She feels the need to keep lying

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

I am new here. A short catch up, over the last several years my marriage was coming apart at the seems and neither her or myself took the steps to keep it from falling apart. Last Jan. i caught my wife in an affair. I had suspected it for a while but i couldn't prove it and then that day i had my confrimation. I can't describe the emtional state that i went thru over the next several hours afterwards. So for the last year she has reassured me that she wants to work on our marriage but her actions do not suppourt that. I have caught her in lie after lie after lie. and i have always said this is the last time but the last time has never came. after she moved out i started to drink, i found that if i was drunk enough i didn't feel or remember the pain so much. Then one day like someone turned on a light switch i knew i was follwoing the wrong path. i stopped going to bars and started listening at church instead of just being a warm body there. i invited Christ into my life when i was 17 but i never lived my life like He walked beside me. So after that day I decided i would do all that I could do on my end of the marriage to reconcile things. I have read book after book and we did go to a Chisitan counselor for a while but then she said it wasn't helping and she didn't want to go any more so we stopped. she even had papers drawn up and signed them but never filed them nor gave them to me. I took that as sign a good sign. I love this woman more than i can ever describe in words. i know i had my faults in the marriage and i am trying to work on them. I feel she still blames me for everything down to her affair and i refuse to take any blame for the affair i do however own my mistakes in the marriage.

well that is a start i know it is pretty vague to i guess all that to ask this question. She still feels the need to lie or as she says hiding things because of the way i will react. The lies continue after she has expressed to me she does not want a divorce. The lies to me does not indicate that she does not want a divorce. i have started seeing the christian counselor again on my own. my emotions and my head is a complete mess. i am reading Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman now. It suggest not to put a time line on anything when it comes to expectations i might have from her. Can someone tell my why she might continue to lie about things. The lies i have caught her in revolove around some guy calling her and i ask her to stop talking to other guys if we were trying to reconcile our marriage it wasn't healthy and by no means did it suggest that she was focused on our marriage. She insist that he is just a friend. and it is not the guy that she had the affair with, she says it was emotional but i don't believe that either because of all the lies she has told. i tried to express to her i need the transparency to start rebuilding trust in her that has been broken down.

Please don't think i am making out our marital problems to be all her fault but i feel that she should provide some kind of commitment to our marriage if she insists on working on our marriage and i think a big step in that direction would be to stop the lying.

i am at my wits end, i often wander when my limit will be reached and somedays i think i have reached it but then thru prayer and faith that God has something great in store for us i find it in myself to endure more and more from her. I am not sure when enough is enough, i don't feel that God has told me to through in the towel.

I am at a point i am so confused and her mixed signals keep me hanging on. We have to kids 8 and 4 and they can see that all of this has tore me down. I am sure they are suffering too, i reasure them that they are loved and none of this is there fault. when they ask if i still love Mama i don't lie i tell them both that i love her very much and i do.

i am at lose as to what to do. i apologize if all this seems like rambling.
hope someone can offer some kind of words of wisdom. feel free to ask me anything i know i have left details out but could you imgaine how long this would have been if i had added them all in....

thanks in advance

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

We're so glad you have come to GT community.

There is brokenness going in both directions. I'm very glad to hear you are going back to counseling for yourself. Only God will be able to bring her to a place where she recognizes her part in your marital breakdown. It doesn't sound like she is in that place yet.

She should not have had an affair. But is has happened and the broken pieces need to be put back together again. When a woman no longer feels beautiful and cherished by her husband, or that she can trust him, it may help her justify why she should move her heart elsewhere. She may not be in a place yet where she feels there is enough change in you and where she can hand her heart over to you again. This could be why she keeps talking to her "other" friend. In no way do I condone this behavior or justify it. She should not be talking to other "male" friends. In the same way, I'm sure she would not want you speaking to other "female" friends.

There is a hedge of protection that both of you need to put around your marriage. That means no phone calls, text messages or e-mails or any meals with members of the opposite sex.

As for what God may want you to do - love her like he loves her. Forgive her, like he forgives her. Stop pointing out her flaws and start working on your own. And, it seems like you are willing to do that. Good job - that you are willing to look at your contributions to your marital troubles.

Keep working on you and hand her over to God to let him work on her. That is all you can do. And, in time - ask her if she will join you in counseling again. If you went into counseling before to work on changing her, instead of yourself, that could be why she walked away last time.

Some additional books to consider -

Torn Asunder by Dave Carder
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian

When a couple walks away, little by little, from the God that loves them - they lose the capacity to love each other.

Also, I want to encourage you to not use your "actual" name on the boards. Please go in and delete this info in your post, or start a new user name. It has caused huge problems on the boards with some members and their spouses.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

thank you for the words of encouragment. most people today just say cut your loses now, which i don't feel is the right thing to do. i am working on removing my name or creating another profile i guess since i can not find a way to change my user name i will be back as someone new before to long....thanks again!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Just want you to protect your privacy and that of your wife.

There are many couples - many - that recover and thrive and build better marriages after infidelity. There are many here on the boards.

Marriage is not disposable...

When you stood at the altar, if someone had asked you, will you stay married even if your spouse is unfaithful, what would your response have been? Maybe?

Otherwise, until death do you part, really has no meaning.

Cut your losses, is what people think is the easy way out of your pain. The thing is, God grows us up and works on us during times like these. We really have to look to him. When we run away, it doesn't give him the opportunity to do his best work.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Send an e-mail to contact@growthtrac.com
The administrator will help you figure it out with your profile and how to change it.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

Sam

i have seen my faith and the need for God in my life grow beyond measure over the last several months. There are days i want to throw my hands in the air and just give up, today beinging one of them.

