This is awful

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:04 am Post subject: This is awful

I haven't posted here in a while and when I did it was praise for all going well and the power of God in a renewed marriage. . .

And now the bottom fell out, again. His most recent affair ended 3 weeks ago. It had gone on for 8 months. I am devastated. This is his 4th affair in our 12 years of marriage. At least I think it is. He couldn't even tell me. he said it was a kiss, he felt bad and broke it off. She was the one who told me the truth. He says he didn't have the courage to tell me. Everytime before I blamed myself. After #3 and he had left me and our children I became a Christian. Thru a lot of work and prayer he returned home and I believed I had enough faith that I could pray us both thru anything.

We moved to another state. Our life seemed like such a miracle, a blessing in every way. Now it all seems like an empty facade. We didn't leave it all behind and start over. It was a lie.

He says I am the best wife. He doesn't have an answer for why he has done this, why he has risked our family, our marriage, his job and his friendships.

This past weekend his grandmother died and he had to go to FL for the funeral. He has begun to pray, he has committed his life to Christ, he prayed WITH ME over the phone. That's all I've wanted - for him to come back to Christ. Now I don't know if it is enough to repair the marriage. I feel like I don't know him. He's a stranger and you can't love or hate a stranger. I feel like I can't even be sad for what was lost, because in truth, I never had it to begin with. I believe God is strong enough to heal anything. But do I even want to anymore? I'm tired and sad and when I pray, I feel like it bounces off the ceiling. But I pray CONSTANTLY.

Our pastor is referring us to a christian marriage counselor. My husband has already begun 'clinical' counseling. I just don't know where to begin.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((((j3anjean))))))))

My heart goes out to you. I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way. It's like our marriage was all a lie. An empty facade. Everything you have said so mirrors my own thoughts. My husband is like a stranger to me also. Your sentence about "I feel like I can't even be sad for what was lost, because in truth, I never had it to begin with" Wow!. So true! My husand claims he has done all of this because of his sexual addictions. I'm sure that is true but they still make the conscious choice of right or wrong. He also tells me I am his life. He is also trying to amend his ways. He says that he has, with God's help, not mast. for a year now. He is amazed that this has happened. He has never been "pure" before. I am happy for him but I am the one devastated by all of this. I feel numb. Almost no feelings whatsoever. I hang onto the Lord. That is all I can do. One thing I have learned is that I can put boundaries on my marriage. I do not and will not accept this behavior any longer. I am trying to forgive because he has asked for forgiveness and I am to do so. I also know that it is up to him to see that he fights this with all that is within him. That is between him and God. It is not something that can be fixed in a short time. It has taken years to establish so it cannot be smooth over in a little while. I know your hurt is so hard right now. Please continue to PRAY. God is listening. Hang onto him. It's wonderful that he is trying to straighten himself out. He needs to find out for himself why he is doing this. That to me would be the first step. You cannot fix what you do not know. He needs to understand it will be a battle. One he cannot do alone. He will have several battles do deal with. With Himself and for you. I understand your broken heart. I too have a fear of putting my heart on the line again. It's not easy. We pull away to protect ourselves. I get so angry sometimes because I shouldn't have to protect myself from the one who is suppose to love me. I know you are tired. You need to take care of yourself. Sometimes just taking a few deep breaths, taking a walk outside, treating yourself to something just for you works wonders. Think about healing yourself. That's not being selfish, that's getting some peace of mind. You cannot think straight when you are under so much stress. I am praying for you. Please continue to talk to us. We may be strangers but our hurts are somewhat the same. We care. RJ

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:18 am Post subject:

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY, RJ!!!! I am so tired of feeling alone! It was a blessing to read your words.

My first instinct, my first prayer was that he would ask God into his life, but now that he has I feel just as bad. It's like he is on a spiritual high and I am left holding the pain. He is just a big bundle of hope and joy. He keeps saying that was the old me, this is the new me. It makes me angry. I don't totally buy into this "new me". Is it just another face, another lie? Is it a weak attempt destined to fail? I am NOT an angry person. In fact, yesterday was the first time I got angry over this mess. I told him that I couldn't live with a liar anymore and then I put all my stuff in the spare room. Now, I'm the liar because I had to tell the kids that the new mattress is hurting mom's back.

