This is awful

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 11:02 am Post subject:

Hello fishi.
It's good to hear from you and I hope you are doing well. You are right. I know God says he won't give us more than we can endure. As the old saying goes, I just wish he didn't trust my strength quite so much.

This isn't my best week and I am struggling. Really getting depressed here and my prayers are once again bouncing off the ceiling. The silly thing is that the depression makes me ok with that. I don't want any answers right now. My husband asked me what he could do to help and I said for him to leave me alone. That's what I really want-to just curl up inside my shell and be alone. I'm tired of crying in the shower. I want to just grieve and be alone to do it. No more platitude answers. No more sweet sentiments. I saw this prayer online and I just sobbed.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

J3an, my heart go out to you. I know your feeling and I don't suffer from depression, so I can only imagine how deep your pain is.

I think the fact that your H asks what he can do to help is encouraging. I do understand your wishes to just be left along, too.

I've learned that sometimes the person offering help needs me to accept their assistance more than I need or want it for myself. Sometimes, the blessing will be to the giver more than to the receiver.

I will hold you in my prayers.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 114

J3anjean

I read Psalm 71 today and you came to mind. The psalmist's plea to God could have been written for your (and our) personal encouragement at this time. "Be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually....."

Always remember that God is our hope, our trust and - significantly - our sanctuary from the storms of life. As you face this latest storm, know that you can rely on God's strength when you feel weak. Hand your stress and brokeness to Him and accept His peace.

I'm lifting you up in prayer.

j3anjean

Thank you for your prayers.

Yesterday I took my oldest son (14) to guitar practice and the youngest (10) to a friends house to play and I went home and cried for a good 2 hours. I prayed a lot and I told God I was angry. I was angry that no one loved me enough to protect me, including Him. I know God knows what is in our heart so I was honest with Him. No revelations or peace. I guess I was too low in the valley for that. Too cautious to accept it at this point.

My husband wanted to watch some video a friend gave him last night about building a loving marriage but I didn't want to. I said that I knew life has no rewind button but that 3 months ago I was totally happy. His affair didn't alter my happiness and peace of mind because I was oblivious. And he seemed more confidant during the affair. I told him that I loved him but I didn't believe he was capable of being faithful. He never has been and for heaven's sake, we haven't even hit his "midlife crisis" yet. He is only 33. Wait for his looks and confidance to start fading and we'll be back in the same boat. I told him that if we went to an open marriage that at least I wouldn't get hurt again. I don't want anyone else. I just want what I had before-peaceful oblivion. -and then I wouldn't feel like I have to check up on him. He wouldn't have to hide anything or lie to me. Of course he says he doesn't want that. But he has said that before. He says he is a new man, born again in Christ and wants to be a good husband. I just can't bear to get my hopes up again. I can't stand any more empty promises. They are killing me.

Then I told him that maybe God used my pain as a tool to get thru to him. A tool to open the treasure box. I have always felt that my husband had the potential to be a wonderful Christian-in every other aspect he is an amazing man. He is a magnet for people. Everyone looks to him for care and advice. He is a leader. And ultimately, the treasure gets taken to the "kingdom" but the tool gets put in the shed. It's a hurtful thought, but sort of rings true today.

I know I am down this week and not thinking very clearly. This weekend is going to be tough.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Dearest ((((Jeannie)))), ((((Fishi)))),((((FaithHopeandJoy)))),((((Charity)))),

Is it wrong to say I missed talking with you ladies while I was gone? I have come to rely on all of you to keep me grounded. It's like talking to oneself and getting real feelings and advice back. Does that make sense?

Really enjoyed the time away with the kiddos. My husband had already been gone a week prior to us leaving, so it added up to being apart 2 weeks. Needless to say he was ready for us to come home.

Wow, Jeannie!!!!! You have been through it, girl. Isn't it amazing how you survived all of that? You will also survive this. Don't you just hate those valleys. Satan would just love to keep us there. We have to remember, WE DON'T BELONG THERE!!!!!! I do feel, though that sometimes we do need to allow ourselves to mourn for what we have lost. We just can't stay at that level all the time. I find I have bearable days more and more. Does that mean I don't fall into a valley now and then? No way.

