This is awful

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Fishi,

Sometimes it's hard to grasp how our husbands think and why they do such questionable things. Especially during times when we ourselves are going through such trials.

Medically, what you have been through was punch-in-the-gut enough.
As hard as it is to remember sometimes, God does not give us any more than we can handle. Seems to me, HE sees you as a VERY, VERY STRONG person.

Take care of yourself, dear sister. Do something special for yourself. I'm going to go get a swiss massage. Wink

Those things are g-l-o-r-i-o-u-s!!!!!!

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

j3anjean,

Just wanted to ask how you were doing? Hope all is going well.

RJ

j3anjean · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:01 am Post subject:

Good morning, all.

Welcome to the forum Fishi! My heart aches for you and I'm so sorry you have to post here at all. Hopefully, God has led you to a place where you will find support and comfort.

I am doing well. I was sick this past week (the flu) but am feeling better.

Stupid, I know, but I feel like being sick sort of stalled our progress. Last night was the first time we sat and talked. Every other night I was too weak and tired-or medicated. We had to reschedule counseling-and couldn't get in this week at all. I want to "hurry up and heal my marriage" but know that isn't the way it works. I read a lot. I finished "Not Just Friends" which is really good.

On Saturday, I sort of lost my temper. Which is kind of rare for me. My husband had ben busy with meetings during the week. Thursday we went to a hunting banquet (but I was too sick to stay & left early) Friday he went to talk to a friend until late -someone who he admires their marriage. Saturday he went ice fishing with this same friend. By Saturday night I got angry. I said "I spend my whole life holding down the fort. Keeping everything running while you have friends, hobbies, affairs and a life!" He apologized, but I felt guilty for bringing it up like that.

This morning, I pulled into the gas station and pulled up next to his affair partner. Ouch. She smiled and waved, I did the same. It was raining, so I used that as an excuse not to go talk to her. I wasn't wanting to start of my day like that. It's so funny, but I have no animosity towards her AT ALL. Why not? Why don't I get mad? I mean why do I let the big stuff just roll off my back?

In Sunday School we had a lesson on forgiveness and some of the group, primarily the men were saying how hard it is to forgive and let go. On spoke of a kid who broke into his house, once spoke of a negative coworker. My comment was, why do I forgive quickly? Yes it is what God commands, but I feel like I box up everything and don't deal with it in a healthy way. What is wrong with me?

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Take heart, there is NOTHING wrong with you!!!!!!

That has been a question I've wanted answered myself. Like you, I have not had but a very few angry outbursts at my husband. On this board, YES, but not at him. What gives? I've always allowed things to "roll off my back", too. As I have mentioned before that is one of the worries that I have of him not getting the full picture of how deep this has cut me. One thing I have learned is do not keep it inside. Like SAM said, it will resurface. Go on and face it all. Now, does all this mean that I have not had deep, soul-unleashing confrontations with my husband. Oh no, we've had those. They are good, very good. Like I have said, I have days where triggers can get at me. I am learning they are not to rule me. We are in mourning so we do have to allow certain feelings to surface. It's how far we allow those feelings to take us that guage how far we've gone on this hard road to recovery. My husband has been amazed at my strength. We all know where that comes from, don't we ladies. Very Happy

Wow, I am awe-struck at your response to the affair partner. Does she not get her part in all of this? I think I'd be grabbing my trusty skillet!! Laughing

I'm really not a violent person just have a fetish for trying to set people's heads on straight.

I think there is a difference between really forgiving and just sweeping it under the rug just to hurry up and move on. It's like, for me, it was almost too painful to deal with all at once. Again for me, I've realized I did not fully forgive but pushed away. I am dealing with each adultery seperately. I feel I have to confront, divide ,and conquer. Not easy at times , though.

My husband took me for an escape again this weekend. The first one seemed at little forced to have a good time (on my part). This time it was a little easier. He says he is dating me. He wants to bring the spark back into our marriage that he has doused. I am very grateful he is fighting for our marriage. I pray that one day I can give fully to the recovery of our marriage. Right now, I am in the process of healing myself.

