This is awful

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((((Jeannie))))))

How I remember those horrible days. Can I give you one piece of advice that Sam gave to me? Don't try to rush this!!!!! Believe me, I tried that too. You can't, dear sister. Time does have a way of distancing us from the pain but you have to go through that dad-gum valley first. Words like revenge, justice, pay-back all sounded sooooo gooooood to me, believeeee meee, but I held onto God. I know that's not of Him. Unfortunately we have been broken, by the one who is suppose to love us the most. By the one we trusted the most.

I knew I had it in my power to destroy this man who had hurt me so incredibly bad. He knew it too, and would not have stopped me. He believed he deserved it and much more. I have not because #1.it is not what the Lord wants me to do., #2. My children,#3. from what I read, the result of a divorce (especially when these men of ours are trying to get their lives back on track) is worse, on everyone. The article said that we NEED to heal. What heals? TIME. What gets us through all of this hurtful time? God, only God. Sometimes I felt, mercy how much more can I handle? I've got to learn to quit asking that, because HE shows me.

Don't forget these guys need to see our PAIN. They need to understand what their actions have destroyed. I've said before I'm having problems with feeling that he has gotten away with so much, destroyed so much. I'm trying to remember (and being human, it's been so hard), that God is our revenger. He knows our husbands. I will say though that I've become an expert at heaping coals. Very Happy

Just my little contribution to insure he doesn't forget. As you can see, I'm not quite there yet. Still dealing with those sneaky triggers. You know what though, I believe God understands our need to take some sort of control back for our lives. It gripes me when I realize that my happiness (or lack of) does rely sometimes on the actions of others. How I react is how I get control back. Not that I am a control freak, but good grief, when your life is being shattered, we've got to get some kind of handle on it.

One thing more, it's ok to be angry. He's done something horrible to you and your family. Just don't let it get out of control. We are human. We do have feelings. We have to experience all of the feelings that go with being devestated. It's not good to push aside or inside. That's when major health issues crop up. You have to take care of you! I have found that just breathing in deeply and letting it out several times have lessened the stress a tad. We want to shied away from that stabbing pain. We honestly cannot. We have to face it. What makes me mad is why do I have to do all the work when I didn't bring this upon myself. See, not there yet.

I am moving more forward today than I was yesterday. Tomorrow, Lord willing, will be even better yet.

Is your husband cherishing you? Are you taking time for yourself in some way? Even if it's a bubble bath. You have to find some level of escape from this sometimes. I not talking of anything major, just something that will give YOU happiness. Ease your mind somewhat. You need to do that. When I first found out I went by myself for a nice weekend. It made him aware that I could function just fine on my own, without him. It scared him. It was so wonderful because I came face to face with me. I really found out how strong of a person I am, of course with God's help you understand. What has helped me too is to go away on a sweet outings for one day or overnight. Just the two of us. We are having to start fresh. Sadly, the marriage of the past was destroyed. We now have to start from the beginning. He has to show me it's worth going forward with him. Sorry, that might sound harsh, but he has to do some fighting for our marriage too. I've been fighting too, for my sanity.

You WILL make it through this. Hang onto to God. That's the ONLY way. Fortunately you already know that. Sometimes it's just a little hard to remember when the pain is almost too much.

I pray God will lift you up so that you can see the road clearly ahead of you. That's what scary, the road ahead. Where does it lead us? More pain or happiness. I believe if we follow God's way, we are going to be so blessed. I believe we will experience "my cup runneth over" type of life.

Jeannie, go, do something good for YOU today. Make yourself. Hard? Yeah, but so worth it.

Remember you are not alone in this.

Smile! -RJ-

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

charity1,

Thank you so much for your post. You are so right that we decide whether who has control over our lives and minds, them or God. So wonderful to hear about your restored relationship with your husband. It gives each one of us hope, when our days are so dark.

What puts this all in perspective, is that this is all just a vapor. What's real is Heaven. Just think, no more tears. My husband has so many regrets of how he has lived his life thus far. I pray for our husbands to live the life God has meant for them to live. Such a simple request but such a profound one too.