Take for instance, the story on t.v. right now about the govenor of N.Y. My daughter could not believe that his wife could stand by his side after having been deceived by him for 10 years. And here I am, her mother, staying with her dad, after having been deceived by him for over 30 something years. Neither one of the kids know of his actions. I wonder how she would view me if she knew the truth. She says that she could never trust a man who could do that. She also believes that he (the man) after so many years of deceiving could not really just change and deceive no more. You know that old saying, Once a cheater always a cheater. That made me think about the fact that while I can forgive my husband I still (for my own sake and sanity) cannot fully trust him with my heart right now. It's only been a year. I need more proof after his actions for more than 30 years. Is this wrong? Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. I myself cannot just walk through this blind anymore. I'm glad he's trying so hard. But he was caught by God allowing certain things to come to light. He did not just confess on his own. That bothers me still.

I get so tired of the up and down days. Know all of you do too. That quote about not pretending any more really hit between the eyes. I remember those days so vividly. Isn't it wonderful to know that even when we fall so hard, we are still landing on Him? Our soft haven. We are still having our two steps forward, one step back days. That's ok, it's normal. Soon, we'll have three steps forward, only 1/2 step back. Then with God's help no steps back at all. Oh, glorious day! I wonder where we will be one year from today. Oops, trying to rush things again. Still bad about that.

All of you have a great weekend and take care of yourselves. Have fun somehow! That's important. Luv ya'll, -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 11:29 am Post subject:

Today is a good day. I have spent more time in prayer lately. I am reading that book. "Sacred Marriage" WOW. If you haven't read it, you should. It really is hitting home with me right now and where I am on my walk with God. As I read that book, things I have read on this forum pop into my mind and I stop and take a moment to pray for each and everyone of you (and me) that what we are going thru refines us into what God wants us to be. The writer, Gary Thomas had an interesting line in this book that really hit me. It had to do with the 1 Corinthians 7:1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. Gary Thomas writes that if you want to serve Christ, it is good not to marry, but if you want to be more like Christ there is no better "training" in the world than marriage. Where else can you get the crash course in faithfulness, forgiveness, extending grace, love, etc.? I know that isn't an exact quote, but you get the gist of it.

I could feel something I can only describe as Satan digging at my brain today - Pushing me towards thoughts I am working hard not to have. I was trying to do my makeup before work. I was thinking of a movie I rented that my kids and I went to see together and my husband had to miss. My kids have been dying for him to see this movie. I was recalling how we all had plans to go out that night and at the last minute he got a phone call and suddenly didn't feel very much like going. He deliberatly picked a fight out of nowhere so he could get out of our "family date." Well I said a prayer and said "God I am trying to move forward. I need to not think about this. I have chosen to forgive these actions and I will not continue to dwell on these thoughts. Help me." Then I went and snuggled with my husband who was still sleeping and said, " I need you to pray for me today. I need to stay focused on our goal." He said he would and later that morning, he forwarded me an email that was a "Growthtrac Marriage Minute" Check this out :

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 62 Location: Mn.

I have not posted in awhile, but have read alot of the others. My feelings about my husband are still so mixed up in my head. When I have the down days Iwhich Satan wants) I pray the Lords prayer many times.Have read all the books out there, am still praying that my husband someday will tell me his story. Also am praying that God will restore my love for him. Also my two kids do not know, so every time there is a story in the news, it is pain ful . Take care and God bless

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((Joblom 1))))

Certainly understand about feelings being so mixed up. It's crazy to feel anger, sadness, loss, betrayed, humiliation, shock, ultimate pain, feeling like a fool, naive, stupid,(have I left anything out?) all at the same time. I think that makes all of this so hard to handle sometimes. Too much all at once hammering on us. Too much emotion going on inside. It's almost like we will explode if we don't let some of this stress out. That's why I adore this site. I can explode silently. This site is healthy. Almost as good as a swedish massage. Wink

Way to go Jeannie! Know that must have been such an uplifting moment for you. God is soooo good to use our fellows to show us His mercy and love. Don't ya just love those inputs of miracles at just the right time.

Today has been a mountain-top day. Very Happy

I thank the Lord for my prayer warriors. May God bless all of you and give you immeasurable peace. -RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

I am just now getting a chance to catch up on the posts. The one by J3anjean last Thursday really brought back memories
.
[Lord I give up. I am not even going to pretend to be brave because I am actually totally broken. I give up. I don’t want this anymore. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. My heart is completely shattered. ] (Sorry, I haven't learned to use the tools on here yet so I didn't know how to put this quote in a box.)