The book i mentioned that i am reading Hope for the Separated suggest that I work on my relationship with Christ and work on the faults that i see within myself that contributed to the break down in the marriage. Those are two things i am trying hard to do. And the other thing was to let God work on her.

As far as the phone calls that i mentioned in my original post do i just look the other way? i have tried to convey to her my concern for those types of calls and how i feel it is unhealthy for the reconcillation of our marriage. Her reply to me was that i was being controlling.

i am just so unsure of what to do or say these days.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Go to her again - let her know how much the calls with other men bother you. You want to rebuild the friendship you have with her. That can't happen if she is sharing things she should be sharing with you with another man. And, it is what she needs to do for you to rebuild trust. If you can get her back to counseling with you, then it is something to discuss further. It's a big step toward trusting her again.

You can't stop the calls. You can only ask. Her response may still be that you are too controlling. As hard as it is, pray. Pray that God touches her heart so she realizes the calls are damaging to your marriage. When you know the calls come in, pray. Pray for the person on the other end of the line to be convicted by God to stop calling.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

you know Sam i have never thought about praying for the other person i always pray for me, her and the kids. She is not ready for counseling she told me that when i ask her what she thought about going with me. She did tell me she was going to make an appointment with a counselor but that was three weeks ago. so once again she she has failed to do something that she said she would. i am so tired of giving and giving and giving just to be greated with the same rejection and coldness. i try to very hard to trust her and it is hard when she does nothing to reassure that she is trust worthy. and when i do get a little bit of trust built up i catch her in some lie and it all dissapears again.

she once told our pastor in front of me that she was not a forgiving person. After that sat with me for a couple of days i told her i was concerned for about not being able to forgive. She just got quite and had nothing to say.

i don't think i can say it enough, thank you for taking the time to respond. i am glad God lead me to this website.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

rdsmith3, my wife too has some things that happened in her child hood that i think effects her greatly. I know she has told me and a counselor that those things have their place but they seem to keep popping up from time to time. She once told me she has only ever told one person about one of the things that happened, she has never told me and we have been married for 10 years and together 12. i tried to express to her that i wish she would share her pain with me no matter how tough that i felt that i should carry part of that burden for her or with her.

these days i find it so hard to keep my head straight some days i have a good hold on myself and do not let my emotions control me and other days i really have no say so in it.

One thing i have recently started to do was this. I don't hate or dislike my wife in any way. i dislike her behavior, with that being said i know who is behind her behavior i know who is behind the other man sweet talking her and who is behind her giving in, i know who the other man is on the phone when he calls we all know him just in this world today no one wants to acknowldge who it really is. i know that i am fighting satan and temptations the he produces the greener grass that looks so good. i fight his temptations every day i am sure most of you here do to.

that is one thing that keeps me from giving up. if i give up, i give my wife that i have hurt so much and love more than i can every show her to the devil. i give up my family to the devil, maybe it doesnt effect my kids now but later down the road satan will be after them too. i almost refuse to let him have them, i hope i am strong enough to hang in there.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

You are strong enough, if you ask God to cover you with his strength. Left to our own devices, we don't have the reserves.

The fact that you recognize the pull of this world on your family is awesome. Many husbands and dads don't see that.

You have people here on the boards who will keep you and your family covered in prayer. Ask, any time you have special needs for pray - we will pray for you.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

Thank you for the prayers they are needed.

broken07 · Junior Member Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 42

Sam you mentioned her beging very far from loving God and herself right now. I know she has told me she is not happy with herslef and i have often wandered about how far from God she is. We both have staid in church for the last year we have been separated. Just recently she changed sunday school classes and i didn't try to follow her wasn't easy but i didn't. i notice when i go to pick up the kids that she has certain books lying around the house and i know i have gave her christian books and she tells me she doesn't have time to read them. so i do wander if she actually reads the books, for example the power of a praying parent i see alot and she gave me the book too. when i started reading it i ask her if she had read any of it and she said no. stuff like that makes me think that she has not gave up on God, but that she well i guess for lack of better words, will not turn to Him or let Him in her life.

over a period of time she has ask me how i know that i can change the things on my end that contributed to our marital problems and i answer her the same way each time, God will help me He will help me change the things i need to. and one night she said to me on the phone, you always answer that question the same way and i told her that was the only correct answer i knew.

i am not perfect by no means i have many faults but is just seems so strange that i can close my eyes and God can show me the amazing marriage He will provide for us if we just let Him.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

I am hoping a womans perspective can help you.
My husband has been having an affair since 12/2006. In september of last year he moved out of our home into a nother house we own with the ow. About every two and a half weeks she would leave and stay gone a few days at which time he would come home saying it was over. She would start calling and he would leave they would move into the house again. He came home last November having lost his job at the end of October(because of her) and stayed till the end of December. Left again then back, she went out of state for about three weeks came back and this time he took all his belongings because she told him she had never stayed because he was not fully committed to her. She is a drug user an alcoholic and is on government assistance.
I tell you all that so you will understand where I am coming from.
When my husband left the first time I was fine with him leaving. I was very hurt and resentful that he could do what he had done to me. God began to deal with me and show me that my husband was in bondage. Satan had him bound and if I gave up on him he would be lost forever. I was to stand in the gap and pray for his deliverance. That is not easy.
Ask of God what it is he would have you do. We have all made mistakes.
I love my husband more at this point than I did a year ago. God put that love in my heart.
Everyone tells me the same thing they do you. If they did it once they will do it again. Go on with your life find someone else.
God has spoken to me and the ways of God is not the ways of man.
You keep on praying. If God has called you to stand for your wife and your marriage He will see that your marriage is restored and better than ever. "Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen," Hebrews 11-1
I am praying for you,

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