You know our husbands are so lucky God has given them, us. I'm not being prideful, ladies. Just stating a fact. I think they realize how special we are, because we are still here and trying. Not to many do these days.

Now I get to go and wash clothes. Not before I have another cup of coffee, though. Remember SMILE! -RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

I agree with you, RJ, our husbands are lucky to have us. If they didn't have wives that love God, they would be out on their ears! My husband, like yours, is very remorseful, and is genuinely sorry for what he has done. There is no doubt if he could go back and undo it, he would. (Proverbs 5-7 and then Romans 7-8 explain how our husbands got messed up.) Sometimes when I tell him I love him, he says, "I know, but I don't know why." I think it really blows him away. The only answer is, this isn't of me, it is of God, and I've told him that. We have to give God the glory. Just because my husband didn't keep his marriage vows doesn't mean I don't have to. I can only answer for myself on judgment day. Even though God allows for divorce in our situations, it is not what He wants, and besides I do really love my husband. These verses put everything into perspective for me:

Proverbs 11:16: A gracious woman is respected but a woman without virtue is a disgrace.

Proverbs 11:22: Beauty in a woman without good judgment is like a gold ring in a pig's snout.

Proverbs 12:4: A good wife is her husband's pride and joy; but a wife who brings shame on her husband is like a cancer in his bones. (ESV)
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j3anjean · Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject:

THANK YOU for all the kind words and love and prayers.

I am trying to rush this. I want it to be done. I can't. Healing takes time and I am so impatient. Reading all these posts reduced me to tears. I just feel like if I am doing this right there shouldn't be anymore bad days - but it doesn't work that way.

My husband is being such a dear, right now. He is being sympathetic and loving. I want to just bask in that feeling - but then I think wait a minute - you caused this pain. There sure is a tug of war going on in my head and heart right now.

But I am choosing to lay all of this at God's feet. It's just too much for me today. I trust that He is at my side always.

I can't respond too much today. I am about to go get kids from school and we have a church social tonight. Life doesn't stop even when you are having a bad day. Love you guys! I'm praying for us all!!!!

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

I know what you mean about feeling like if you are doing this right you shouldn't have any more bad days, but we are human. We can't forget what has happened to us. I commented to a close friend of mine that I feel like I should be able to just let it go and never bring it up again because that's what God does, but then again, God is able to forget where we humans aren't. She said that is for a reason. My husband needs to remember it so that he remembers all the pain that was caused by it, and I need to remember it so that I am never fooled like that again. We both need to learn from it so that we have boundaries in place so that nobody of the opposite sex can ever tempt either of us like that again. We will all be much wiser from living through this.

All of us want a magic wand waved over us so that all of the pain will magically disappear, but the good news is, time does heal. I have lost a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother and an unborn baby to death, and I compare this to losing them. After years, I can still go back to the day each of them died and make myself cry and be miserable, but I choose not to do that. I know that dwelling on it doesn't accomplish anything, and it stays in my subconscious. I know it happened, but I don't dwell on it. I can't wait until enough time has passed for that to happen in this situation - I believe it eventually will. I can also honestly say the betrayal of my husband hurt worse than these deaths. I asked my Christian counselor how that could be, and she said none of them betrayed me, and that is so true. None of them chose to die. My husband chose to cheat. The only thing is, now that he has come to his senses, he is very ashamed and embarrassed. I have often thought I would rather be in my shoes than in his. Everyone thought he was the perfect Christian. Of course there is no such thing, but he had a very good reputation. He not only sinned against me, more importantly he sinned against God. He ruined his Christian example and broke the covenant he made with me before God. He has had a very hard time forgiving himself. I think that is why I can offer him compassion. I can only imagine how awful that would be. I never realized how much adultery, fornication and sexual immorality were mentioned in the Bible until this happened, and I'm sure my husband didn't. He has to feel so stupid - he has admitted he does. He is amazed himself as to how he could have fallen into the devil's trap and been so blind. The good news is, he sees the other woman for who she is now, instead of as a sweet, innocent, damsel in distress like she tried to appear to be. We have both learned valuable lessons through all of this.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

I know what you mean about feeling like if you are doing this right you shouldn't have any more bad days, but we are human. We can't forget what has happened to us. I commented to a close friend of mine that I feel like I should be able to just let it go and never bring it up again because that's what God does, but then again, God is able to forget where we humans aren't. She said that is for a reason. My husband needs to remember it so that he remembers all the pain that was caused by it, and I need to remember it so that I am never fooled like that again. We both need to learn from it so that we have boundaries in place so that nobody of the opposite sex can ever tempt either of us like that again. We will all be much wiser from living through this.

