Struggle to grow

TIFF4175 · Newbie Joined: 21 Jun 2005 Posts: 9 Location: TEXAS

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have only been married for 3 years. Yes, I lived with him before the marriage. I grew up going to church and I knew right from wrong, but I ran from home at 17. I ran from an abusive father and I ended up living a life of clubbing, drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. I met my husband 12 days after I turned 21 and he helped me quit the drugs and alcohol. We still went to clubs though. I thought he was my "savior". I had him up on a pedestal until he cheated. There are other deeper issues...like him telling my deepest secrets to someone else. He fell from that pedestal and we had a roller-coaster relationship from then on. He cheated more than once before we got married and then once we did get married he cheated with my best friend. Okay, people are asking why I am still with him. I love him is not a good enough answer. I don't believe in divorce is a bigger answer, but I could have left before I got married. I don't know. I have changed in the past couple of years. I have found my way back to the Lord. I have asked for forgivness for all that I did while I strayed from Him. I study the bible almost everyday. I do all kinds of bible studies...for me, for my marriage, for my daughter (really my stepdaughter). I pray that He forgives me for the way I lived in sin. I have so much guilt built up. That and the fact that my husband has cheated more than once has made me a very distant and closed off person. I want to be open to my husband and daughter. I don't like being negative and mean when I respond to them. My husband has really changed so much. He has come closer to the Lord as well, but only so far. He does not feel he needs to do any bible study and we do not pray together except before dinner. We now belong to a church together and we are attending a new members meeting this coming Sunday. I know that my walk with the Lord has only just begun and I am excited to learn and to grow, but my husband does not seem to like all of the changes in me. He still wants the passionate person I was (about sex). I have lost that drive. I feel so much shame for the way I was, I can not bring myself to be that way with my husband. I turn from his touch. I yell at his touch. I hate myself for being this way, but I just don't know how to let that wall down. This is keeping us stuck where we are in our marriage. I am growing as a person and I am completely different around other people, but with my husband and my daughter, I am closed off and bitter. I just don't know what to do.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I am so glad you have posted and welcome to GT.

I have never been in your shoes in terms of my husband cheating, but we were at a point in our marriage at one time where I felt I no longer loved him and I hated his touch. There were baby steps that I had to take each day and they were -

1) Pray for God to restore my desire for my husband
2) Pray for God to help me enjoy his touch and his kisses
3) Pray for God to help me initiate hugs and kisses
4) Pray for my heart to change to one that would love him again
5) Pray for God to show me that my body in not mine to keep, but is a gift from God that I need to freely and lovingly give to my husband.
5) Become connected to a church that was alive, vibrant and relevant in it's teachings of the Bible
6) Joined a couples study group - this is where we first learned we were not alone in our marriage struggles. We developed friendships and accountablity for our marriage.
7) We found a ministry where we could both serve others together. It just so happened to be the Marriage Ministry at our church.
Cool

Taking on the heart of a servant - how can I serve my spouse instead of myself today? It might me small things, like making his lunch. He loves the things I bake, so I try to make something for him.
9) To try and look at the positive traits of my husband that God sees and to ask God to help me take away the negative images/words that come to my mind and my mouth.
10) To find a couple of words each day that build up my husband - with God's help.
11) To build a Board of Directors for our marriage - other strong Christians whose marriages we respect, who will hold us accountable when we need it (and believe me they do!)
12) Don't do marriage alone - just the two of you. A support system of other Christians is an absolute must.
13) Date nights. You plan one week (something he would like) and he plans the next week (something you would like).

"Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn and "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome" by Nancy Anderson are great books. Gary Chapman - "Five Love Languages".

These may seem like huge steps right now, but they can be baby steps toward restoring the intimacy you desire for your marriage. I know they did mine. I am celebrating my 29th wedding anniversary ( I was marriage when I was 19) this Sunday and if you had asked me 15 years ago if we would still be together, I would have given you a resounding NO! But God is a God of Do-Overs and He certainly did a Do-Over on my marriage. I love my husband more now and have a passion for him that is better than when we first married. Kind of amazing, huh?

You are storing up guilt and that is really a great way the Evil One tries to derail us in our growth toward Christ and in our growth in marriage. If it keeps surrounding your thoughts several times throughout the week, consider a time of Christian counseling.

