This is awful

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((Jeannie))))

O-U-C-H!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Smile

I know and believe everything you have written. I know I am also my own worst enemy. I'm afraid quite frankly, that I am still feeling rather sorry for myself. It's the old "why me" crutch. Do you ever have days of this sort?

I can honestly say that I have treated my husband with kindness. I'm distant sometimes, which he fully understands, but I've not shown real anger towards him. My anger, I'm afraid, has shown up in my typing. I'm so sorry but I've needed to unleash these feelings, these thoughts in some way. It's like needing to vent so I don't explode on him. I don't want to explode on him because he is dealing with what he has done and is living with so many regrets.

I've thought about keeping a journal. It's just that I adore this site because I get wonderful feedback. All of you help me to stay focused on what's really important.

My husband knows about Growthtrac. He is very thankful that I have an outlet. He understands that he cannot help me in dealing with the uncertainties that arise at times. Even though he wants to in any way that he can. That's why I turn to all of you. Believe me, I know my God is there for me. I just need the understanding and nuturing of people walking down the same path as I am.

Is that a book called "The Wounded Woman"? I've not heard of that one before. I would love to read it.

Thank you again for caring enough to respond. Forgive me for all my outbursts. I'm just thankful I'm not a cursing type of woman. Very Happy

Luv ya'll lots, -RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

RJ,
I understand totally. The Bible tells us to "be angry and sin not". I believe that is what you are doing. You are angry (and really maybe not so much angry as hurt) but you don't want to take it out on your husband. This is the perfect place for that, plus if you think about the Old Testament, God got really upset with people who were unfaithful to him. Look what happened to the people during Noah's day, and then the Israelites, only two finally entered the Promised Land, and Sodom & Gomorrah. In the New Testament Jesus overthrew the tables of the money changers in the Temple. God expects faithfulness. The Bible says he is a jealous God. Of course we aren't on the same level with God, so we can't go out and destroy people, but I believe we had a right to expect faithfulness from our husbands since they made a covenant with us before God. Just because we still struggle with our emotions doesn't necessarily mean we haven't forgiven. We have suffered horrible pain, and sometimes we just need to vent in order to deal with the pain. I believe this forum is a healthy way to do that, plus like you said, we get godly wisdom and insight from others as well.

One thing I try to remember when I am thinking "why me?" is how the apostles were persecuted in the New Testament. If they were going around doing good and preaching The Word but were still being mistreated and suffering, who am I to think I shouldn't? The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust. It also tells us we will have tribulations. I just try to tell myself I am no better than anybody else and everybody has some kind of burden to bear. We were never promised a rose garden here on earth, but the good news is, this is all temporary. Heaven will be worth it all.

A friend of mine gave me the book, "The Wounded Woman", it is very good.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Ya know, Charity1, you're absolutely right. I'm not really angry, just hurting. It's all these questions that come to my mind that I feel I need answers to. Validation, if you will, that I'm going in the right direction in spite of all this upheaval in my life. I've always enjoyed my calm existence. (Well, I thought it was calm.) Quite frankly I loved my rut. It was safe. Sure hated being pushed out of my comfort zone. Don't we all!

I will say that I do notice the difference in me since I first posted on this site. I don't have as many nightmares as I use to. I don't feel as keyed up inside. I find myself laughing more. I was always one for laughing and being positive. I still have a ways to go yet, as we all do. But my life doesn't seem as dismal, and I don't feel so secluded anymore.

Keeping everybody in prayer and thanking God for his tender mercies.
-RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:35 am Post subject:

((((RJ))))
Ah what a busy weekend! I am whipped! I hope everyone had a lovely Easter weekend. Friday we got abou 14 inches of snow. Just in time for my son's Saturday Bar-B-Que and birthday party! I have a goat who is about to deliver her kids and was checking on her every 1/2 hour all weekend. Luckily we had Easter dinner at my husband's Aunt & Uncle's so I only had to make bread and salad. It was a busy weekend but very nice.

