgiven me and I know that God has forgiven me but I just haven't been able to forgive myself yet. The guilt and shame has been growing over the last month or so and it's effecting my relationship to my husband. Most of the guilt and shame is because of the physical part of the affair even though we never had sex. Anytime my husband tries to be a bit affectionate I either freeze up or I pull away. I just feel dirty and/or contaminated and feel my husband shouldn't touch me. I've explained all this to my husband so he can know it's not really me rejecting him but I know how frustrated he is. I crave the affection - to just be held - but I just can't bring myself to allow him to touch me much.
I need to forgive myself and let it go but it's a lot easier said than done right now.
Any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2163 Location: Chicago

My prayers are with you and I have prayed for you.

When you say their is guilt and shame over the physical part of the affair, but you never had sex... sorry, that is a bit confusing. It was still a sexual affair even if only kissing and touching took place. The Evil One is all too happy continuing to lay out the line of guilt and images in front of you. Of course, that's what keeps you from intimacy with your husband and makes him all to happy about another struggling marriage.

Have you and your husband had an opportunity to plan a long getaway weekend together? How's the counseling going?

Something to try -
1) Each morning sit down for 5-10 minutes and write out your thoughts of guilt and shame on a piece of paper. Now take that paper and crumple it up and throw it out or go outside and burn it. As you do this say, "God I'm tired of this guilt and shame and I want you to take this burden from me." I do this exercise when I am worried, using different words, but it really helps.

ladyjulie · Newbie Joined: 02 May 2006 Posts: 11

Thanks for the idea. I'll have to try it!
About the physical part of the relationship - I guess it could be considered sexual (that was were it was going - there's no denying that) but there was no sexual touching and very little kissing (only one short kiss on the lips). Mainly, just hugging/holding, cuddling, holding hands, and some shoulder massages.
Yes, my husband and I actually have gotten away for a long weekend together and we get this Friday night all to ourselves. Kids will be at grandparent's house! I know my husband would like to have this time be intimate and so would I but I need to be able to let go of some of this guilt. I'm going to try to write things out and then shred & throw the paper away while asking God to take this guilt and shame away.
I am trusting God for a good night with just my hubby on Friday! I thank God that He's blessed me with a husband that is patient, forgiving, and committed to the marriage, for better or worst! God is good!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2163 Location: Chicago

Those memories are hard to erase but with God's help, I know he will work on this with you - you only need to ask.

Many men's love languages is physical touch - it is how they know that you love them and are commited to your relationship. It's how he knows that he is reconnecting with you.

Please read 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 and Philippians 2:3-4 and lastly Proverbs 5:18-19.

Ask God to help you delight in your husband again, for his touch to be pleasing to you, for his smell to fill your senses and for your desire to return and..... It's great to ask God to help you fall in love with your husband again and to desire him, but ask God for the details. I know he delights in the details of our requests to Him.

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