Some scripture to read on guilt -

Psalm 69:5
1 John 1:8-10
Hebrews 10:22-23
Philippians 4:8
Isaiah 1:18
Micah 7:18-19
Psalm 103:12
Isaiah 43:25
Isaiah 38:17

Carebbean · Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 9:06 am Post subject:

TIFF4175

Ditto for coming aboard GT’s community postings.

Although none of us here are experts or “official” marriage counselors, many of us have experienced the same scenarios of our viewers.

Sam gave some awesome tips and suggestions in the response posted and I agree that finding a good Christian counselor will be a key to unlock the guilt feelings that is hanging around your neck right now. Don’t be afraid to get help discovering God’s promises and truths outlined in His word. Though you are familiar with them already, you may just need a little push or encouragement from a third-party (Christian counselor) who has expertise in this specific area of marriage and family therapy.

I would encourage you to pick up a copy of Dr. James Dobson’s book “Love Must Be Tough” in which he clearly identifies helpful and effective behavior boundaries that all of us can incorporate into our marriages. These boundaries are for the offending as well as the offended spouse. It is , by far, the best book on this topic that I have yet read (we at GT have read many, many books on marriage!). THIS IS A MUST READ.

I am very encouraged that you have identified your issues which are causing discourse while affecting the intimacy and trust in your marriage. This is a HUGE step toward healing and reconciliation of your hearts.

Although you certainly have biblical grounds for the dissolution of your marriage, we also encourage you to exhaust all efforts and possible solutions prior to any movement towards divorce. Thousands of Christian marriages have survived unfaithfulness and adultery through the healing power of Christ and the offended spouse’s extension of His grace and forgiveness.

Let’s be honest, the consequences for your husband’s past affairs may exist and sometimes rise to the surface, but I can personally assure you that love, respect, intimacy and oneness in a marriage that has survived an affair can become even greater than in previous years. This, of course, assumes that both partners have a committed (and repentive) personal relationship with Christ

“In this world you will have troubles. But take heart”, Jesus says in John 16:33 , “for I have come to overcome the world (troubles)”.

Finally, read 2Chronicles 7:14 -16 for an incredible look at the "if-then" promises God gives to us about healing our marriages. Humble ourselves, pray, seek His face and turn form our evil ways - then He promises to hear and answer our prayers, never forsake us and heal our wounds (in our marriage).

Believe it, claim it and live it! You have told others about believing what Christ has promised to do for us in 1John 1:9 …….. now it's your turn!!!

Blessings.

chickenwired · Newbie Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 9

TIFF, I was here about a year ago with similar issues in my marriage and these folks give great advice. I don't know how effective an advisor I am, but I would say what helped me the most was focusing more on my relationship with Christ and praying for my wife. God is showing me (slowly over time, and by various means) how to be the husband and man he wants me to be, but I'm nowhere near done yet. I just want to encourage you to find rest in the arms of Jesus knowing that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Man, I love Romans 8!!). When I look back over the last year, I see God's fingerprints all over me, my wife and my marriage, but I had to give them all to Him for that to happen. I'm going to stop here, cause I can get a little wordy (ain't that right, Sam?).

Edited for Carebbean: "Spooooooooooooon!!!!"

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Chickenwired -

Yeah God for the growth in your marriage and the growth in yourself!!
He is a God of do-overs.

So glad to see you back on the board and doing well.

TIFF4175 · Newbie Joined: 21 Jun 2005 Posts: 9 Location: TEXAS

Thank you all so much for your advice. I am going to print it out and I will study the verses. I plan on looking for the books as well. My mother gave me one at christmas time by Dr. Emerson called Love & Respect. This has been a great insight into many of our problems. I am doing bible studies along with reading the book and I am taking quite a few notes. The hard part is implementing the things I find I need to do into my life. I keep finding myself being negative and hiding. I do reach out a little but, I draw back into myself it goes too far. I think the good thing is the fact that I Know what I need to do and I Know what I have to work on. At least I am not in the dark and just giving up. I think that helps me keep on pushing to save us.

Again, thank you all for your advice.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Hiding has to end for healing to occur -

I like Matthew 4:21-22 -

In Verse 22 especially "For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.

Your light through Christ will begin to shine more brightly if you are able to find a way out of hiding.

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