PORN Recovery

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Sure, let her know about Growthtrac. I think she would love it.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

I know she would. I pray that in some way she could access Growthtrac. It's wonderfully freeing. We have the filter on our computer because of our son needing to be able to do reports for school. I'm not really sure about this but I understand she could have it set up that she knows exactly what sites are being tapped into. It could go to her private e-mail. Just a thought. Good Luck, to both of you. -RJ-

jlc · Newbie Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 17

We've been researching and discussing filtering and accountability software for the computer. But she is still uneasy and fears I could manipulate the software. But it is still open at this time.
I'll discuss the site with her and see what her feelings are about it.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

jlc,
Just wanted to add that my husband was searching through Christian based sites to garner info for me. I wasn't aware at the time that he was doing this, I was, shall we say, a bit put out with him for the moment. He knew I needed something. I will say I was a bit skeptical of truly finding anything Christian based on this terrible monster called the computer. Had a real adversion to even having it in my home. I've since come to the realization that it's not having the computer that's the problem, it was how it was being used. Truth be told all the filters in the world will not stop my husband from accessing porn, he and God have to do that. When I began searching on my own, I found Growthtrac. I firmly believe God led me here. Even you must sense the wonderfulness of this site.

-RJ-

wifeandmother · Full Member Joined: 12 May 2006 Posts: 188 Location: PA

Jlc, my husband also is "clean", in June it will be 2 years. AT least thats what he says. Yes trust is very hard, and may take many many years. Certain things trigger it, I can't explain. I have done exactly like you are saying for your wife, sex-because we have to, so yous can release. Made me sick. Very minimal talking, I had the hardest time just looking at him. I have to tell you it has gotten some what better. I refused to not have internet at home so I locked the computer and the TV so he can't get on. I am sure if he wanted to he could figure it out but says he hasn't. He went to a program called Every Man's Battle and I went to a group called Every Heart Restored, it's a weekend thing, two seperate weekends and I have to say, speaking to others with the same problems was a blesing. You wife feels so alone, like she did something wrong. No matter how many times you tell her it has nothing to do with her, it goes in one ear and out the other. But keep the Faith, God is good and will provide.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

wifeandmother,

What I find so interesting is that although our (the betrayed ones) situations may be different, our thoughts and reactions are somewhat the same. Many of the feelings you have expressed equal mine. My H has been "pure" for almost 14 months. My D-day was in Aug. 06. It took him a while to understand that M was still not appropiate in a marriage because he thought since it was private it was not a problem. Needless to say God revealed to him that "YES" it most defintely is. With God's help, he has been amazed at how he has overcome his problem. Like you say though, the trusting issue will take a long while. That's ok. We have a right to guard our hearts. Like Sam says, it's self-preservation. I have forgiven my H because he has asked me to, and God requires it of me. Forgiving is really for our own peace of mind.

The word "trigger" has become a constant in my vocabulary. They are lessening though. I know time heals, but I do not want to become "just ok" with my life, my situation, my marriage. I deserve to live a happy, fulfilling, fun-filled life. Just because My H has his issues (and has trucked me through the mire with him), I can choose whether or not they will overtake and defeat me. Thankfully, I am a stubborn person. My H is thankful I am too. It won't be the same (my little illusion of what I thought my marriage was all these years), but it has to be better than what it really was. It is a daily choice. Easy? No. I am praying that since we have both been given a fresh start ( by God shining his light on the darkness), we can have the marriage God had intended all along.

Your right, God does provide. We just have to comply. Wink

Smile -RJ-

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

As I prayed over you and your marriages today, I remembered an old hymn that was sung in church this weekend. My church is rather contemporary, but they've been playing some old hymns with jazzed up arrangements lately. It's one I haven't heard since I was a child.