I remember early on in my marriage, during the first 5 years or so, I kept a journal. I loved my journal and that was my place to vent. I would have so much 'garbage' in my head and it was a huge relief to be able to write it all down and get it out of my head. It was a wonderful way to clear the cobwebs and bad thoughts and see the whole picture. Well my dear husband read my journal. Talk about ouch! He used everything he read against me in our arguements. There were things in there like "I wonder why I ever got married" and other incriminating thoughts. He used those words to justify his actions. It took a long time to convince him that those thoughts were more like flashes and not real concrete things. Either way, I only keep a prayer journal from time to time and I vent here. He reads this forum and has even wanted to post here, but he says it seems to be all women (NOT!) and he isn't comfortable. I guess knowing he reads my words from time to time keeps keeps what I post in check. It does keep me honest though Smile

This site is amazing for feedback! I know there are people praying for me as I do for them and I can honestly say I feel the result and power of those prayers. We all need a place to vent, a time to feel like our walk is not alone. I have plenty of outbursts too and when I really start to slide I move towards depression-which is just anger turned on myself. I'm right there with you RJ. Trust me.

I still have "why me??" flashes. Not so much whole days -which have a tendancy to turn into weeks! I just had one earlier today listening to the radio. The pain is still there but more like a twinge now than the crippling grief I had before. I'm also SO scared that this will happen again and I will be just as blissfully unaware as I have always been. Something still just wants to know why. I put such a huge value on my marital intimacy that I cannot see how he could not feel anything for this other woman, how he could risk everything for something cheap and physical. My earlier life as a non-christian explains a lot of that, though. Since his return to faith has been fairly recent, I guess it explains it for him, as well.

I hope my other posting wasn't too harsh. I just know we are all trying to grow an dmove forward and heal. I miss my comfortably ignorant state but we can't go back, can we?

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Hi!

One thing I know all of us realize, is that when we post here, we will get other's thoughts and opinions. We cannot be afraid to voice them. We never know how God will use our words to help someone. Have ya'll ever noticed how many people view but do not post? I was one of those too for quite a while. I had to see if this site was really real. I believe that not all word from God is always to be candy-coated. That sometimes it can be a bitter pill to swallow. That's what makes our humanness stand up and take notice. I do believe however that ALL is said with love.

Do not think for one second that I ever viewed your post as harsh, Jeannie. No way! I took it for how it was sent. Truth, spoken in love! I always pray before I post so that whatever I do say comes from the heart and not my mind. Especially these days, when my mind sometimes is not the most righteous place to be. Laughing

What I do find amazing is how alike some of us are in our journeys. Yes, there are differences, but the feelings and thoughts are basically the same. How God led me to this site at this particular time of my life is a miracle in and of itself. A few months ago I did not even know this safe haven existed. I marvel that I can voice hurts, uncertainties, any and all thoughts that still assail and bewilder my mind. Then I get honest and heartfelt encouragement from people who are just about at the same stage of my own voyage. I also love that I am not judged for my weak moments, which by the way are lessening. Very Happy

Thanks be to God first and foremost, thanks to my husband for finally realizing (with God's help) that he needs to live a life of purity and thankfulness, and to all of you for taking the time and effort to comfort a sister in Christ.

Mercy, it's a splendid day outside. Think I'll go play in my flowerbeds for awhile. Need to pull weeds out of there as well as out of my mind. Wink

-RJ-

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 29

it is not you.

it is him.

the number of affairs show you that. The natural boundary is broken and once broken, it becomes easier and easier to cross.

How about an update?

I wish you would run far from him and find someone worthy of your love.

Habits before marriage follow right into marriage. Habits in 1 state follow into another. You deserve better.

Funny how politicians ask us to trust them when their own familes cannot yet scream, "that is my personal life!".

what a standard....

j3anjean · Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 12:16 pm Post subject:

Empty Shell of a Man, I can read between the lines how very much you are hurting. I've read thru some of your posts and feel like I understand a bit. A spouse's unfaithfulness causes us to review every detail, every conversation, every gesture in our spouses history looking for clues or deception or explanations...anything. I know that there is frequently a soundtrack in my head, playing a dvd on the rewind button looking for the part that I missed.

When I read your post it sort of stunned me. Every reply I have received here has been so positive. This is the first time I have read anything about leaving my marriage. I felt sort of scared when I read it.

So, I don't know if the comment was specifically meant for me but I do have a reply.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((Jeannie)))))

I wish your husband could read this. What a tribute to how much you love God, your husband, and value your marriage.

I know of no one who could have said this more beautifully. You say this while in the thros of your own healing. I am inspired by your faith in God. Your husband is one lucky fella.

Shell of a Man, please know that we continue to pray for you and your wife. Please understand that although our husbands have had several affairs; we believe that God can change them and make them whole again. If not, then what was the point of Christ Jesus being crucified. Does that mean they do not have to make the effort to live a more blameless type of life? No way. It means they have reached the point of brokeness. finally. Sometimes people are so taken over by this evilness that they are blinded. So blinded that God has to reveal their wickedness with consequences. Unfortunately, there are those who choose to not listen to God's will for them. They will not live a happy, fruitful life. I believe though that people who have fallen (even several times)and then give true heartfelt repentance to God and spouse, they can be restored.
I'm reminded of the story of the prodigal son.

