Separation

heelsfan · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:05 am Post subject: Separation

Hello,
I'm new to this and am glad to see that their is a place such as this one, considering all the other stuff that can be found on the net. I am in my 2nd marriage and it is coming to an end. My wife decided to transfer to another city in her job. She did so for the purpose of separating. This is not what I want but know I can't stop it. We have had various ongoing problems for quite sometime. Everything from money, kids, and ex-wife. She has fairly recently been diagnosed a bi-polar. She has a past that haunts her. Wish I could go into some detail but we have been married for 12 yrs. this month (together 13 yrs). If I went into detail this would go on for ever. I am so confused, hurt and angry. I love her and have to let her go. She has left briefly in the past. She kept coming back and saying she wanted to make it work and I kept wanting it to. This time I know it is over. I really would appreciate everyones prayers for her, me and family. I pray God will show me the way!!! Thank- you.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Welcome to GT - glad you are here.

It's really hard to see a 1st marriage end, but a 2nd one must be even harder. It's good that you recognize some contributing factors to the difficulties in your relationship.

I say there is always hope for reconciliation unless one of you remarries.
Is she dead set on leaving? Is there any way for all of you to be together, even with her new job?

I will keep you and your marriage and family lifted up in prayer.

resecured · Full Member Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 174

Welcome "heelsfan".

You will find Growthtrac a very uplifting and caring place. I pray that God heals your family. Remember HE does work miracles.

-RJ-

heelsfan · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:41 am Post subject: Separation

It is very difficult. As far as reconciliation, I can only put that in God's hands and know that he knows best. The only problem is how do we know when something is of God or some other force. I would say that she is dead set on leaving. She requested the transfer. I think she feels this is what she wants right now but may have regrets later on. I don't know. Anyones opinion or advice certainly is welcome. Thank-you so much for the prayer. I don't necessarily want prayer that my marriage will work out (would be nice) but that if this is God's will, I and everyone else involved will be able to accept it and forgive. That He will help us to heal. I do have to say I hope He sees fit to save the marriage and I know that all things are possible through Him but if He doesn't, I pray He will guide me. I know I have to be able to let Him do so. Like I mentioned before though, sometimes it is so hard to know if it is God talking or some other force.

heelsfan · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:48 am Post subject:

Thank you Resecured. I truly do know that they do and if this was to work out and things change, it really would be nothing short of just that. There are all kinds of miracles. I hope and pray that she will open her heart to God and let Him help her. Right now she believes that this is God helping her. Maybe it is. Who can say? Thank you again for the welcome and prayer.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

They way to discern if God is talking and involved is:

1) What you are hearing is line for line congruent with scripture. If it sounds a bit off, feels a bit off, then it's off. It's not God.

2) What you feel or hear from the Holy Spirit is uplifting, confirming, loving and gentle nudges.

If it is condemning, filled with guilt and judgment, then it is not God speaking.

It is not God's will to end a marriage - simply not. It very clearly states in scripture that He hates divorce.

People make the choice to end a marriage.

What if you went to your wife, told her how much you love her and how saddened you are that she feels she needs to move away. Ask her to stay here and work together on getting the help you need as a couple. Tell her you are committed to her and your marriage and want to make it the best it can be.

heelsfan · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 1:40 pm Post subject:

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. They are a big help. I believe this sight was of God. I felt led to look up "forums for separation" and was led to this sight. I can go to her once more and talk to her but I really think she is so committed to leaving. She says that I'm a good man but she doesn't love me like she did. I don't want to alienate her and cause resentment. It is very difficult knowing what to do. Part of me wants to go to her and part of me says just let it be and let this take it's course. which is right and which is wrong. I have shed a whole lot of tears over this. I'm in no means a perfect husband but I do love her and would do anything for her. She knows that but there seems to be some big obstacle between her and I. Part of it is a rift between my 15 y/o daughter and she. I also recognize that this could be a way of God trying to get my attention. I am not currently in church and very much would like to get back into one. I let my own whatever get in the way of that. I sure can use ALL the prayer I can get.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 367 Location: NJ

Welcome. I will pray for you, your spouse and your marriage.

I am also on my second marriage, and I can empathize with how difficult it can be. In addition, my first wife had bipolar disorder, and I know how challenging it can be to live with someone who has that.

Having said that, I encourage you not to give up on your marriage. Keep working on centering your life around God; keep praying; keep sharing the truth with your wife in a loving way.

heelsfan · Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject:

I can't thank each of you enough? Your words of encouragement mean a lot. You have been very helpful. I did give in and go to my wife one more time. I talked to her and told her exactly how I felt. It made a difference for the time being. From all indications, she has decided to stay. At least for the time being. I cannot tell you how grateful I am I found this site. There is a problem that has come from her deciding to stay. My 15 y/o daughter didn't ride the school bus home today. She has a history too. Her biological mom brought our 3 children to my wife and I when they were basically babies. I think my 15 y/o was around 2 when that took place. They have lived with us from that day on and my current wife has raised all of them as well as her 2 that were practically the same age. My ex had very little contact with the kids and even signed papers giving consent to adopt and moved to Maine. The adoption never took place because we couldn't afford it. My ex decided to move back here. She stirred up and created a lot of trouble. My ex has had SEVERAL suicide attempts and one of those took place when the kids were present. She told my daughter how to cut and ways to kill yourself. My daughter has since started cutting and taken pills on a couple of occasions. My current wife and she were close at one time but something happened to push them apart. For 2 people that do not share the same blood, they are almost identical. She will be 16 in July and think she has all the answers. Please pray that God touches her and she starts to us the brain that HE gave her. She doesn't realize that the spontaneous decisions that she makes could have serious consequences. We are currently still trying to find out where she is. Please pray.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Having gone through the divorce of my parents at 15, and having just finished walking through the teens year with my two girls - the most important thing I can stress is -

Get the help for your child and the help for your family and marriage that you need.

