Pornography addiction

Melissa · Newbie Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 8

Please HELP!! My marriage is on the brink of divorce. I have been married for 19 years. We have 3 children. My husband is addicted to porn. In the first 5 years of our marriage I would find magazines. Then it was videos. After getting the computer I was totally against getting the internet but he got it anyway. So now it has to be that I am the only one in the family who knows the password. He says I am so controlling and I hate it that it has to be this way but it does or I know where he would go on the internet when we're gone. I am a Christian and the children and I go to church 3 times a week and I am a nervous wreck while I'm there knowing he is probably doing it while I'm gone because now he has a job where he is back in a room by himself with a computer which has the internet. So, now I find cds and jump drives with pictures and videos on them that he is getting from the computer at work and bringing home and hiding.
We have fought about this so many times. He just closes up and doesn't even want to discuss it when I find something else and confront him about it.
I homeschool my children and he makes it so hard. I am so nauseated all day long and nervous wondering what he is looking at today at work or what he is downloading.
He does go to church with us on Sunday mornings occasionally but I do believe it is only to impress me and make me think he is trying to do right.
I just don't know anymore what to do. I feel as if this controls my every waking moment. I am constantly searching for porn when he is gone. I wish he could understand how deeply it hurts. It is a pain that is so undescribable. It causes me to not even want him touching me or looking at me. I never undress in front of him (haven't for the past 7 or 8 years). We are very seldom intimate anymore.
We did see a counselor several years ago but he says he will never go back again even though he agreed that they did help.
I pray and pray for I know that God is the only one who can help him change. I try to forgive but it is so hard when he promises never to do it again but just continues to hurt me over and over.
The 2 teenagers know what is going on. It is almost impossible for them not to. They figured out why their mom is the only one with the password. It hurts so much to know that they know what their father does. My son is 18 today and I am so afraid that he will follow in his father's footsteps though he sees how much it is destroying me and this family. Please tell me what I can do or should do to help my husband overcome this. I just don't know where to turn anymore. Thank-you[/code][/quote]

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Welcome, we're glad you found GT and took the chance to post here.

With any addiction, the person who is addicted is the one who has to acknowledge they need help. You cannot do anything to stop him or help him - he has to be ready to get the help he needs on his own.
You are his wife, not his gatekeeper - which is what is happening.
I wholeheartedly agree that you need to protect your home and your children from anything he may bring home or try and enter on a computer in your home. It's sad that you have to do this.

You can pray for your husband and I'm sure you have for some time. Continue to do so.

Make an appointment with a counselor for yourself. A counselor will help you sort out your feelings and how you can present things to your husband so he comes to an understanding that this can no longer occur or be part of your marriage. He will need to get long term help as well as accountability from others.

God can be your strength and your guide but it's important to let Him do the worrying. Up to this point worrying hasn't helped you. It's time to lay all of this in hands and get the help you need from a Christian counselor to make some decisions about your future.

There are some great resources here at Growthtrac
http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

There is a wonderful book by Stephen Arterburn called Every Heart Restored which deals specifically with women and the sexual sin/pornography addictions of the men in their lives.

Here's some additional articles you can read on the GT site -
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/topics/27.php

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Melissa,

The Internet is not the cause of the problem and you might as well take the password off. There are a dozen ways around it and a grown man will find those ways.

I know exactly how you feel. Your husband needs to know that this is a form of adultery. He is emotionally bringing other people into your relationship. There are tons of posts in this forum about this specific issue.

It's all about guarding your heart. Proverbs 4:23 (King James Version)
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

You can't compare yourself to drug addicted 20 somethings that put it all out there are on the Internet. You are better than that. Your family is more real than that. Your husband is settling for very little in the real world in order to have a constant fantasy world. People desiring cocaine give up eating in order to have the money to pour a poison into their body, go figure.

Counseling is a must. He needs to be able to talk to a guy that he sees as manly that tells him straight up that he is wrong when it comes to porn.
This an entry addiction. Usually it is the starting point for all other kinds of trouble in your marriage. If there is nothing wrong with looking at other women and fantasizing about sexual acts eventually, many addicts can wrap their mind around the thought that there is nothing wrong in looking for someone to carry out these fantasies with.

Our pastor took my husband on and said, "it's a daily battle that you are going to have to fight, because you have a real woman who loves you and you are settling for something much less." There is a software called Covenent Eyes. It sends a daily report of the Internet activity of the that computer, to a third party that you choose. I would highly recommend that NOT be you. Each site is ranked by it's content and flags are sent up for sites known to have objectionable materials. Even things like gambling and chat sites will set it off. It is up to the accountability partner to call them on the carpet.

Work on your confidence. Build yourself up in whatever way you need it. Do not let a man that settles for second rate be the judge of your value. Be able to clearly articulate why you find porn unacceptable. Don't fight. Talk about the problem. He needs help and it is your duty as his loving partner to make sure that this sickness is removed.

