pornography addiction

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

Aprild, I totally agree- trust is so hard! It's been 8 months but it feels like yesterday. It is gonna take alot of praying and alot of strength on our (wives) part. Even though this is grounds biblically for divorce I feel God wants better for both of us. To be a living example to our husbands. He really needs to kiss major butt to get through this.
They(the guys) have this big heavy thing off their chest and sat it right on ours and they have to understand that how ever long it takes to get this off our chest it's gonna take period!
But know God is in control and WILL get us through this in HIS time and HIS way. I will keep you in my prayers and good luck with counseling.
We tried with our Pastor and it just wasn't right, we needed a bipartisan person so we are with a good Christian Counselor that we go an hour away to see. "Ask and you will find". We also went through a weekend for guys (Every Mans Battle) and for us (Every Heart Restored) and they were both VERY informative!
OK gotta run, don't be a stranger, let me know if you need to vent, I am here!
Stacy

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I don't know where you are in PA, but I know of a good counsellor in Waynesboro, which is at the bottom middle of the state, near MD.

SSgtH8411 · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 2

I understand the pain that pornography causes women. I myself am a pornography addict. It is a vicious cycle that Satan keeps you in. You look at the images and then feel dirty and shamed so you sink further into a depression and cannot talk to anyone about it because you feel they will not understand. I have read Every Mans Battle and several other books on the subject. None however come close to dealing with the root problem like Steve Galleghers book At The Altar of Sexual Idolatry. Christian men who are trapped in the cycle of pornography hate it probably more than you do. God is a loving and forgiving God and will help us if we want that help. The root of all sin is one thing. Pride. Our flesh screams for it and we give in. Sexual sin is no different. I had no problems giving up alcohol when I got saved but the sexual sin is a trap that is so addicting and hard to overcome without help and the love of my wife I would never be able to overcome it. I highly recomend Steve Galleghers book if you are not the addicted one read to understand the mind of the addicted one.

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

Yes, My husband keeps asking me why am I am critical of him.. And why can I not just lt him have peace... We plan on seeing a counslour to. He calls me the accuser..... I do not understand him he says I have all kinds of people on myside and he is the one left in the cold.. I am s angry and I know that does not come from God but it is hard not to have it. He is really seeking God and I hope he continues to he says all I do is make him feel worse about it when I want to talk about it. How am I going to heal thn he said. I am making it worse on myself and not letting anything heal. I want to just cry but I have cried so much I do not think thre are any tears left. He says he is very sxually satisfied with and always has been . He says he dos not know why he has done these things. He knows that is it really bad and he does not want to loose our family. Now he says I do not hav his best intrst at heart what is his issue he did this to me... God please help me ....

SSgtH8411 · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 2

The issue is not our spouse or not being satisfied sexually in the marriage bed. The issue of all sexual sin goes back to our pride. We want it how we want it when we want it the way we want it. It is PRIDE. until we humble ourselves and become servants of our wives then we will struggle. Society has not made it easier. Porngraphy used to be a hidden thing now it is open on street corners and the internet has not made mens addictions easier. Put filters on the computer lock out the tv if he does not agree to these things he does not want to change. I continually battle. I hate going to the malls to shop. Girls today are taught to dress provocatively. TV shows on regular TV can be triggers. We seek holiness but do things that are not pleasing to God. It is not your fault he seeks porn. If he is seeking God let me tell you he hates living the way he is more than you hate it. He is ripped and torn. Support and be a loving wife. Don't compromise in the marriage bed to please him. Just allow him to speak freely about what he is feeling about the porn. I had saw porn for the first time when I was 8 years old and that image is still burned in my mind. That is where my addiction began. Pray for Gods conviction and help.

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

SSgtH8411
You have no idea what that means to me. Your saying what you have is exactly what my husband is saying. How dirty, and repentive he was after he did this, than sucked back in. He said he even stopped for 2 months when he had surgery and than went back. He said the sneakiness of being caught also was big thing. I have blocked the computer (password) and TV I did the parental control on all the channels except children shows, he has XXXchurch control on his computer at work.
You said don't compromise in the bedroom? You mean don't work harder at it. When he first told me, he first said it was me not being available to him, than changed his mind but I make sure we did it every night to keep the temptation away, are you saying that’s not what he needs?
We are near Philly and found a Christian Councilor in NJ who is incredible.
Please keep helping US get through this with your wise wisdom of been there did that. PLEASE!
Have a Blessed Day & Thank you again!

