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Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Posts: 113
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 Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:18 pm Post subject: Should I take a chance? |
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Hello! I had to change my username to get back on. I use to go by RJ. We changed isp and so therefore changed e-mail servers. My story is on the "Consequences" post in early January.
I would like your opinion on this. My husband would like to renew our vows. Part of me wants to but the other part does not. It's only been 1 1/2 years since the discovery of his secret other life. I know he is trying so hard to show me that he has changed but there is still the trust issue. I'm trying so hard to leave this in God's hands. It's just still so fresh and new in my mind. I'm trying to replace negative with positive thoughts. This may be wrong but I would like to keep my "out" so to speak. I feel that if I renew our vows that it would be wrong if I decide to leave in the future because if I renew it would mean I have totally put the past behind us. I don't know that I can right now. Is this wrong when he is trying so hard to save our marriage. It's just that he lied to me for 31 years about what he had done in the past and even recently with his porn and adult porn house visit in 2006. He says the Lord has really given him a miracle of not even wanting to mast. anymore. Cold turkey. I want to believe him but I cannot. Not yet. I'm just not sure about anything. I just don't want to be made a fool of anymore so I am very wary of anything and everything. Would really appreciate all opinions. Thanks RJ |
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SAM
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Joined: 03 Mar 2001
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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Your husband is holding out an olive branch to you.
It seems like you are still processing forgiveness... and aren't quite there yet. Until you are at a place of complete and total forgivness, then you should wait to stand before the Lord again to renew your vows.
There is nothing that says you are to forget - that is a self-preservation mode that the Lord gives us. But, he does tell us to forgive as we have been forgiven by him - which is, over and over and over and over again.
Until you can "get there" where you can look in your husband's eyes and have no doubt of his sincerity, brokeness and truthfulness - then wait for a time. But, don't hold this over his head as a "you haven't proven yourself yet" type of proposition. That's self-defeating to you and to your marriage. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:44 am Post subject: |
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Thanks SAM
I know you're right. I think the other thought I have is that he hasn't (in my mind) suffered enough. He loaded me down with so much (31 years) of this horrible baggage. He freed his shoulders and made mine heavy. I didn't do anything to deserve all of this. I was the devoted wife and mother. It's almost like what's the point. I wondered why God would allow me to marry such a person. I've always been a very easy going person. I'm not saying I haven't done things I shouldn't have but not of this magnitude. I just can't get over being fooled for so long. It's scary knowing I slept beside this person who is suppose to be my best friend and I had no clue of his deceit. You talked of looking in his eyes, I did for so many years and thought I saw trustworthyness. I was fooled. I've about decided to have him go for a lie dectector test. He says "yes" to that. Now I have to decide on the questions to ask. I don't think I'm being unreasonable about this. It's just that I don't know if and when he's lying anymore. So many things have changed. I don't know what I feel about him anymore. Do I love him or is it just habit? I feel kindness to him at times then I get so angry at him when negative thoughts appear about his deceit. He is constantly caring and considerate to me. He does not hammer at me to be intimate.( believe it or not we still are, just not like we use to be). I can't even tell him I love him and I use to all the time. I can't even buy him a birthday card or anniversary card because of what they say about love and about memories being made together. I feel all our beautiful memories ( and we've had plenty) are marred and tainted. I want so badly to just forgive and forget and start over fresh. Have our marriage be right this time since he is now aware of what it has cost him. He mainly wants to be right with God. It's nice that he does have a clean slate since he has confessed all to God and me. I know that must be so wonderful after the torment of living with his deceit. He knows God has forgiven him, he just hasn't forgiven himself. It can be hard at times believing that God can and did forgive him for all the horrible things he has done. He does carry such shame, guilt and remorse. Yet he also has this shine about him as one feels when set free of such a sin. It can be so confusing at times. I don't want to hinder God's work in any way. I'm just so torn. Sorry so long but you don't know how freeing this site is. Just to be able to talk even typing it out. It's amazing to me how much people are hurting. I just can't understand why people can't be decent and treat others with respect. How hard is that? RJ |
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SAM
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 9:43 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Do I love him or is it just habit? |
It's a choice.
| Quote: | | I just can't understand why people can't be decent and treat others with respect. How hard is that? |
Sin - it's with us everyday. We are part of a broken and fallen world.
People proclaim Christ with their mouths, but reject his warning signals with their hearts. There is always a nudge from the Holy Spirit to do the right thing - always. We just don't want to listen. Our hearts tune him out and grow cold. We fail to spend time with him in prayer and in his word on a daily basis - then wonder how we fall so hard and where God is in all of this? We are the ones who have walked away - God has not.
| Quote: | | It can be hard at times believing that God can and did forgive him for all the horrible things he has done. |
He has been forgiven. We all have been. Hard to believe at times that our sins can be washed white as snow, but that's a promise that has been made to us through the blood of Christ.
Think about our mentors in the bible - King David wasn' exactly a class act and he walked through adultery too. Moses murdered. Yet God still used these men for His glory. There were consequences dished out from God. God is just, he is righteous and sin does not go unpunished by him. It might be the type of punishment we would like to see  , but that's why we're not God.
| Quote: | | I think the other thought I have is that he hasn't (in my mind) suffered enough. |
Do you feel he hasn't hurt as much as he hurt you? That his pain should be equal to or greater than yours? It's not unusual to feel that way. But you have to ask yourself if it is consuming your thoughts, does this have more to do with an eye for an eye? Getting even? Revenge? Those thoughts are not from God. Remember, whatever is pure, noble, trustworthy, etc. - those are thoughts from God.
