stuck on information sharing

jackie · Newbie Joined: 29 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and we rarely do more than share information in our private conversations. I am becoming increasingly unlikely to share my feelings with my husband because his unresponsiveness is so hurtful.

I've tried to tell him that even the slightest acknowledement of what I've said would help. I am aware that he he feels a sense of failure if I'm not happy, so I try not to word the expressions of my feelings in a way that places blame on him. I try to think through what I'm going to say so that I'm concise. As I try and fail over and over again I find that the harder I try not to become emotional the more emotional I seem to become, and I couldn't shut him down any faster than with teary eyes. I've tried to write down my feelings so that he doesn't have to deal with my tears but he still does not respond. As soon as I say "I feel", I swear I hear a vault slamming shut. He literally doesn't say a word, looks away, changes the subject, goes to sleep!

My husband is a very compassionate person. I know he loves me. But I feel my need for meaningful communication being met by others. And I become jealous when I hear him having even the slightest meaningful conversation with other people. I'm not blaming him. I think early on in our relationship I didn't realize how I was making him feel inadequate in communication. I've been trying to turn it around and make it right for years and we're just not getting anywhere.

Recently he's "jokingly" made comments that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm usually a confident person, but I feel so rejected and needy when he tunes me out. Often it's taken me days or weeks to get up the courage to share something with him and his unresponsiveness is so painful. My loneliness is almost unbareable some days. He doesn't understand how I could feel lonely.

My husband is otherwise loving, giving, and easy going. He's well respected as a leader in our church. Although, he doesn't have any relationships in which he communicates more than information, I feel like he is paricularly callused to my emotions.

In order to go on living like this I would have to close a part of myself off.
We had a very negative counseling experience once so I don't think he'd be open to that, but I'm affraid if this continues we're opening our marriage to the danger infidelity.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

What about counseling for yourself, without him? There may be tools that you can learn that will help your side of the communication equation and help pull him into communication with you.

What happened at your last counseling experience that was so bad?
Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find a counselor that you both like.
And... we all need marital tune-ups from time to time, so it would be beneficial to both of you to find someone that you are both happy with.

jackie · Newbie Joined: 29 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

It was with a pastor who really just handled it badly. He made assumptions on what "I" needed and jumped into quick problem solving mode. It seemed like he forgot I was there and gave my husband a list of what woman want and what he needed to do to be a "real" man. At one point I spoke up and clarified that I didn't like one of the things he suggested "all" woman like and he turned back to my husband and said, "Well most women like that."

We both left feeling belittled, but I think my husband felt it more because it was coming from another man, one who seemed confident that he had the plan A formula for being a "real" man.

I had not considered seeing someone by myself, but I will.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I don't believe all pastors are well equipped in counseling skills. This pastor showed that is the case. No wonder is was not a good experience.

A professional Christian counselor will be able to give you the guidance that is needed.

The fact that you have feelings this will lead to an affair - is an alarm bell sounding that something needs to be done to help your communication levels.

jackie · Newbie Joined: 29 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

Thanks, Sam.

I just want to clarify that I'm not considering an affair, nor do I think my husband is. I'm just aware of the danger of allowing others to fill a need that should be met by a spouse. Both of us came from families where there was divorce and there was a lot of infidelity in my parents marriage.

I don't think I'd be feeling lonely if I were running to someone else with my feelings when I didn't feel like I could share them with my husband. I hope that neither of us ever let that happen.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

When our guard is down and we are not building protective hedges around our marriages, Satan knows exactly where to strike and where we are most vulnerable. I also believe he places people in our lives just to set the trap for temptation.

That fact that you are scared that you are opening up your marriage to attack - the possibility of infidelity - says alot.

Here's some information on counseling from Growthtrac - http://www.growthtrac.com/special/counseling/

jackie · Newbie Joined: 29 Dec 2006 Posts: 4

I agree with you.

Thanks.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I have prayed for you and your marriage this morning. I've asked God to protect you and to fill you up with the things you need emotionally right now.

Let us know how things are going.

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