I know I keep saying this but for me it's working. Take care of yourself. When you are back on track only then can you face things head on. We are geared to take care of everyone else and put ourselves last. We've been damaged, our world has been shattered to pieces. We need to be cherished right now and deservedly so. That alone can sew up some of the tears in our hearts.

What I'm getting at is, NO it's not healthy to push our fears, horrors of what has happened under that proverbal rug. Allow yourself to go through the stages of mourning. Just don't stay at one stage too long. Take the time you need though, don't force. With God's help and guidance, we will get to that day of total forgiveness and peace. Sure can't wait for that day. This (dealing) sure gets old, doesn't it?

-RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:28 pm Post subject:

When my husband and I were separated 3 or 4 years ago- I knew my anger and depression had been a major factor to his leaving. SINCE I became a Christian I don't get screaming-fighting angry. I don't get 'morbidly depressed'. I consider that a major blessing from God, but in light of this most recent affair I get scared that it isn't a blessing at all. I worry if I'm boxing it all up. Being able to vent here makes a world of difference. I feel totally safe when I express my feelings here.

When it comes to his affair partner, I just can't get mad at her. I pray for her. I sympatize with her hurt and loss. Then again-am I forgiving? or just incapable of getting angry? What's the difference?

I'm so tired of dealing with it, too!! Sometimes, I wish I could pretend it never happened. I told a friend of mine (JOKINGLY) that what I needed was a good head injury-to just be completely unaware of the problems-just reap the benefits. Im tired of reading double meanings into every little thing and tired of feeling that we aren't moving forward fast enough. It's exhausting!

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

I know about it being exhausting! Just check the time of this posting. My husband is out of town this week. I fell asleep early this evening (9:00), then the dog started barking outside and woke me up. I'm now wide awake. I can honestly say though that I am not concerned about my husband being out of town. That's when he usually made his moves. It's wonderful to now have peace about this. God's peace.

Hey, when you find out the difference let me know. Shouldn't I be so angry at his secret life that he once had? Putting my health in jeopardy? Lying constantly to me. And yet, I am still here under this roof, sleeping next to him, cooking, cleaning, and being intimate. Sometimes I just don't get it. It has to be God, that's the only answer.

The thought of getting amnesia has crossed my mind too. Wouldn't that be wonderful for us? Gee, just think, no DEALING. Very Happy

It would only let our fellows off the hook, though. There has to be some lessons learned from all of this heartache. (on both sides) I've learned to put no trust in man, only God. I've learned that no matter how devestating it is, I am going to be fine. I've learned that I am a very strong person. Or perhaps a very stubborn one. That's ok because I'll not allow certain things into my life anymore. I've learned also that I do have control over how I get through the day. I do not want to waste the time I have left on this earth mourning over things that are beyond my control, things of the past, of people who really do not matter. I want to now have the marriage God intended all along.

I've had a hard time wondering why God allowed me to marry such a man in the first place, knowing what he was going to do to me and our marriage. It has slowly dawned on me that God used me to get my husband to the place he is now. Sexually sober after 40 some odd years. This all started with him when he was young. He says that he has never felt this good about himself for a very long time. He almost feels brand new. He feels clean. He feels like the prodigal son coming home at last. How can I be angry about that? Am I making any sense? Should I even question why I had to go through my agony, if God felt that's what was needed to bring my husband back to Him?

Talking on this board has been such a blessing to me. To anyone browsing these posts on a quest for sanity, or maybe answers of some sort. Talk. Vent. Ask for prayer. You are not alone.

-RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

Twice, now, I've attempted to post to this thread and my posts disappear.

I'm thinking and praying for all of you and thank you for being such wonderful support.

Hugs, Fishi.

j3anjean · Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:39 am Post subject:

I just ordered a book called "Sacred Marriage" from our local library. It's premise is that God designed marriage to make us more holy rather than happy even though happiness is a by product of a good marriage. Wow! I can't wait to read this one.

