The "Dungeons and Dragons Game" Is it right?

Jane_Doe · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 20

Hi.

I'm new here and have lots of marriage issues that hopefully you guys can help me out with. Here is one of our issues. My husband is HUGE into his hobbies. He collects comic books, figures, books in general, the dungeons and dragons stuff etc. He's a HUGE collector that has this stuff by the hundreds and thousands. He's 29 and he's soo consumed by this stuff. One thing we fight about is his "Dungeons and Dragons" game. He is supposed to be a Christian and he claims there's nothing wrong with this game that people comments about it negatively that doesn't understand it. I say, it's not about "understanding it" but this game is so envolved with monsters,demons, spells, scorcery etc that I say even though his actions in the game may not be "wrong" in one sense It's the connection with all the things in the game that are contrary to things that the Bible doesn't promote.

I was talking to a friend one day, a peer of my husband who's also played the game and when I told them about how my husband plays this, his response was "I thought Your husband went to church...."
To me this statement from someone is enough in my opinion that he should lay it down. To me it shows that other people don't associate that game with Christian behavior and if people views it that way, and a Christian is supposed to be careful of their witness to people.

Anybody else familiar with this game? Whats your opinions?

Also, My husband is supposed to be a Christian and I know You're not supposed to judge, but He never talks about when /how he got saved. He acts offended to even be asked about it. That is sooo odd to me. He's the first Christian I've ever met thats not joyed to talk about that....

What do you guys think?

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

As a wife, if I begin to sound like a broken record, my husband tunes me out. Your words are not convicing him to make changes in his behavior.

You mentioned speaking to a peer of his, perhaps that peer will be the one to get through to him? Or another Christian brother from your couples group or a friend at church who your husband trusts?

The best thing I can think of is to pray for your husband and let God do the heart check and work that needs to be done. Yes, iron needs to sharpen iron, but a cold heart that is turned toward the comfortable and alluring ways of this world - God has to penetrate.

Jane_Doe · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 20

I believe that I could find ten pastors of ten different denominations that could all speak against this game and that wouldn't be enough for my husband I believe. When he's set in his mindset and when all is justified in his own mind then theres no changing most of the time. He says that people just don't understand the game.... I say whats to understand, I don't think it's so much his actions in the game, its just what the game is so envolved with.

ripx187 · Newbie Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 3

Howdy, I found this article through my google reader, and felt the need to respond.

I play Dungeons & Dragons, it is a story game! I enjoy the social aspect of it. Gathering with my friends around the table, solving problems and building my characters up . . . though, I am a Dungeon Master, meaning that I design stories and set up adventures to challenge the good guys.

I know in my games, I don't allow characters to play evil characters, they are suppose to be heroes. Good vs Evil, Right vs. Wrong. The game challenges this, sometimes the characters will have access to doing terrible things, if they act on them, then their characters will be punished, however if they maintain their morals, they will be rewarded.

Back to myself, I am a recovering alcoholic, and D&D has been a godsend to me. It gives me that social setting were my friends and I can hang out and work together without poisoning ourselves or feeling some bizarre need to drink anything stronger then coffee.

Dungeons and Dragons has gotten some bad press in the past, this spawns from the delusion from the 80's that all of the children were being molested by devil worshiping cults that clearly didn't exist. Sensational news stories reported that people were committing suicide because of the game, which when it was proved that it wasn't the case, they never took the responsible path and admitted to their error.

Mental Illness can be enhanced by the game . . . but mental illness can be enhanced by anything! D&D does not cause mental illness. Granted, your husband does seem to have way to many hobbies, and it looks like you are feeling ignored. THAT is the core of the issue, not the fact that he plays D&D. Perhaps you can initiate a date night?

Before you can express your needs, you have to properly identify them. Playing the blaming game is not healthy, it is an option but that doesn't mean that it is the only option. Good luck to you.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Thanks for joining us and explaining the details. Interesting concepts.

After reading back through things, it seems like there is more going on that the issue of hobbies - maybe?

Were these things you knew were his hobbies when you married?
If so, then why not consider spending time with him on them. Even thought they might not turn your crank, men do like it when you are near to them and show interest in the things they enjoy. I'm sure you may want him to do the same with some of your hobbies.

Also, sometimes we can get so caught up in negative thinking that we forget what wonderful qualities we fell in love with to begin with.

Jane_Doe · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 20

Yes My husband was a Christian when we got married. I suppose yes I knew about his hobbies before we married. But, I think it's fair to say, you don't really know someone till you're married. And, I don't think I had any concept of how much he was into his "hobbies".

As far as playing that game with him, no. I don't intend to. As far as his comic hobbies, I've watched a few of the movies played some of the video games sure.

I think he is so into his hobbies that it takes on more of who he is than he realizes. Maybe I'll go into that more sometime..

As far as the D and D game. I'm not all that familiar with the past arguements and conflicts. As far as the game its self, I personally don't think I'd find it to entertaining to set around for hours to create an imaginary character with imaginary powers to then set around for hours talking out imaginary stories and giving my characters response. It's just not my idea of a good time. I guess everybody has their opinion.

