This is awful

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

(fishi) Gosh, yes thank you for your verses that you have shared. If I had not found the letters he wrote to ow, would he ever have told me? I'll never know, but that God Has the plan all along. And yes it is a sruggle every day to not wonder wnat drew him to ow? I am planning on going back into counseling, just to have help in moving forward. I guess I just want the tears to stop, and yes I know that I can not do this to myself. The post from the husband to his wife was beautiful. God bless your wkend,all

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

JoJo,

I'm still amazed that I found out about my husband's affairs and etc. It had been 26 years since his last physical affair. He still had a problem with porn on the internet and adult porn houses, though. That day in our kitchen when I asked him if he had ever cheated on me, he about dropped to the floor. It was so evident he had because I had a STD. No ifs about it. I was pure on my side of things. He just thought that since he had not done the physical part anymore that maybe he would never have to tell me. God had other plans. Wham, out of the blue! Honestly, I believe God wanted me at a point in my life to where I could overcome it. I also believe that my husband had to be at a point to where God could get his attention and he would listen now. I am glad that my husband is now free from his bondage that has been such a part of his life for so long. It's a long road, this road of and to recovery. It has pot holes the size of Texas sometimes, but, honestly, I'd rather have a pure start as we have now, with no lies, deceit and secrets, than what we were living with for all those years past. Hard, oh yes! We are at least trying to get where God wanted us all along, before my husband took his detour.

Have a wonderful weekend. Take care and have fun, everybody.

-RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Dear Joblom, I think focusing on what you need to do for yourself is a positive thing. I know I didn't figure that out, for myself, for some time. But, once I focused on what I need to do for me and what I need to hear and receive from my husband, things started to turn to the good.

This morning as I was thinking of a Bible verse, I thought of this one (tongue in cheek): Matthew 4:29-30 So if your eye-even if it is you best eye! causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. Better for part of you to be destroyed than for all of you to be cast into hell. And if your hand even your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. Better that than find yourself in hell.

So in jest, the Lorena Bobbitt situation came to mind........Ahem, Father forgive me.

Anyway, Joblom, here is the verse I picked for you:

John 16:23..........whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Oh! Fishi!!!!!!

Mercy that was so funny!!!!!! I couldn't stop laughing for a while. You are a hoot. Laughter is so good for the soul. Haven't laughed like that in a while. I'd almost forgotten how good it felt.

Thanks so much!

-RJ-

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

That is just what I needed. There are so much of the story that my hus has not yet shared with me. I have prayed for the answers frommy hus. I understand that it is hard for him to remember that far back and painful for him, but I guess that is not my concern. He made a choice to leave his family on wkends to spend with ow. Telling me he needed time after a show. Some times you just feel so used and so very navive. HOW COULD i HAVE BEEN SO STUPID. But I need to take care of my self and not expect anything. But I really thank you for the verses. God bless. Jo-jo

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

Jo-jo,
I know just what you mean about feeling naive and stupid. I had a gut feeling for a year and half there was something going on between my husband and the OW, I just kept telling myself I was overreacting. All I had to go on was that they seemed to be attracted to each other - nothing else. I was afraid anything I might say would make me look like a crazy, overly jealous wife and drive a wedge between us. (Pretty ironic, huh??) I made the statement to a relative, after the truth came out, that I had given my husband way too much credit. I knew the OW was coming on to him, I just thought he was strong enough to send her packing. That relative told me I shouldn't blame myself for trusting him; that I had every right to, after all he had vowed to me I could. I realized that was so true. I wasn't stupid, he was! Razz

I think we just have to tell ourselves we did what we could with the information we had. Things happen in God's time. We found out when we should have. In my case, my husband knows, without a shadow of a doubt, he is where he wants to be. You have posted before that you feel you are second choice, but I don't believe that is true. Your husband could have walked at any time and left you for her, but he didn't. We are who our husbands want, they just had to prove it to themselves and find it out the hard way.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Charity, ahh, yes, the feeling of how could I have not seen the signs! I suspect most betrayed spouses ask themselves this question, over and over, I know I did.

After much prayer, I realized that it is not stupid to trust those we love, especially those with whom we have a covenant. We should be able to trust our spouses. It is not foolish or stupidity on our part to have this trust.

Certainly we suffer the pain of betrayal. The thought of how long, if ever, we will trust them again, in my opinion, compounds that pain.

So, dear heart, take refuge in knowing, we all suffer these doubts. I will hold you in my heart and prayers.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Charity, fishi, JoJo,

You ladies have hit it on the head. I wonder about having been so naive. I was so naive for 31 1/2 years. That is a very bitter pill to swallow. I still am having problems with "Do I really even know this man now?" I find I wake up beside him and it makes me shudder to know that all of that was going on and yet I was so oblivious to it. We're working on our marriage but I can't seem to get past that he seems like such a stranger to me at times. I can't equate my husband (the one I trusted for so long) with having done all of these despicable things in his past. How in the world could he live two lives, ya know?

I asked him this weekend what if he had married one of his conquests. How did he think his life would have turned out? He says that he doesn't even want to think about it. He feels that I have saved him from himself. Of course he knows God is really the one who has spared him of that life. He knows that what he has with me is pure. He said he has always known that I was the one for him because of who I am. I still don't get it though. He says that what he did was because of a sexual addiction, not from anything I did or didn't do in our marriage. I still think though that he knew right from wrong. Wasn't my love, or his love for me enough to help him choose the right way? Evidently not. What can I do to change the past? Nothing. Oh, if only. He has so many regrets, as he should. He hates that he has hurt me so very much. I hate it too. It feels like I have the weight of all his fun times (he grimaces when I say this to him) on my shoulders. Through all my pain, I know God is with me and will make justication for it all somehow. I'm still amazed that I found out about it all 26 years later. God does have his own timing on everything. People should not be fooled into thinking they get away with anything, especially those who call themselves children of God.

