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seeker
Newbie
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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 Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: No physical relationship |
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I've been counselled. Finding a good christian counselor in a small town is not very easy. Driving 45 minutes with child care issues is tough. The counselor says things I already know.
Existing in a house with someone you love that treats you like a roommate is extremely tough. I know this is spiritual warfare. I know all the scriptures, I've read everything there is to read. I pray constantly. I hope my wife can have a renewed relationship with God, I know that is the issue. BUT that doesn't make things any easier. I try to be upbeat around the house, but it is just so tough. I know this is a perseverence process. It's so frustrating that she could leave things like this forever. She just doesn't care if we work at our relationship at all. I am working on me. My relationship with the Lord has come so far, but I feel as though that just widens the gap between my wife and I. I know I have to find joy despite my circumstances with my wife. I know I am blessed otherwise. I wish I could do a better job a compartmentalizing my relationship with her so it doesn't occupy so much of my thoughts.
I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. Mark 9:24 |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | My relationship with the Lord has come so far, but I feel as though that just widens the gap between my wife and I. |
Having worn the so called "shoe" with my husband being far from God and my faith growing, I can only share my experience.
The "gap" between us wasn't as far as I thought it was. I wasn't as Christlike as I believed. I was not looking at my husband as Christ does, I was not loving him as Christ does, I was not providing grace as Christ does. I was constantly judging him, criticizing him, and lay guilt on him. My words and my actions were not very honoring.
A few verses from Romans hit me between the eyes -
Romans 12:3b - Don't think you are better than you really are.
Romans 14:1 - Accept other believers who are weak in faith and don't argue with them about what they think is right or wrong.
Romans 14:4 - They are responsible to the Lord, so let him judge whether they are right or wrong. And with the Lord's help, they will do what is right and will receive his approval.
I was not living scripturally as a wife should - I was in charge - Christ was not. So my so-called example of being the loving Christian wife who was sacrificing everything for my husband was a farce. I was very far from being a loving Christian wife and I was far from being a fully devoted follower of Christ. I was a part-time Christian. I seldom read the bible, I did not journal, and I had no accountability from more mature Christian woman. I was going to church, but not to be engaged in community with other believers. I was going because it was something I checked off each week on my "being a good christian list."
I had to come to a place of total surrender to God. I had to lay my situation completely in his capable hands and let Him work on my husband. Then I had to be willing to let God work on me - I had to give up control.
Over the course of the next several years, I watched as God started to work on my husband's heart. He grew him up and brought people into our lives who my husband related to and they mentored him. So, once I got out of the way - God was able to work in my husband's life. |
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seeker
Newbie
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks again Sam |
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seeker
Newbie
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 9:10 pm Post subject: |
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"I had to come to a place of total surrender to God. I had to lay my situation completely in his capable hands and let Him work on my husband. Then I had to be willing to let God work on me - I had to give up control."
I realize that is where I am. I do good for a time, then take it back. Sam wasn't it just so hard to see your husband doing things that you knew were harmful, and just give it over. It's like Paul said, I do what I shouldn't and don't do what I should. All the while knowing what is the right thing to do. I guess that's the rubber hitting the road of TRUE FAITH. Why is it so hard to let go to the one I know is the answer??? |
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necee22
Newbie
Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 10
Location: NC
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:39 am Post subject: |
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I agree. But it's hard to give it over. How do you not fall into the trap of internet relationships, porn, and emotional affairs? I have been praying about this, because it's increasingly hard to maintain with a hug or kiss once a week, and very little conversation or anything during the other days...
i expressed this to my husband and he had such nonchalant attitude saying " if you feel that you need to do that, then do what you want". It's like he doesn't even care.
PRAY for me.. My flesh is VERY weak, but my spirit is trying to do what thus saith the Lord... |
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seeker
Newbie
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 8:41 am Post subject: |
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Those things will only bring you guilt. I can see through my trial that I've "cleaned up my act" over the past 3 years and treated my wife with the respect she deserves. It hurts that she still doesn't show affection for me, but when I lay my head down on the pillow I know I'm doing what the scriptures tell me to.
If you give into those things not only will you be working on a relationship with your husband, but you'll have more guilt for realizing that you are sinning against God. Work on you. Read the Bible, listen to christian music, pray. Do whatever it takes to stay away from those temptations. My relationship with my wife has a ways to go, but God has drawn me so much closer and shown me areas of my life that I had to change and I can see the difference.
Go to Thomas Road Baptist Church's website to sermon resources and listen to their sunday night service on Jan. 27. Gary Smalley is the speaker. It is very helpful. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:29 am Post subject: |
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God doesn't promise us a rose garden.
Well, actually he gave us one... and we blew it.
He tells us we will have troubles in this world, but he has overcome them. He tells us that our troubles will develop perserverance, character, faith, and much more. But, so often because it's painful - we try to ease the pain - rather than let God walk through it with us. We pray for him to take it away... and he says this is something I need to teach you for a time... so you learn to rely on me more so you will learn and grow.
| Quote: | | How do you not fall into the trap of internet relationships, porn, and emotional affairs? |
With the accountability of other Christian brothers and sisters in our lives who hold us accountable for keeping our marriage a number 1 priority - and by building protective hedges around our marriage and our minds. It's pretty difficult to have your thoughts go to these places if the atmosphere in your car, home or workplace is filled with praise music or if you pour yourself into God's word daily and journal.