I pray that you are still going to counseling for yourself. I really hope you are. Without continuing, it's going to be very difficult to work through all of these thoughts and feelings.
| Quote: | | I don't want to hinder God's work in any way. |
Have you fully surrendered and handed this over into God's hands? If there are things you are still holding onto - then the answer is no. He's capable of dealing with your husband and also in helping you heal your broken heart. He's capable of restoring your love for your husband - ask Him. He's capable of helping you forgive - ask Him.
Moment by moment, minute by minute, day by day - as these angry or bitter thoughts enter your mind, ask God to remove them from you. He will. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 10:29 am Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for replying SAM.
Sometimes I wonder if counseling would really benefit. I'm a very private person. How does one open up to a total stranger? I think that would be very hard for me. It's easy typing ones thoughts to strangers but talking face to face. I don't know. Also like I've mentioned before, you never know what's out there, good or bad counselors.
I have had thoughts of revenge (telling his parents). Just to make him hurt. His parents think he's wonderful and could do no wrong. His mother always comments that I am so lucky to have a husband like him.. My father-in-law has always been a very selfish man, has even made her move out because he became involved with a cult and felt she was not up to his superior thinking. He woke up and they are together. You can tell she still has security issues with him. My husband was very angry with his dad for treating his mom like that. I'm now going, "WHAT? Hello, what you did was terrible too". This would hurt his mother so much. I wonder, is he being good now because he is truly sorry or is he terrified his parents will find out. That's where the lie detector comes in. He needs to be accountable to someone other than me. He doesn't think so. He feels it's me he has done this to, therefore, he should prove himself only to me. True, but I feel someone else needs to know also. I have a problem with him wanting to keep this private and not having anyone know what he has done. I think it would help me if someone knew and could reenforce my feelings to him so that this will never reoccur. I still worry that if I let this go too easily that he would be apt to fall back into porn because he has barely gotten his hand slapped over all of this. Again, where are his consequences in all of this? He feels his are the feelings of shame, remorse, and knowing what he has destroyed. I say his feelings don't cut it or in other words, aren't enough to make me think he has really seen what he has done. We all feel bad when we are caught. What will it take for me to feel I can possibly trust him? I think more than his feelings about himself. I feel that he needs to prove to me somehow more than with just words. Reason is I've always been deceived by his words before. Now his words are empty to me. I cannot rely on them anymore. He is very willing to go to counseling. I know I said I wanted someone else to know but would just a counselor be enough. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 10:40 am Post subject: |
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| Also, what are some good books that we could read? Is Torn Asunder a good one? I've read some negative reviews on Every Heart Restored. Help would be appreciated. |
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SAM
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Sometimes I wonder if counseling would really benefit. I'm a very private person. How does one open up to a total stranger? I think that would be very hard for me. It's easy typing ones thoughts to strangers but talking face to face. I don't know. Also like I've mentioned before, you never know what's out there, good or bad counselors. |
Because a counselor is a professional who is trained to deal with these issues. Because a counselor can provide you with insight and direction and help you talk things out and come to resolution. Because a counselor can help you work on you and then help your husband work on himself, then help you both work on your marriage.
Counseling brings strength to you and strength to a marriage. Having been in a place of complete and total breakdown in my marriage, I know that we would never be in a place of restoration if we hadn't walked through a counselor's door. We are better for it.
I believe you can usually tell by your 3rd session if a counselor is going to work for you. If you're not feeling comfortable, find another counselor. Also, God calls us into community, he calls us to seek wisdom and accountability. This can be done with a good Christian counselor. We still go for tune-ups from time to time.
Self-help is an oxymoron. It means we're being self-reliant instead of God-reliant. If self could help, we wouldn't be in the mess we find ourselves in.
Failure to dig deep and not deal with the issues, will only make things worse. It means that you stuff the issues and eventually they have a way of resurfacing their ugly heads to show up again later. Anxiety, depression and anger will take it's toll on you and separate you from your relationship with God.
Dear sister, I pray that you will overcome your fears and talk to a counselor by phone and at least step out and make that first appointment. Otherwise, I fear you are going to find yourself in a continual spin cycle of anger, fear, bitterness and resentment.
I've read both Torn Asunder and Every Heart Restored and would recommend both. Also, Getting Past the Affair is another excellent book but it is written from a clinical perspective by PHD's. It does not bring God into the mix, but offers very solid and practical advice. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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| How do you begin to find a counselor who will go according to God's word? I have looked up Christian counselors in our area and the only ones are women that are associated with the Christian site for finding counselors. I don't believe my husband would feel comfortable talking with a woman, you know being very open about what he has done. I don't mind either one. Can you just call and ask if they counsel based on God's word? Did it matter to you or your husband which was used? Male/Female? I do need to go forward. I keep bumping up against a wall of resentment. I seem to go forward then a trigger as simple as seeing a couple dancing makes me sad. I don't feel I could ever dance with him even at a wedding because that was how he manuvered his way at the bars to meet these people. That's one more thing he took away from me, that should have only been ours. So small, but so big. Thanks SAM for talking to me. It really does help. I hope other people who just come on to read these posts (like I use to) can sign on and talk too. I've prayed for a site like this. Thanks again. RJ |
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SAM
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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I would call and ask the questions you feel you need to ask.
1) Do you counsel based on God's truth in the Bible?
2) Are you a follower of Jesus Christ?
If there are no male counselors in the practice, ask if they can refer you to someone. If you feel you and your marriage will make more progress with a male counselor, then that's the direction to take.
Can you make some calls today?
I'm your accountability partner. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll hold you to that SAM. I'm going to talk with my husband tonight about this. I have to go out of town tomorrow but will get the info to start Monday. Those are great questions to ask. I hope we are able to find at least one around here. I was quite shocked that there were no men counselors listed on the Christian site I was on. Surely that does not mean that there are not any. Please pray that we can get connected with the right one. Again, thanks alot. Means more than you will ever know. RJ |
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