Not Legally seperated but emotionally so

phoenixoklahoma · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 1

H left me Jan. 1. He has no intention of trying to make our marriage work but he hasn't taken any actual steps to end it other than moving out. Most of his things are still at our house.

I am lonely. I have asked him if we could date, leaving all the crap behind when we do. He is going to think about it. My question is, I am wanting companionship - not marriage -- is it ok to date? I asked H if he cared and he said no.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Welcome, we're glad you have joined us.

It's important to be able to set appropriate boundaries with your husband.
If he is choosing not to be your husband and leave, then he does not get the priviledges of a husband - intimacy with you being one of those priviledges.

Dating would be great and counseling would be better before he can come home, if he decides to do so.

There is a wonderful book by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough that is very helpful for this situation.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 157

phoenixoklahoma,

[My question is, I am wanting companionship - not marriage -- is it ok to date? I asked H if he cared and he said no.]

You were asking if it was ok to date your husband under the circumstances and not asking if it was ok to date someone else just for companionship, right?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

It's OK to date your husband...
It's NOT OK to date someone else while you are still legally married.

tercel95 · Newbie Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 16

I've been separated from my wife from early February of this year, we quarrel a lot because we have been seeing things differently for the past few year. Firstly she works at our church as a secretary but we hardly get to spend much time together because she's always busy in meeting or something else, there are times when we are to leave church to go home to cook dinner but she always has something doing, i work two jobs so sometimes i leave work and straight to church, we went and talked to our bishop to give us sunday nights off to bond as a family. We have three children. I resigh my night job because it kept me away from my family,this we agree upon anyway she agree to try to adjust herself so we can spend even saturday together because she's always at church working the other days. we had a big argument january tthis year because i got sick, after a few days i felt a little stronger to go to work. One day i called her telling her i felt weak also felt like i was going to faint at the bus stop, she saib she was in a meeting with our Bishop & she is begging me to go home & cook until she gets home, remember i was feeling very weak at the bustop. When she reach home was when we had the quarell because i told her she needed to manage her time & show me respect as her husband, she could have ask our bishop for time off to see about her sick,weak husband instaed she choose to stay. She got up and walked away saying she cant take any argument, next thing she was going through the door, i stopped her & said she will not leave until we have a family meeting. She went into the bathroom & called the police because she wanted to leave and i didnt want her to. I decided to leave, She said she want to be alone ant time to sort her head out.

tercel95 · Newbie Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 16

I want to know, being separated do i loose my rights as a husband because i ask her for some dinner on three occassions and she said no. We went to the counsellor & i told the counsellor but my wife said she is not obligated to me so she don't have to do anything for me. What do you think ?

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Welcome - we're so glad you've come to GT community.

I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances with your wife.

It seems like she is has great enjoyment and self-worth from her work. She may be affirmed there for her work ethic and feels wonderful serving the church. The demands of work and home can be very hard to juggle.

If you are separated from your wife, she is under no obligation to buy your groceries, do your laundry, pay your bills or fix your meals. You cannot place demands on her as you can tell from her response to your request.

I've heard it here on the boards before - if you're going into counseling with the hope that you will get the counselor and her to see things your way, counseling will never work. Counseling is about changing yourself, not your spouse. Only God is in the business of changing hearts.

You're to serve your wife above all else except God. There is no entitlement (rights) - only the heart of Christ who was the ultimate servant. This means putting her needs above your own.

This may be a very difficult road toward reconciliation if you truly feel you have "rights". I experienced this in my marriage. I felt my husband "owed" me certain things and that's exactly the opposite of Christ's teachings.

tercel95 · Newbie Joined: 09 May 2008 Posts: 16

Thanks ! I've always wanted to have a very long relationship but i guess things don't always go as you plan because the enemy is always at work trying to destrol every thing God puts together. Any way i'm trying my best to serve my wife although we're not together anymore, it's not easy but i've turn everything over to God & in the mean time i'm trying to improve my prayer life because it's has not been what it used to be also i can't even concentrate while i'm at church, Sunday School & regular church. I still love my wife & i know she still love me despite how things are right now. I read some imputs from this medium & my faith increase a little just knowing others face same situation & worse so thanks again. One thing i would like to leave with anyone reading, don't let your guard down, the devil plays dirty, don't take wives for granted, wives don't take your husband for granted. Careful not to put work in front of the needs of the family. God bless you

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