During the first counseling appt. the counselor said it could be an addiction. I thought, "Don't give him an excuse!!" Our pastor says it is a habit which is like an addiction but bad habits are what we fall into when we aren't turning to God. I like that "definition" better.

I want to take care of myself, of my kids. But this past 3 weeks this is all I can think about. I don't sleep, I can't eat, I close my office door at work and cry, I smile at our 2 boys and do everything in my power to keep this out of their range.

My mother in law called me late last night and said that my husband is a new Christian, and as his wife I need to nurture, love and support him thru this, that God can change him and that if he falls again it will be because I failed as a Christian wife. Maybe she's right, but it made me mad. THAT IS ALL I HAVE DONE FOR 12 YEARS. I told her, "Don't lecture me. I know the drill. Remember, this is my 4th tour of duty on affair recovery patrol."

I appreciate your words, your kindness and I am keeping close to God. He's my only support now. Your experience and mine sound so similar and it is a blessing to know I'm not alone. I want to be forgiving and faithful and follow God's will for my life-but I do not want to be a fool - again.
-Jeannie-

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Jeannie,

I believe I would have seen red too if someone had told me that. Does she just not understand what he has laid onto your shoulders? How would she react if it were she going through this? It is his job to make sure you are healing and to make you feel CHERISHED. It WILL NOT be your failure if he doesn't succeed. Each of us is accountable for our own lives before GOD. It will be his failure. I pray he sees what he has done and will truly follow God. Do I feel that these men of ours need to hold themselves accountable to us too? YES!!!!! As the victims in this mess we are to do what God tells us to do, but right now that is to heal ourselves. We cannot heal them. They have to do that work. We are the injured ones. Is he remorseful? Is he trying to do whatever it takes to make you feel cherished? I told my husband yesterday that I still have trouble lying beside him at night. That I don't feel I know him anymore. I understand your wanting to seperate yourself from him a little. I feel like that too. In fact I went on a weekend trip, just me after I found out. It was nice to just be with myself. I know it would be hard seeing as how you have children at home. See if someone could watch them for a day or two so you can get away. I'm not talking about a seperation, just time for yourself. It's hard to think when you are face-to-face with him all the time. You need to be able to cry, scream, throw things, talk to yourself out loud, whatever. You can't do that with everyone around. Believe me, it's unbelievably peaceful. Again, take care of yourself. You can't function, or I couldn't, until I took care of myself. Sometimes all these feelings are too much. It's wonderful that he is finding his way back to God. I too understand the feelings of frustration. I get what you mean about him being happy about his "new me". It's just why hasn't he gotten it before? What makes now so different? How in the world can he be so happy when you feel so brokenhearted and he has caused this mess? You are a much stronger person than I am. 4th time at recovery? Mercy! Like you I will not be made a fool of again. It makes it so hard when you have family to consider. I told my husband the only reason I am staying now is because of our son. He has one more year of high school and I will not allow anything to make him upset. He hasn't a clue. We have a daughter who is married, she hasn't a clue either. He understand though that I will not let him do this to me anymore. I've done a post on here about consequences. Where are my husband's consequences? He says his are that he has hurt me. Sometimes I feel his feelings of remorse are not enough. I feel like, hey you had your fun in the sun but what about the years that I have been a loving, caring wife. Where's the justice? Then I remember, God's justice. He cannot allow his children to mock him. It may not be my form of justice for my husband's adulteries but God knows him better than I do and will deal with him accordingly. I also know that if our husbands are really asking for forgiveness that we must forgive. However like SAM has said we are able to protect ourselves from further harm. We are not to be doormats. I do not trust him but I have to trust God with him. God let me learn about all of this for a reason. I have to trust God to take care of me. What does the future hold, I do not know right now. I get through one day at a time. I do know that my character, my faith in God, and my belief that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, are strong. Sometimes I am so amazed at how calm I can be. Do I get angry? Yes. Yet, I have not "unloaded"on him. That has to be truly God. He knows that he does have to prove himself to me. How long that will take, who knows. He is now having to do the fighting. Fighting for our marriage. I'm just right now at the point that I'm just tired and just want to take care of myself. He has to do whatever is necessary to win my heart back, let alone my trust. All this to say, (long-winded, I'm sorry), you are special, he is lucky to have you, lucky to have his family, he needs to stay on this course correction if he is to keep it. It is his time to not be selfish. I know I keep talking about taking care of yourself but that's important. He should see this as important. The marriage needs to heal not just him. I'm sorry if I sound so anti-sorry about his blithe. I just see our side. The innocents in all of this. I will pray that he is now serious about his walk with God. I pray he will see how much he has hurt you and how much damage he has done. Until he knows this fully and is remorseful and shows it, you will not trust him. It's a case of actions speak louder than words. Because we do not trust their words and for good reason. Here are a few scriptures and a thought from Oswald Chambers that I read over and over.