If I am honest my marriage (the valleys as well as the mountains) HAS drawn me closer to God. I have learned love, humility, forgiveness and the amazing gift of God's grace. I have learned to trust and rely on God alone. I have learned that I am not enough, strong enough, good enough, faithful enough to make it on my own. This tangled, broken and battered marriage has FINALLY, brought my husband into a relationship with God. What if that was the purpose all along. It was never about "happy." When I see it from that perspective it sort of rocks my ideas and beliefs.

Jeannie

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Wondered where you went to Fishi. I too have tried to post before and not have it show up. It usually gives me time to rehash what I'd posted before. Believe it or not, it ends up being shorter than the original. Very Happy

I grew up in a Christian home and I feel I have been close to the Lord all my life. Jeannie, like you, I know that all this strife has brought me even closer to God. I hunger for His word more and more. Sometimes it's hard to be of the mind-set He wishes for us to have when faced with our trials and tribulations. It sure goes against our nature to just totally forgive someone who has hurt us so very deeply, without cause, and so many times.

Let's continue to keep each other in our prayers. I can only talk to all of you about this because you will not judge me or my husband. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends who would be with me through this. I just can't bear them knowing or the possibility of my children finding out. Especially now since my husband is trying to live a righteous life.

Jeannie, our trip was great. The barriers I have built up against him are slowly starting to crack a little. I so want to just wake up one morning and feel free of all this. He has seen a change in me since my first post on this site. His is thankful to all of you for praying for us. And for helping me see that our marriage can be better than ever. He understands my need to talk things out and the feed back that I get to reaffirm I'm not alone. This mess can be so isolating.

Have a wonderful day. Rejoice and be glad in it! -RJ-

fishi · Full Member Joined: 29 Feb 2008 Posts: 70

As I was suffering through the pain of betrayal, I became aware that this is how God must feel when we betray him. It has made me more aware of my conduct and conversations. I try to think, "am I being respectful?" to God's plan.

I have to catch myself when I am having negative thoughts regarding my husband's affair and turn my thoughts positive. I believe that the affair was satan's work and my negative thoughts are his work.

Tomorrow will be one month since I discovered the affair. At the time I couldn't fathom how I would be able to function for another hour let alone a month. I am so acutely aware and grateful for God's grace and mercy.

j3anjean · Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:15 pm Post subject:

Absolutely, Fishi! I really have to practice "thought stopping" too. I have prayed that God will lift these thoughts that can easily turn into painful obsessions. I know God has kept his end of the bargain. So when I start to think about it too much, I know the devil is working on me. I say a little prayer and the thoughts dissipate. What an awesome God we have!

I have just passed the one month mark. At that time I didn't see how I could live through the pain. Each minute felt like a tiny death. Now, I have times when I am sad, or hurt but it is manageable.

I'm so happy about your trip, RJ! Healing takes time but I'm so glad your marriage is being healed. I will continue to lift you both up in prayer.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((((Jeannie, Fishi)))))))

That's for making it thus far!!!! Whew, I really can't remember that first year, let alone one month in particular. I was so numb most of the time. Do either one of you feel that way? Each of us handle the shock of betrayal differently. After the numbness wore off, then I began the journey of dealing with each adultery and porn episode seperately. I too have had to push negative thoughts away. I will say it is getting easier. As I have said before I'm a stickler for details, so I had made a list of all of his adulteries (about Cool

, porn house visits, etc. I asked him to be honest and describe in detail how he had approached them, where they had gone and what they had done. I put the list away for a while. Today I reread that list. How can I even began to explain that while reading over that list I did not experience that stabbing pain? I am just so amazed at where I am now on this road to healing, as to 20 months ago, or even 6 months ago. My strength has amazed my husband and even myself. My husband is also amazed at how I have carried on with my life with dignity and a certain calmness of spirit. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've had my moments of crying, being angry, (not shouting at him though, I can only say that too is Heaven sent), and just not wanting to be around him. But overall, I've felt such support from God. His peace, too. I have experienced this before when we buried our middle child in 1986. I worry about people who try to do this without God. They really can't. What agony they must go through.