Having a good counselor for my child and for my husband and I were life saving during her teen years. It gave her someone to talk to and it gave someone for us to talk to. It saved our marriage, our family and it saved our child from suicide. Our daughter would not take her anti-depressant medication but she knew we were listening and we were concerned enough to get her the help she needed.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Last thing -

It's important that the two of you sit down together and talk about your 15 year old daughter. You need to find a place of mutual agreement as to her care, consequences and discipline - you've got to be a united front. If not, your daughter will see through it, and your wife will not feel you are loyal to her above your daughter.

Loyalty is a HUGE issue in blended families. God 1st, wife 2nd - kids after that.

heelsfan · Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject:

Get the help for your child and the help for your family and marriage that you need.

I have had my son and daughter in counseling for quite sometime. My daughter just came out of a behavioral health center. If not for them, I'm sure things would be worse than what they are and they are bad.

Having a good counselor for my child and for my husband and I were life saving during her teen years.

I suggested family counseling to both of them last night. They both agreed to it. My daughter said she was all for it. My wife just recently started going to individual counseling. I finally talked her into that one. She was molested as a child by her father and from divorced parents and never had a good relationship with either parent. She has never (she will be 40 in Nov) dealt with it by talking to anyone. I felt the family counseling was just as important as the individualized counseling they receive.

You need to find a place of mutual agreement as to her care, consequences and discipline - you've got to be a united front. If not, your daughter will see through it, and your wife will not feel you are loyal to her above your daughter.

I can't tell you how much of a problem this has created between my wife and I. As far as discipline and consequnces go, I have a really hard time getting my wife to compromise. She has one view and I have a little different one. They both put me in the middle of things that there is no way that I can win. Somebody is going to wind up mad, upset or disappointed no matter what I say or do. This is one area that I am really trying to put in Gods hands.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Wonderful - it's great that you have taken steps with the help you all need.

But, it's important for you and your wife to seek counsel - together as a couple -so you can find a place of compromise with your kids and build the loving relationship you both desire. A refuge for both of you.

Also, my husband and I had to frequently dissengaged from the chaos at home. Weekly date nights were a must - and we could not talk about the kids on our date nights. Going out and remembering to have fun together was equally important, from having dinner with friends to ice skating, to concerts, picnics, bike riding, to art festivals. And, at least once a quarter we would do a long weekend away. It kept us connected when life was nuts at home.

Remember, the things you did when you were dating and the fun you had together. Keep the fun alive in your marriage because the kids really have a tendency, while in their teens, to drain the fun right out of your marriage.

heelsfan · Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 10:04 am Post subject:

Sam you don't know how right you are about the chaos at home. It comes at us from every angle. It has taken such a toll on the our relationship that it is unreal. It seems that so much has been happening for so long. We quit having fun a long time ago. We never seem to get
any us time for one reason or another. I agree, that HAS got to change.

You are right about the power struggle but I dont think it's one between my wife and I. I think that it is one between my daughter and wife. My daughter basically thinks she should have things her way and when she wants it. If it doesn't happen, then it's "so gay" or "that's so stupid". Then she shows out. My wife also thinks that things should pretty much be her way. When she says something thats the way it is. No compromise.

A little while back, we had some serious behavioral issues with my son who is 14 now. I can't stress serious enough. He stayed in trouble at school and at home. Everywhere he went in fact. He has been diagnosed ADHD. Thankfully he has greatly improved. He still gets into jams every now and then but NOTHING like what it was. Almost a night and day difference. He and my daughter seldom get along. Some of it is the fact that the does things just to irritate her. That's understandable. I had 3 sisters and understand sibling rivalry. Most of it is on her and I don't understand it. Everything he does she finds fault in. My wife at one point had a really hard time dealing with my son but in the past few months have gotten pretty close. I give her some of the credit for his turn around. On the other side of the picture, my wife and daughter used to quite close. That is so far from the case now that it's unreal. As I mentioned before, they are SO much alike. That creates such a rift in the home. Think I should mention one thing here. A little while back things were so bad at home, that my wife started talking to another man. As far as I know it never went any further than just talking. I can neither prove or disprove that. My daughter found out about it and told me. That started the downfall. I don't know how to start putting the pieces back together. I have been trying but my wife just can't seem to let go of it.

The reason I mention all the above is I have a dilemma. I sure hope you can help. We found my daughter last night. She is so wrong in what she did and is going to have consequences as a result. So far it hasn't been discussed. She went to my step daughters to stay the night. It wasn't until about 2 am that we found her. She has threatened to run away and call her real mom even though she knows that it's not the place she needs to be. There is so much anger and it's not at any one in particular. My step daughter said she could come stay with them for a little while. I'm thinking of letting that happen for a couple of weeks so we try to get a little bit of peace around her so we can work on things. I mean keeping the turmoil down and seeking family counseling at the same time. My wife disagrees and think she should stay here. She said if my daughter has to leave then she's leaving. I talked to her and she did reluctantly agree to a week. She said a week only. My question is, am I wrong on this? Is it a mistake to allow my daughter to go stay with my step daughter? I just think of what the alternatives are and it scares me to death. Not asking you to tell me what to do, just your opinion. You have been pretty much right on so far.

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