PLEASE GIVE YOUR HONEST OPINION!

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I will continue to keep you in prayer.

I have a question for you. Is your wife angry at God? Does she not trust God because He "allowed" her rape to happen? Does she have unforgiveness towards God?

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

first for Sam:

yes, she had years of counseling.....she said that she just sat there and cried...

as to the rape:

she does not seem to have anger towards God, or even her parents. She just accepts being beaten down as the norm for her life; until she met me. She actually is more comfortable being thought of as trash than as worthy...very sad.

I also think that she put herself in a very dangerous position when she was a teen. This adds to her guilt. She may even think she "asked for it", like some victims blame themselves.

As we have been praying and getting closer, she is remembering things about her father that are making her uncomfortble....for instance, she was 7 years old and HATED lying on the couch with him, watching TV (something kids usually LOVE). He would make comments about women's breasts and say, "we cannot watch Little House, WKRP in Cinncinatti is on and I gotta see those _______". to a little girl.

She has a memory of being in the shower with him. She also believes that her mother knows.

The man that she was seeing behind my back....well, he is very, very similar to her father. Cold, mean, etc...he is completely friendless in the police department, where there are usually great comraderie among cops...because he is such a cold hearted arrogant, you know what.

Amazing how she was drawn to a man who WOULD have punished her..

the sinfulness of sin.

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

[quote="rdsmith3"]I will continue to keep you in prayer.

I have a question for you. Is your wife angry at God? Does she not trust God because He "allowed" her rape to happen? Does she have unforgiveness towards God?[/quote]

RDsmith,

she actually says that she believes that God allowed it to happen so that she would be bruised enough and wounded enough to see her need for a Savior; unlike the rest of her family.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

I hope so.....I do still feel so very hurt. she has been nothing but understanding, but the shock of it has left me hypervigilant and I get hit, about once a day now, with real dark despair.

I admire her for talking through the toughest issues; she recently took me through the rape that happened when she was a teen. Afterwards, she threw up 4 times. We prayed for forgiveness for the perpetrators; justice so that other women would be protected, and for us; that she would not punish herself anylonger, and that I would not hold hatred towards these two (I am struggling with that).

She is better because of it.

I just wonder how long until the bad dreams, nightmares, and crying breakdowns stop.....................

I want to run away so she cannot hurt me again, but I so desperately love her. She believes that by facing her past, talking them through and then committing them to prayer will STOP her self-destruction--her life long pattern of sabotaging her own happiness and well-being.

I feel like something is broken inside me. It is so hard to describe. When the darkness comes, it is bad and I don't want to live so that she cannot hurt me again. I never loved like this....never. I won't commit suicide; not at all. But I think of it daily, whenever I miss her and am afraid that she will do it again.

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

just an update....how her emotional affair has impacted me.

Her infidelity took me completely by shock. I have treated her like gold...loving, gentle, attentive, and we have been best friends. Only in the summer did she not appear to be herself, and began to go for walks by herself; something we just never did. By September, I learned the ugly truth that is in the first paragraph ---I still wake up in disbelief.

Her repentance continues and she hates herself for it. It is so hard on her to see me in such pain, but even hiding it does not help.

My self-confidence is shot.
I am hypervigilant.
I feel worthless, often think of suicide.
I have neglected my kids the past few months; nothing serious, but "neglect" based upon how much attention I used to give them when I felt healthy. I asked for their forgiveness yesterday.
My trust in God is wavering.

This was my worst nightmare and my wife has spent two months convincing me that it was nothing that I did. I wish it were me, so I could repent and make changes. She said that she was drawn to her "old life" of self-destruction, brought up to believe that she has to fulfill what her parents said about her: she'd always ruin things. She said that she feels that this was the final struggle between the old person and the new, covenantal (my last name) Christian woman that she wants to be

Her parents came for her birthday. They had contempt for her. It was very sad (they are the only ones who know). Her father says little, as he fears that she remembers him being inappropriate with her as a child. She knows that if she were to bring this forward, her family would label her a liar and disown her. She feels that Christ is calling her away from the unbelieving family, and into the family of faith.

She continues to do well in the faith.

I continue to suffer, crying every day; trouble focusing on my work, frequently feeling sick and depressed. I am still in the shock state.

It also troubles me that certain things set me off....she makes the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies but she made them for HIM, so if she makes them for the kids, I go to pieces. Every little trigger that hurts me, makes her feel unforgiven.