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

Aprild- know this is not your fault! Everyone deals with it in their own time and at their own pace. You have no control of your feelings and he needs to know that. It is the death of your marriage as you knew it. Grieving is a process and he needs to know this. And after all is said and done you will hopefully have a brand new, totally faithful, honest marriage. It will be new, not the same with the lies. This is a chance to have the marriage you always dreamed of. I thought I had that before but it was a one sided marriage. The 19 years we were married were all lies my husband said and he wants a "REAL" marriage. Nothing we can do to change the past- it's done, we have to move forward whether it be with them or without them. My feelings on without them is....say I do divorce him because of all of this, I would never trust another man! Wondering if he kept the same secrets and lies about them as well. Staying with my husband is a clean slate to be completely honest, starting over, dating- communicating the way we always have wanted to without lies. I think how hard it must have been to come clean to us. I thank God He gave my husband the strength to do it. If he'da come clean 5 years earlier I know I would have just said screw you and left. I do believe things happen at a certain time for a reason (NO REASON for the sin or to screw us the way they did)
but to strengthen what we WANT! I pray we all will do God's will in God's time with God strength he WILL give us if we ask and take it. Take Care!

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

I am so confused about my feelings.... Some times I want to just say forget it and walk away. I called to set up an appointment with a christian counsolour tommrow and I think we need to go so bad... I do not know where to even begin how I am feeling now. I want revenge but I know God does not want me to do that. But yet on the other hand i want to be close to my huband he came and got in the bed with me when i was sleeping and i woke up and he was holding me ... I have to admit it felt nice and i misssed it but yet again i was sad and hurt. alos I have been feeling very sexual lately and I am not sure how to deal with that.. What is wrong with me how can I look at him that way aftr all he has done to me... I just hung up on him and turned off my phone because I told him I still felt like I did not know everything and he said that is your problem right now I am at work.... WHAT !!!! that is crap... I think it is like you said sam he needs to take responsiblity and I do belive he is just wanting things back to normal ... hahaha they were never normal... My anger is over taking me in so many ways... I feel strongly I was him to reall pay for what he has done ... He could get kicked out of the millitary and he says that will be dumb on your part cause who will take care of our kids they are 2 and 5..... I got to think of them Iam so angry and he says I am only making it worse by keeping bringing it up i am not letting us to start to heal.... Some of the qustions I asked him he said he did not remember.... Besides the prostitute the others weere about 18 monthes ago so he says he blocked it somuch he does not reember.... I dont know he has answerd alot of my questions but he says it only makes you want to hate me more... I said I have a right to know...... I KNOW i NEED TO START WORKING ON HEALING HARD..... I feel so sick all the time thinking about the details the images play through my mind like a horror movie.... He says he loves me and our family and nevere wabnted to do anything to loose us.... and he says he knows what he did is horrible and will tkae time to heal. to an extent he is really seeking God but yet again like sam says h is calling me that accuser and telling me know one is on his side everyone hates him.. He even gets mad at me for being on here exspressing my feelings about it.... He said I wasnt everyone to feel sorry for me... What is wrong with him....... God GIVE ME STRENGTH TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

Aprild,
I also had the same feelings- I PROMISE it will get better! I still have the nightmares and lost alot of sleep, last week was real bad, I was up like 3 times every night. Also talking to other people who have been through it will also help both of you to get through it. I'm glad you called a counselor, my husband wasn't so happy to go but he knew it was to help work on the relationship and start the healing process. Honestly I don't think we started to heal until we went to the guy (in August- 3 months later). Get all the questions out of the way, I know it's hard. I got alot of I don't remember either but our counselor told me every time I bring up more questions it makes his mind go back to that "compartment" of his brain and relive what he is trying to leave behind and heal from. So we are kinda putting them in reverse when we keep bringin it up. I know, I've done it too. It's really hard and I went into reverse- I didn't talk to him for a while. It was just easier I thought. But in the long run it was hurting all of us including our kids. No matter their age they feel it. I told my husband the only reason I am here is because of our son (he is disabled and I now I couldn't do it alone). But with looking to God when we feel used, abused, dirty, not good enough, He will help us through it. OH nightmares- when I started having them I asked at a Every Heart Restored meeting what can I do, the lady said redirect your thoughts to something good, I now it sounds strange but I thought OK I love banana splits- so when I was getting those thoughts of him with others I would out loud say ice cream, over and over and try to picture a sundae and it took a while but it does work. It's worth a shot. I pray that you can feel some peace knowing we are not the only ones and God does want us to be happy. The devil has his own plan and is winning in our husbands lives but if they are willing to change and never do it again (with our help) they can do it!!
Oh sex- that very sexual feeling- it is completely normal too. We did it every night for over a month after he came clean, I did not want him to look at me naked but needed sex every night to feel his love (or thats what I thought it was) I still don't know why but it is normal. I am here for you as well as this whole Community- vent when you need to- it's ok. It really helped me let loose some of my kept up anger so I didn't take it out on him...