We do not spend time on the computer in chat rooms - gave that up. There are porn filters on both of our computers. We do not share anything personal with people we work with about our marriage. If anyone ever asks, we always say we have a wonderful marriage that we love. Neither of us shares meals with a person of the opposite sex alone. These are boundaries that have protected us well.
We have gone through some very difficult times because of physical illness that I experienced - intercourse was not possible for months on end. But, that is not the only way to communicate physically with each other - although we think it is. Work on developing other forms of physical communication. Read Song of Songs - it will help you and is much easier to understand with The Message version of the bible.
When things were not working - we went to the doctor together. I helped my husband understand that there were clear physical problems I could not help, but that I was willing to do everything else the doctor recommended to stay physically close to him. I was willing to take medication to improve things... and I was not going to give up on physical closeness with him. We saw a counselor so we could learn to talk freely about this. We simply chose not to settle for no physical intimacy in our marriage. It took quite awhile for me to back to myself, and mentally it was still a struggle at times.
| Quote: | | Sam wasn't it just so hard to see your husband doing things that you knew were harmful, and just give it over. |
Yes, but I was lucky enough to have a dear friend who said, "Sam, do you always do everything right in the eyes of God? Does he not grieve your choices? Does he not grieve your sin? What if every time you messed up, he stood in front of you and admonished you with his words or shook his finger or head at you in disgust? How would you feel? Then stop doing it to your husband!" It's called grace - give your husband God's grace, ask Him for it when you are not capable. What will draw your husband closer to you and closer to God is His grace - His unconditional love. |
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seeker
Newbie
Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree that you have to safeguard yourself. Accountability helps. Nothing will replace seeking after Him. Hebrews 11:6 says it. That being said however, It is extremely difficult to know you have made major life changes and be the recipient of unforgiveness for the way you used to be. Especially when it stretches out over a 3 year period of time. When your spouse doesn't want to go to counseling and doesn't care that you've made changes in your life and there is no physical reason for lack of affection. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Why won't your wife go for counseling? |
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km
Junior Member
Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 29
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| Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:26 am Post subject: |
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SAM - What kind of advice can a counselor give in this sort of situation (where the spouse who as ceased the relationship won't go for the counseling)?
Does one really have to pay out counselor level fees for the privilege of hearing that one's only choice is to 'tough it out'? Or is there somethig that will make a difference with only one spouse participating? |
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necee22
Newbie
Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 10
Location: NC
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| Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:34 am Post subject: |
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| that's a great question, because my husband will also not go for counseling. And everytime there is any disagreement or argument, he just says, he's done and is giving up on everything. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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There are coping skills, communications skills, and boundaries that you can learn through counseling that will make you stronger in dealing with a spouse who is difficult, threatening to leave, etc.
Each one of us contributes our own "junk" that creates reactions and dysfunction within our relationship. A counselor can help you unpeel those layers so your behavior changes too.
You can't enter into counseling with the hope that it will change your spouse. You have to enter it with the expectation of what it will do to change you and how will it make you a better spouse. Even if you feel you are only responsible for 5% of the problems in your marriage and your spouse is responsible for 95% - you can improve your marriage by 5%. And, that is the first step toward healing. |
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soulpurpose
Newbie
Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Posts: 8
Location: CT
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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| I am relatively new to this forum, but I have been following it for about a year now since my wife and I have been in counseling. Everything that Sam has said is quite precise. In addition to wise counsel through those who have had this experience and professionals, might I suggest a book that has truly changed my life. The book is called Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair. The focus of this book is for men to become Christlike in attitudes, thoughts, and, most importantly, their heart. I had been trying to troubleshoot my marriage and the infidelities and through prayer, God lead me to this book. For any man who can't really "get it" as to why things are going awry in their marriage. This book unfolds many of the misconceptions in society and in the church about women. The focus is on being like Christ because Christ was the perfect man who knew how to understand the spirit of a person. (1 Peter 3:7) I am currently reading this book for the third time because the challenge to be Christlike is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. But God is faithful. Ken Nair has drawn some attention as being controversial but much of that is due to people not accepting what the word of God says. I am praying for those who are struggling in their marriage like I have and am, but God is the God of all Hope. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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So glad you have joined us - and thanks for the kind words - that means a lot to me.
This week I picked a new book called The Marriage Revolution - Rethinking Your Relationship in Light of God's Design by Debra White Smith. She also wrote Romancing Your Husband and Romancing You Wife.
She has an amazing perspective on scripture and the teachings of Jesus - and how our culture has skewed Christ's teachings to the point of beingprejudical toward men and women in the roles God has laid out for us.
I think this book would be a great compliment to the one you have already read. It's pretty awesome and I'm only a few pages into it. |
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newguy
Newbie
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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I just found this board and WOW. Seeker, I'm in your shoes right now except this month marks 6 months with NO intimacy. We don't even talk about the real issues. If I talk my beloved just reads her book, nows and says mmm hmmm. She applied for a new job which will change our child care routine and cause them to be put into YMCA daycare (something I am not sure I like) and set up an appointment for a child psychologist without telling me. I just happend to discover it. When I mentioned that these things affect me and the kids and that at least mentioning them to me would have been good I got the same reading the book and nodding the head.
I've come to the conclusion that She needs to get healed herself before we can be healed together. The pain is commiting to love her, as the Father and Christ love us, EVEN IF NOTHING ever changes. Joy isn't the same as happiness.
Peace to all. |
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