Recently separated

justme · Newbie Joined: 16 Mar 2008 Posts: 2

My husband and I have just separated after several years of marriage. I'm a Christian but he isn't. We've had major issues with his family since we met. At the time I was backslidden and due to my own issues, which I have now addressed, I just wanted someone to love me and he did. There were a lot of reasons I'd stopped going to church back then - one of them was because I didn't feel good enough and thought that no Christian man would ever want to marry me. Just before we were married my husband was saved and baptised, but has never been into going to church and hasn't ever lived a Christian life.

His family has their own issues and none of them are Christian. They are all very overbearing and interfering. I put up with a lot because I didn't want to upset anyone and cause trouble. But once our children came along I just couldn't be silent anymore. My MIL is very manipulative and controlling and is very careful what she says to me in front of my husband - when he's not around it's a totally different story. A while ago I'd absolutely had enough and told her I wouldn't put up with it anymore and the kids and I haven't seen my inlaws since. I understand the difficult position this puts my husband in, but he just doesn't see or agree that he needs to stand up for me. He's even said to me before that they were his family long before I was on the scene. I never raise the issue of his family because I just don't want to fight about it anymore. We've been to counselling about it before (not Christian as he was uncomfortable with that) and even the counselor told him that when it comes down to it, he needs to stand up for his wife and put her before his family. We've separated briefly a few times in the past over this. But this time it seems more permanent. His family background is very violent, but he has never been violent with me. But he did say the other day that he was scared that he would hit me which is the reason he's left. I honestly don't believe he ever would physically hurt me, but he does have a really bad temper. So I have told him that I don't want him to come home until he sees about sorting out his anger issues with counselling. The easiest thing in the world for me to do right now is to just finish it completely - I've been hurt so many times with these inlaw issues that I find it really hard to love him. But I know that God doesn't want our family to fall apart and I don't want to leave our kids with a legacy of divorce like my parents did. So right now I'm just praying like I never have before for God to intercede and turn things around like only He can. I've told my husband that even though things don't look good right now, that I haven't given up and that I'm aware it's going to take a lot of work on both sides if we are going to sort this out.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice, it just feels good to release a lot of that. But if anyone has any words of wisdom, I'm certainly open to it Smile

Thanks for listening!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

Welcome - we're glad to see you have posted at GT community.

Separation is usually a precursor to divorce unless there is a third party involved that helps you negotiate and set goals. If a couple separates without third party involvement, it usually becomes a battle of the wills with who's going to win first, give in first, or walk away first.

Sometimes therapists refer to Structured Separation. The idea is you both define “rules” for your time apart.

The risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. (Failure to leave and cleave would be considered a flaw.) It is recommended that a plan be developed that moves you toward eventual reconciliation.

Sometimes when we have lived with certain family dynamics for so long, and they have become part of who we are, we don't always recognize their overinvolvement in our lives. It's just the way things are. All of a sudden there's a new spouse in the picture and what has been normal, no longer is. What do you mean, you don't like my mom? What do you mean, she doesn't talk to you with respect? What do you mean, she butts her nose in where it doesn't belong? That's just how she is.

If separation is to be effective as a tool to restore the marriage, rules need to be established.

For starters, a structured, written covenant answering the questions below, is suggested:
• What’s the goal for your separation?”
• How long will the separation last?
• Counseling: Together? Individually? How long? Goals?
• What issues/problems do you plan on addressing during the separation?
• Which issues will wait until you are both under the same roof again?
• How often will you see one another?
• What about phone calls? Emails?
• What is the plan for the one who moved out to see the children?
• What are you telling people/extended family about the separation?
• Are you planning on having sex while you’re separated?
• How will you know it’s time to move back in?

Then, before a separation ends, you should negotiate an agreement for when you move back together that describes acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

Can you clarify the following?

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

It's going to be hard for your husband to hear this, but he has got to get to the point that he realizes that the family of birth is no longer his primary concern. He is not abandoning them, but he is freeing them for other concerns. He grew up in a home where very strong emotions held sway. You are gentler. It is easier for him to tell you no, but not correct.

Repeated separation is really detrimental to what you really want. You want a husband that is completely committed to you, but the two of you take vacations from that commitment, regularly. That has to stop. Stand together and figure it out. Don't give him rules that you aren't willing to enforce or carry out. If you don't....then I will do this... At sometime you will be required to follow through.

Shortly after the world was created, God set out rules for guys to leave their families. Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. He leaves the mother AND the father and becomes one with the wife. It establishes a NEW home. You can honor parents even though you don't agree with them.

You need to look at several verses that Jesus and Paul laid out, since you are the one with more Christian background. Jesus said, Matthew 5:43-44 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." That means you are to have love for these people that you find so hard to understand and who seem to take delight in ridiculing you. Paul wrote to the Corinthians, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

This is your mission field. My pastor delivered a sermon recently in which he said we are all here on earth in a disguise. We are Christians first, disguised as teachers, plumbers, cancer patients, politicians, but our primary concern should be that the love of Christ shines through our disguise. Wherever your day takes you, you take Christ to others.

You bear the greater responsibility as the more mature Christian, to live in a way that Jesus would want you to live. Sometimes it hurts, but not as much as it did for him to show his love to you.

John 15:11-12
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

justme · Newbie Joined: 16 Mar 2008 Posts: 2

Thanks so much for replying SAM and greenwidow.

