Should we marry someone who's mature as ourself? - Spiritual maturity in marriage

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

What are your thoughts on spiritual maturity matters within marriage?

Do you recommend that a person marry someone as mature or more mature in Christ as they are? Does it not matter as long as they are a Christian? (especially if it is a wife who has more years in Christ on her; I've heard that a person (the husband) cannot lead where they have never been). Yes, we all are at different points in our walk with the Lord, and may never be at the same place at the same time, but do you feel it would be less painful if they two are both mature?

What do you think?

Grace · Full Member Joined: 24 May 2001 Posts: 90 Location: IL.

Daneille,
I personally don't think that if you marry someone as "spiritually mature as you are" that there will be less problems. Marriage is cultivated by time, love, and God. There are always issues. I think you have to look at marriage as a willingness to grow together in Christ. The level of maturity of each individual is of little importance compared to his/her commitment level to a happy, healthy marriage and family.
I have many Christian girlfriends who are married to unbelievers. They constantly say to me, "Well, your lucky, your married to a believer. If I were married to a believer, my marriage would be easy." This is simply not so. Because my husband is a believer in Christ, this takes the spiritual element out. But the marital, relational piece is still there. Even though we are both Mature Christians, we are still human. Selfish, and petty. Our marriage is grown out of a love and commitment. Above all a burning desire to know the Lord, personally, as well as maritally. Don't be too hung up on Spiritual Maturity, you or him may not be as mature in some area's as you think.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hi Grace,

Definitely! Commitment level is crucial. And I can agree with that. In fact, I'm not really desiring to marry someone soooo mature in the Lord necessarily, but to see that committed, dedicated walk with him, because the rest will take care of itself in time. However, I do desire someone who has some form of maturity in that we can talk about scriptures together, share what the Lord is doing in our lives, and just have Christ at the center.

Not so much "less problems" but "less painful" if you are married to someone on the same spiritual page as you are. Seems like there would be more of a united front and not alot of division if the couple isn't growing in opposite directions spiritually. I definitely know that all marriages will have problems and that Christian marriages aren't problem-free but that we have a "added insurance" if Christ is at the center of that marriage, no doubt.

But yes, a person's commitment, direction & purpose is what I'm referring to, and not necessarily "how long" one has been in Christ. Not the QUANTITY but the QUALITY!

Very Happy

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Here is a great resource on the Subject.

Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage
by Lee Strobel, Leslie Strobel

Much-needed help for "unequally yoked" couples!
I've been looking for a book like this for years! As a Christian married to a spiritual skeptic, I've wrestled with all sorts of emotions, pain, and difficulties. Finally, a couple who has actually lived in an "unequally yoked" marriage has written a biblical, practical guidebook for how to deal with the inevitable conflicts that arise in such relationships. This book has it all -- how to get through the arguments and disagreements; how to raise children in a spiritually confusing environment; how to talk to your spouse about God; how to pray for your partner (the book includes a 30-day prayer guide); and so on. It also features chapters on whether Christians should even date non-Christians; what to do if you and your spouse are both Christians but one is less spiritually mature than the other; and how to handle the situation if your spouse is a member of another religion.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Thanks Davep! I've already bombarded myself with possible books to add to my collection on this subject so I'll add this to my wishlist too.

Another question:

If a wife is the one more spiritually advanced, can a husband even lead her? Is it even possible?

Grace · Full Member Joined: 24 May 2001 Posts: 90 Location: IL.

Yes Danielle, a man can lead her. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we know and how mature we are, we forget that God is in control. He will work it to His good and perfect plan. Someone who is a young believer can grow leaps and bounds above a mature believer. The way that God has wired you up has alot to do with it too. Maybe he doesn't have as many "years" under his belt, or as much knowledge. But maybe his gift is wisdom. And he will pass you by leaps and bounds. Especially in application. Remember that he will have a much different slant of the world than you, which can help both of you navagate your lives much better. Commitment!! Grace

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hey Grace,

I definitely agree! You couldn't have said it better. A husband can certainly grow by leaps & bounds IF he is open to allowing God control. Even if a wife has more knowledge, if a husband has a thirst & hunger for the Word, and disciplines himself to study & grow, he can definitely surpass her. My pastor has stated this too. On the flip side, I've heard Christians say "how can a person lead where he's never been?"