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

The only people I have told are my best two friends who have been praying for us and trying toi help me through this he told his dad which old his mom... I am trying to be loving and be the way Christ would have me to be but honestly it is very hard....Am I just suppose to sit around and not say anything I do not know what to do or say when I am around him. Because I do not want it to seem like I just letting it go but yet I do not want to have a horrible argument every time either. I know revenge is not the way to go and I am fighting my flesh about that. But hearing sexual addiction and porn addiction scares me and makes me want to just breakdown and cry again.... He says he loves me and wants me but why why why???? Did this happen if that is true????? I want ot be happy I do not desreve this..At first I was very strong God was giving me so much stregth and lately the more time goes by the worse I become what happend to my strength I know it is still there and I know God is there but why am I losing myself in all this I am not a very angry mean person who seeks revenge this is just destroying everything and I am so mad at him for doing it...He says he is truely sorry and he will do what evere he can to make it better ... What do I do now ????? I am afraid if we keep having sex it will make his problems he is suffering with worse... When we did have sex he said I was not myself I had no emotion in it and he was right I felt as if I wanted to use him for my pleasure and that was it. But yet I have nevere been that way tht is not me ..... I am afraid of being with him sexually becasue some of the things he says I am not comfortable with yes he is tryoingto fight is flesh and I begin to think bad things in a way of revenge I am so messed up by all this ...... We keep praying togethr and we are reading a book together trying ot work on our marriage in every area at home and of course soon seeing our pastor and a therapist .... 4 women that is alot .. he says the craving just over takes him and he feels he has to satisfy it... It does soound like a sex addiction but if I am giving himn sex why does he not get it only from me.. Since i am the best he has ever had....??????????????????????????

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

You are the best he will ever have; none of the OW were of Christ. We both know that. I was strong in the beginning too, I was told it was shock. Than when everything sinks in the why's come in. I eventually went to the doctor and was told I had post traumatic stress disorder and they gave me medicine- I didn't take any of it. I didn't want to cover my feelings but work through them. Also another thing that helped me, which not everyone can do is I went away. For a week I left for a Me & God time. All I did was read my bible and pray as to what God wanted me to do. I came home so willing to work. I got in the van when he picked me up at the airport and said I forgive you for what you did and am willing to work through this WITH you. It doesn't mean I trust you, that will take a long time but I do want this to work. It was a conviction week I think. God showed me where I have sinned in not being true to my self or my husband and he slapped that right in my face to remember just because your sin wasn't his sin- SIN IS SIN, none better than the other. My eyes opened. I was scared to death. The hardest thing to find something to talk about that didn't have to do with what he did. I still struggle with that today. I NEVER was this way either. I was always laughing; everything was half full even with problem that arose. I have never in my life been depressed, always had fun and made people happy and loved to have fun (good clean fun) When this happened I threw up daily, couldn't eat, lost 30lbs, and cried for a month. My kids even cried with me (21, 19 & 18, my youngest doesn't understand he's 16), they hated to see me that way. I finally had to put on a happy face just so they would be ok, they knew what happened, not in detail but that dad cheated on mom and how sorry he was. We had the perfect marriage (so I thought) we kissed and hugged all the time- I was in my fairy tale life and never knew that is exactly what it was. Writing down our feelings in a notebook has been a help. I have one & he has one. We have to write in it at least once a week and we leave it on the nightstand and read each others when we want to. So we don't have to directly say, I felt like crap this week to his face than we find time to talk about the feelings written on Saturday night (our time), if we don't schedule it it will never happen. I know this suck and we didn't do crap to deserve any of this and God knows that. But can we handle it? Can we be Christ like and prove everyone wrong that after an affair you divorce? We have to show them that if God is in control all things are possible!

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

There are sexual issues I have always faced. I was sexually abused when I was growing up so sexuality has always been a veruy difficult thing for me and to deal with. Ny father was a bad father who left so I have nevere had a really good relatioship with men. Then when I was 19 I was raped then again at 22. So my sexuality and sexual things really bother me and dealing with them .I did not want to reall air all this but I feel I need to . What u said about you had commited a sin against your hubby well so did I am the pastor said, exactly what u said that no sin is greater than another. And you both are right. But all i can think is four women and one man, It does not make it right and I am so eberasses at righting ll this one here but yet again it feels good to vent and just type all this down. My husbands lying and hiding things has been during our whole marriage of three years .. We only dated a little over a minth before we got marrid we were both engaged ot other people my ex was in Iraq and his was in Ny at school. We both really fell hesad over hills anf brooke it off with the other people to be togther but during our dating time I did catch him in a couple of lies... Maybe some of theses things have to do with why all this happend.... What do you think??????? He was cheating on this girl wi th me and he had cheated on her with others.... I did the same ... I am so ashamed I knew better ...But God has forgiven me I know but maybe if things would havee been diffrent butthey can not be changed now... I have ot pick up the pieces go to God and pray....

