Premarital sex and marriage

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

Does premarital sex as a teenager affect marriage relationships much? I am asking because my relationship with my wife is getting worse. I had posted before about her past. I just feel her indiference to sex when she was a teenager affects our relationship now. I feel as we have nothing sacred in our relationship, because she gave all that away before I met her. She had already experienced pretty much everything with other guys before we even met. I am just lost as to what to do. Any advice or links to books or articles would be great.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2132 Location: Chicago

Whenever my husband and I have been "stuck" we know it is time to seek outside help. Counseling is a must in your situation. If it is something you cannot afford, start doing some homework with your pastor. Many times churches give referrals to local counselors who provide services at a reduced rate. Many non-profit organizations offer services for free. Many counselors going through their final schooling need to do cases toward their degree and offer services for next to nothing. They can be found. Obviously, you're still having a dificult time dealing with her past.

Jesus met a Samaritan woman at the well who was married 5 times and currently living with a man and what about Mary Magdalene?
Both were forgiven. You can chose to be Christ to your wife or you cannot.

Of course, any type of sexual past before marriage, can affect a marriage going forward. I believe you may be fixating on this issue and how you are processing it, is more of an issue for you. All couples have varying degrees of physical intimacy needs - they key is talking about it and compromising.

How about you speaking with her an creating a "special" day for intimacy at least once a week as a start. Call each other, e-mail or send little notes that you are looking forward to this time together. Be diligent about getting a babysitter, if you need one, and plan date nights - even going out for a cup of coffee or some ice cream. Dates don't have to be expensive. The book "Red Hot Monogamy" has over 100 suggestion for inexpensive dates with your spouse.

Some recommended reading -

Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian
Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn
Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Etheridge
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat
Red Hot Monogomy by Bill and Pam Farrell
Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs

Some good articles on Growthtrac -

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_569.php
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_656.php
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_248.php

Above all else your wife needs to feel cherished by you, not condemned.
The Evil One is doing a great job of playing minds games that will separate you from each other.

Who are we to refuse forgiveness to someone who comes to us with a need to start over? Are we more holy and righteous than God?

cjbaldw · Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 11:48 am Post subject: Re: Premarital sex and marriage

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

Thanks so much for the articles. They are very informative. As to answer some questions. I feel the loss of sharing intimacy in our relationship and marriage affects the connection between us. In other words, I don't see the same attachment for me from my wife that I have for her. I have only shared my intimacy with my wife and all my sexual experiences are with her. I have a special attachment with her. She does not have that with me. I can see it in the little things. I do a lot of special little things for her, such as get her a special lunch when she works and I don't, buy her a special prize on my way home from work, give her little massages for her legs after work, or keep the kids so she can go out with her friends. She never does things like that for me and when I approach her as to my needs sexually, she just gets frustrated. Sex is the only thing I ever ask of in our relationship. I do my on laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I just think the problem is that the sexual relationship means very little to her, because sex never meant anything to her before. She was so casual with sex. It seems as having sex for her when she was single and a teenager meant nothing. She would just do it with anyone she dated. That type of attitude toward sex has to affect a marriage - I think. I am using these articles and my counseling to work on my attitude and what direction to go. Any further help will be appreciated and thanks for the help and prayers.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 385 Location: NJ

It is always hard to tell what the real issues are in a forum like this, because we are only hearing part of a story. Speaking as a man with a healthy sex drive, I am wondering if this really is not about sex?

You do all these things for your wife, but you feel she does not reciprocate? Do you think the relationship is very one-sided? If so, is it possible that you are looking to your wife to supply all of your emotional needs? People will always let us down at some point; God will not.

On the other hand, is your wife somehow trying to tell you something? Are there trust issues in your relationship? Have you talked to her and asked her why, from your perspective, she seems to be pulling away?

Finally, and not trying to sound judgmental at all, is it your feeling that the distance you are currently feeling is completely caused by your wife's sexual past?

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