Do our husbands really deserve a wonderful marriage after all they have done to try and destroy it and us? I would really love to say no to this, but I keep coming back to we all deserve a second chance. If God is truly guiding them back to where they belong, we are wrong to stifle any of it. Hard, yyyyyeeeesssss! I read that we don't have control over the out, just the in, in every situation in our lives. When we follow God's words of how to deal with the in (attitude) the out (world, any problems) becomes easier to handle. We can have the attitude that is of God or of satan. Even though it's hard, meaning it goes against our natural man, ultimately we will be blessed by God for choosing to have the right attitude. In the long run, we the betrayed spouses are so much happier and content. Don't we deserve that? Yes, by all means, yes!!!!!

Sorry so long, just read that yesterday while studying my Sunday School lesson and it just really spoke to me. I've known this but never have put it into action. It means letting go and I am afraid to just let go for fear of it happening again. I have to trust in God over everything, and not in my husband.

Psalm 118:8
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."

Have a great day and know all of you are in my prayers.

-RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

I know we all have to feel the same way about being deceived and betrayed. At times I feel like I am finally making some progress and getting past the hurt, but then, especially in the mornings when I watch my husband getting ready for work, I look at him and wonder how he could have gotten ready all those mornings, kissed me goodbye, knowing he was going to meet her later that day! It's just unbelievable! I can totally relate to what you are saying, RJ, about feeling like he is a stranger I never really knew. I am on such a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I love him so much, I don't know how I could ever live without him, and at others, I think, "Who is this man?" We had always seemed so close. We say things at the same time, can complete each other's sentences - we just seemed to be so in tune to each other. I really thought I knew him. It just makes no sense how it ever came to this, but he has suffered a lot because of his bad choices, and I know he is truly sorry. I firmly believe if he could go back and undo it, he would. I do believe in second chances. I am so glad God not only gives us a second chance, but chance after chance. All we can do is try to follow His example, but as a human, that sure is hard, and I believe Satan works overtime on making it hard. I am so glad God led me to this site where I have understanding and a place to vent. Love you all!

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 10:59 am Post subject:

Matthew 18: 21, 22 NIV

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

The verse you quoted saying that we have to forgive 70 times 7 is one my sister-in-law (my husband's sister) quoted to me. I told her I figure I am already past that if you consider everyday for a year and a half! Laughing

No, I know it isn't literal, but in my mind it was a new sin each day. Each morning he made a decision, but in talking to him about it, I really believe it is as much a mystery to him as it is to me as to how and why he did it. Something that never ceases to amaze me is when I bring up statements he made during and right after the affair, he doesn't even remember most of them. That's good when it was a statement that hurt me, but it's bad when it was one that made me feel better. It's pretty scary to think the devil can get hold of someone to the extent that they don't even remember half of what they said or did, but it's obviously possible or there wouldn't be so much infidelity in the world, especially among Christians. Like others have stated in this forum, my husband would have been the last person anybody would have thought would have gotten involved in something like this. Our sons are grown, and they are just amazed. Our youngest son made the statement that the dad he knew, as soon as he realized what the OW was up to, would have quoted scripture to her and told her to get herself home to her husband and start working on her marriage, and that is so true. I would have thought that would have been exactly what he would have done. Oh, well, it's all water under the bridge now. There is no where to go but forward. I have attached this link under another topic on this forum, but pages 4 through 8 of this article are so interesting regarding the process of self-delusion:
http://www.familydynamics.net/_pdf/Interventiondocument.pdf
It helped me understand the process a little better and to understand that my husband can seriously not remember certain things. I had my doubts about that for a long time.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Charity, Thank you for the link to family dynamics. A very interesting read.

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:13 am Post subject:

I read it too and it does clarify a lot of things. Thank you!

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Just finished printing the article, and I did read some of it. The 1st phrase - rationalization, I can see my hus feeling that way. But maybe I will always have this ? of why? I still want him to come to me with his story. He has told me he is praying for allthe answers to my?? It is as if he has blocked it all out- or is that just a line? Had a birthday, and the gifts he gave to me were none of a personal nature, no flowers. I just have a hard time beleiving the words he writes in a card. I still can not tell him I love him. will those feelings come back ? I thank you all for your encouragement and the verses. God bless jo-jo

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Jo-jo, I had composed a response to your last post and *poof* it was gone when I hit submit. Oh, well.

I understand your need to hear the truth from your H. My take on it was, I already know the very worst, the betrayal, so how hard can it be to tell me the truth?!?! Well, it was extremely hard for my H to tell me the truth. As I watched him, it was like watching him rip it from his chest. It came in spurts and involved issues back to his childhood. As much as we need to hear the truth in order to start to build the trust, it may be extremely painful for them to tell us. The truth may involve more than we could possibly know, until they tell us.

Jo-jo, I too will pray that your husband come to you with the truth. I will pray that you have the grace and strength to hear it.

I try hard not to think about this, as much as possible. I still wonder, "How can I respect him, ever? How can I trust him, ever?

The verse that got me through today: Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."

PS. Jo-jo, Perhaps, when you find things you like in a catalog, etc. rip out the pictures and keep them in a file or drawer and when holidays and B-days are near, circle those you still like and give them to H, or hang them on the frig with a big "Hint, Hint" sticker. Maybe that will help?

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