Have a great weekend everyone!

-RJ-

softy7 · Newbie Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 16

Wow Jeanie. Your statement represents Christ's love for His Church and the godly woman I pray that God is molding me into. Still not there yet!!! I thank the Lord that He has lead me to such an inspiring Forum. I thank Him for the wisdom He has made available to me. Matt 7:7, Luke 11:9

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:40 am Post subject: Just an update

Hello, everyone!! I am TIRED. Welcome, Spring! Yesterday, my husband brought home 2 lambs and a calf (all bottle babies in the process of weaning) I found out that my lambs think they are lap pets and are only quiet and content when they can be in my arms.

Just an update. My sweet husband had his first appointment with a Christian counselor yesterday. He had been to a secular, 'work referral' ounselor initially and said he needed something faith based. His insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling, but it does cover individual counseling even when you bring someone else into your counseling session. So, we are taking that route.

No real news. The first appointment is kind of a get-to-know-ya session. He invited me to come to the next session or come sometime to sit in and talk. I intend to do that, but not immediately. I know we have a lot to work out. There is a lot to address that we don't ackowledge. A sort of elephant in the living room that we all politely do not comment on. I want him to take the lead, the responsibility for his sin and I don't want the counseling focus to swing to me and my hurts. Counseling is a lot like triage at a hospital and the counselor will address the pain first, and maybe not the more important, underlying issues. In time I will go with him, but I pray for him to use this time to make some progress. God will lift me from the mire. I have no doubt.

I am taking this from the Proverbs 31 Daily Devotional website, by Suzanne Scheppmann:

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:01 pm Post subject:

Hello, Softy7. We are definitely on the right path. I know God uses all these things to refine us. I know He can see the end result so we must be worth the trouble, right? I am slipping and sliding and trying to grasp God's will for me. I think we all are. Not an easy path but the only one that I want to be on. God bless you!

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Hello, to everyone. I have stayed away for awhile as coming here reminded me of my pain. It was like salt in the wound. Thank you to each and all of you for your postings.

To "Empty Shell", yes, the Bible allows a betrayed spouse to divorce. You can do that, anytime, it is your right.

Many of us here have spouses that are filled with a sexual sickness, even though they be Christians. This sickness is the work of Satan! Satan already has his hand on our spouse and is trying to get his hand on us through our spouses.

What we must guard against, most fervently, is Satan. For some of us that will mean we remain in our marriage and help our spouse with their struggle with Satan. For others of us, we may know the battle is futile and we must leave our marriage so as not to come under Satan's control, ourselves.

I pray for all of us. Empty Shell, my prayer for you is that you can discern whether leaving your marriage is what God wants for you.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 114

Fishi

I was thinking of you today and wondering how things were going for you - then you post after being quiet for a while! I do hope all is well with you and that your H is winning his own battle, because of your support and God's amazing grace.

God bless you. Smile

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Thanks FHJ!! I have been up and down,........ mostly down.

It is very clear to me that spouses who have affairs have no respect for their marriage. Spouses who have multiple sexual liasons are ill. There behavior is a symptom of their illness. This truly is the work of Satan, no doubt in my mind.

We'll take it a day at a time. I don't have any clear answers yet other than I understand what is going on and I know we need to working to remove Satan from our marriage. If we are able to do that, then the work begins. If we aren't able to remove Satan, then I have my work cut out for me.

I can only hope God's Grace and Mercy wil protect us.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 62 Location: Mn.

So many women going thru all this pain and rejection. Our pastor spoke on the choices we make. By not being in God's word daily living according to his commands, we will be in his office at some time asking for help and the why of it all. So true. I have read all the posts and Sam"s advice. It takes time to recover and to start over, rebuilding. And that with God"s help, it can be better then before. My ?? s are how do you love that person again after he has rejected you for someone else? He at sometime wanted that other person so much and was willing to risk his family for other person? Someone who he loved before he met me. Do you ever get over a first love. ? I take it a day at a time. And pray daily for God to give me the love that I need to have . Pray that God helps me to beleive my husband when he tells me he loves me. That is the hard part. It is always the words That I read he wrote to other person that come into my head. It is the pain you feel when you wake up in the middle of the night. I know God is holding me in his hands and my spouse is working hard to grow in his walk.

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