It was when I prayed basically this same prayer that I started really healing. I think we have to admit to God that this is bigger than we are and truly depend on Him for strength in order to be able to move on. It has been a year for me now, and it is amazing since I prayed that prayer how my life has changed. I still have the ups and downs talked about so much on this site, but overall I really believe I am a stronger, more confident person than I've ever been. My husband and I have been praying together every night before going to sleep, and I think that has helped us tremendously. You can't help but grow closer when God is holding you together. My husband has never been one to open up about his thoughts and feelings, but he is working on that. He realizes that if he had opened up to me all of this pain might have been avoided. Anyway, we had a very good talk the other night before going to sleep. I told him about a trigger I had had and told him the devil gets in my head and makes me miserable sometimes. I asked him if he feels like the devil gets in his head like that, and he said, oh yes, that every time he starts to feel happy the devil tells him not to get too happy because it won't last. He tells him I will come to my senses one day and realize I don't have to do this. I don't have to put up with him or work on our marriage. It was such a relief to know that the days when he is quiet and seems down that he is afraid of losing me and not having thoughts of missing her like I had been fearing. I think it was also a relief to him to find out that when I'm quiet and a little more distant that I am not thinking about giving up. The devil wants us to believe the worst and assume we know our spouse's mind and heart when in reality we can't unless we communicate with them.

Thank all of you for being here and praying for me. I pray for all of you too.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

I need to ask you ladies a question.

Are any of you in the situation that I find myself in? I hope I word this right. Since I have been handling this whole situation relatively calm-like, should I worry that my husband doesn't really get how hurt I am? He seems to. I just don't want him to become complacent for a moment. He is very grievous, constantly shows his love and his understanding through his actions as well as words. I know that my calmness is totally from God, but sometimes, I'm just amazed. I know God allows us to be angry, but just to not let it get the better of us. So why, given everything my husband has done to me and our marriage, am I not more mad, upset, carrying on, you know, just go off on him sometimes. So puzzling. I know about God and his amazing strength that he gives when we ask for it, but mercy. Do you think I am still in shock after 19 months? Gosh, I hope not. I want to feel that I am on the other side of this and healing.

Is it normal to feel this calm? I still deal with ups and downs, triggers, thoughts that assail my mind, but for the most part, I'm happy and enjoying life. My worst fear is, am I pushing all of this aside not really dealing. Or have I dealt and am going forward. How does one really know?

This is what comes from being a person too into details. I'm afraid that my barriers will be hanging around for quite a while yet. I wish I could abandon all the hurt and trust again freely, but I do not want to get hit in the heart again. You know that old saying, " Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". -RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

RJ,
You sound exactly like me. I was afraid of letting my husband off too easy too, but I thought I would share with you how I am rationalizing everything. My husband is doing everything in his power to make it up to me, and he can't undo it, so I really have no choice if I want us to be happy, but to let it go, at least as much as I can. He has said he will regret it for the rest of his life, so I'm not sure he can ever forget it any more than I can. He not only betrayed me, he betrayed God. I can only imagine how horrible that must feel. I really believe he has punished himself more than I ever could. I got to thinking too that even though I can't imagine ever doing what he did, if I had, I wouldn't want him to hold it against me for the rest of my life. I know I would have deep regret and wouldn't want to be reminded of how stupid I was. I need to treat him like I would want to be treated. I don't have to answer for his actions, but I do have to answer for my own.

I have also come to the conclusion this may be a very positive thing because now he knows the grass is always greener over the septic tank. In that way, I realize we are better off than we have ever been because hopefully he won't ever wonder again if he could have done better or what it would be like with someone else. He has made it very clear I am the one he wants. I just tell myself that he belongs to me, God gave him to me, and she had no right to him in the first place, so why should I be jealous of her. Psalms 37 tells us not to fret over evildoers. That's easier said than done, but I try. I believe God has given us a calm because we are going to be ok as long as we trust in Him. God was with us this time, so if by some horrible chance our husbands did this to us again, we know He would be there for us again, and we would survive. II Timothy 1:7 says that God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind. We just have to trust in Him. He will never let us down.

I don't believe we are pushing it aside, I believe we are actually healing with God's and our husbands' help. God is making good come from bad, just like He promised. He is truly an awesome God.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((((Charity1)))))

How in the world can I tell you "Thank You"enough that would really explain to you how much your post has meant. Everything you have written echos everything I know to be true. I need to give it up and really know that I CANNOT do anything about the past. It's just so hard at times when I realize that this spans over so many years of my life.