My biggest argument about the game is the fact that I think as far as Christians go, I'm not so sure about the game. My husband too is the "Dungeon Master" in all their games. Has the manuals and books by the loads and what I do know is that the game involves demons, spells, scorcery etc. Now, my thoughts are if one is a Christian and in their Christian life is against being these types of things why would one associate theirself and play a game in that their character assumes these things. I think it's a bit much.

Everybody has their right and opinion as to what they think is fun and what amuses them. For me, this is more than just the game itself. Sure, I know my husband Isn't attempting to "cast spells" etc.... but it's just the involvement with something that has so many things that are supposed to be contradictory to one's beliefs.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Jane_Doe · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 20

I just really don't think you guys understand his involvment in his hobbies.

I may have mentioned it on another thread, but he spent 4,000 + dollars last year alone on his hobbies alone. Half of which were on an account I knew nothing about.....

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Sorry, I did not see a previous post or anything in this thread that he spent over $4000 last year on his hobbies and he did not tell you about 1/2 of the expenditures. If this expenditure was not mutually agreed to, then no wonder you are angry.

RD is right on with his suggestions. It was hard for my husband to understand sacrifice for me and our kids, especially since it wasn't modeled by his father.

It seems you may be struggling with -

- Secret spending habits that are detrimental to your budget
- Trust
- Sacrifice/Serving
- Communication
- Conflict Resolution
- Developing a mutual hobby to enjoy together

You are not alone in these struggles. At some point they rear their ugly heads in every marriage. We've all dealt with them to some extent. It's what you do with these struggles that makes a difference. Being strong and moving forward means talking to your husband, again, for the 100th time face-to-face.

Before you get to a point of wanting to bail out of your marriage, the best thing to do would be to see a counselor.

ripx187 · Newbie Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 3

"I may have mentioned it on another thread, but he spent 4,000 + dollars last year alone on his hobbies alone. Half of which were on an account I knew nothing about....."

Ahhh, now this changes everything. I would be mad about this one myself!

I am a geek too, if I bought everything that I wanted then I could easily spend all of my income and more on the stuff! Now that I've got kids I've had to pick and choose the geeky things that make me happy very carefully, and change the way that I spend my money.

What he is doing isn't fair. He needs to better budget his money, and to really take a personal inventory about the things that are really important to him. Like I said, I too am a geek! But my family is more important to me then any hobby. Yes I have them, but I balance my family life with it. Priorities! Family comes first.

Jane_Doe · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 20

Theres even more to it than just "hobbies". Which yes, in my opinion he is consumed by them.

You said ripx187, that you had kids and you set your priorities. I no longer want kids with this person. I have no security as a woman in this marriage. There is no real male,female role in this marriage. Or on the male role at least I feel. He's sooo wrapped up in his hobbies. And theres just no other security there. I know not every man is a plumber, a carpenter, etc. But he's soo dependent on his family. I could understand that he may not be skilled in this stuff, but he hardly even takes the initiative to say hey this needs, fixed or this needs done and to find someone that can. I can't explain it, but I feel no security in my husband being a strong figure in a marriage. It just sickens me to the point that tears are rolling down my face right now.

I know NOTHING more to do than to just give in and do my darnedest to hold in all my thoughts, my feelings my oppinions because I know there is no getting through to him and his family and my only other option is to be alone for ever divorce.

I'm sooo sickened to the point that I wish suicide was an option. I don't believe in it and I fear God too much to do it but oh, I'd give anything sometimes.....

ripx187 · Newbie Joined: 05 May 2008 Posts: 3

That is so sad Jane_Doe. It does suck when we are betrayed or lied to, and I do feel that you were lied to. You're husband has a lot of growing up to do yet, and probably was never ready for marriage in the first place.

I don't know you, but you're mind is headed into a very dark and dangerous place. You don't have children, then good! End things now, before something comes up to complicate then further. Except it as the experience that it gave you, and consider the lesson learned the hard way.

From what you say, there is nothing else that the two of you can gain from being with each other. Even separation might work, but trust me, from my own personal experience, you can't force somebody to be something that they are not. As a guy, I have learned my limits. I can't be anybody but myself, and I can only offer what is mine to give.

You can't change anybody but yourself, and if your needs are not being met, then you need to seek out someone or something that is closer to what you feel you do need. Suicidal thoughts tend to grow and once you start rationalizing them then you are in HUGE trouble. Please don't let yourself fall any deeper, you made a mistake, but on a spiritual note, I think that is what we are here to do. Pick yourself up, dust off your pants, and except the lessons that life throws at you as gracefully as you can.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

I am very concerned that you are being told to leave your husband if your needs are not being met.

Jane_Doe · Newbie Joined: 04 May 2008 Posts: 20

Yes we had been talking about going to counseling. We've both agreed to go. Not sure what degree it will help things but I figure it's worth a shot.

No, I don't "plan" to kill myself. Thats not an option......I don't believe in it and I don't believe one would go to Heaven if they did it so it's not an option.

I'm just saying that sure I feel like it at times, but I'm sure lots of people if not the majority of people "Feel like it" at some point in their life.

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