All of us want a magic wand waved over us so that all of the pain will magically disappear, but the good news is, time does heal. I have lost a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother and an unborn baby to death, and I compare this to losing them. After years, I can still go back to the day each of them died and make myself cry and be miserable, but I choose not to do that. I know that dwelling on it doesn't accomplish anything, and it stays in my subconscious. I know it happened, but I don't dwell on it. I can't wait until enough time has passed for that to happen in this situation - I believe it eventually will. I can also honestly say the betrayal of my husband hurt worse than these deaths. I asked my Christian counselor how that could be, and she said none of them betrayed me, and that is so true. None of them chose to die. My husband chose to cheat. The only thing is, now that he has come to his senses, he is very ashamed and embarrassed. I have often thought I would rather be in my shoes than in his. Everyone thought he was the perfect Christian. Of course there is no such thing, but he had a very good reputation. He not only sinned against me, more importantly he sinned against God. He ruined his Christian example and broke the covenant he made with me before God. He has repented, and people know that, but still, he can't erase what he has done in people's eyes. He has had a very hard time forgiving himself. I think that is why I can offer him compassion. I can only imagine how awful that would be. I never realized how much adultery, fornication and sexual immorality were mentioned in the Bible until this happened, and I'm sure my husband didn't. He has to feel so stupid - he has admitted he does. He is amazed himself as to how he could have fallen into the devil's trap and been so blind. The good news is, he sees the other woman for who she is now, instead of as a sweet, innocent, damsel in distress like she tried to appear to be. We have both learned valuable lessons through all of this. Hopefully we will never take each other for granted again, and we won't think we are above temptation. We have to keep our focus on God at all times to keep from stumbling.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Good grief, charity1 I had to look to see if I had indeed written that post. So much of that echoed my situation. Chillingly so. The only difference is that no one knows of our situation. My husband is willing to go to a counselor, just haven't been able to locate one that has been recommended by a bible-based organization that is a man. I don't think my husband would feel comfortable going to a woman counselor. Do the two of you go to a woman counselor? Or is she your individual counselor?

My husband says if only he could go back and redo his life over how different it would be. Ah yes,if only. (for both our sakes) Well, if onlys aren't reality. So can't stay in that mind set. I'm glad he tries to understand what I am going through but there is no way he could ever fully understand this type of pain he himself has inflicted.

Have either of you asked your husband how he would have felt had it been the other way around? I wonder if they could give us a really honest answer what their reaction would have been. I wonder if they would have fought as hard as we are doing. Sometimes I do way to much thinking.

I loved all the scriptures you gave, but really loved Prov. 11:16. Kinda hate to say this but it puts the OW (in my case, other women) in the right light, doesn't it. I often wonder about them. Are they regretful? Have they turned their lives around? I do hope so.

Jeannie, I know about that tug-of-war. It's like when we go on our outings, I want to just let it go and be care-free and happy. Then my brain just has to spoil it with some trigger. It can be as little as seeing a couple dancing on t.v. Knowing I can never slow dance with him at our 50th wedding anniversary. That's years way, way down the road, but I always thought it was beautiful to see older couples doing that. Who knows, maybe by that time I won't care. Oops, (trigger) not going there. I have never used a word more lately than I have with that word trigger.

Well ladies, I am going on a mini vacation with my kids for the next several days. I will miss talking with all of you. Ya'll have become so precious to me. Isn't it wonderful how God gives us people to comfort us with words and understanding? Only those who are and have traveled down this road to recovery really understand. Don't go anywhere, I need all of you to be able to vent and repent.