If one of your children were constantly sticking their finger in the light socket, would you be constantly "nauseated all day long and nervous?" Wouldn't you step up to the plate and make sure the behavior got taken care of? Take action with loving kindness.

Cut up your credit cards and report them as stolen/missing. Request new cards and that the numbers be changed. Ask for email changes for his home account and his work account. There will be a flurry of subscriptions that won't get paid/renewed. Some of them bill by the year or half year. If he is on the way to recovery, they won't be able to just ding you for another year and they won't be able to invite him back. It's up to him to stay clean though.

If he is doing this kind of thing at work, he is risking his job. As a computer consultant, I can tell you that EVERYTHING that he sends through that computer is being monitored.

Melissa · Newbie Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 8

How--how do I watch him just walk out of here each morning knowing he'll be doing it again at work as soon as he gets there. I just don't know how much more I'm supposed to put up with. He acts as if nothing has happened even though I found a jump drive the other day with over a 1000 pictures and video clips on it. He did take it out on the porch and destroy it with a hammer after demanding that I give it to him. He then said "it's over--I'm done". And I can tell he just expects me to believe that even though the first 25 times he's said it to me were lies.
I told him about x3watch and he tried putting it on his computer at work but he said it doesn't work. He said an error box comes up saying the program is unable to work. His computer is on a network there at work. Does anyone know--would that stop it from working? He really seems serious about wanting to find a program such as x3watch that would help our situation but yet he does not want something you have to pay for. We really can't afford that. Does anyone know of something else we could try.
I would really just like to tell him to get out but I know with me not having a job we would never make it. I know that probably withholding sex from him will just cause him to do it more but yet I can't bring myself to want to get close to him after what he has done to hurt me AGAIN.
I want to help him but when he won't go to a counselor or doesn't even want to talk about it I don't know where to turn. He acts as if all this is my fault. He puts the blame on me--Says-- "if it weren't for you-we wouldn't have to find a program for the computer at work." He always twists things around to make me feel as if I'm the one with the problem.
I just don't know where to get help. I would go to a counselor even though he said I couldn't but we have no insurance to cover it.
Please tell me what to do. Thank-you for the advice you have already given.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 313 Location: NJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1950 Location: Chicago

Melissa · Newbie Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 8

Just a quick note to say thank-you so much to all of you who replied. What wonderful advice and how wonderful to know someone is helping me pray about this. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Melissa · Newbie Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 8

My husband has agreed to put a program on his computer at work called NetworkMagic. The computers at work though are on a network. Does that mean the program will pick up all the computers at work? Are you familiar with that program?
Now though he seems very angry with me--again trying to make it seem like we have to do all this because of me. He constantly seems to twist everything around and make me feel as if I am the problem here. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to but at the same time I HAVE to do something. I can't just sit back and watch him destroy us and this family by what he is doing. I don't understand why he can't see that he IS doing that.
He said that if I could find a counselor that does not cost anything (we do not have insurance) that he would consider going.
I just don't know if I can trust this program. I definitely know I will probably never be able to trust him again.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 313 Location: NJ

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 188 Location: PA

Melissa,
I too remember what you are saying.
On June 1st 2006 my husband came to me after I MADE him read Every Man's Battle (co-book for Every Heart Restored-wonderful book), I had to point out different chapters beofr he actually sat and read most of it and confessed that he is addicted to porn, strip clubs and an alcoholic, I had NO clue what so ever. He did most of it while I was in bed at night for years. He put on a good show- he was perfect husband, friend and Christian. He came to church every Sunday with me and the kids. We also have been married for 19 years. I made my husband sit down with each of my kids seperate and tell them what was going on-NOT details.They also are teenagers and needed to know why mom was crying everyday and so withdrawn.
IT is commiting adultery. I swear I was leaving his butt- biblicly I was allowed to. Same as you- I refused to get undressed infront of him, I wasn't good enough so why should I. I hated not being good enough- I was so sick to my stomach I would throw up daily for a month.
I have read several books on this subject which helped and hurt- after a while it just dug up the hurts again.
NOW my husband doesn't have access to our home computer, I changed the password too. As for the TV, I parentally controled all the channels except PBS. If you look back into the archives under pornograhy addiction from last year, you can read my (and many others) journal of our struggles and how we have come to be where we are today.
Your in my prayers as well as your husband and children.
Take Care,
Stacy

Melissa · Newbie Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 8

Please is there someone who could help us. We are still fighting everyday about the fact that he has the internet at work. He has agreed to put an accountability program on his computer at work but for some reason x3watch will not run. We are looking for a free program and one that will work on windows '98. Does anyone know of such a program. All we need is one that will e-mail someone else the websites that he went to. We aren't looking for a filter.
I know he will probably hate me for making him do this and yet if he doesn't there's no chance of me ever wanting to get close to him again. It is just so hard like I said to watch him leave here each morning knowing he is going to be on a computer that has the internet. It's like there just is no solution to this but I know there are programs out there it's just that so many either cost or they don't work on windows '98. I have been searching and searching but as of yet have not found one. If anyone could help I'd real-l-l-l-y appreciate it.
Again thank-you so much to those who have written. What WONDERFUL advice you all have given. The Lord BLESS you all.

