This is awful

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((fishi)))))

I'm glad you came back. We understand what you are saying about the salt in the wound comment. Just know that we are right along there with you. I've realized that for me since I have to go through this vale of tears, I need to have the thoughts, comments, and understanding of people facing the same fears, pain and frustrations that I have. That way I do not feel so secluded in my insanities. For me, facing the pain day by day, minute by minute, second by second helps me to get to the point where I just get so fed up with it consuming my life. First God, but others here have helped me to see that I have a choice as to whether I allow this to defeat me. It's wonderful when someone talks or comments on something that has entered my mind. I need to see how others are combating their negative thoughts that are so like my own. What I find so amazing is that people on this site, who are consumed with their own misery, will still take time to send an encouraging word or two. Deep down that helps everyone involved.

All of this to say, dear sister, is yes, coming to this site is a painful reminder. Every time I click into "Infidelity", I cringe inside. I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve to be here. I hate that what put me here was my own husband. The one who was suppose to not ever hurt me like this. EVER! But here I sit, typing to strangers, who like me are trying to make sense of all this dire havoc in our lives. We are trying to salvage what is left and press on. I may not want to be here but I'm glad God led me here.

-RJ-

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

God bless you for your words, everything you shared I concur. When the bad stuff comes into my mind, I pray the Lords Prayer over and over. It moves me beyound. I still keep asking why? Even to the point, maybe the other person is the one he should be with, because he kept going back to her. And then ,wait he is here not with her. How do you get over the feeling of being 2nd choice? I question everything he tells me. At the end of the day it is still my choice to move forward and not to lose myself in self-pity. Knowing that God does not want this marriage to fail. I have to allow God to continue to work in my life and God to work in my spouse. And to give him the answeres to ?? And knowing how others get thru each day helps. God" blessings.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

I agree. I try to stay away from the forum thinking I just need to quit dwelling on all this and get on with my life, but I'm just not able to do that yet. You people are my lifeline. Hearing how you all are coping helps me to know that I will survive. It's amazing how people I have never met and probably wil never meet have become so important to me. I read something yesterday that I would like to share with you all that helped me and may help you in answering the questions, "Why" or "How could he do this to me". The following was written by Anne Bercht who wrote the book, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing that Happened to Me." It is a very good book.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Thank you for your encouragememt- it helps. You have hit it all on the nail. My husband went with ow before he meet me-she wanted to marry him, but they were of a different faith. She went with someone else, came back to him and sais she was pregnant. He did not beleive it was his-she married the other guy. He told me he thought of her off and on, always wondering if the child was his. They were from the same town. My hus traveled alot, knew where she had moved to, called her, started a 5-6 yrs affair. At least that is his story. I feel by reading his letters ( he had copies that he kept, Ifound them) that he might have always kept in touch with her. If you were to ask anyone about hus-they would tell you never in a million yrs, would he be that man. My hus tells me that he has always loved me and was happy. To this day he can not explain to me why he did what he did. I know he prays for anwers to my ?? He is a good person and has new relationship with our heavenly Father. But it does not stop the pain.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

The reason WHY our husbands have had affairs or are gripped by porn is not about us. It is not about us being second choices, etc. If they wanted a different wife, they would not have kept their dealings in the dark.

I don't need to know the details. The reason I don't need to know is that the details are the work of Satan. If we know them, read them over and over, or obsess about them, we are spending our energy negatively. There isn't a "reason" that is justified. Our husbands didn't establish the appropriate boundaries and this is the consequence.

It is the work of Satan. Our husbands have chosen not to be chaste in thought, in word and deed. Slowly (or quickly) they have let their eyes linger too long or flirted, or whatever. I get it, really I do. It must feel good, for a fleeting moment, to have a wonderful marriage with someone who trusts you and be able to enjoy yourself with another.

Our husbands are selfish, pure and simply. They now have choices to continue in their worldly way, or honor God, and their covenant by learning to be chaste.

We can not force them, or bring them to this conclusion, it isn't about us. The decision our husbands need to make, rests entirely with them. We can pray and do what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

Having just read the last post, I was reminded of what my counselor shared with me. We are different in how we deal with an affair, some leave, some choose to stay and work it out. But the one thing she stressed was the offender needs to be open and honest. Answering all ?? Even the Christian books I have read have bascially said the same thing. No, any answers they give was not excuse to do what they did. But if it helps at all to hear whaat they feel drove them to make that choice, when ow is not right in front of them, but thousands miles away. The book ' Torn Asunder' is a very good book. And yes I understand there many who do not want know the why.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 100

I was asked to share my testimony at church earlier this year and, as a result, have now been asked to do so again at a women's fellowship meeting. I prayerfully considered these requests and handed the decision to God. He has convicted me to go ahead, BUT without making any reference to my husband's 'battles'.

I am quite nervous about speaking to a group, in case I say anything that alludes to my husband's transgressions, or damages his reputation. When the time comes, I truly feel the calmness of the Holy Spirit washing over me. I find I am able to share the deep joy of being born again as a child of God, the rich blessings of being welcomed into His house and the eternal hope that accompanies salvation. Those who hear it seem to be greatly encouraged by my testimony, but I'm positive God uses these occasions to encourage me too - and to remind me of my responsibilities as a missionary's wife!

I have selected a praise song to illustrate my testimony. Here are the lyrics:

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Each of us handle being devastated in different ways. How I am handling my situation may not be what someone else would do. That's all right. I just know that each of us are in pain and managing the best we can. Our spouses also have an effect on how we cope. My H. is trying to live right by God and by me. I'm the type of person who needs to try and understand the best way I can, to try to make some sense of something that really can not be understood.