I feel like I am doing the enemy's work by constantly bringing up her sin, inadvertantly, by my own pain. Even when I hide it, she can tell. When I have a nightmare, she knows it, obviously.

I feel shattered completely, and even though I have been a person who never lacked for confidence his whole life, I even stutter on occassion, have a poor memory, and just have so little self-worth.

I am in need of the help of the Lord.

I hope anyone out there reading this can seriously consider the pain you cause to others when you let your heart stray.

I adore my wife; but look for reasons to get strong enough to leave her. Why? so she cannot hurt me again. She begs me to stay, promising over and over, pleading with me to trust in God that she has really turned her back upon the old nature.....the strange thing is this:

other than what she has done, she is sooooo lovely. She is kind, loving, warm, sensitive. If you looked at a picture of her, you would say things like "beautiful, lovely, chaste, etc". She looks in the mirror and sees fat, ugly and gross.

I have been adorning her outside to match the loveliness on the inside, even though money is so tight, and she seems to be rising to it. She appreciates me for it.

my dark fear?

That I am teaching her God's Word, washing her mind, making her lovely, teaching her wonderful principles of marriage, buying her beautiful clothing and jewelry...

and it will all be for another man's blessing.

I know that sounds sick, but that is really how low I am in life right now.

Does anyone know how many months pass before significant healing is realized?

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

Will there ever come a time when I won't call my self an "empty shell of a man"?

I honestly don't know.

I don't feel worthy of a new pair of jeans. It is like "why bother to look nice?".

My daughter went out on a date the other night and my wife thought she was lying to me. I felt like that was okay because I deserve to be lied to. I snapped out of that awful feeling and called her (she hadn't lied, but my wife is very, very sensitive and loves my daughter. My wife feels that the past few months have really impacted the kids; especially my 17 year old daughter; whom she loves....she is right about that).

I appreciate her concern but was actually a bit stunned at how I felt about myself...like I deserve to be lied to and cheated upon.

I feel like a loser.

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

Happy Thanksgiving to all who have listened and prayed.....

I hope you don't mind a bit of a sad update. If it bums you out, please skip here.....

Thanksgiving, because I recognize the Providence of God, has always been one of my very favorite holidays; but not this year.

This year, I lack trust in Him. I acknowledge that as sin. I confess that the memories of what she did torment me.

What is SHE doing today?

Up all night cooking; up early in the morning cooking, cleaning, and even bringing joy to my ex wife--having her here for Thanksgiving Dinner because her own kids want nothing to do with her----so she makes peace between them with her gentle spirit. It has worked before and today should be, God willing, the same.

That adds to my guilt.

If I sulk, she will know and feel badly. I was up all night thinking how every happy memory with her is tainted and how I wish I could somehow leave her, but knowing that I could not....not just because of the commandment of God, but because I love her. I seek her highest good. Her repentance is real...

I guess 2 months is just not enough time....I will try to keep a happy face for her --she deserves that. Since being cheated upon, my confidence is shot, my self-esteem is below worthless, and I care little how I appear, and now am plagued with a bad stomach and constant illness. In fact, at the job, I have run out of sick time and am getting hassled. My immune system was under attack for so long due to the stress, that the aftermath has left me devastated....

so, I feel physically and emotionally defeated. I keep wondering how she was, emotionally, able to do this while being so close to me? while telling ME how much she loved me...

I keep thinking about how what things she talked about with him; going kayacking (I have never done that and the very thought of it makes me shudder now), meeting his family, going to Boston with him.....

I feel disdain for all cops and cannot even watch another cop show.

I feel very alone. No one knows....all the kids, including the grown ones, just adore her, and I could never change that. She earned that with them.

Why did she betray me? I wake up and ask myself that everyday? Could I have treated her any better? She says "no", but I search....

but mostly, Why did God allow me to be chastised with that which I fear the most? I am sick to my stomach with the thought.

sorry to be so down on Thanksgiving.................perhaps some of you are down here with me, or have been. This is the first holiday since she confessed to sneaking around and seeing another man before only our SECOND anniversary.

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

update...

starting to heal a bit The sting is bad, at times, but the frequency is less. My spouse continues to be open and honest and allows me to ask the same questions over and over.

