pornography addiction

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

I posted in May about my husband and hiding and going to strip clubs, well all hell broke loose after I gave him the book every man's battle. He came clean with alot of things this past Thursday night.
He has been cheating on me for the last 2 years, and he has been addicted to porn both on the computer and vidoes. Even just watching VH1 late at night he would masterbate to them pumping and grinding.
He said he needs help and went to our pastor (I said he had to) he said no problem. Today he has told our 4 children (each seperately), he got mixed reactions, my oldest son said get out, how could you hurt mom like that, she's beautiful why would you need that. My daughter said along the same lines but a little gentler, and my one other son sat with my husband for over an hour talking about what we are going to do. I told my husband I'd try and see if it can work. With the pastors advice he was told, block the computer (I deleted his account- the others have password he will not know) parental control ALL channels on your TV (did that and gave all the kids the new password) His other prob;em is when his is out, he said he lust at women with low cut shirts constintly and will do everything he can to turn away from now on.
My Pastor was in shock, you never ever would have thought he would do any of this (even just the go go bar) but for this....everyone thought he was so straight. We are now working on the triggers and avoiding them and should he be left alone because thats when the affairs took place. I go away often with Youth Group being a Youth Leader now I don't know what to do. I have 3 events coming up including Women of Faith and I am afraid to go for the weekends. He said I should be because he isn't going to do anything but come on, this is all so fresh. How do I trust him again?
Lost, depressed, confused,feeling dirty, used, abused, and if I was skinnier, had bigger boobs, a tighter butt he would'nt have done this.
I haven't eaten in 4 days (I've tried and I throw up) my body just seems to be shutting down....PLEASE help me I AM scared!!!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2134 Location: Chicago

Scared and deservedly so. So much broken and so much to restore. Your kids are looking to you and your reaction to this situation. Even as a Christian man, your husband is not alone in his battle. It is more common than you think. A lot of what he has seen and does has been discovered to go back to childhood and how a father trained a son, or the peers he may have hung out with through high school and college.

It's going to take some work and some professional help. Many pastors are not trained to deal with this stuff and it goes very deep. If you have an opportunity please pick up "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn. It will help you immensely as you struggle through all of the feelings of pain and trust. Also, this page in Growthtrac has some great resources for finding help http://www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

It appears like your husband is taking responsibility for his actions and the fact that he was willing to speak to your children says A LOT about his character and love for his children. Not many men want to admit their sins and garbage to their kids.

You have an opportunity to show Christ's love and grace to your husband and your kids. You are a beloved and beautiful woman of God, know it, hang on to it, and believe it. In His eyes you are gorgeous and without defect. Say it to yourself every minute of the day if you need to.

You and your husband are in my prayers.. and prayerfully consider working with a professional on what is broken in your husband and needs to be restored in your marriage. Don't bury it or put it away in the bedroom closet, really - really work on it. Your marriage can and will grow stronger with God's direction and help. And... God's uses stories and pain like your own to be used for His glory someday. You may not realize it now, but some day he will use your story and that of your husband to help others. Finding the strength deep down to work through this pain, will make you stronger in the end. Yes, dear sister in Christ, I know you can do it.

And lastly.... know deep down in the pit of your stomach, this is not your fault... it is your husbands. He has a lot of work to do. Every step he takes to restore, to build, to get help and not blame you for his junk means he is really willing to work on this. He has a lot to lose.

webacus · Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 11:30 am Post subject:

I didn't see anything about counseling.

He needs professional help -- talking with your pastor
is a great first step-- but he needs professional,
Christian counseling.

This will take time...

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

thank you, I am trying really hard and I did tell him I would be willing to work on it if he did give himself totally to the Lord. He has told me he knows he has never done that and that is the problem.
Our Pastor is looking for the right councelor to work with us both, more him but I will still be totally involved and help hold him accountable. When I spoke to the pastor after she talked to my husband she said more will come out and she will look for someone who has experience in the area but we may have to go a least 1 hour away, I said whatever it take.
I told him he needs to hear that small voice inside that will tell his another option, he said he never heard it during all of this.
Last but not least I told him he needs to work on his relationship with God before he trys to fix everything else. Once he does that everything else should fall into place (with prayer) I am trying so hard to be strong.
I also did tell my kids it's now up hi & God. God forgives and how are be to be like God if we can't at least try.
Thank you again for all of your support.
We should hear from our "help" on Monday of where to go.

webacus · Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 12:34 pm Post subject:

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

You we are involved in our church and he also was given a few names by our pastor to talk to (men in our bible study). The Pastor left it up to him if he wanted to tell the kids or not. And said they will feel the tension and want to ask what is going on. He did give them the simple version (NO DETAILS) that he is addicted to porn and we will have a struggle ahead and why they TV is locked and dad will not know the code and so on.
Our kids are 20,19 & 18 that he told so they understand. Our youngest has Cerebral Palsy and is non verbal so he wouldn't understand.
I am getting more answers as we continue to talk. He thinks it started on his moms 15 death anniversay (She killed herself 17 years ago) and he said he was depressed and needed a relief and took pleasure in that.
Of course being the wife I said I was right in the bedroom.....I could have been part of that relief, but he didn't even show he was depressed...And on those anniversaries I am fully aware of his feeling since this has been a problem in the past...thank you again we are on the right start...and without being able to vent here I don't know where I'd be. I am too embarressed to tell anyone!