All I know is, I need God to cope. Satan tells me that I could destroy this husband of mine. That I should because I have a right to. Divorce him. Let his children know of his terrible past. What he has done to our marriage. Let his parents know that their son has slept with several women, given me a STD, the porn and adult porn houses. It would devastate his mom, his daughter, his son, and thereby I could ruin him. I can't. If he is truly repentant, I cannot stand in God's way to bring him back to restoration. If he is truly repentant then he is feeling so remorseful on his own. I would not want to have his multitude of regrets. I have made the decision (with God's help) to stay in this marriage. Does that mean I don't want my questions answered? No. I need him to now be honest with me in every way. Without honesty, there can never be any trust built as far as I am concerned. I had lived with 31 1/2 years of lies and deceit. I will no longer allow that in my life, period. We've just really started on this journey. We don't know what's ahead. God knows, though. We have to rely on God to point us in the right direction and hold our hands the whole way. God is with me, but, I also know that HE understands my feelings of uncertainty at times.

I told a friend of mine today that I feel like a child who has lost her way. So confused and unsure when weak thoughts assail my mind. Do my moments of anxiety, grief, and jumbled thoughts make me less HIS child? No way!!!! He recognizes that we are weak when we are loaded down with the cares of this world. What HE does is offer a place to rest in HIM. Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give
you rest. Take My yoke upon you , and learn from Me, for I am
gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR
SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My load is light."

When the valley times come, I hang on to these verses and find my resting place. My prayer for each of you is that you find your resting place in the Lord. -RJ-

fire chief · Newbie Joined: 20 Feb 2008 Posts: 1

(I wish your husband could read this. What a tribute to how much you love God, your husband, and value your marriage.

I know of no one who could have said this more beautifully. You say this while in the thros of your own healing. I am inspired by your faith in God. Your husband is one lucky fella.)

I can not express enough how very lucky of a fella I am to have a wife that I do not deserve, someone who I have dissrespected and disshonered by my unfaithfullness. When you live of the world and of sin you do not see the clouds through the trees, I always thought the grass was greener on the other side riding the fence was a nice place to be. There is no other side!!! The side I have with my wife and new found faith in the Lord is the best I could ask for.

I know through Gods love and forgiveness, counsiling, new involvement in church, new friends, and lots of hard work on everyones part, we will make it. It will not be easy (good days, and bad) we cannot fix the past, but only learn from it and change the future.

I LOVE YOU JEANNIE !!! Thank You for sticking with me and being the solid rock and godly women that you are.

Your Husband.
Derek

[/quote]

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

fire chief,

Your expression of admiration, gratitude, and affection for Jeannie was just so lovely. She truly is a masterpiece. I have come to cherish her as a friend, as well as my sister in Christ. My husband too is on his own road to recovery. You're right, it's not a smooth easy road,( full of ups and downs) but with God's strength and guidance, we will defeat satan's attack on our marriages. We can prevail.

May God continue to bless our journeys forward.

Dearest Jeannie, what a tribute of love to you. Restoration is such a wonderful gift from God, isn't it.

-RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:28 am Post subject:

Wow! Just wow! I am speechless! (for anyone who knows me...that's rare!) I am printing this up and framing it. Thank you, Derek. I needed this today.

143
Jeannie

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

WOW! (((Jeannie & Dereck))) What a blessing you are to all of us that are going through our trials. I thank you for sharing this. It stilled my aching heart.

Regarding my post yesterday, I am sorry that it came across that I was telling anyone how they should heal or what they should know or do to heal.

What I was trying to convey (obviously I didn't do that) was support for Joblom. When people are "caught" having an affair, they say things they don't necessarily mean. In some cases they say things to deflect the attention of their infidelity from themselves to the betrayed spouse. Then the betrayed spouse feels even more insecure and begins to ruminate, "What did I do wrong?, What could I have done different?", How is the affair partner different, better than, etc. from me?, What did they do together that is different from what we do together?" and on and on. Been there.

It was liberating for me to understand that infidelity was not my doing. Regardless of the state of the marriage (and I thought ours was a good one), the responsibility and consequences of infidelity reside with the spouse that committed the act.

Doesn't mean that we as betrayed spouse don't have alot of pain to work through or marriage work to do.

Again, my apologies to all for coming across as knowing what others should do to heal. I truly was just trying to give Joblom support.

My verse for today comes from Romans 13:12-14 ..........So quite the evil deeds of darkness and put on the armor of right living, as we who live in the daylight should! Be decent and true in everything you do so that all can approve your behavior. Don't spend your time in wild parties and getting drunk or in adultery and lust, or fighting, or jealousy. But ask the Lord Jesus Christ to help you live as you should, and don't make plans to enjoy evil.

.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((fishi)))))

Didn't think that for a moment, girl. As we all know everyone has to find the way God is leading them. I agree wholeheartedly with you. Your right when you say that the betraying spouse is and should be held totally accountable for their behavior.

Thank you so much for your insights. I appreciate the verses you have typed today. If only the betraying spouses could have read these verses earlier.

Luv ya, -RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

RJ, Thanks for the love. Gentle hugs to you!

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Just a quick driveby to let you all know how grateful I am for your postings and support.

Phillipines 1:3 I thank my God very time I remember you.

Thank you for lifting me up in prayer and challenging me to walk in the way of The Lord. I wish you a blessed day.

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