Yesterday, after church, a thought hit me about her...

she was not caught. She knew she was wrong. She had engaged in an emotional affair, allowed him to hold her hand, and engaged in two long embraces. Confronting him gave the same answers.

She came to me. She could have ended it quietly and never have told me, but she took the gamble that I would forgive her.

She came very close to losing me. She now looks back at the summer and believes it was a test....she slowly pursued a man who would destroy her happiness. She has always engaged in self-punishment; since she was molested as a child and later raped by 2 men. That is all she has ever known. She says that she believes that this was a terrible time of testing for her: would she accept the forgiveness of Christ, or would she return to a life of self-ruination: bad relationships, eating disorder, substance abuse....self hatred.

She feels that she almost completely lost everything, but her guilt was unbearable and she felt that the best person to talk to was in fact, her best friend. Her best friend has, since he met her, only used kind words, kind actions, and has been 100% supportive. He has shown her great respect and honor, and sacrifices for her daily.

She thought she could come to me and receive pardon for her sins, from Christ, and from me.

I don't know how I listened to her account of this horrible sin without blowing up, but I was calm. I broke and cried daily, but never struck out at her. I came close to really wanting toharm myself, and very close to leaving, but was worried what would become of her; and that I love her so dearly. We have been best friends since the day we met, and she felt that I was the only person she could trust to help her rid herself of this sin.

That feels like an honor.

I still hurt and still break. When I cry, she just holds me and says that she is sorry, and it will never happen again. she never complains that I won't let it go. She never says a word about my tears.

I generally find that there is not a single hour in which I don't think about what she did, but last week, I found that I made it through almost a full day (8 hours) with only thinking of it once. So, I think progress is continuing.

I have returned to playing the guitar though I still feel inadequate and still somewhat shocked.

the anger has lessened.

I have confessed my lack of trust in God TO God....because this was the worst nightmare of my life. Nothing has ever been this painful even though I thought I had experienced some true pain...

I never loved so deeply, and therefore, have never been so hurt in all my life.

Thank you for prayers to this stranger.

I ask that if you have it in you emotinally to continue to pray, that you do so. I know it is asking a lot, and I need to get out of my own shell a bit and read some in the boards here and pray for others....

thank you.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

Yes, I found that praying for others helps. I started keeping a prayer journal in August, and I also have some pages in it with praise and thanks for the things God has blessed me with, including my wife and family.

I will keep you in prayer.

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

rdsmith, thank you. It is kind of you to remember to pray for someone you've never met.

I go between the intellect (look at her repentance) and emotions (God, how it still hurts so badly!) on a daily basis.

She told him that he looked nice (he wears shirt and tie, and with my job, I don't) and it is almost stunning how bad the pain is when I think of it. I wish I never heard about that. I have lost weight and bought some clothes but still feel so horrible.

Little foxes spoil the vine. I have to terminate this one through prayer.

At least I have gone some days, here and there, where I had no tears. I think the holiday is going to to be very, very tough.

Many years ago, I kept a prayer journal and would go back to it and make notes when God answered the prayer reuest....I think it is a great idea.

[quote][/quote]

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

Jan 2008 update...
I am still with her, and she continues to do everything right. Yet, the memories haunt me and drag me to the ground---mostly at night; when I am tired.

I still have some nightmares, though not as much.

Sometimes, when I think of how much I love her, I have a strong desire to leave so that I cannot be hurt again.

Sometimes, the shame and humiliation are just too much. TV shows, or music, or anything can set it off.

If you are reading this and ever considering cheating, just don't. The pain you inflict upon another is worse than anything.

Thoughts of suicide are still with me.....rather than daily, as it was 4 months ago, it is a few times per week. Just to stop the pain, or to stop the pain I fear is coming back.

She has been off **** since she came clean, and has been herself, and not that Zombie that she was in the summer.

Please continue to pray for me. I wish I could forget. The pain is just awful.

Empty Shell of a Man....

softy7 · Newbie Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 16

You and your wife are in my prayers.