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

sorry I meant YES (not you) we are involved in a church, didn't mean to sound rude my minds going in 50 different directions Confused

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

The talking has continued and there is more to the story. He has also confessed that he has a major problem with just going to a store or anywhere their is women in low cut blouses. He said he gets turned on really easy by just looking at them. But he read that he can learn to redirect his looking and just look at their face or turn away. This is going to be alot harder than I thought but I know God is in control and who am I to judge. I am just so hurt. He also confessed that he never gave his heart to Christ. He has never been a Christian, played the part, said the words you want to hear, did pray but not with meaning. LORD! This is getting so deep, my eyes are permanetly swollen. Please keep us in your prayers. I am sooooooo hurt!

marasdac · Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 9:52 pm Post subject:

i believe your husband's Greatest need is to identify his need for JESUS. i'm sure you are also aware of this. to find Freedom from porn
is almost an insurmountable task.
i am now 44 weeks Free of porn. i was entangled for a good part of my almost 17 years of marriage. only now do i experience what it means to now be UNchained from the endless cycle of porn, cry, porn, promise no more, porn, quit, porn, only one more time,porn. the cycle does NOT end.
i cannot imagine facing this Beast without CHRIST. every mans battle is an excellent book. excellent. still once i reached the point where the book addressed how to quit ... i quit reading. at that time in my life, about april 05, i had NO REAL INTENTION TO QUIT.
Well last august, i confessed to small mens group, then my bride, (this was extremely difficult), and then my pastor. he then sent me to a christian counselor. this was most vital to my recovery!!
so know your husband CAN stop ... but i seriously doubt he will on his own. he needs your support, your firm line in the sand, your sex, but not your accountability. i agree, he must find this in a godly man.

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

I hurt so bad! It just seems to bring back all the times I ask why would he do that, or where'd he learn that. If only I was pretty, smart, thin, had big boobs, did the things he wanted from the porn, knew he was doing it.
I just don't feel good enough, I have NEVER been this low. I can't even walk with my head held high with confience like I used to. Every time some one says OMGosh whats the matter you alway smile, I lose it. I have had important meeting to be at and as soon as someone says whats wrong you don't seem yourself I lose it and I can't stop. I have a graduation to do this Friday and I don't know how I am going to get through, all I do is cry....if he says he loves me why would he hurt me so much, he prays all the time that I would understand but I know I am shutting God out, I am trying...but I just can't go on like this anymore..

Madam · Newbie Joined: 15 May 2006 Posts: 4

hey, it's not your fault, you could be the prettiest woman in the world, and it wouldnt make a difference to him, im sure you're very beautiful, and he clearly loves you and trusts you very much to be able to be talking to you about all of this, he's very brave, and he clearly wants to fight with all he is against this from the things that you've been saying he's said. He's gonna need a lot of support through this, but so do you, so make sure that you surround yoursef with the love and compassion of all your friends (maybe not all, but your closest ones should definately know about this and should stand with you in prayer Smile

) Theres something you can get for the pc, if you're worried that he will hack at it in desperation, its called x3 watch, and your husband can then be accountable to both you and your pastor through regular reports about questionable sites he has visited, take a look at the www.xxxchurch.com website, all of the information is on there.

I think you're amazing, keep being stood by him, keep loving him, and get him to support you as much as you're supporting him. Trust him, because he's done very well being able to tell you all this.

Smile

webacus · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 11:29 am Post subject:

Another link:

www.growthtrac.com/special/pornography/

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 192 Location: PA

Thanks Madam!!! I am trying th ebest I can. And with the support and responses I recieve here is really up liftingknowing it can be done.
He just contacted a support group at a church about 1/2 hour away.
We are going in the right direction...Thanks you Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LDC · Newbie Joined: 07 Jun 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Lakewood, CA

I'm praying for you!!!

Read what I wrote on "I just found out out he did cheat on me".

I know exactly how you're feeling. It is very impt. that you find at least one christian friend who is a good listener and can pray with you. It's an awful burden to carry on your own.

marasdac · Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 6:25 am Post subject:

dear wife and mother
regardless if you were prettier, thinner, bigger breasts, etc. it wouldn't change HIS BEHAVIOR. it is HIS REFUSAL, HIS POSSIBLE ADDICTION, HIS SIN. in short, HE must change. not you, not your fault, not your inadequacies.
i know now that porn, sexual sin, is not about SEX. it's about control. it was for me. you see, porn never told me NO. it never denied me immediate release. it did whatever perverted thing i asked. I HAD THE PROBLEM.
may GOD meet YOUR greatest need today, friday june 9. what you are responsible is this .... be GOD'S woman. focus on this. the HOLY SPIRIT will direct your steps.... just make sure you're willing to move your feet. hang in there kiddo Very Happy

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