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you,
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
For I am the Lord your God,
Since you are honored and I love you.
Isaiah 43 1-4

(One of my favorites)

The righteous cry and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted,
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ps. 34:17,18

Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you.....
Ps. 55:22

Lastly, a quote:

"There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all costs, and God will fulfill His purpose through your life." Chambers 11/30 "My Utmost for His Highest"

Sorry so lengthy. I'm still sorting things out too. Believe it or not, you are helping me. Just know you are at the top of my prayer list. Pray for me too. One more thing, do not let ANYONE try to make you feel guilty about any of this. It was always a choice. Their choice. Now our choice is do we want to take a chance and love them. I'm trying and know you are trying too. Like SAM has said, love is a daily choice. RJ

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:54 am Post subject:

I am keeping you in my prayers, RJ. Absolutely!
Last night he came home from Florida. I guess I am counting the time he was gone as my time to cry and scream into my pillow. I can't really get away for two reasons. One is the kids. I babysit for a friend 3 days a week, work - just general responsibilities. The second reason is I am scared I won't come back. I'm scared that it will be an escape.

Last night we took the kids to dinner and played cards with them. After they went to bed we talked and prayed and cried. I can see how much he has changed and a huge part of me is SO happy for him. My husband who was so anti-emotion. He never gets angry or sad or anything. Friendly-but vacant if that makes sense. Then last night he was so emotional. Crying and weeping and then happy and hopeful. I can absolutely see the difference-which makes me sad I feel like I am on the outside of his joy looking in. I went to my room and he went to his. Then about 4am he came and crawled into the little twin bed I am sleeping in. It was sweet. And I found myself giving in to him and then my I get almost like this stabbing pain in my heart and I think about all the stuff I still don't know and I freeze. I know that will fade in time.

Your words really speak to me.
"Sometimes all these feelings are too much. It's wonderful that he is finding his way back to God. I too understand the feelings of frustration. I get what you mean about him being happy about his "new me". It's just why hasn't he gotten it before? What makes now so different? How in the world can he be so happy when you feel so brokenhearted and he has caused this mess?"
As much as it helps me to not feel so alone, I feel so bad that you or anyone else has to go thru this. I've been thinking that the reason I feel like my prayers bounce off the ceiling is childish anger. That dissapoints me about myself. That I could even have the thoughts of "How could God let this happen to me? I was faithful. I was praying and seeking God-couldn't he have given me a heads up that my world was about to crash?" I hate that I have those thoughts. I seriously need to get past that. I'm trying God didn't do this to me-my husband did. God can work all things for his Glory. God's plan has very little to do with what I want or what I think is best and rationally I know that. I hate when my faith feels like it's failing me. I think it's all I have right now.
Thank you for your scriptures and the quote from Oswald Chambers. I printed it up to put in my bible. I will pray for you and your marriage just as I am praying for mine. Thank you, RJ!

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:07 am Post subject:

RJ,

I was reading your other posts and I feel like I know you a little better now. God bless you and keep you. . .You really seem to give and receive some solid guidance on this site.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Good Morning!

Well, today is my anniversary. My husband is celebrating one year of freedom from sexual addiction. It's amazing to me that we can have so many emotions at one time. Happy for him, sad and angry for me. I understand totally when you say, you feel like you're on the outside looking in on his joy. It's like I don't want to stiffle his changing but I don't trust him. Is it real or just a facade? I would love to trust him but there is so much of his past to face and absorb.

