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Katydid
Newbie
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:45 am Post subject: No Attraction |
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| I am new to this but I am hoping someone can give me some insight on how to handle this problem. I have been married for only 4 1/2 months and I have no attraction to my husband whatsoever. It sort of started to subside even before we were married but I thought it was stress from my busy schedule and planning the wedding. We are great friends but most of the time I wish that was all there was. I don't know what to do because I know what the Bible says about our bodies belonging to one another. This problem is so bad that sometimes I almost feel an aversion to him, I don't want him touching me at all. I have been to my doctor and things all seem to be in working order. I don't know what else to do. HELP! |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:55 am Post subject: |
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I have often found in my marriage that there is a direct correlation between my passion for God and my passion for husband.
Cold, lukewarm or on fire? Where are you in your passion for the Lord?
Is he Lord of all, or Lord of a little? Fully devoted or casually devoted?
The capacity to love with human love is limited, as you are finding out. Filling ourselves with God's love and perspective on how he loves your husband provides the ability to love when we cannot.
It is a daily choice for me to love my husband. It is a daily choice to love God.
There are things you fell in love with and that attracted you to your husband to a place where you wanted to marry him. Concentrate on those qualities and pray before you are intimate - pray that God will fill you with His love and passion for your husband.
Make an appointment with a Christian counselor and started talking through what is the underlying reasons for these feelings. Your marriage depends on it. |
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Katydid
Newbie
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: Thanks for the reply |
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Yes, I have made an appointment for us to see a counselor. I am also a counselor so it makes it all the more frustrating.
As far as my relationship with God, I am passionate about it. My husband... not so much. I study the Bible and I study other books about the Bible and I pray and I have prayed a LOT about this problem. I do love my husband very much, I'm just not attracted to him and the thought of having sex with him sometimes sickens me.
So it isn't that I don't love my husband. I love him very much, otherwise this would not bother me so much. And I get answers much like yours from most everyone I have talked to, but that doesn't help because it doesn't address the problem. Thanks for trying though, I really do appreciate it. |
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greenwidow
Full Member
Joined: 14 Aug 2006
Posts: 112
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: Re: No Attraction |
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| Katydid wrote: | | I have been married for only 4 1/2 months and I have no attraction to my husband whatsoever. It sort of started to subside even before we were married ! |
Sorry, to be very blunt in the asking, but are you saying that you intimate relationship was just fine before marriage and that you are turned off by him now? There are couples that have trouble being intimate with their lover when they have had a relationship before marriage.
It might be helpful if you were to just simply list out what specifically is bothering you.
Is there something about your/his body image that makes it difficult to be intimate with this person?
Has his behavior changed now that you are married?
Do you feel like someone is claiming to own you?
Are demands or pressures being put upon you that are different now that you are married?
Has the reality of dirty socks ruined the fantasy of the prince?
Do you have a fear of pregnancy?
If you think really hard and are honest to yourself, you will know what has happened. Maybe you just don't want to admit to it.
Sex at it's best is a 100% proposition for both people. Both of you are giving 100% of your attention to the other person. Men are not mind readers on any topic, including sex. Let him know what you need. It's okay. A loving spouse will try to help you through anything. |
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Katydid
Newbie
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for your reply. No it isn't just sex, it is attraction in general. But that also makes sex very difficult.
He has gained a bit of weight but that is something that I sort of expected. However, he had led me to believe that he had these healthy eating habits and exercise habits and now I see that he just sits on the couch snacking. So that plus the fact that he lied about his lifestyle bothers me. And yes, there are many demands now that there weren't in the past. He doesn't mind living in a dirty house (especially the bathroom) and I find myself cleaning up after him but he doesn't even think it should bother me since it doesn't bother him. How does he get it so much dirtier than I did anyways? When I go in there, it looks like a pig has been rolling around on the bathmat.
I don't so much fear pregnancy because, after all, we are married and it wouldn't be the end of the world. However, I do not want to get pregnant right now and he doesn't want us to either.
I am not trying to be disrespectful of him. But there are ways in which I know I do not respect him in my heart and I don't know how to respect him more. I'm thinking that maybe I should just work on changing what I can about me. But in the meantime, I don't know what to do. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1858
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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That's wonderful that your relationship with God is strong. I brought the issue forward, as I found my relationship with God (or lack thereof) to be a major contributing factor to the breakdown on my marriage.
Most people want to put their best foot forward during dating and courtship and they pray that the other person will not see their flaws.
After a period of 4 1/2 months, it looks like his flaws are shining through with a spotlight directed at them - which turns you off.
1) he does not clean up like you expected
2) he does not eat as healthy as you expected
3) he does not exercise like you expected
4) he sits on the couch more than you expected
5) he gained more weight than you expected
6) he lied to you - which you did not expect
7) he's not as close to God as you wish he would be
Do you think some of these broken expectations may be a contributing factor?
| Quote: | | But there are ways in which I know I do not respect him in my heart and I don't know how to respect him more. |
What are the ways that you do not respect him in your heart?
Have you heard of the book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? It's pretty awesome. Also, Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge. Both books will give you some great perspective. |
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greenwidow
Full Member
Joined: 14 Aug 2006
Posts: 112
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| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: Differences |
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| Quote: | | he had led me to believe that he had these healthy eating habits and exercise habits and now I see that he just sits on the couch snacking. |
Did you ever have a meal with this man before marriage? Look at the single guys his age...what do they do for food? You are going to have to change it a little bit at a time. Get a calendar and write down the meal times you will be together. Plan those meals and then divvy up the work of preparing those meals.
| Quote: | | I find myself cleaning up after him but he doesn't even think it should bother me since it doesn't bother him. |
I found that a servant's heart makes this easier to deal with. Do not let that slip into slavery. When I do something for my husband I equate it with showing him love and respect. I have also told him what things are really important to me and make me feel more comfortable. In our bedroom, I need the floor clean of clothes, the bed made, even if we are going to crawl into it in 3 minutes, the closet doors closed, and the surfaces cleaned off. That is the sanctuary, even though I don't see it with my eyes closed. He gets big pats on the head for anything that makes these things happen.
Don't nag. Talk. Did you ever have a roommate? This isn't just a symptom of your husband disrespecting you. People have to have time to learn what is the small stuff and what are the deal breakers. It sounds like you are spending more time telling the therapist that you are upset, than talking to your husband.
Get the book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." It will give you insight into what is important with dealing with others.
Your husband shouldn't impose on you, knowing that you hate dirt. But you shouldn't expect him to live entirely by your standards, even if you believe them to be superior.
Have you ever seen the musical "Camelot?" Lancelot is such a pompous so and so. He has a line in the play in which he explains that he could never suppose to have others live to his standards, Se Moi! Don't take yourself too seriously. Rent it. It sounds like you might be too young to have ever seen it. Pop popcorn, lounge on the couch with your husband. Ask him to rub your feet or shoulders and enjoy the movie together. Later you can leave a trail of popcorn that will lead him to the door and some outside activity you would like to do.
Dr. James Dobson has a book called, "Love for a Lifetime." In it there is a list of the stages of intimacy. You might want to take a look at is as a couple. Passion begins way before the first kiss.[/quote] |
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stella
Newbie
Joined: 03 May 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Are you on birth control pills or some other hormonal contraception? If so, this could definitely be your problem. |
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babycakes
Veteran
Joined: 06 Mar 2006
Posts: 309
Location: In Prayer
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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Katydid -
If you are still there - how are things going? You've been in my prayers for awhile. |
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