By the way, how old are you & how long have you been married?

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Our maturity is not a function of knowledge, nor of years, but rather christian maturity is measured by how much you have moved out and the Holy Spirit has moved in.

Jesus is our goal, he is our focus not the Bible, not knowledge, not information, not any facts we become aware of along the way.

We tend to measure christian maturity by the things we pick-up along our walk, rather than the character that God is building in us during that walk.

How do you measure your Christian Maturity?

Janine · Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2002 9:24 am Post subject:

How do you measure anything spiritual?

You have a framework or rose-trellis or guideline you can use from the Bible, to check up on some basics... but, really isn't the fruit produced the only way to check up on spiritual growth?

A spouse can honor the position of "wife" or "husband" without condoning a spiritual immaturity or even downright sin. That's part of the "conversation" silently leading an unbelieving spouse to the faith.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Amen Davep! I'm totally in agreement with that. In fact my pastor was saying the same thing. Not measuring maturity by knowledge, but more so by that person's direction & purpose. He also added that if a person is all the way in a certain direction and Christ, and the other person is a "rookie" and is only giving lip service and is all the way in the other direction, it would not be wise to marry this person, but to marry someone who has some years on him. There ought to be some fruit.

How do I measure it?
The fruit of the spirit. Allowing the spirit control in your life day-to-day is my yard stick. If they are willing to enthrone Christ and the head of their life, striving to submit to & follow him daily.

Janine · Posted: Fri Jun 14, 2002 5:47 am Post subject:

All you can go by IS the fruit; not only identifiable fruit of the Spirit, but simple visible fruit/results/consequences in general.

Waiting for inner promptings of the Spirit to guide us, with no verification from the Scriptures, is a chancy thing. We are 'way too influenced by our feelings and the loving (or not) pressures that come from people who are important to us.

We've GOT to measure things by the Word; it (the Bible), and He (the Son), being so much the same, are the perfect measurement and guide, to keep us on the narrow path.

Hang onto the Father, Son and Spirit, live in the Bible daily--- this is a plan that will mature us, help us pick a mate who will glorify God, and help us to do so, too.

Grace · Full Member Joined: 24 May 2001 Posts: 90 Location: IL.

Danielle,
I am 40, and have been married 15 years. My husband and I serve as a mentor couple for young couples who want to be married there. It is very fulfilling. We have grown so much as a couple and in our relationship w/Christ as a result.
Grace

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Janine,
Exactly!

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

There are many ways to determine our own christian maturity. Unfortunately many christians are more interested in measuring maturity of other christians; for this there is no measurement tool.

Many of the qualities of a christian are not seen, as they are part of one's character, and while some of their fruits will be seen, many good deeds, thoughts, and actions will not be apparent or notice by others to take account of.

Christain maturity is a personal thing, between you and God, it is not a goal or an achievement, becuase we have no control over it, other than to give the Holy Spirit more real estate, it is simply the outcome of the Holy Spirit's work.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Davep,
I definitely can agree w/ your comments since God is the potter, we are the clay. However, I wouldn't say there is "no" measuring tool. You can tell by a person's conduct, conversation & character. I have several Christian co-workers here in my office, and our mailroom guy who is 53 is very mature in the Lord, by the conversations we've had and him sharing with me what God has bought him through and other experiences. True, you might not "see" certain things, but I think a person can know another person's maturity in Christ, to some degree, especially through having conversations with someone. If I'm talking to someone who can tell me what the Bible says about certain things (say spiritual warfare, or whatever), then it's evident that this person has been studying their word, are going to a church where the true Word is being taught, etc. As a person dedicates himself to his walk with Christ and takes on more & more of the nature and character of Christ, this can be seen.

On the other hand, if I'm talking to a fairly new believer in Christ, they may not know anything about spiritual warfare, because they haven't grown to know about it yet. They are on the road to this maturity. They are on milk and not solid food yet, as the Bible mentions. I happen to know that my mother's husband is not very mature in Christ (she has personally stated this) eventhough he has been in the Lord for quite a while, he is stilll a "babe" from the things she has told me. Things that are not very Christlike at all, and things you would not expect from a Christian husband. So I'm just saying you can tell to some extent by a person's walk & their talk.

So I think there are "some" measurements, overall.

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