**Can you clarify the following
I'm a Christian but he isn't
Just before we were married my husband was saved and baptised, but has never been into going to church and hasn't ever lived a Christian life.**

I'm am a fully committed Christian - actively involved in church. But I have only recently started going back (about 6 months ago) and rededicated my life to Jesus. The children also attend with me (Sunday service and smaller groups through the week) and my husband has no problem with that - but they are only young and don't have the whole concept of eternal life in either heaven or hell so they don't yet ask him a lot of questions about it.

My husband did come to church with me a few years ago for a short period of time but he says it's not for him. I never pressured him to be saved or baptised - that was wholly his decision so I do still hold hope that he will once again open his heart to Jesus.

He's been told all about leaving and cleaving before - not just by me, and I'm that last person he'll listen to on that topic anyway Rolling Eyes

When we've been to secular marriage counseling in the past we were told the same thing - not in the actual words of "leave and cleave" but we were both told that when you marry you start a new family and your spouse comes first. As gently as I could, a couple of days ago, I reminded him of what that counselor had told us and he appparently doesn't remember that at all. He thinks it is wrong anyway. He really does have a good heart. But his family are very manipulative and controlling not to mention incredibly insecure. They play favorites and everyone knows it - my husband is not one of the favorites and he (even though he won't admit it) is seeking their approval. I just pray that he sees them for what they are - occasionally he does but his need for acceptance takes over.

I have actually been reading The Power of a Praying Wife and I'm sure that's why this has all blown up again out of nowhere. The more I pray - the more the enemy wants to attack and undermine our family. I know God is stronger than that though. But I also know that my husband has free will to do whatever he chooses. I'm not going to give up praying or fighting for my family though. I am going to seek counseling through my church. I'll also look into the other books you recommended. I have also read Boundaries in Marriage which I've just started reading again too.

I realise that I don't have a get out of jail card. I am committed to working this out. At times my husband is too, but he is very torn between our family and his birth family. I don't know what I can do or say anymore and I do feel like it is totally out of my hands sometimes. I do know that I can keep praying and will for as long as it takes.

You've given me a lot to think about in regard to rules and goals of separation. Right now, even though I don't think he would hit me, he is scared that he would have and it took a lot for him not to last week. So I do think he needs to seek counseling to deal with his anger before he returns home. The other issues we can hopefully work through together at home. I just don't feel safe talking about it with him now as I don't want to make him angry again and we end up just talking in circles anyway. His response at the moment is just that I am totally wrong about it being his role to protect me and our family. He says it's my job to fight my own battles - which I have been forced to do and right after he goes and tells his family that they have done nothing wrong Rolling Eyes

He is free to see the children as much as he likes - I would never put them in the middle of this more than they already are. Hopefully I will get some more guidance and direction when I go to counseling by myself - but at this point there is no way my husband will agree to Christian counselling. Obviously there is a lot more to the whole situation - I have just highlighted the main issues. I know I am just as responsible for things going wrong as my husband is - the frustrating thing is I am trying my best now to work it out but he is not at a place where he is willing or can even see the gravity of the situation. He thinks I'm making mountains out of molehills and I need to "just get over it". I know God has His own perfect timing too and there are clearly more things He wants to teach me so I need to just stick with it for as long as it takes.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

When my husband had no interest in church and did not care for the place we were attending, I suggested that we start looking for a new church home where he would feel accepted and comfortable.

Once we did that, there was a night and day difference in how he related to God.

I would agree that if he is blowing up consistently with his words, rage, anger, throwing things or has threatened physical harm - then he should not be in your home again until counseling has taken place.

As for his family issues - that needs to be brought up again in counseling since he does not remember it being said before.

Then, if he still doesn't see or hear it from the counselor, it needs to be addressed in an individual session.

What if - your husband were to heal his anger and come home? What if - the issues with his family will take a very long time to be resolved? God's timing - not yours. Can you take him back under those circumstances?

My husband and I had a situation several years ago with his dad at Christmas. Dad flew into a rage at one of our daughters over letting the hot water run too long while doing dishes. What dad was upset about was that he had to take a cold shower that morning due to a house full of people.

My husband approached his father and said, "Dad, that is enough. You are not allowed to talk to my daughter that way." With that, dad threatened to beat the daylights out of my husband. That was Christmas Eve. We all sat down and ate and opened gifts. My husband and I lay crying in bed all night and hardly slept. We got up early Christmas morning and left.

And, 10 years later... we have never spent another Thanksgiving or Christmas with his parents. We have visited before, or we have visited after, but never on the day we give thanks to God or the day we celebrate Christ's birth.

It took awhile for my husband to understand how painful this was for me. I grew up in a pretty volatile home. I said to my husband, "As an adult, I can no longer subject myself to this and stay emotionally healthy. I cannot subject our daughters to this either."

It took him awhile to process it and I said no more. I believe God worked on his heart over time and he came to the realization that he needed to protect me and our girls. If I had attacked his family, I don't think he would have every reached this decision because he would have been protecting them instead.

I eventually called his dad - about three months later - and told him I had processed through forgiveness and I could forgive him. However, my husband did tell them that we could no longer spend Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Eve or Day with them.

Mom, called several months later trying to tell me dad didn't mean it and could we change our minds. I had to tell her no, that I still loved her and we would chose other times to visit.

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