One thing I will say is that you need to know the truth of everything. Is it hard? Mercy,Yes! That is just my thinking though. I felt that he needed to come clean with me. Our marriage could not begin to have any hope of healing unless I felt everything was out in the open. I felt I could make certain demands now. I told him that he has to be HONEST with me. I have also told him that when the time is right for me that he will need have a lie detector done. He is willing. I believe that helps keep him on track. You may not want to know everything and I understand that. It's not easy knowing everything. I just wanted it all out. No more secrets. Plus I did not want something else to creep in while I was trying to heal.
Pray to God for strength. I sometimes wonder how I am even still here with this man. I know it is only through my faith in God. I also know it is because I feel my husband realizes what he has and almost lost. He is trying so hard. He just called me to invite me to a "Supper Out", just the two of us. He left me an anniversary card by my coffee cup this morning. He also wants to go away for two days, just escape. It's almost as if my cup runneth over. Then little thougths run through my brain. I find myself pushing those away a little faster each day. One thing I'm having trouble with is what he has done with other women. How he would dance with them to seduce them, buy them drinks, took a shower with some of them, buy them breakfast the next morning, take one on outings with him in front of some other people like they were dating. He took her to the zoo and rafting. Now I cannot even do these things with him. I try to understand sexual addictions but it's hard for me to believe it is like an alcohol or drug addiction, because with those it's chemical. To me the SA is a conscious choice.

Oh, my. I know what you mean about the heads up thing. Why now, why so long? Did I deserve this? I was the decent one. World crashing, yeah, know how that feels. I remember being in the drs. office hearing the words STD and not fully realizing what she was saying to me. I didn't get it until I was face to face with my husband in our kitchen and it sunk in. He was shocked for me to ask him had he ever cheated on me. That's when my world crashed.

All I know is these guys of ours need to do prove themselves to us everyday. We deserve that. I'm praying that time does heal. How much time I do not know. I know it won't be over night. And they cannot expect that. It will require patience on their part. They will want acknowledgement for what they are accomplishing. Is it great? YES!!!! They also need to see our accomplishments too, however small. Sometimes that is just smiling at my husband.

Again so sorry to be so long winded. It's just wonderful to share. Like you, I hate that we are going through this through not fault of our own. Remember GOD WILL SUSTAIN US! Hang on to HIM. Also like you, I sometimes am just hanging onto that.

Am so glad that you both had a sweet moment. Those mean so much, don't they? We'll be alright. With God's help, our marriage will survive and be stronger. Seems a bit of a long shot sometimes, but He's there and will honor our efforts and our husbands efforts too. Take care. RJ

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

First, ladies, I have been there and done that and so much more.

We worry about being made a fool of. Pride is a sin as well as anger. I think the thing that was a real eye-opener for me were the words of 20-something youth pastor who was the one sent to council us. He said, "all sin is sin in God's eyes." I protested and he repeated the phrase. It was incredibly painful for me to look at that and say, man I am a sinner. If all sin is the same then I have no stone to cast.

Can I be hurt by the action of others? Yes! Do I have a right to anger or pride in the face of someone else's actions, no. My greatest duty is to live as Christ taught us and offer grace and mercy as required. We can ask our Heavenly Father to ease our pain when it gets to be too much. What we hold on to is a burden we have not turned over to God. We don't trust him to heal us.

You also need to ask your spouse to really tune into your needs. Develop some way of telling them that it's a day that needs a little more attention. I would suggest that you look for some sort of clue word so that you don't go down the road of reliving the whole period of time again and again. The word backsliding seems to handle both sides of the coin.

As humans we tend to rate sin by the immediate damage done. God has one standard and that is for everyone to keep his commandments. First there were the ones given to Moses, which Jesus upheld and then there were the commandments that Jesus gave his followers just before his execution. Love is what it all boils down to. Love your neighbors Matthew 22:36-40. Love your enemies. Matthew 5:43-48 Love your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13.

Even Jesus said in the last moments, Father if there is anyway you can lift this burden...but then he resigned himself to the necessity of his sacrifice to make the world right again. Luke 22:42-44

It's hard to hear the words of others, when they are not the soothing balm we need. Mother-in-laws and mothers can make statements that can curl your toes. Those are words of man. They only have power if you give it to them. If you leave and cleave those people are outside your immediate sphere of influence.