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 188 Location: PA

Melissa, I just did a google search for free porn blocker and came up with the following sites- don't know if it will work on you 98 but it's worth a shot.
http://www.freeshield.com/
http://www.safeguardprotect.com/
http://www.freedownloadmanager.org/downloads/pornography_filter_software/
http://www.safefamilies.org/sitemap.php
I pray this helps, one of them has to work.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I felt the same way when my husband went to work. He actually went to his boss and sat with him and told him about his addiciton and swore he never veiwed anything at work but still said he would pay for a shield, which the boss inturn said not to worry about it, he wants all the computers to have it so the boss is paying for it. It helps some but I found out that one of the sites he went to isn't blocked by it cause it doesn't come up as a "porn" site. It's going to take a long time but if your husband wants it to work he will do what he has to to affrain from his mistakes.
In my prayers!
Stacy

Melissa · Newbie Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Posts: 8

Please HELP! Is there anyone who could help me find a FREE accountabiltiy program that would monitor the websites my husband visits at work and e-mail them to me other than x3watch(that one does not work). We really need to find something quickly. Thank-you

lisap · Newbie Joined: 07 Dec 2006 Posts: 16

Melissa,
I went through basically the same thing you are going through, about 16 years ago. Let me tell you my story from the start though.

I met my exhusband when I was 16 and he was 19. We dated 5 years and fell in love then married. We were married for 9 months when I started noticing he was acting like he was attracted to some of my friends. At a party one night I walked in to a bedroom and found him and a girl I worked with lying on the bed together. I eventually blew it off. Then I commented to another friend of mine what had happened, come to find out he had made a pass at her prior to our marriage. I began calling all my friends then, guess what, he had made passes at all of them. Nobody told me because they didn't want to hurt me. Sure wish they had. Anyway, we divorced. Stayed divorced for 6 months and then got back together. He was raised in a religion where if you divorce for any reason other than adultry then remarried you would not go to heaven, so, in his best interest (I found out later) he agreed to remarry me. (It was my idea, I loved him) We remarried and were married for 5 years without incident - other than people would tell me that say would see him at phone booths periodically. Again, I blew it off. Also, he kept several large stacks of porno magazines in our closet. I blew that off too. I guess I just thought that men did that, ?? We had a child together, then shortly after that when I would call home in the evenings about the time he would get home from work, our phone line would be busy. Again, I blew it off. To shorten the story somewhat, I received a phone call one morning from the local police department that someone from our phone number was making obscene phone calls. It was my husband. I was devastated. He said he would stop. But, I would still call home alot in the afternoons and the line would be busy, for hours. Also, I left work early one day and came home to find his car there. The door was locked. It took him several minutes to come to the door. One time I came home and he forgot to lock the door. I walked in on him naked, on the phone, with some "aids" lying around.
My husband agreed to counseling. He went. Then it came time for me to attend. I was shocked at the questions I was asked by the couselor. Evidently my husband had told her that the reason he was doing the things he was doing was because he was not sexually satisfied with me. We had what I would call a normal sex life. It was not enough for him. It was then that I knew our marriage was truly over. He had a problem and was convinced that I caused it. Unbelievable. We divorced. Come to find out later, he had actually been set up at one time by the person on the other end of one of his phone calls. This person happened to be a former acquaintance of ours and her father was in law enforcement. She agreed to meet him at a local park and told him she would be in a different car than what she was in so she could see who it was.

Currently he has an internet porn addiction. Unfortunately our son who is 20 now caught him.

He will only change if he truly wants to change.

I think that if your husband truly wanted to change and knew that he needed help he would do anything he could to be able to pay for a couselor and he would be the one to set it up, not you. This is a sad, sad situation and it is going to continue to grow as a problem with people as long as the world continues to change as it has.

I hope this helps you in some way. I am a very honest, to the point person because I want people to be that way with me. I went through a very embarassing and hurtful time that probably could have been avoided had the people that were close to me told me what they knew about him a long time ago. Yes, I do have my son, who is awesome, and I will always believe that is the sole reason my exhusband and I were put together.

Good luck

helpmejesus · Newbie Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 7

The reason 3x won't run is most likley malware. Malware, spyware, greyware etc are application installed by many sites that cause the computer to act in unexpected ways. The best bet is to have a tech format and re-install the operating system. Once that is done 3x can be installed and there should be no issues.

On another note. Most if not all companies that allow their employees to use the internet have stingant anti porn policies. You might note that to him. I he gets caught he will get fired. If that happens finding another job in the field may be impossible. He will not be able to provide for his family.

At this point only God can help him. He has to find a way back to God. Only then will your marriage prosper. My opion is that you should try more to encourage his journey to God rather than fight his addiction. Perhaps, rather than bring up his surfing, ask him about his prayer time. Ask him to pray for you and your children as he stuggles with his issues that you may have strength. Maybe if his focus changes to a positive it will spur him in the right direction.

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