No physical relationship

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

My wife and I have been going through difficulties the past 3 years. There has been no infidelity. She feels as though I wasn't there for her in the early years of our marriage. I have since quit a job that took too much of my time and made many life changes thanks to the Lord helping me. We talked about everything that was wrong. I've even asked her what else I could do to be a better husband and father. She says nothing, I've done everything I can do. She says she just does not have any feelings for me anymore. She doesn't want to leave, but at the same time she does not want to work at our marriage. We have been going through this for a couple of years. Over the last month she has totally cut off our physical relationship but we live peacefully. There are times when I feel as though she is inconsiderate to my feelings. We have talked and she says there is nothing else to talk about it has all been said. She says we must just tough it out for our kids. She won't go to counseling. Things don't seem to be getting any better. I know that suffering is the catalyst that brings us closer to God, but the no physical relationship really cuts. I'm not just talking about sex. Any other men experienced anything like this?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

There is a new book at by Dr. Gary Smalley that I just picked up this week called Change Your Heart, Change Your Life.
It covers a lot of ground on various issues with Marriage being one of them.

There may be a hardened heart issue taking place in your wife - which very likely includes the inability to forgive you for past mistakes. She is basing her love for you on her feelings rather than her commitment to your marriage. Now, I'm not on the other side of the fence to hear her story which may include many issues with you as her husband. But, I only know that this is a place where my heart once was with my husband. I know the warning signs and they are waving full strength with your wife and more than likely have to do with not feeling loved and cherished by you.

If she will not go to counseling, then make the effort to go on your own. You cannot change her - but you can continue to work on yourself and gain tools to put in your toolbox that may help in those feelings returning.
Also, it's important to find a Christian counselor who can apply biblical principles to your situation.

Passion can return - mine did for my husband and God has made it better the 2nd time around. If your wife prayed for those feelings to return, God is very capable of making it happen. But, it is a dangerous prayer. Wink

Also, another wonderful book is Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

I agree with everything that you have said. It is right on the mark. I am going to see a counselor, and getting a crash course on God's timing not being my timing. I do have one question for you. Why do you say that prayer will be a "dangerous" prayer?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

It's a dangerous prayer because, if you pray it, God does answer prayers!
Wink

He did with my marriage. Very Happy

And... when God restores your passion for each other... He does so with more enthusiasm than you can imagine. It's like being newlyweds again.

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

seeker

My wife has said the same thing to me -- that she has no feelings for me -- so I completely understand your situation. I have posted elsewhere about my role in this, and also about my confession and repentance. Nevertheless, my wife has not been able to forgive me or trust me. It has been years since we have really kissed each other. We might be "intimate" once a month but it is not making love, if you know what I mean.

I am trying to focus on a few key things, with God's grace and help.

I am learning to wait on the Lord. I pray for patience, that I will accept His timing.

I am learning to surrender completely, that I cannot convict my wife of her sins, nor can I make her change. Really, I cannot fix or change anything except myself. That is the work of the Holy Spirit.

I am continually trying to love her. Even though it is difficult, God tells us to do this. I frequently remind myself of 1 Peter 3:7 for example.

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

Thanks for the helpful posts.

km · Junior Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 29

You're in a tough spot, and I sympathize greatly. Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice (but look forward to seeing some from others here).

It seems to be a rather widespread and persistent problem for many men - a ceasation (or great curtailment) of physical affection that causes intense frustration - to the point of undermining the marriage. This, often, in marriages where the physical aspect was less than fully satisfactory to begin with. I would certainly love to find a solution.

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

I completely understand this post as well, but from my husband. He’s dealing with the fact that I lied to him about having my tubes tied prior to us getting married. He has cut me off in a sense, and even threatened to leave, but has yet stated that he’s not leaving. He says that he feels numb, and has no feelings for me. He has hardened his heart toward me and I can only pray that he allows the Lord to enter his heart and help him deal with his feelings.
I have been so withdrawn, suffering from severe depression and even had thoughts of ending it all. My only hope is in Christ, though it’s hard not to fall into the traps of talking to and seeing other people… keep praying and believing that God can change your situation.

My prayers are with you!

GreyBear · Newbie Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 1

It's nice to know that others are going through the same thing in their lifes and having a forum to share and listen.

My wife and I are working through hard times also! The good news is with Gods help we have turned the corner!

Good luck and best wishes . . .

May God bless you!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

Are you willing to look into surgery to have your tubes reconnected?
Or, are you dead set against more children? Would you be open to adoption or becoming a foster parent?

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

I am willing if he really wants another child. And I'm crazy enough to believe that if it's God will for us, the process, funds for the reversal will be provided.

We're honestly not in a position to have another child right now. He has one biological daughter, and 2 stepdaughters from his previous marriage. He had been in their lives since they were 2 and 6 months. I have 2 sons, one, which lives in the home with us.

He's in school completing his Paramedic, and working part time, and I'm working full time. We're just keeping afloat. To add to the stress, we have been sharing one vehicle, and the majority of the time, it's me having to find a ride to work because his job is 25 minutes away.

So having another child at this point would be a stretch. i think he sees this, but the only thing on his mind is the betrayal.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

Grace... give him grace and time. And, under the circumstances, I think it's important for you to be very patient with him. He needs time to process this betrayal and to work through the process of forgiveness. You can't rush this.

necee22 · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 10 Location: NC

I am beginning to see that as well. Thank you so much for your insight!

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

This whole thing is just more than I could have ever imagined. My wife works long hours. I get home from work earlier so I have my young daughters all day until bedtime when my wife gets home. She criticizes another family member for the way she neglects her children, but she's not home much for ours. I know I'm not on her radar, but she is so blinded to what she is doing to our entire family.
I feel as though I'm continuing to grow closer to God, but she's just miles away from me and admittedly backslidden. I know all the scriptural answers. My joy comes from the Lord, suffering brings you in a closer walk with Him, what I am doing now is truly showing unconditional love, God won't allow me to be put under more than I can bear, BUT it is SOOOO difficult to do this every day.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1862 Location: Chicago

Have you made that appointment to meet with a counselor?

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