Separation

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

I have posted before about how my husband was leaving me and was dead set on divorce and I felt pretty much like I had no choice...you can see the post "how to deal with divorce" in this same forum for the story.
Well, over the last few weeks alot has happened. He has still been very emotional, up and down, nice then mean, happy then sad..he moved out last week to an apartment. He finally started telling me all the mean things he had told me were not true, he was hurt and was trying to make me feel bad and push me away. He also says that the woman he has been in love with he realizes was just some pipe dream. I feel Satan has just attacked him and his mind is so full of lies. I think he is finally getting some truth and clearing out his head. He was dead set on divorce, but told me last week he doesn't want that. He says his hope in all this is that he can be the man of God that I deserve and want to be with. He wants us to try to work this out. I am willing but I am very skeptical that he is not going to be willing to do the things that need to be done to restore the relationship. He is very impulsive and gets frustrated when things dont go as quickly or the way he wants. My question.. he has moved out, so we are separated... what should I expect of him during this time? I feel that he needs to pursue me and show me he is serious by doing what I need to trust him again.
I am going to talk to a Christian counselor so hopefully that will help me. I feel like he has abandoned me by moving out, but maybe that is the best thing right now, i dont know. I am not really fond of him "living the single life" but again maybe its for the best.
I have specific things that I think he needs to do and show me to show that he is really willing to work through this and restore the relationship.
He is a liar and manipulator so obviously I am very nervous about just taking his word, I think this time through he needs to work for me, pursue me, so I can see he is serious and that he can't have me as "easy" as before.
Any help, advice and prayers are appreciated. Even getting to this point was more than I ever expected even a week ago.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Seeing a Christian counselor is a great idea. But, there is some information I've seen here on GT before about guidelines for separation.
Ok, I found them - they are here:
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/separation-guidelines-t854.html

If you have a third party (counselor or pastor) help you set individual goals for spiritual growth, as well as establishing goals as a couple for growth, it will help you immensely. You both need accountability. You'll be able to discern the condition of your husband's heart by his willingness to engage in the process with this "third party". Trying to fix all of the issues on your own will simply not work.

I know you "need" him to do a lot of things in your estimation to make this work. But I have to ask, "is this level of perfection going to set him up for failure or success? Will he ever be able to meet all your needs and expectations, or do you need to personally work on this with God?"

It's something to pray about.

I only know that when my husband and I went through some very difficult times, it had a lot more to do with my lack of relationship with God than it did my husband's. Once I worked on me, my outlook and needs changed drastically - I found I was looking to God more and more to meet my emotional and spiritual needs than my husband. I can always find fault with what my husband says or does and concentrate on that more than the gifts and qualities that God has given him. What I discovered is, I wasn't willing to look at myself.

I'm sure your husband has lied and done many things to hurt you deeply. Ask yourself if by setting up these "standards" he has to meet to win back your heart - is it more about protecting your heart from being hurt again or forgiveness?

SAM recently recommended a new book by Wayne Cordeiro called The Divine Mentor - it is fabulous! And, what he recommends in the book, may very well be what saves your marriage. It has been an eye opener for me and a learning lesson in how to slow myself down and listen to the Holy Spirit's promptings.

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

thank you for the reply.

Basically, my husband told me he had completely manipulated our relationship from the beginning, he didn't love me, he used me, he has had an affair, and lied about EVERYTHING. So, no my "needs" I dont believe are unrealistic, they are things that show me he is real this time.
I already look at myself and can see where I need improvement, but this is mostly on him. He is a manipulator and pathological liar. Our problems are from him, he was like this before me. Unfortunately I didn't see it before we got married, otherwise I obviously wouldnt have married someone that lies about everything.

One of the main things I want from him is that he have men in his life that he is accountable to. I want counseling for us both and when I mentioned that he was very hesitant and did not agree right away, that is going to be a must have for me and I feel that is reasonable. If he can't do that, then why should I believe he has changed?

Its very hard for me knowing that he is living in his own place and I have no way of knowing what he is really doing. How do people deal with that aspect of separation?

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

CJsMom · Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2006 Posts: 8

That is definately what I want to do. Thats really a struggle for me. I confess that I feel like I trust in God and tell him I do, but I try to keep my hand in the situation too. I have a hard time letting go and am working on that.

Another whole aspect of this (and I know God can take care of it) is that of course my family is so very upset with what my hubby has done to me and my daughter that I dont really think any of them are going to be ok with me making an attempt at saving the marriage. Its pretty overwhelming to me that I will have to defend myself for exhausting all options before i walk away from this, if thats what it comes down to. I dont know whats going to happen, but whether we work out or not, I can't just not try and I hope they understand that.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

When all is said and done - in your heart God will bring you peace if you are following His will for this relationship. If you feel you have done everything you can to restore this relationship and be the wife God asks you to be, and your husband still has an unrepentant heart filled with sin (lies and infidelity) - then at some point in time you will sense peace and a release from the Lord. Until that peace comes from HIM - wait. Wait on the Lord to see the work He will do in your husband and if your husband is a willing participant.

We need not solve our problems before we go to God - we go to Him and His word for our solutions. If we offer ourselves to God, He will help us and give us strength to get through any situation. This is the theme of the book of Psalms. And along with Proverbs - we can gain wisdom and insite from God for any situation in our lives. He gives us the people in the bible to learn from.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 309 Location: In Prayer

Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

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