I was cheated upon in my first marriage and it devastated me. Unlike your wife, my ex did not repent and made me feel as though I was the cause. Keep strengthening yourself in the Lord. Your wife is human, we all fall short. You didn't ask to be cheated upon. God may be using this situation to strengthen you and your marriage because you haven't left and your wife has repented and turned away from infidelity.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Believe His Word and count on him to get your through.
1 Peter 5:7
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Give it (yourself, your wife, your marriage, your hurt) to Jesus, He is the only One fit to bare it. (You are not)

RJ · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 8

I am totally new to this. I have been married for 33 years. In 2006, after a routine exam I had to have a biopsy done. It revealed that I had a mild form of a sexuallt-transmitted disease. At first those words did not register. (sexually-transmitted). When my husband got home from work, I just stood there and asked him had he cheated on me. That silence was so loud. He admitted that he had several affairs which ended in 1981. Believe it or not, the first one was 6 months after we were married. He's always had a problem with porn. He kept promising to quit the porn. But I would catch him through the computer history. He would pick women up in bars and so on. There was one who MADE him date her. MADE him? This went on for two weeks.(In May 1981) He then called her from work several months later to see how she was(Ugh) She had gotten married. She was 34 and he was 27 at the time. She was not too happy to hear from him. Later in 1982, he was in AZ. and rode around and drove by her house. He says it was sexual addiction that made him do this. When I had my biopsy in 2006, he had to go out of town on a mtg. While there he went to an adult porn store. While I was hurting, he did this. To know him you would not believe this of him. He says the physical affairs stopped in 1981. He now says that the other has stopped because he knows he had better get his life back on track for the Lord (yes, he is a Christian) or the Lord will deal with him severly. Also because he cherishes our marriage now and I am very dear to him and am his life. No one knows about this. I am trying VERY hard to go on and have a good marriage. The Lord has been very wonderful in giving me strength. I know it has been a long time ago about the physical affairs but it seems like yesterday. I've gotten very good at redirecting my thoughts but still feel like I'm just pushing it back and not dealing with it. I just feel like he's getting away with it. He's hated the fact that he has hurt me and he's very caring and attentive. I am just afraid that since I have tried to go on with the marriage and not made him pay a price that he might repeat his earlier life style. Where are his consequences? I am the one who is baring everything. He says he's hurting because of what he's done to me. It's just not enough. Thanks, RJ

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

RJ,

reading your hurt took me away from my own selfishness for a moment.

I know this sounds awful, but you can comfort yourself with this: most all men who have affairs do so out of sexual drive, and nothing more. They don't want (or didn't want; past tense) the other woman, they wanted the body parts. They used them and then discarded them. He realized that he wants YOU; all of you, your heart, your mind, your ideas, your strengths, your weaknesses, your ups and downs, your little things that he would miss with utter pain if you left....YOU, the whole YOU he wants.

he hurts for a lot of reasons. First, for hurting you. No, he does not know how badly he hurt you. He can never know. He hurts because of the shame of what he has done. He hurts because he dishonored the Lord, ultimately.

You DO need someone to talk to.

I am in a small town. I cannot go for counsel. I have NO ONE to talk to, but my spouse. She is wonderful at listening, but I hate the fact that when I talk about it, it makes her want to harm herself.

It is SO hard not being able to talk about it. If I could, I would talk about it all day, cry all day, be angry, and so on.

If you can go for counseling, you should. It really helps put things in perspective and may alleviate some of the ongoing pain.

Part of his repentance must be a willingness to answer any questions you have. Ask away.

The sting gets less, I promise.

I have found posting here helps. Most of the time, I don't get a response, but that is okay. I feel almost as if I have "told" someone.

I know that you feel shame, and you must see that, like David, he sinned against God. You did not sin. You did not cause this. Spouses are cruel to do that. Unless someone is helping that atmosphere by witholding all affection (which is robbery), blame should not be assigned; it is just not right and it is not useful to you.

Talk about it here, if you have no one in church, or a professional you can talk to.

funny thing about a small town here....due to our work, my wife and I know most all of the professionals....truth be told, I need help and need it desperately, but the ones that I know, I wouldn't give you a cup of coffee for their time. They take medicaid cases constantly because people with money would never waste their time with them.

As you read, knowing that God is in control, you may gently seek Him and ask, "why", not from a challenging or unbelieving heart, but from one that knows that He orchestrates all things for our benefit.

I still am asking and I have learned some things about MY chastisement (we are hurting; we are being chastening by a loving Father, even when we are the recipients of their sin), but still don't have all the answers.

Some days, I struggle just to say that I want to live. Other days, it is easier.

I go on this newsboard on the bad days; when I am in pain.

I will pray for you, and use my pain to remind me to pray for you, but please do the same for me....

and post more.

Empty Shell of a Man

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