SEXLESS MARRIAGE

BLUEMARE · Newbie Joined: 03 Mar 2003 Posts: 16

My husband hasn't touched me since August of 2002. We haven't had full intercourse since June 2002 when we were on vacation. He says it's not me. He says he's just not "into it" anymore. We went through intense counseling in 2000 when I discovered he had been visiting internet porn sites. I stripped our house of the internet so he no longer has access to it. He was in counseling for 4 months by himself and then one month more with me. I believe our marriage was healed and we moved on. But our sex life never returned to what it once was. Now I don't even invite him to bed anymore because I can't take being rejected again. He won't ask the doctor if it may be related to a drop in testosterone (he's 42) and quietly ignores me if I bring it up.

I love him dearly. Besides this issue, we get along great. We're good friends, we love church together and we complement each other very well. I feel very alone because this question usually comes from the man who wants more sex and his wife doesn't. I'm the odd ball here. I need answers.

webacus · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2003 2:12 pm Post subject:

First, welcome to Growthtrac. I affirm you for having the courage to pursue this issue.

Have you asked your husband if he'd consider seeking help from his physician? This could be a [treatable] medical condition.

Also, I've heard great things about this book; you might want to check it out. The Sex Starved Marriage.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2047 Location: Chicago

First, my heart and prayers go out to you.

This is such a touchy subject with our husbands.

A couple of things and a couple of thoughts - rejection is really hard to take, but it can eventually bring bitterness into the relationship which is what you want to avoid. I really feel that when we take the joy of intimacy away, it is a window for Satan to jump in.

Have you had an opportunity for just the 2 of you to get away together, even for an overnighter, since August 2002?
If not, plan something for the two of you and surprise him.
You have expressed a deep desire to still have this be a part of your relationship, but does your husband really, really know how much you still desire him? Have you expressed this to him?

I think we all go through lulls in our physical relationship, but 42 is NOT Old! Can you make an appointment to go to the doctor together? Maybe that would show him how much you really are concerned. Also, the excitement of not having pornography in his life may or may not still be a factor.

Someone has to come off the fence with regard to this. He has withdrawn, you feel rejected and you are at an impass. As hard as it may be, you may have to be the one to do all the work and make the first moves. That may not be right, that may not be fair, but sometimes it is what God really calls us to do. :crazy:

I wish you the best and may Christ fill your heart will all you need right now and the wisdom to work through this with the love of your life.

Janine · Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2003 9:16 pm Post subject:

For him to be like that in his forties, I automatically think "health problem"!

It sure is worth a physical. When was his last physical?

{{{praying}}} for you...

Alithia · Newbie Joined: 16 Feb 2003 Posts: 5

I commend you for getting rid of the internet in your house. I know it can be very useful especially forums and spiritual resources like these, but as the Word says, if your right hand offends you, cut it off.

I have had the opportunity to be a part of a few small men’s groups where we held each other accountable to the temptations and struggles of pornography. Every man I have spoken with said his wife thought the husband’s addiction was some how their fault, or their lack of sexual desire was their fault. And most of the time, it has nothing to do with the wife. One of the problems with pornography is that it will destroy and tear down the reality of a good sex life with a husband and wife. That physical reality is replaced by a fantasy life that takes no effort, and that provides instant gratification. The problem with this is that it’s not real, won't last, and it consumes and destroys instead of growing and bringing life into the relationship. Real marriage intimacy requires much work, sacrifice, and time. The rewards far outweigh any immediate temporary fix, but it’s very difficult once the husband has experienced that to give it up for the real thing. It takes a renewing of the mind through Christ.

I praise God your husband has been in counseling. There may be a physical problem, but I’m almost certain, it is most likely an excuse to not face the reality of intimacy with you. That relationship must be rebuilt and will require much work and prayer. It’s easier to hide in the fantasy life. Even if he no longer has access to pornographic material, I'm sure those thoughts and images are still filling his mind and providing him with a way of escape. I'm sure he desperately wants to abandon those things and have a real intimacy in marriage with you, but he must surrender his mind to Christ. I’d encourage you to stand by him in prayer and support and talk about it often if he is open.

BLUEMARE · Newbie Joined: 03 Mar 2003 Posts: 16

Thank you for your kind response. We used to go away together. Funny, but now that I think of it, those times away were the only times we made love. Our bed at home as been unused, except for sleeping in, since June 2002. I know I'm gonna have to step up to the plate do the work. I usually do. I guess that's why I've let it go this long. I keep hoping he'll "get it" and do the work first.

The latest kicker to this whole story is yesterday, March 4th, was our 8th anniversary. He forgot all about it until he finally asked me if something was wrong at 6 o'clock last evening. I just asked him to tell me what date it was. Then he remembered. I can't begin to tell you of the pain and hurt.

I don't want anyone to think that he's a total cad, though. Valentine's Day and my birthday 5 days later were great. Loving cards, flowers, a nice dinner out and good conversation.

I know there's hope here. I will never consider divorce. That word is not in our vocabulary at all. I'm just tired of doing the work; tired of waiting; tired of being the strong one.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2047 Location: Chicago

Oh, I feel your anguish, your pain, your struggle and your tears my dear child, says our Lord.

I know in my marriage, God has called me to step up and I have kicked and dragged my feet all the way. But sometimes
He has come back to remind me His grace is sufficient. He promises to have good things ahead for us.

I recently was at a seminar where the speaker challenged us to think of grace as more than God's forgiveness, that is only an attribute of His grace. He said Grace is really God's unmerited favor. He gives this to us so freely.

He is giving you little glimpses of what things can be like in your marriage, but sometimes again, someone has to jump off that fence and trust Him.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Hi Bluemare

Before I start, look at other discussions here on growthtrac forum on this subject that we have discussed before.

While you haven't had sex since last August, you can bet your husband has. Magazines, Internet, DVD, VHS tapes, etc. may have become his "sex of choice". Sex is such a powerful event, that your husband hasn't just given up on it, he may have expanded on it.

Porn, is a drug which does wonders at first, but in the end it destorys intimacy slowly over time between a husband and a wife, until there is no relationship left, and you're left with only a warm body.

Until you can get your husband to "talk" your stuck.

Wynne · Full Member Joined: 03 Dec 2002 Posts: 109 Location: USA

I know a certain young woman who forgot her very first anniversary! And a young mother who has allowed schedules, entertainment and housework to so monopolize her attention, that she has begun snapping at her young son.

This being wrapped up in ourselves is not only a male thing.

You have our prayers, dear. Do not lose heart.

BLUEMARE · Newbie Joined: 03 Mar 2003 Posts: 16

Thank you all for your support and your obvious prayers. Without saying a word to him, my husband came to me with humble apologies and well...., let's just say we made up for lost time. I know that this was the power of God due to the prayers of His faithful. We realize that it's not totally fixed but at least there's a start and we'll work together on building again.

If I can ever be of help to anyone else out there, please feel free to contact me.

Janine · Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2003 9:28 am Post subject:

Keep in touch, pray for us, we'll keep praying for you.

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