re:separation will make us stronger?

selmar30 · Newbie Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 1

My husband and I have been married for 29 months. He has been talking about separating for 6 months now. He feels that I have anger issues and need counseling to find myself again. We immediately got pregnant and married without a chance to really get to know each other and everything has been snow balling ever since. First and foremost, I love him with all my heart but have been really scared to tell him all the things that he needs to hear from a loving wife. Fear of abandonment and fear of being left alone. And in place of telling him the positive things to help build our marriage, I have been a verbal abuser and making HIM out to be the abuser when he hasn't been. I also have heavy baggage from the past that have been brought into the marriage, making it so unfair to him. I have ignored his feelings and created this image of him in my mind of someone that he isn't all because of FEAR of being left alone. He has decided to separate and said that he wants to work on our marriage without living together. I have decided to seek counseling and try to reconnect with who I am because I don't know who I am anymore. I feel confused, angry at myself and depressed. We have days set when we will see each other, and as much as it kills me to see our 2 year old in the middle, we have decided to alternate weeks. Am I on the right track? Please help me.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

It will be much more difficult for you to work on your marriage if you are in different places. You need to find a way to make it work under the same roof.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Separation is usually a precursor to divorce unless it is very structured and a third party (counselor/pastor) is working through this with you and holding you both accountable. However, your husband may have already received wise counsel from someone in working through this decision that you need to consider.

If he has spoken to you numerous times about these sinful patterns and you have been unwilling to listen to him. If he's asked you to get help in the past and you've been unwilling. If he's asked other people to speak to you, they have, and you've still been unwilling to listen and get help and he's brought this before the pastor or elders of your church too. If by chance these things have occured, you've left him no choice but to get your attention and separation may be the only way. He's done everything he can to get you to see sinful patterns in your life.

Here's some guidelines for separation that are helpful -

http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/separation-guidelines-t854.html

You've mentioned anger issues.
You've mentioned needing counseling.
You mentioned being a verbal abuser.
You've mentioned fear of abdonment.
You've mentioned heavy baggage from the past.

These are all very destructive to you, your marriage and your child.
Make a decision, with God's help, to break this cycle of brokenness. Get help and walk toward healing. Your marriage depends on it and so does your child. You don't want to pass this brokenness on to your child or to future generations.

It's time for it to end...

JoBets · Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:19 pm Post subject: Reply to separation

Separation is usually a precursor to divorce unless it is very structured and a third party (counselor/pastor) is working through this with you and holding you both accountable. However, your husband may have already received wise counsel from someone in working through this decision that you need to consider.

I agree with Sam. I do not believe in separation. Even though my husband and I did separate. We wound up getting divorced. We did get back together 4 years later. This was a horrible time for me. I wound up doing sometime real stupid and he wound of leaving the state. But I always knew in my heart we would be together. I would call out to him in prayer. I knew he could hear me.

We are together now and we have always been each other's best friend.

I encourage you to go to counseling before he walks out of your life forever. You may not get that second chance. I always tell people it is not worth ending your marriage. I don't believe in it unless it is very necessary. I am married again. My 1st husband, father of my children has mental issues that forced me out of my home as it became a danger to live there. So I have been through a lot. I am talking from experience.

I could go on forever. So I'll just stop here.

I pray you will seek the counseling you need to repair your marriage. Marriage is a wonderful experience. Life is very hard. Being without your best friend is just awful. You go through life like a robot without your mate.

God bless you and I pray for your recovery and pray you can work out your issues.

Thanks
Josie

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

My wife and I just separated so take my comments for what their worth............I'm not a counselor and these are only my opinions.

In my case, my wife just wanted out and seemed(seems) to be almost in despair/frustration, maybe even suffering from depression. Much of it is financial related and her resentment for lack of leadership in that area from me.

My point is this, while separation is probably not wise in many cases as a step toward reconciliation, I believe many times it may be necessary to allow your spouse time to heal from past pain. If you separate without communication I don't think it's good, but it seems in your case your husband wants to separate for counseling which means he wants to work on it............this is a huge positive.

My wife and I have been talking probably every other day or so, or at least emailing. Each of our focus is on our personal relationship with God which must come first. She says she wants healing for both of us but at the same time kind of warns that we may not end up together. She is at the stage where she is still very hurt and not yet ready to counsel with anyone or listen to any of our friends because of course they tell her to work it out and that's not what she wants to hear.

From my prospective, it does sound like you recognize some of your issues and want help which is great. Hopefully when your husband sees you're committed to this he will join you. Even if you seek healing on your own, I believe counseling together will be very beneficial. Even with the faults you have mentioned, marriage involves two people so there may be some things about your husband that he needs to work on as well.............maybe things that make you feel fearful of being alone, who knows?

This is tough, but try first to submit yourself to God and his will daily and turn yourself wholly to him. Ask him to reveal those things in your life that shouldn't be a part of your marriage. He is faithful and will show you what you need to do. Also, I encourage you to seek support from Christian friends..............sometimes it's just good to share and talk things out.

Best of luck,

hopefulness · Newbie Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 4

Is separation a good time apart for a husband and wife, so that both can separately figure things out?

JoBets · Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 6:07 am Post subject:

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

JoBets:

Great information on what true companionship is. God used it to show me many of the areas in which I have not been a true companion to my wife over the years.

I understand your feeling on separation but be careful, sometimes if one spouse wants it but the other doesn't (in my case) there is little choice other than committing to love your spouse through it no matter what.

I agree that the BEST option, if both parties are willing (and they have to be) is to work through the situation together with Godly counsel.

In my case, God has given me peace about my wife and my's separation and has shown me that he comes first, and that even if we don't reconcile that he will sustain me and I will once again have joy in and through him. I have notice that my unconditional love for my wife at present has at least shown her that no matter what I am going to love her and not react to her decisions and words out of hurt, anger or resentment, which would just drive us farther apart.

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