Remember, SMILE Very Happy

-RJ-

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

I went to a female Christian counselor for about 5 months on my own. Then my husband met with our preacher once a week for about 6 weeks, and now we are involved in a marriage course called Dynamic Marriage. It is great. They have a website where you can find one in your area. If you don't do that, at least read "His Needs, Her Needs" with your husband. It is broken down into chapters. If your husband doesn't want to read the whole book, he at least needs to read the "Her Needs" sections. It will turn your marriage around. We wish we had read it 30 years ago. Our marriage could have been so much better, even though I already thought we had a very good marriage.

I found my counselor on the web by just calling up "Christian counselors". After 5 months she told me I was welcome to come back and talk to her anytime I wanted to, but she felt like I had all the tools I needed to survive this, it was just going to take time to work through it and that I couldn't rush it. I know all about triggers, I have them all the time. I hate it, but I have been told by a couple of people who have been through this that after a while I won't care anymore. That's hard to believe, but I am really looking forward to that day.

I did ask my husband if he had put himself in my place and thought about how he would feel, and he said yes, that is why he cries so much. I can only imagine how he would be dealing with it if it had been the other way around. I figure he might have stayed with me, but I believe he would have remained distant. I'm not sure how well he would have been able to work through it. I've got to admit though that he is doing everything he can to help us survive. He told me he could never make it up to me, but he would spend the rest of his life trying. It has been a year, and he is trying very hard. That is all I can ask.

Have a good trip, RJ!

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 7:02 am Post subject:

Okay everyone. I wanted to post this. I posted this on another site not even a year ago (04/10/07). But it gives some background. I was NOT a good wife for a very long time. I was not a Christian. I guess I feel both sides of the coin here, but since I feel like I can share my heart here I want to share who I was-not just who I am. My pastor in Florida used to say, you can't have a testimony unless you are honest about the test-so here goes:

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

Wow, j3anjean, your story proves that anything is possible with God! One of the verses that has helped me with my healing is, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Whenever I get down and think I can't get past this or I can't move on, I try to remember this verse. I think we are all afraid to get too comfortable or be too happy. Nobody wants to risk being hurt again, but the most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens in this life, it is only temporary, we are preparing for a much better place. This world is not our home. We want to be as happy as possible here, but it will never be perfect - only heaven is perfect. If we just put God first in our lives, everything else will fall into place. You have come so far, just keep your focus on God. Keep Him first in your life. Your story really inspires me. We will all be fine! All things work together for good for those that love the Lord! We are all going to make it and be happier than ever. I know my marriage is well on it's way to being better than it's ever been! God is good!! Thanks for sharing your story.

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 9:40 am Post subject:

God is good and I know I have a stronger relationship with Him than before. All that I put in quotes before was prior to my husband's most recent affair-that one started last August thru the end of this January. I know God is carrying me thru this one. I know my husband has been made new thru Christ. I just want some peace of mind. I pray for it. The hurt is still so fresh. I know I can't forget and I want to be able to learn from this-not push it into the back of my head. I believed my marriage was healed- but my faith was not enough to carry us both. My husband needed to work out his own salvation. I struggle with the definition of forgiveness. If I have forgiven him, should I not bring it up again? (Hebrews 8:12) If so, then how do I deal with it in counseling? How does this work? (1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love keeps no record of wrongs.)

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

The way I understand forgiveness is that you don't hang onto the resentment and anger. You can't help but be hurt, but you don't have to beat him over the head with it. I believe you have a right to ask any questions or say anything you need to to your husband in order to be able to forgive and move on because the Bible talks about confessing your sins one to another and going to a fellow Christian and talking to them if they have offended you, so I believe this definitely applies in a marriage. Talk openly with your husband and your counselor. Forgiveness is a choice. You choose to forgive because God has forgiven you and also for your own peace of mind. Anger and resentment will eat you alive and make you a bitter person. I started praying for peace and once I received that, I calmed down and things started getting better. When you pray, pray without doubting. Believe that God will give you peace, and He will.