I loved the words so much, I thought I would share them with you as you are going through your struggles.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

kemi0503 · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

This is really a blessing to find information on pornography addiction! My husband and I have been married for almost three years and it has been very difficult with being married and facing this demon. I have to honestly say that I appreciate my husband because he made me aware of this before we got married, but I was ignorant to the fact of the depth of this addiction. My first year of marriage I was very disappointed it was nothing that I imagined marriage to be like. My husband is a well known minister in our area and he is well-respected and admired. It was very difficult for me to put up one image around the people in the public knowing what the real truth was at home. The first year of our marriage he would stay up all night on the computer and especially on Sunday nights. I would lie in my bed and just cry as I heard the mouse on the computer clicking all night long. I felt like he was cheating on me right in front of my face. In the meantime he would always compare me to women and always tell me my body wasn't good enough. Through prayer I come to accept the situation better and learn how to cope with it without allowing it to affect my self esteem and my self worth. Please pray for me and anybody with any suggestions please help. Confused

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Welcome, we're so glad you have joined us.

You're husband admitted his addiction and struggles to you before marriage. But, as a couple what are you doing together to get the help needed? And, what is your husband doing to get the help and accountability he needs?

It's one thing to admit it - it's another thing to sit and view it and do nothing to get help for the addiction.

kellison · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

jlc,
My husband is a recovering sex addict, sober for about 2 1/2 years. Since he told me, our marriage has never been better. It wasn't easy and it took me a while to fully trust him again, but God can do amazing things. He has been dealing with his addiction since he was 6. (of course not knowing it was a problem until adulthood.) Honestly, I was relieved to find out that our marital problems had a name and wasn't all my fault, and I wished that all of the women going thru this would remember that this addiction is the worst one out there, because it is everywhere. These guys can't get away from it. It is on bumper stickers, billboards, in stores, on the radio, and of course on the internet. Not to say that we didn't have our hurdles to overcome, because although I didn't withhold sex from him, I told him flat out (even when it offended him) I couldn't be intimate with him at that time because I was having a hard time with his addiction. Then we would talk about it. (he had to swallow alot of his pride though) We had a great Christian councelor, and still visit with her from time to time because, jlc, this is a lifelong recovery. It doesn't go away ever for you or for your wife. It can be managed, and you can have a great and successful marriage, but open communication is the key in making it work. Encourage your wife to ask questions, but be careful how candid you are with your answers. Be prepared for her reactions and try not to get too hurt over them. Remember, she is going thru this just as much as you are. Also, you are not responsible for her reactions. Nor is she for yours. If she asks a question and freaks out, try to be understanding, but don't try to fix her and she should try do the same for you. Let her have her emotions but don't let her reactions discourage you. She needs to understand that your addiction isn't about her. It is not a direct reflection of the love you have for her. And tell her that often, everyday.
Good luck jlc, and God bless your marriage. Hang in there! I will be praying for you and your wife.

kellison · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

How is your husband with you now? Has he been thru a 12 step program?

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((Kemi0503)))))

Dearest sister in Christ,

I can only give you advice as to how my husband and I have gotten where we are today. My husband had been addicted to porn for over 40 years. I have just recently found out about his sexual addictions, his several affairs for the first 6 years of our marriage, and then his visiting adult porn houses, and his on going addiction to porn on the computer. I have the HPV virus because of him. That is how I found out about all of this.

Kemi, you cannot simply accept this situation and just learn to cope with it. That is NOT what God wants you to do. You must put on the full armor of God and fight. It will not be easy, but with God giving you strength, you can win. Pray like you have never prayed before. You know that what your husband is doing is not of God. It is of satan. It's very powerful. Just remember God is more powerful.