I have to admit something and this ie very difficult becuase it is in my past and God has forgivne me like he has my husband but I had an affair not long after we were marrid and I was pregnant with our son it was my ex fiance and he had just cam back from war, I have no idea why I did it an I am very ashamed but I do not want to make myself look like i am completely innocent here . because I am not I have never conntacted him again...

I would love to go away but I cna notwith our kids here since my husband in in the millitary we have no one ot watch them... our family is far away so that does not help plus my oldest has school..

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

OK more in common!!!!!
I was sexually molested at 12, just months after my mother died, by my brother-in-law. Do we have a sign on us or something? Screw them they can take it...it feels like it sometimes. After that everything went down hill too. I was very sexually active after that and got pregnant at 15 with my daughter (now 21). Than again at 17 with my son (now 19) so I had 2 kids before I graduated high school.. We have alot in common...
I have thought about what you said like our sin, is this happening because of what WE did? But I was told other wise, but I still wonder. What has helped me is thinking back to when I did this to him, I did no better. He just didn’t know. I got away with it. I also wasn't whole with God than either. I knew what I was doing was wrong BUT kept on going anyway.
Since that time I also have been forgiven even though I still feel horrible about it. But that’s what I look at, I am two faced for being mad at him when look what I did. Clean the slate- 2 wrongs, we need to move on. OK that’s just my thought; my mind doesn't let me move on. I was forgiven 15 years ago when I confessed to God what I did. I moved so close to him and was feeling so free, and I also thought my husband was too.
Him telling his dad IS GREAT! That is a hard thing to do, than mom. I'm sure he was waiting for how disappointed they were. My husband went to work and told his boss and that he needed a control thing put on his work computer, they jumped right on it and by the end of the week it was done.
Another thing I need to watch for is you will watch his every move with a fine tooth comb. I did it and still do, I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would be one to do this but it's the trust thing in full throttle. Alot of things he will do he honestly has no idea he is doing- really. Most of this stuff he has been doing and becomes habit. Habits are hard to break (I smoke)...Please just do what you can...it really is worth it. And anything I can do to help please let me know. Let him know he is being prayed for too and I have confidence in him because I can see him in my husband...strength!!

aprild · Junior Member Joined: 24 Jan 2007 Posts: 36

Not that is makes it any better but I told him thhe truth the whole time. I know that is no excuse..And it was not an on going thing. I just got off the phone with him and I was telling him what the therapist thought about the sex and porn addictiopn and he has this attitude like we do no knowwhat we are talking about ....I do not know if i mentioned thins before I am a psychology major I wish I was further in so I knew more. But I was telling him and he said I will not let them diganose me becuase that will hurt my millitary career...He said he wants to talk to them firts about ti and I said well u having sex with soldiers and their wives ana prsotitue is not better soon as he was commisioned he did this and that is a very big no no in the Army. So I do not know what is going to happen but I told him if he does not seek halp and do what he needs to do to change I will leave him .I said you have to be willing ot seek God with all your heart and under go therapy and change and said I know I need to change many thinsg but what else should I change I said whatever God and the thearpist think you should change.....He sounds like he thinks I am not serious I could be mis understanding his tone ?? I dont know .. I tis hard to understand anything anymore.......

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 189 Location: PA

My husband didn't want that diagnosis either. He was in denial that it was such a problem. Let the therapist decide, so you don't look like you were the one making the diagnosis. You now it is but let them take the rough stuff. The more our counselor said to him the more he understood, it's sounds crazy but it's true. Make sure you get your full hour too.
The first session ticked me off- he said why would your husband have to do this if he wasn't getting it properly at home? HELLO, he was getting it properly at home. And as for the porn, my husband said I wasn't around enough....again HELLO, I was home almost every night with dinner waiting on the table (that was one of my rules- I want to serve him with God's help dinner every night when he walked in the door) and lunch and breakfast packed for work every morning! If something wasn't right don't you think he'da said something or picked a fight to start something, than I would have known something was wrong...but he didn't. He pretended everything was fine. So after I set the counselor straight, he changed his toon back to him and not me causing it...since than this guy has said so many things that has helped us both (after he researched it more).
It sounds like the defensive mechanism has kicked in for your husband; mine did it as well its part of his grieving. He has to go through it.
It's gonna be hard, just remember to breathe!

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