Not keeping a record of wrong means you don't hold a grudge. We are not God, we have memories that are not going to go away, but we can work on not having any malice in our hearts. We don't have to punish our husbands. Vengeance belongs to God. Turn the whole thing over to God and let Him handle it (easier said than done), but do it minute by minute, hour by hour or how ever often it takes. It's hard to turn it over and not try to pick it back up. Your counselor will encourage you to work through each emotion, the denial, the grief, the anger, the resentment, the hurt, all of it. You won't get anywhere by burying it. It will just resurface later if you don't deal with it now.

Forgiveness didn't come right away for me, but I was eventually able to do it through prayer and reading the Bible. Just remember your own weaknesses and try not to judge your husband too harshly. Like you said, he had to make his own life right with God, he wasn't at the same stage you were, but now that he is, you two should start making progress.

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:14 am Post subject:

Absolutely, Charity. I made the decision to forgive him right away. That wasn't hard. Dealing with my own grief and loss made me question if I had truly forgiven him. I guess because I wanted the feeling of peace to come with the decision for forgiveness - and, well, it hasn't happened that way 100%.

I don't hold it over his head. He does that enough for both of us. Trust has to be rebuilt. I can choose to forgive but sadly, I cannot trust him right away. I know that his decision to change his life, his heart, his actions means the devil is going to work on him extra hard. I don't know his strength when it comes to temptation. I only know his history which is NOT a shining beacon for faithfulness. For example, my family wants me to come to Florida with the kids for spring break or this summer and I can't do it. I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone for that long. He can't go with me. That's hard but it is a sacrifice I have to make.

I don't get angry-not really-so I am not bitter or resentful. I just get sad . I've questioned my 'sanity' quite a bit about that. Why don't I get angry, enraged? Why don't I want revenge? How is it that I feel bad for the other woman and pray for her not to be too sad or hurt or alone? How is it that when she confessed the depth of their affair - that it had lasted for 8 months and had been sexual, all things my husband had denied originally - I kept telling her how sorry I was that she had been hurt and been caught up in this mess. She kept telling me to please quit saying I'm sorry-that it was she that was sorry but I felt so bad for her. Anger in this situation is normal - so why am I not normal? These are all things I want to discuss with the counselor but 'counseling' has kind of been put in limbo due to insurance reasons. Hopefully that will get worked out this week. Argh! I swear, my own thoughts are my worst enemy!

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

You sound very normal to me. You are describing just how I feel. I believe when we try to put God first in our lives, he will give us the capacity for compassion in our hearts. I did get angry, but it was very short lived, and you might too eventually, but since you have been in the OW's place, you can sympathize with her more, and you may not get angry. I still felt sorry for the OW though after we talked because I believe she gets her self-esteem from attention from men, and that is very sad. You are right that your thoughts are your worst enemy, they are mine too. There is no doubt the devil plants those thoughts. That is where my problem still is. I keep going back in the past and remembering things, and it is so hard. I would give anything if those memories would fade, but it is going to take time. I, too, pray for the OW and her husband and kids. I hope they can rebuild their lives.

I understand the lack of trust, that takes a while too, and the devil will plant thoughts in your mind to cause you doubt and fear, but remember, fear is not from God. Just remember you have no control, and no matter what happens, God is in control, so you are going to be ok no matter what. If your husband has truly turned his life over to God, he will be led by the Spirit of God, so he will be able to overcome temptation better than he has before. Sounds to me like you are on the right track and are very normal. Just pray and trust God to help you through.

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

(((j3an, charity, secured and to all posting and reading here)))

I can't really add anything to what you have all posted here. Praying for peace of mind has worked for me.

I believe that God doesn't test us more than we can endure. LOL! So why does it always have to be us, the strong ones???? Just kidding.

The fact that we have endured through these betrayals and are handling them in a Christian manner speaks volumes, in my opinion. How our spouses deal with their betrayal of us, will also be counted.

What I've learned is that God has not betrayed us, He has been there for us even before we turned to Him. I now realize, my faith, hope and strength reside in Him, regardless of the state of my marriage. That is truly a comfort for me.

Secured, how did your mini-vacation go?

Hugs to all, Fishi

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