It came down to me being the catalyst for my husband to understand I would no longer allow this to be in my life, let alone his. God wants to use you to free him from this prison. What motivated my husband was 1. Fear - of losing what was so precious to him(me, our life together, his children, respect of the community, having this come out publicly in the long run) 2. Anger - at what he is doing against God, and against me. My husband was the church music minister, taught Sunday School, did prison ministry, all while still viewing porn and visiting porn houses. We wonder how in the world they could do both, live a double life. They can't in the long run. My husband and I firmly believe that if he had not heeded this warning that harsher punishment was going to be handed down by God. See, God is so patient, so loving, but he is also jealous. He cannot allow one of His own to continue to not heed his Word. God will and has publicly destroyed ministries because of porn. My husband had over the last few years thought he had gotten somewhat better. He did not view as much, he did not go to porn houses as much. Thought he was better but still did not see porn on the computer as bad because it was private. He understands now that it was damaging to me, our marriage and God's will for him.

God may be silent for a long time, but it should not be interpreted as approval. He is giving your husband room for repentance. God cannot nor will He honor you husband's ministry if he continues down this path. He needs to have complete sobriety. Is this easy? Definitely not. It will be the hardest battle for both of you. But remember God works miracles. Ask Him for strength, peace and understanding. You will both need it. You will need it because you will be engaging the enemy. Your husband will need to get broken. To truly ask for forgiveness from God and you. He has not been cherishing you as the scriptures call for him to do. You deserve no less. Do not be fooled into thinking this will not progress into something more. After a while, the computer will not be enough to satisfy him. It is a VERY progressive behavior. You know what God says about fornicators. His scriptures are very clear. Research the scriptures about marriage. He does not expect you to submit to your husbands weaknesses, especially evil ones. Besides you would not want to bring children into the midst of this.

I hope I have not come across too harsh. It's just that I understand where you are both at and what's ahead for there to be total and effective recovery. My husband now has victory in this area. Does he still struggle? Yes. This addiction is controlling. Satan knows our weaknesses. Our God is on our side, don't forget that. We have to do the hard work, though.

My husband wanted to offer this information to your husband. This site is what helped him. This allowed him to preserve anonymity. It is a bible-based online recovery program. It costs about $100.00. You go through a 30 day workshop on line. You print out a workbook and watch videos on line. This is headed by a man named Joe Dallas. It will make your husband come face to face with God and himself. My husband at first didn't believe he had a real problem with addiction anymore with just porn on the computer. This program brought him to his knees and showed him where he was in his true relationship with his Father in Heaven. He knows he cannot start his day without God. His persoanl relationship with God is real. It will always be an ongoing battle. But it's so worth the feeling of being right with God, with me, and our marriage. He feels clean after all these years. If my husband can do this after so many years in bondage, so can yours. You can access this program at www.pureonline.com. I pray your husband will want help. He has to want help. I am praying for you too. Stand firm. You must be strong and bold. God expects us to do our part no matter how hard it is. There is nothing wrong with standing for God. He will bless you beyond your own understanding. Believe me I know.

My husband and I are going to be praying so hard for the both of you. Take comfort that neither one of you are alone. There are many on here who understand completely what you are going through.

Take care and may God give you His peace. -RJ-

kemi0503 · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

Secured,
I would like to say thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It's so funny because I spent so much time the first two years of my marriage, looking for resources on this topic and I couldn't find anything. I went to the christian bookstore and I kept seeing people I knew who would ask me what I was looking at and that kind of made me weary of that. Because inspite of my husband's addiction, I still want to protect him, because I realize this is a spiritual attack. As far as what are we doing as far as help he is very reluctant and in alot of denial. I seeked therapy but he said that he didn't need it because there is nothing wrong with him. Thank you for sharing your story with me it is very enlightening.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Dear Kemi0503 -

loved12 · Newbie Joined: 03 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

I am dealing with this issue now. I found out in January about my husband's addition. I was looking for the book his needs her needs and with God's love was given the website for The man of her dreams and the women of his by joel and kathy D. My husband and I went to the marriage intensive weekend, read the books and are watching the DVD. This is a year recovery program. I was ready to leave my husband (lawyer and all) to starting to dream about an outrageously happy marriage. My husband is turning into the man I always wanted and I am dreaming about not just being happy, but being outrageously happy.

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