Here are a couple of quotes and a verse I found and enjoyed:

New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. Ruth Bell Graham

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:7

Today is one step closer to the end of this agonizing journey. I've learned I cannot and should not rush it. Boy, I sure would love to push fast forward, wouldn't ya'll? Smile

God has his own timing though and for good reason.

Have ya noticed I seem to always be long-winded? It's really great therapy for me. Thanks for the support. -RJ-

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

Good grief, I have got to learn to proof read before I submit. I somehow pushed that emoticon instead of the number 8, to represent # of adulteries he'd had. Sorry! -RJ-

j3anjean · Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:47 am Post subject:

Good Morning, RJ & Fishi (and anyone else who reads this posting)

RJ-your posts always make me smile-a constant reminder of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm 'hormonal' this week so I had a rough day yesterday. The first time I have cried in a while. I couldn't seem to get the thoughts out of my head-no matter how much I prayed. I had what I thought was an epiphany that the "first time" with my husbands most recent affair partner was at our house while I took the kids to Florida to visit my folks last August. He says it wasn't. They were intimate at our home during my absence-but it wasn't the first time. I wanted to go into my room last night and rip down the wallpaper, punch holes in the walls, break everything. Instead I went and took a shower and cried and prayed quietly. I still feel pretty crappy today-just sad but this too shall pass.

I know what triggered it. I found the copy of the email I originally found at the end of January where she said she missed him. I felt so betrayed by their intimate friendship. When he confessed to kissing her I felt my heart break. By the time I found out they had an 8 month sexual affair two weeks later I didn't think I could be any more broken. Today Im so sad and just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep and forget. I hate that I think I'm past it all. That we are putting this behind us, that God is leading me thru the valley - then I get another day like this.

I know that without God I would be angry! and vindictive! I would file for the divorce-leave him in the mess he made-but I also would have no chance to heal. My children would suffer terribly. No, God's way is the better way- the right way.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

J3anJean,

I have just been reading the posts the past couple of days and drawing strength from all of you. When I read your latest post, it really hit home with me. I know just what you are going through. It has been a year since I found out the truth. I too found out in stages what had transpired. I told my husband it reminded me of the song, "Wave on Wave". Everytime I would recover from one wave, another one would come and knock me down. I'll have a few good days and think I'm finally getting past the hurt, then there will be something to trigger my thoughts. The devil doesn't want us to be happy. He wants to keep things stirred. Anyway, I remember one day several months ago when my husband confessed some very painful details to me that I had asked for and felt like I had to know. As I was struggling with the anger and resentment, I thought of Matthew 6:20 that tells us to lay up for ourselves treasures in heaven where thieves cannot break through and steal. This made me think of the other woman. Even though she knew me, she had no regard for me. She broke through and tried to steal my husband. She stole my self-esteem, my trust, my house and camper (by being with my husband in them), and my security in my marriage but the good news is, these are all temporary. She couldn't steal my relationship with God and Jesus, the peace and joy that I have in knowing I have salvation and will have a home in heaven once I get past all of the pain in this life. Thankfully this isn't as good as it gets. Maybe that is why we have such horrible trials, so that we will long for home - I don't mean be suicidal of course, but just knowing there is something much better we are all striving for. Anyway, since that day, God has restored my relationship with my husband - we are closer and communicating better than ever. He is now the husband I have always wanted. It is a shame it took all of this to get there, but I have to admit I'm enjoying it. My self-esteem is coming back (after all, I am made in God's image) and I have reclaimed my husband, m house and my camper. I realized she had no right to any of these things, so how can I be jealous of someone who is a thief and who is condemned in the Bible. Psalm 37 has been my lifeline. All I can do is pray for her. She has told me on several occasions that she is sorry, unfortunately, after each apology, I would find out she had lied to me about something else. I admit I still think way too much about her. Since I knew her so well, I can see her vividly in my mind, which makes it very hard, but I know she doesn't deserve the kind of power my mind gives her. I pray constantly that God will take the negative thoughts from my mind. It is still a struggle every day. All we can do is continue to pray, study God's word and try to think on things that are good and pure. Hang in there! I am praying for all of us.

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