I don't agree with many here that say things like we need to keep it secret, because so-and-so doesn't want anyone to know. It causes an emotional crisis in the family that is similar to a car with one flat tire. The other tires are rolling along and can't figure out why the car is pulling out of alignment. Pulling over and changing the tire is the only way to get past and get on. Get counseling somewhere and get past the pain.

If your spouse is drawing closer to God, request that they find someone that can help hold them accountable. It needs to be someone they can respect and that they can genuinely talk to. Our church has a men's group that meets early one morning before normal business hours. It's a real boon for all involved to have that extra day of prayer and somewhere that they can hold themselves up to Christ's plan and measure themselves.

Your trust or lack of it will hinder your future relationship with your spouse. In the end of life it will be as nothing, as what you are judged on is how close you follow God's plan, not yours.

j3anjean · Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:54 pm Post subject:

Ouch!

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

You know I ran across an article the other day that said we(the betrayed spouse) need to mourn. It's like we've lost something so dear to us. The trust, the vows, memories, security of believing we are of one flesh, the belief of him being my best friend. At times it is so hard to just diminish these feelings. Sam said that we are not to sweep these feelings under that rug. Deal with them or they will surface. I think that is what I have been doing. (dealing) There are stages we have to go through to get out of the mourning phase. I believe there is victory when we do not stay in mourning. I so want to get to the part where I can love him again, unconditionally. He is trying so hard to win my love back. Please pray for us. I continue to pray for all on this board. Thank you. RJ

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Dear j3anjean, secured & greenwidow,

Thank you for your thoughts and scripture verses.

I, also, am suffering as a result of discovering my husband's adultery. We are working it out and have turned it over to the Lord. The betrayal runs deep and causes me to question EVERYTHING. I know God will see us through.

My heart goes out to each of you and I will pray for you and for your marriages.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((((fishi))))))

I sooooo know what you're talking about with questioning everything. There are almost too many questions you want answers for. I am in the up and down period with all of this. It's been 20 months since D-day. I think I'm doing great and then triggers kick in.

I do want to say welcome to this forum, but I hate the reason that you are here. You are going to find that so many people on here can give such wisdom. It's a place where you can unleash all your fears, questions, thoughts and not be judged or criticized. What I love is that the word of God is used to help us find our way back to sanity. Totally God centered. Everything we know has been shattered, the trust, the security, love, and our delicate views of our marriage.

My heart goes out to you. I have lifted you, your husband , and your marriage up to the Lord. Talk when ever you feel the need. Sometimes just writing it all out helps. It's not easy tallking to someone you know. It is easier talking to strangers. At least it has helped me a great deal. Just know that you are not alone in this. God is amazing. Sometimes when I get so angry when triggers hit, HE equips these people with just the right words and scriptures to ease my broken spirit and soothe my troubled mind.

You will come to treasure this site. It's a wonderful place to start the healing process. -RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

(((secured))) Thank you, SO much for the kind words and the welcome.

I never thought I would be posting to a forum regarding infidelity, but here I am.

A year ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy and then Chemo. My husband's infidelity started about the time I started Chemo. I discovered my husband's infidelity 2/6 of this year. It was totally an accident that I discovered it. What a punch in the gut!

So then all these questions follow:

-Should I have opted for a lumpectomy rather than full removal?

-Why did I go through Chemo? I didn't want to, my husband asked me to because he said he wanted us to have a long life together. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? He wants us to have a long life together and then has an affair?????

-He has asked God, and me, for forgiveness. I have forgiven him. I try not to let my thoughts wander to his affair, but it is hard.

Giving it to the Lord works for me, it is when I wrestle it back that I get in trouble.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 100

Welcome, Fishi

I add my prayers - may the Lord uphold you, comfort you, guide you and protect you. Like you, I never for a minute believed I would need - or find - Growthtrac. I can also confirm that this Forum has been a source of inspiration and direction from the day I discovered my husband was being unfaithful. This Forum is a source of inspiration because it is underpinned by God's Wisdom.

None of us will get through the trials and tribulations of life if we try to rely on our own strength. We will all thrive if we look to the Lord to provide a pattern and plan for our lives from this moment onwards.

Sister - you have been through a huge health challenge and you seem to have approached it with courage and dignity. God bless you, your husband and your union. You will never be alone. We are here for you.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

FHJ - Your words and support bring tears to me eyes.

You are all very special.

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