Like your husband, mine says the very same things to me. I know he has so many regrets. He tells me constantly that he wishes he could rewind and redo his life. He tells me that the one thing he did do right was to marry me. He says that he was just too selfish and immature to understand what he had. He says that he will do everything in his power and with God's help to be the husband God has always intended him to be.

I'll say it again, our guys are pretty lucky that they have wives who trust in the Lord. We're lucky that we do.

Loved your statement about the grass being greener over the septic tank. Talk about putting things into perspective. Very Happy

Sounds like a great title for a book to me.

Happy Easter everyone!
-RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

I'm glad what I said helped, but I still struggle with letting it go too. I know all the right thoughts and attitudes, but living by them is not always easy. The knowledge that this happened to us won't ever go away, but hopefully it will hurt less and less. As far as the "Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank", I wish I could take credit for that, but I believe it came from Erma Bombeck. She knew what she was talking about though. I quoted it to my husband not long ago in a conversation we were having, and he had to smile.

I wanted to comment on one more thing you said in one of your posts about your husband not confessing to you, that things came to light for you to find out and that really bothered you. That is what happened with me too, but the thing we have to realize is that they were afraid to confess to us. I know in my case, I had always told my husband that if he ever did this to me, he would be "out of here". I always honestly thought that would be the case, so once he discovered he already had what he wanted, he had to be terrified of my finding out and losing what he had just learned to appreciate. I'm guessing your husband felt the same way. I think we just have to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine how afraid we would be. They knew life would change forever once we found out, and it has - hopefully for the better - but it has changed forever. I think they are just as insecure as we are in all of this. We are afraid they may hurt us again, and they are afraid we will eventually decide they aren't worth the effort it takes to recover.

Anyway, we are healing with God's help, and we have men that love us, so we are going to be ok. Hang in there. I'll pray for you, and I would appreciate it if you would pray for me.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

My word Charity1, are you sure you're not my twin. I feel like I'm talking to me. I had told my husband the very same speech about "You'd better not ever do this to me or else".

You know I often wondered why God waited so long for me to find out about his past. Maybe He waited until I was mature enough in Him to be able to handle it. I still find it amazing that I found out period. I mean he quit being physical with women in 1981. I found out Aug.,2006. He was still into porn and adult porn houses up to and including Aug. Thing is when I found out, I FOUND OUT EVERYTHING! If you have read my other posts, I talk about being a detailed person. Well, what I find incredible is that I thought men were not wired to remember too well but he loaded me up to the max on details. Crying or Very sad

He was so anxious to be honest, freeing of info, and start with a clean slate that he bombarded my mind. It's crazy, I wanted to know everything and yet I wish I didn't.

You know what's really bothersome? It seems like I'm fighting within myself all the time. I think I want to try and trust him again, but then I get, no you can't do that! Don't let your guard down. Then I think I would love to just go back to not knowing anything. Then it's, are you crazy? If you hadn't found out he probably would have eventually gone back to being physical again. This stuff is progressive, he was already going from porn on the internet to visiting adult porn houses. What was next? Also do I love him or am I just in the habit of being with him? Is he worth all of this anquish I'm going thru after what he has done? Is it worth putting this heart out there again? Only a few of the uncertainties going around in this brain of mine. I know the negative is coming from that old pitchforked-tail creature, but unfortunately we have memories.

I just hate up and down days. The down do seem to be getting less, however, they are still occuring. It's crazy, I'm not depressed, just sad. I credit God totally for keeping me from despair. HE keeps sending miracles (big & small) my way everyday.

What I need to do is quit trying to hurry up this healing process. Reap the good out of each day and Rejoice. That's one of the many reasons this site is so good for people who are hurting and struggling. We are able to type all our thoughts (big or small) down and receive caring and thoughtful wisdom. We are each others sounding boards.

Still sending prayers upward for each of you.

Smile! -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:24 am Post subject:

Okay, RJ, this one is not going to create a lot of happy thoughts but here goes . . .

I am working my way up from the worst betrayal in my life-just like many others who read these posts. I am learning everyday. Not always liking what I am learning, but learning just the same.

True forgiveness meets up with real Christlike love - Here is a quote from the Marriage Missions website:

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